Another baby or not? Trauma

[Movealong14]

Hello 😊
I currently have a lovely 2 year old DD who I adore. For the past couple of months I’ve been getting a niggling feeling that I can’t shake of wanting another baby. There are two main issues though-
Physically - I sustained a 3rd degree tear with my DD which left me with a stage 2 prolapse which I’ve worked on to almost make me ‘symptomless’. It really effected my life as I’m a very active person and had to give up running etc to protect my pelvic floor. I’m terrified that another birth will cause another tear or worsening of symptoms
Mentally - I never mentioned it to the hospital but there was a point after having my DD which I had retained products and a consultant opened my legs and forcefully put his hand inside me without consent. My husband told him to stop as it was causing me a lot of pain but he was told ‘it had to be done’. A midwife actually told the consultant to stop and explain what he was doing. Since then I’ve found it really hard to see medical professionals, I know it seems over the top but the thought of having a smear or someone looking ‘down there’ fills me with dread to the point I feel sick.
I’ve spoken to my husband about going down the adoption route but he isn’t keen and we’re not sure whether we would be accepted as we both work. (Me part time)
Has anyone any words of advice? I feel so pathetic and I don’t want to be looked down upon if I’m a mess when it’s comes to examinations.
Thanks for reading this far sorry for the rambling!

You might find it helpful to go back to the hospital and have your case notes read to you. Your DH also needs to go with you. You are entitled to have this review. I did this for a very different reason and it was the most useful meeting I have ever been to in my life. I think that you need to have some answers to what happened and why you were treated this way. It should all be recorded and despite it making very difficult reading it might help you understand and process your experience. Once you’ve done this, hopefully you will be in a better place to make a decision. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had such a bad experience but wish you all the best for the future.

Dear lady, your feelings are totally valid and you deserve to be heard and to get the support you need process your feelings about what happened after your birth. Take all the time you need and get all the support you can before making a decision about having another child.

Thank you both for your kind words ❤️ I didn’t realise I could do this - is this possible after such a long time (it was two years ago now)

Have you considered the possibility of a planned section? That would be a lot more under control.

@Hugasauras It had crossed my mind but I don’t know how easy it is to get them to agree to it - also would I still have to have internal examinations?

Unlikely you would have any internal exams. I'm having a planned section with my second and I just have an extra scan at 34 weeks to check where baby is lying, etc.

With a history of birth injury like yours, I would definitely hope you wouldn't have much issue requesting one. It can be a bit consultant-dependent, but I just said I wanted a section and that was that. You are entitled to have a section if you want one.

Sorry to hear about your experience.
I do find that complaining to PALS/having a debrief meeting asap is the best way to deal with these things. I’m not sure what can be done after two years but if you have a good relationship with your GP, maybe bring it up with them and see what you can do going forward? Have you considered CBT therapy for the trauma?

I had my baby last year May and it all went horribly wrong. An anaesthetist punctured my spine meaning I had 3 procedures to try and rectify the problem. Countless MRIs and CAT scans so check the damage done. I now suffer with migraines permanently. I also had a third degree tear and lost 2L of blood after pushing DD out because my uterus didn’t contract. Stayed in the hospital for a week and DD lost so much weight they were going to take her to intensive care and put her on a drip if we didn’t follow a feeding plan to the T (because of the spinal puncture, I was unable to move my neck and couldn’t see what I was doing to breastfeed. Midwives constantly dismissed me resulting in DD hardly being fed as I had no help). Within 6 weeks I had written a detailed complaint letter to PALS, had a debrief meeting with the professor who led my pregnancy and started therapy for the trauma.

My trauma was so bad that I had nightmares of the postnatal ward and the hospital. I couldn’t even go back to the hospital for further appointments, I had to have them moved to another hospital. Well would you believe when all that was happening, I fell pregnant with DS when DD was only 3 months old. I was super skeptical but because I was already 6 sessions into therapy I felt so much calmer because I was in the process of trying to understand the trauma memory and how to store it away in my brain. My therapist also supported me with a physiological birth plan which was given to all my midwives and consultants during the start of my second pregnancy.

Sorry this is really long winded but my point is, I don’t think I could have gone through with the pregnancy if I wasn’t in the process of letting go of what happened. I think therapy would help a lot especially with rebuilding the lack of trust you have with health professionals because of what that consultant did to you. Maybe start that and see how you feel?

I now have a negligence case open against the NHS and DS is due in 3 weeks by a planned C section at a different hospital to my first. Cannot tell you how reassured I feel since everything that happened last time. I also have support from a mental health midwife who checks in with me regularly as I’m quite anxious about being on a postnatal ward again so there’s defo help out there. All the best x

Also feel free to message me if you have any questions or anything :)

@Hugasauras thank you - I think I’m fearing judgement of being a wuss etc as well. There’s such a stigma attached to someone being frightened during birth. What was recovery like for your first section? Is the pain afterwards bare able?

@babywalker56 oh my word you poor thing! Yes can completely relate to the nightmares etc
My daughter was born just as lockdown one started so we had literally no help from any medical professionals. I can remember ringing my health visitor (who id never seen face to face) crying saying that I couldn’t cope with what happened. She got me to fill-in a 10 page questionnaire and at the end just told me it was baby blues.
I think the issue is I’ve lost overall confidence in the medical field. 😕

You should be able to have a C-section, not only due to the injury you suffered but maternal choice. It's hard to say if you will be made to jump through lots of hoops to get it. I imagine it could be very stressful if you have to go to PALs, complaints etc but I am very confident you would get one. You could probably avoid internal exams, but not definitely e.g. what if you have bleeding and need an internal scan? What if you went into premature labour? However you could tell your midwife very early on as much as you want to and ask for extra support around it. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Mine was an emergency section for first so not as controlled or relaxed as a planned one, but I found the recovery absolutely fine. I was up and moving around after around six hours post-surgery and didn't need anything stronger pain wise than paracetamol and ibuprofen. It was uncomfortable but not agonising. Maybe a max of 5 on the pain scale? And that was generally when I was moving again after being seated or lying down for a long time and had sort of seized up.

I've been left with no lasting issues, just the scar which healed very neatly. I even said to DH the day or so after DD1 was born that I would happily have a section again, just not do pregnancy again (except now I am doing it again ). I'm actually really looking forward to my planned one.

@Movealong14 it was horrible having a baby during the start of the pandemic wasn’t in?! I had mine a year in and my experience was so bad, can’t even yours. You would have had minimal support.

I think that’s what therapy helped me with too. Even tho my therapist was more of a mental health professional, she really restored my confidence in other health professionals (her and my GP). I would definitely recommend therapy as it’s good for someone to remind you that your feelings are valid and certain things that happened, shouldn’t have!

You’ll also be able to have a C section. Consultants do try to put you off but as long as you push for it and stay firm in your decision then you should be able to have one. I’m obviously yet to have mine as it’s three weeks away but there hasn’t been any internal examinations, at least not as of yet. I’ve had further scans but that’s about it

I went back after 5 years. Some of the reports from things like heart rate monitoring were a bit faded but all the midwife’s notes were there. My meeting took place in 2008 about the birth of my DS in 2003, so I should imagine that your record will be computerised.

I had a planned c section after a tear and it was lovely. I was clear from the outset that is what I wanted to prevent re-tearing etc. Not a single internal examination needed. The do perform a vaginal douche while the spinal is working but to be honest, other than them gain in my consent for it I had no idea it was happening.

Don’t let the worry put you off completing your family

Just to add my voice that you should be able to request a c section with no issue.

I think previous severe tearing during birth means they might recommend a section anyway. Even if not, trauma history - birth related or abuse related - is an accepted reason for a woman to request a caesarean. I'm expecting my first baby in a few months and I asked for a caesarean because of previous experiences that mean I don't want certain interventions. It was an uncomfortable conversation but the consultant was fine with it as a reason for a caesarean.

Sorry to hear about your traumatic experience.

Don't let it put you off having another baby. Just be clear from the outset that you want an ELCS and don't take no for an answer. Then you won't need to worry about birth injuries or vaginal examinations.

Thank you all for your kindness 💕 it’s very hard to have these conversations in the real world as they are so personal. I really appreciate it.

I think I will contact my gp and ask them for their advice and go from there, as most of you have said csection = no internal examinations it may be my answer!

Please know that you are not alone. There is help available and you do not have to just simply accept what happened to you and live with the consequences.

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

www.unfoldyourwings.co.uk/

www.rutholayinka.com/

Hi @Movealong14
I had a very similar experience with my first, including the lack of consent. I had EMDR therapy (trauma) which really helped.
I’m pregnant again and have found it hard being in the hospital, trusting doctors and midwives etc. I’m seeing a therapist, mental health nurse and consultant. They are all very supportive and have offered me a c section. I’ve also been through my notes from the first time, this is after 4.5 years!
Some midwives are better than others but in my notes they have added that consent needs to be gained/the importance of this.
I hope you are able to get somewheee with your GP!

Thank you for sharing this @Fredthefish. It's not easy to reach out for help and to share your trauma many times to get the help you need. I hope partner will be your advocate and protect you during labour.

@Fredthefish I’m sorry that you encountered the same experience, it seems like there are more of us than I thought there would be!
How did you get access to EDMR therapy? Via gp?
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Are you going to the same hospital to have the csection?

I had a planned section and I wasn’t aware of anything internal.
I would suggest some kind of counselling for the aftermath of the birth so that you aren’t restricted in medical care in the future, but it needn’t be connected with having another child.

I'm sorry you had a rough time. I had a very bad time with my first and it put me off having another for a good few years. With my second I asked to have Humana different hospital which helped a lot. The second one was a planned c section and it couldn't have gone more smoothly.
I wished I hadn't waited so long!

Regarding C-sections, I had an unplanned one with my first baby. It is listed in my notes as an emergency, but it wasn't really, I spent a day in labour after being induced and he just wasn't ready to come down.

I found the recovery hard in the first few days, but a huge part of it was down to the tiredness and emotions. I was so hoping for a natural birth and I felt I had somehow failed by needing a C-section. I was also exhausted, having spent one night hardly getting any sleep because I had a balloon catheter in which was causing painful contractions, and then a whole day in active labour failing to progress before eventually going for surgery just before midnight. If I had had a planned C-section, I wouldn't have had any of those issues because I would have given birth the way I expected to, and I could have just rocked up in the morning after a decent night's sleep and had my baby in my arms an hour later.

In terms of the physical recovery, it was hard for the first couple of days because I couldn't use my abs, which made sitting up and moving around very scary. But after the first couple of days I started to feel much better, and once the incision started to heal I felt back to normal surprisingly quickly. I'm convinced that my recovery was much quicker and easier than it would have been if I had had a complicated vaginal delivery and tearing or an episiotomy.

You will certainly be able to get a planned section. Just look at the news this week. In any case maternal request even without your history is a valid reason.

And you likely wouldn't need any internal exams if everything progressed normally although I guess there could be an issue such as shortened cervix earlier in the pregnancy, haven't had this but expect it might involve some checks.