Struggling to cope - unsupportive husband and a couple of weeks left to go

[Lill789]

Currently in last trimester with our first baby, it was a planned baby. DH has always been difficult to help with domestic stuff but he reassured me that he would pull his weight more when I got pregnant.

That didn't happen, then he said he would help more as my pregnancy progressed. I'm now nearly 38 weeks pregnant, I'm suffering with severe lower back pain and shooting pains up my calf, and he still refuses to help me unless I go on and on and on and on.

He hates cooking so won't make me food.
He won't do the washing up.
Won't help with our pet cat unless I keep on and on at him.
He just wants to play on his game and me asking him to do anything he just sighs and acts like I've massively inconvenienced him.
I still make all the dinners and food because if I don't then we don't eat. He's happy to eat at midnight and order takeaway each time When he has dinner he leaves his plate on the floor, leaves his drinks everywhere, leaves underwear and clothes on the floor. Now I'm struggling to pick it all up. He's incapable of putting stuff away.

He is better at doing stuff like building and fixing stuff, he rearranged our room and built new furniture - but to get him to do this I have had to ask him tens and tens of times. He does things when he wants to do them.

I've talked to him about this so many times, and he doesn't change. Talking to him does nothing.
Granted he does long hours at a very stressful and physical job - he is a very hard worker and he is a generous person - takes me out etc so I can't fault him on that.

However I work full time too, I've just finished work to go on maternity but because I have an office job he doesn't see it the same. When I have a day off I still do all the housework, whereas when it's his day off he wants to relax and me asking for any help is a nuisance.

Other than this he is loving mostly and is looking forward to the baby.

So like today it's his day off, I wanted him to help me see if our new car seat fits on our buggy. I'm struggling to lift anything at the moment and he just wanted to play his game and got annoyed at me.

I'm feeling really tearful and upset, I don't want to leave as I love him and i know he will be a good dad. I have no idea what to do. I'm trying to focus on the good things but he is so disinterested in everything relating to our baby and unwilling to support me with simple things I feel alone. He plays down how I feel so much I wonder if he will have any sympathy at even the birth.

I would scratch his computer game disks for starts. Then I would stop doing anything for him at all. I would cook dinner for me. I would only buy food for me. I would only do my washing. I literally wouldn't do a thing for him. If that doesn't change him, I'd leave him.

OP, when you think of ‘Great dad’ do you just picture a dad doing fun dad stuff like playing? Because what makes a great dad is getting stuck into the mundane stuff. It doesn’t sound like he is in this with you. It won’t be ‘easier’ when the baby is here.

my husband is also gamer and makes a huge fuss about sleep and found our first child hard to adjust. We had a terrible relationship for about a year and I left for a short while with DD. he took no time to listen or appreciate how hard a young baby is and he used to nag me about the house despite swanning in and doing very little in the evenings/weekends. We also had some financial control stuff despite me paying for my whole mat leave from savings.

Now he is totally different and is fully invested in our family. But this was a change he decided to make - no telling what your husband will chose to do.

But it has taken our marriage a long time to heal and for us to be a team. I don’t believe in forgive and forget - his behaviour was terrible. We have accepted it happened and he has a chance to show me how permanent the change is. otherwise it will be the door for him.

Agree with PP re whether he will be a good dad given his lack of support in your pregnancy but an additional practical suggestion is about whether he should be your birth partner. In labour you're going to need someone who will support you and advocate for your needs and keep you calm and relaxed. If you're worried he won't do that could you have someone else there with you as well/ instead of him like your mum or a sister or a close friend?

Leave him. He loves his game more than you. The baby will be an irritation. He's willing to see you in pain and not help as his gaming is more important. That is not a man who will get up at 3 to heat milk. I put money on him being "a heavy sleeper who never hears the baby" then when you get back into bed says "oh I would have done it". He's a lazy man child and you are his mummy. It will be easier to do it without the burden that he is. Good luck, you will need it.

Does he have a dad who is alive and involved with him?

Cry to his dad and get him to talk to your partner about this. It's so important to get this resolved before the baby comes.

Good dad’s install carseats, wash dishes, and make sure their pregnant wives have nutritious food.

you are about to have a baby and it is a scary and vulnerable time. Right now you should
focus on what you need to take care of yourself and your child. You don’t need to worry too much about the bigger picture, but if you keep separate bank accounts please make sure you are not spending down your savings during maternity leave.

Use this time before baby arrives to arrange alternative support. He can't support you now and continuously let's you down despite your pleas (which you shouldn't have to do by the way!!).
I have a 15 week old and needed my partner so much especially during the early days - bringing me things I needed, seeing to baby while I slept, cuddling and reassuring me when I was in tears etc
You're about to be at your most vulnerable and you need people around you that you can rely on. Don't allow his shortcomings to ruin this time for you. It's wonderful being in a newborn bubble but it's also fucking hard!

He won't change. Make sure you have or make a network of women to support you and if he is able to make good money to support you then that's your consolation prize. If he doesn't even contribute financially then cut him loose, he's no use to you.

Honestly, I would think about leaving him. Maybe not right now, but as soon as you can. He won't ever change.