Another baby or not? Trauma

[Movealong14]

Hello 😊
I currently have a lovely 2 year old DD who I adore. For the past couple of months I’ve been getting a niggling feeling that I can’t shake of wanting another baby. There are two main issues though-
Physically - I sustained a 3rd degree tear with my DD which left me with a stage 2 prolapse which I’ve worked on to almost make me ‘symptomless’. It really effected my life as I’m a very active person and had to give up running etc to protect my pelvic floor. I’m terrified that another birth will cause another tear or worsening of symptoms
Mentally - I never mentioned it to the hospital but there was a point after having my DD which I had retained products and a consultant opened my legs and forcefully put his hand inside me without consent. My husband told him to stop as it was causing me a lot of pain but he was told ‘it had to be done’. A midwife actually told the consultant to stop and explain what he was doing. Since then I’ve found it really hard to see medical professionals, I know it seems over the top but the thought of having a smear or someone looking ‘down there’ fills me with dread to the point I feel sick.
I’ve spoken to my husband about going down the adoption route but he isn’t keen and we’re not sure whether we would be accepted as we both work. (Me part time)
Has anyone any words of advice? I feel so pathetic and I don’t want to be looked down upon if I’m a mess when it’s comes to examinations.
Thanks for reading this far sorry for the rambling!

@Movealong14
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through it too - my therapist says it really underreported because people assume it’s normal and just trust docs.
For EMDR, I initially saw a CBT therapist who then diagnosed the trauma. He was also EMDR trained so gave me emdr instead of CBT. This was two years ago and I waited months. I thought it was all fine and felt able to have a baby again so we went for it. Clearly all was not fine but they rushed me through and I saw someone within weeks. (Less than a month) my gp has been supportive since being pregnant by chasing referrals, I’m in antidepressants and signing me off. The consultant has also arranged things to make the pregnancy easier for me this time.
Honestly, I don’t know yet. Although they have said it’s a possibility.

OP and PP who have suffered birth injuries: my heart goes out to you.

OP I was left with similar injuries after my first (born June 2020 - thankfully in a well-resourced, research-active Trust with excellent obstetricians), thanks to rotational forceps shredding my vaginal canal and bladder. 2nd and 3rd degree tears, like you. I still suffer some urinary incontinence. BUT I pushed for a year’s worth of women’s physio and had the birth afterthoughts counselling that PP mentioned. Those two interventions meant that I felt comfortable enough to get pregnant and will hopefully be having a second vaginal birth in May this year. Understanding the circumstances behind the tearing/PPH/my son requiring resuscitation and assessing the likelihood that this would happen again really helped me.

That being said, given the despicable treatment you received, being violated by a consultant in that way, I would totally understand if you wanted a maternal request section. Just wanted to add a voice of support whilst sharing how I have personally come to terms with attempting another vaginal delivery, 23 months after the first.

Do take care x