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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant and bf on drugs

35 replies

KTM1314 · 02/03/2022 22:48

Been with my bf for 2 years when I found out I was pregnant he begged me to keep it. I was undecided and really anxious because of his disappearing acts. Long story short he goes ‘missing’ every weekend. He’s paid on Fridays and when he goes ‘missing’ he blows his weekly wage within the weekend and hasn’t contributed anything towards the baby. He ignores me and when he comes off them he acts like nothings happened. He’s on coke and major denial.
He doesn’t live with me, he is 4 years older, he lost his driving licence to drug driving which he denied and went to prison for 8 weeks because of it. He went home to his da last night and his da walked in on him hallucinating off his face and threw him out the house. So he’s gone back on the sesh and haven’t heard from him at all. Also haven’t seen him for 2.5 weeks.
I know I deserve better and will not be leaving him on his own with baby when he comes but it’s so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
KTM1314 · 02/03/2022 22:49

Only half of that posted. I’m new 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m 31 weeks pregnant saturday. He went ‘missing’ Friday I heard from him Sunday last.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 02/03/2022 22:51

God your bar is low.

You were attracted to and are with and got pregnant for this man?!

You will be on your own with the baby, as your partner isn't capable of fatherhood. Focus on being there for your child and stop wasting thought on a cokehead. Your child will need you.

Luckytobeamummy · 03/03/2022 08:06

If he can't contribute to the baby or even be there for you, he's not worth being called a father. If I was you, whist you can, leave him before it gets any worse. He won't change. You can do so much better than him! Obviously we can't see behind closed doors nor do we know him but if you can't trust him to be around a baby you must leave him. It'll be easier for you to be a single parent. If you don't and social services get involved you'll be classed as an unfit mother because of his actions. One of my family members were on drugs and he met a girl, got her pregnant, and she was basically given the option of either leaving him or losing the baby. Thankfully she left him.
If you need to talk pm me. Inbox is always open xx

lawandgin · 03/03/2022 08:39

Leave him. This won't get any better and you'd be putting your child at emotional and possible physical risk by staying in this relationship. Trust me, I know, my brother is a cokehead.

Etinoxaurus · 03/03/2022 08:42

Thank God you don’t live together. Don’t give the child his surname.

BuyDirt · 03/03/2022 08:48

Dump him. Hopefully he’ll be too off his face to keep in contact with you for long.

Cakecakecheese · 03/03/2022 09:22

If he has a key change your locks so he can't get in. You can't have someone like that around your child, it's not safe.

mylion · 03/03/2022 09:25

My god op I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Is this your first? If he can't face up to the fact he needs to change with a baby very soon on the way, it's unlikely he's ever going to realise! You & baby deserve so much better & having him involved in the babies life will cause so many other issues. I'd be telling him he can't see the baby until he cleans up his act. Also I'd seriously consider what @Etinoxaurus said about giving the baby his last name, it is absolutely not a right & could cause a lot more issues than it's worth, especially if he then decides to have nothing to do with the baby. I have a close friend who has gone through a similar situation and she deeply regrets giving the baby his last name. Hope you can find a way through this for the sake of yourself & your child. Sending love💐

DontBeMean · 03/03/2022 09:29

That's really sad that your baby will have him as a dad. Not sure what you can do about it but try to never see him again

Steamedhams · 03/03/2022 09:44

At the risk of sounding mean, what on earth do you think you are playing at? You are about to be a mother for goodness sake. Your job is to provide for and protect your baby not surround yourself with drug addicts. You need to leave the boyfriend or social services may take your child away. I would worry about your capacity as a parent given your poor relationship choices.

My intent is not to be nasty but you need a reality check. Who cares about any of his good qualities. He is clearly a loser and your baby deserves better. You do to by the way and he won't get better while you are enabling him.

...may get pilloried for this post but here we go.

Steamedhams · 03/03/2022 09:46

*too

Celoo · 03/03/2022 09:51

It's not really about you at this point. Having a baby is not going to help the situation or make him suddenly stop being a selfish twat. It will get worse. Stop calling him your boyfriend and start taking the steps to completely end this "relationship". You are about to have a child that does not deserve to be in such a volatile situation.

Original poster
KTM1314 · 03/03/2022 10:46

I came for advice when feeling very hormonal and suffering with my mental health. I know me and my baby deserve better and I am not giving the baby his name. He won't be having contact so the baby will not be at any risk. The worry I have is his family I want the baby to have his grandparents but not the father the way he is and don't know how it'll work.

I guess I was looking for anyone that has been in this situation rather than being made to feel evening more shite but thanks to the considerate ones

OP posts:
GinnyBee · 03/03/2022 11:12

Is he still your bf? You say he won't have contact with the baby so I assume you broke up? Good for you if you did. Make sure it stays that way! He is clearly not responsible enough to even be in an adult relationship, much less become a parent. Stay away from him.

Original poster
KTM1314 · 03/03/2022 11:16

I got his dad to pick all his stuff up on Monday eve. He still has stuff in my garage but his dad couldn't fit it in the car. I've blocked him on everything. It's really hard and worrying being a single parent in 9 weeks but it's for the best and there is no way I am having someone so low in my life yet alone my sons.

OP posts:
ChinChilly · 03/03/2022 11:18

@KTM1314 Hi OP, it's easy for people looking in from the outside to say leave him and pass judgement but ultimately only you know your relationship and the dynamics of it. I haven't been in the situation myself but I know men who have turned thier lives around after thier baby is born. Not all men get that immediate feeling of responsibility like women do, women have to make lifestyle changes from the moment they find out they're pregnant, men don't have that. For alot of men the reality of a baby coming doesn't hit home until baby is here. He may change when baby is here... he may not.

Obviously if he wants to be a dad then he needs to pull his socks up and cut the weekend long parties, baby does also deserve to have his grandparents in his life and vice versa but you probably won't get your head around the logistics of that until he's here.

Try not get worked up over it or responses you get on here, you sound like you've got a sensible head on your shoulders and you wouldn't put your baby at any harm and at the end of the day that's all that matters.

BuyDirt · 03/03/2022 11:23

I’m confused. At first you said he wouldn’t be left alone with baby, now you say he will have contact with baby at all.

Original poster
KTM1314 · 03/03/2022 11:41

I don't really want him involved at all because I'm not having him in and out of the baby's life. But if it went to it's grandparents and he turnt up I would never allow for him to be left alone with him.

OP posts:
Steamedhams · 03/03/2022 12:10

It is hard to give a decent perspective with only half the information Hmm. Your initial post makes it sound like you are still together.

Listen, I hope you can make a clean break from this. You will need to set very clear boundaries for his family and also yourself.

Some questions you may want to consider over the coming days:

  • Do you want him involved at all with your child? (Supervised or otherwise)
-Do you want grandparents involved? If so will baby be allowed around theirs unsupervised? This may increase the risk he will be invited over to see the child. You've already been thinking about this. -Do you want financial support from him? If so he will need to be on birth cert and all that goes along with that. -When the child is older and asks about their father, what do you want them to know? -Are the grandparents reasonable or will they poison your child against you? -What do your own family think? Are they very traditional? Will they be supportive of you etc. -What do you want for yourself (this should probably be first) do you want to stay in the same area? Is now a good time for a fresh start away from this person?

Best of luck OP. It sounds from your follow up posts that you have been thinking clearly about this.

BuyDirt · 03/03/2022 12:23

I don't really want him involved at all because I'm not having him in and out of the baby's life. But if it went to it's grandparents and he turnt up I would never allow for him to be left alone with him.

If they would allow him to turn up, I wouldn’t let the child see his grandparents at their house. If they have to see the baby, they can come to you. I would try to cut them out though, it’s sad if they’re good people but I would g rand the risk.

BuyDirt · 03/03/2022 12:24

I wouldn’t take the risk

DropYourSword · 03/03/2022 12:33

@KTM1314

I got his dad to pick all his stuff up on Monday eve. He still has stuff in my garage but his dad couldn't fit it in the car. I've blocked him on everything. It's really hard and worrying being a single parent in 9 weeks but it's for the best and there is no way I am having someone so low in my life yet alone my sons.
it's for the best and there is no way I am having someone so low in my life yet alone my sons

I hope you stick to this, as you've already had someone this low in your life for 2 years already. I wish you the very best of luck with your baby given you chose a spectacularly shit example as his father!

Hoppinggreen · 03/03/2022 12:46

I hope this doesn’t sound harsh as you have enough on your plate without people judging you but you KNEW what this man was like before you got Pg, did you think he would change?
In most cases relationships like this get harder when there’s a baby involved not easier.
You and your baby don’t deserve this but please expect nothing at all from this excuse for a man and then you wont be disappointed.
Hopefully there are other people who can support you through this

CourtRand · 03/03/2022 13:40

Any man who begs you to keep the child and then contributes nothing to them and keeps going on binges will not clean themselves up to be a good dad. He's either an addict or a massive dickhead (or both).

Don't put him on the BC. He won't get custody if he had to take drug tests. And tbh he wouldn't be seeing my child until he was fully clean if drugs.

CourtRand · 03/03/2022 13:49

Just seen you plan to deny him contact. Good. In terms of his parents, can you trust them not to let him see baby if they're left alone with baby? If not supervised contact with you and grandparents only. If they want to be involved they should be ok with Coming over to see the child with you there.

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