What did you/will you do regarding visitors when baby is born?

[spongemoon]

Interested to know what everyone else has done / is thinking of doing regarding visitors after baby arrives.

Both myself and partner have agreed we probably want at least a few days to ourselves with baby to get to grips with everything! Both of our mums can be quite pushy so I know they would be trying to help us and tell us what to do etc whereas I want us to learn and enjoy it ourselves. However I know this won't go down too well with our families as his mum has already mentioned about coming the day baby is born. To put into context both of our families live 1hr30m away (in opposite directions).

Would love to know what others have done and if you did take some time to yourselves how you approached it with family and how it was received?! Or did you actually want your family around when baby was born?

@Katyppp

This comes up time and time again on MN and I think it is appallingly self-centred and attention-seeking. We all know that the longer you keep your relations at bay, the more they will be desperate to see the baby, which of course is what this is all about. Being in control, feeling special, preventing access because you can. It’s as if this is your big chance to be in charge - you have the thing that everyone wants to see, it’s all yours and you’re not going to share. When did this become a Thing? I always hope that,when presented with a long list of dos and don’ts, the prospective visitor shrugs, thinks bugger that for a lark, and never bothers again. Including babysitting and childcare when the need arises.

This has to be a troll, right? No one can be this miserable.

Expecting to have the right to visit someone just because you want to is what's self-centred and attention seeking. People aren't generally welcomed to other people's home without invitation or prior agreement in normal times, why should that be any different with a baby?

It's actually recommended to limit visitors for 2-3 months because a newborn has a very weak immune system and mingling with lots of different people is a risk.

I don’t mind if my dad and PIL, plus our close friends come and visit pretty much straight away, as long as all visits are brief and I’ve been asked/warned beforehand, no just popping in as I’ll probably have my cracked tits out or be trying to sleep.

We were excited to see our new grandchild, a new member of our family.

We didn't make plans, thought we might be invited to visit after a few days. However, DiL rang from the hospital and we were delighted to drive over and see our new DGS the same day. 💙

Left the hospital Sunday and went straight to the pub (fancy food type pub, sat outside) to see husband's family.

My parents came the next day and a couple of days later.

Sister and kids the first Saturday.

Went out to cafes etc. as much as possible on husband's paternity leave to see friends.

I was so happy she'd arrived, I would've shown her off to absolutely anyone.

Bubble still felt adequately bubbly, 2-3 hours outside of with people didn't affect that.

Anyone and everyone who was excited to meet my new baby was welcomed

Happy for my MIL to visit because she lives close by and is very non intrusive, will appreciate her taking DC2 for short walks when I'm/ DC2 is ready- she has been the most wonderful grandmother to DC1, they have a very special bond. My own parents I've told that I like to honour the fourth trimester so to wait until after that if they want to travel over. It's a flight and they'll expect 5 star treatment while they're here so no help whatsoever. Will need to brace myself for that, aswell as whatever Covid risk will be around at the time.

Was illegal when I had DS1 (April 2020) god what I wouldn't have given for my mum to hug me and my new born baby.

I allowed our immediately family to visit the day after we got home from hospital, they all brought us food and treats etc to make us more comfortable, I told them in advance it would be a pop in for a brew and a quick cuddle until I was recovered. I told all friends and more distant relatives they could visit after 2 weeks once my partner returned to work as he had such limited time off when she arrived I wanted him to be able to enjoy every second with her x

I didn't really have any expectations around this, but as it turned out Covid happened and DD was born right as our area went back into local lockdown. We had nearly a week in hospital and then no visitors when we got home because of the lockdown.

Honestly it was shit and still makes me feel really sad to think of now. There were upsides, I'm glad I didn't have to deal with other people's visitors in hospital (the ward was so crowded, hotter than the sun and generally not the best experience so other people's relatives traipsing through half the day may well have tipped me over the edge!). And yes it was nice to have our own 'bubble' briefly.

But in a perfect world I would have liked at least my in laws, best friend and sister to have been able to visit. My sister did eventually end up visiting, on the advice of my HV and midwife, as they could see I was struggling and in need of a bit of support.

Everyone was welcome straight away. Close friends, bosses, neighbors all came to the hospital.
Family flew in a few weeks after (DS1 was a couple weeks early) and we had 6 successive weeks of grandparents staying with us.
It was wonderful but then our families and friends are normal, supportive, wonderful people!

@GinnyBeeb

• This has to be a troll, right? No one can be this miserable.

Expecting to have the right to visit someone just because you want to is what's self-centred and attention seeking. People aren't generally welcomed to other people's home without invitation or prior agreement in normal times, why should that be any different with a baby?

It's actually recommended to limit visitors for 2-3 months because a newborn has a very weak immune system and mingling with lots of different people is a risk.*

Nope, not a troll. Not a MIL either before anyone accuses me of that.

Just an interested observer of the amount of over-thinking and angst expended over things that just do not matter.
Is it really worth bad feeling in the family just to prove you are in control?
I don’t think I said anyway that people could come and go as they pleaded without prior notice? My comments were about situations where the baby was being kept away from relatives just because the mum wanted to.
Establishing feeding, tiredness, post-partum issues have always been there, they are not a new invention. What is new is the element of control people think they can exert just because they have a baby.

Loved having them come, on the understanding that we were not going to host and would expect them to help/look after themselves.

First baby we were in hospital for a week.
In-laws were around when I went into labour and took us to hospital. They came to see baby on evening it was born. (They still do not know that they were not the first to see baby as our friend came in afternoon!)
My DPs were 3 hours away and came up a couple of days later. I was desperate to see my mum, and midwives let her discreetly stay all day.

A very old (eccentric-aunt-type) friend of my DPs drove us home, cooked a meal and settled us at home the first night.

Lots of visitors came for the next few days. Great to dump them with baby and get a shower or nap.

With all my other kids I have been desperate for visitors asap. Even as my DPs were usually staying with us over the birth time to look after older kids. (They retired and we moved nearer.)

I don't understand this keeping to ourselves when the baby is born thing. I needed help and entertainment.

Also beware, a friend decided they wanted first two weeks alone with baby. Showed baby to one set of grandparents, next day was March 2020 lockdown. No-one saw the baby for weeks and they were totally alone!

@Katyppp It's not about control but about whether you feel up to welcoming visitors. If I feel like crap I don't want people in my house, it's as simple as that. Whether it's because I have a new baby and am exhausted, or I have the flu is completely irrelevant - if I don't want to see people it is my right not to.

I had them come on different days. Eg his brother and family then my mum the next day. I then passed them the baby and went for a nap.

Honestly I don't get it this. I'm not particularly close to my parents, but they both met the baby in the hospital the next day. Your parents love you, yes they may be very annoying (mine are) but they want to celebrate with you. Your baby will probably mostly sleep the first day or two, then cry a lot wanting food as your milk comes in, so the sleepy first few days are easier for snuggles.

My MIL didn't visit for ages for our first. I think it was a week for number 1, she wasn't that interested sadly. And it does feel sad if they don't want to come. She lives closer than my parents, but already has grandchildren 10 years older than our DC, both boys and girls. I think for number two, she met them at a restaurant when they were about a week old. We had some relatives visiting from abroad, I wouldn't generally have gone to a restaurant a week after birth.

Everyone will give you advice and never on the things you want advice on. Best just smile and nod, because sometimes it sounds batshit, but works and sometimes it's just outdated but they mean well.

I guess it depends how much of a "visitor" they are. E.g. do you feel you need to be present, making tea, wearing clothes, have a tidy house? Would you want them to see you trying to breastfeed for hours on end in your milk stained pjs with your nipples out?

You absolutely don't want to feel uncomfortable in your own house. I am happy for my mum and sister to come and stay, but my in-laws rarely come to our house and I'm nowhere near comfortable enough to have them for longer than a short visit (1 hour max probably) after birth. And I might be breastfeeding so they wouldn't even see the baby.

It's not a control thing and suggesting so is disingenuous and ignores the vulnerability usually felt in the first few weeks after birth. A lot of people really struggle during that time and someone's desire to see a new baby does not trump the mental health of the mother.