Feeling broken after miscarriage

[TenBees]

It's been 2 weeks since I miscarried, and I don't seem to be getting any better emotionally. I went from so excited and hopeful, to completely destroyed. I know it's wrong, but I keep admonishing myself and saying I shouldn't be this worked up about it because I was "only 7 weeks along", but I can't stop crying. Or if I have a day where I'm not crying, it's because I'm completely empty and can't feel anything.

I have a support network. My mum had a miscarriage before me, my aunt had 2 miscarriages before my 2 cousins. It's not hush hush. But my DH, who also isn't fine, just can't get it. He says that his heart breaks everytime I hears me cry, and that he can't do anything to fix it, but realistically, he can't feel the same as me because he wasn't the one cramping and bleeding and having an ultrasound probe shoved up him. He wasn't the one feeling the changes to my body, and then the changes back to "normal".

I just want to know if it's going to stop feeling like this. I'm terrified to start trying again, but I want to, and that's one of the worst parts.

Hi TenBees

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Me and my partner tried for years before we had our daughter Lisa. I know exactly how you feel. Everyone says it will happen and to keep trying again, but sometimes it's easier said than done. The excitement and build up is beautiful and then suddenly its all gone.

I think one of the key things is to let go of the pressure you put yourself in. Once I did that I felt more relaxed and it helped me gain confidence - sort of like an acceptance that if it happens then I'm grateful and if not then I'll keep trying and that there must have been a good reason why it did not happen this time... it helped me reason with the bad moments and that helped me overcome them.

It will happen ... thinking of you ... and hoping this message will give you some confidence in the good things that are to follow.

xx

Hi @TenBees. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Do whatever gets you through the day. Grief is unpredictable.

The Miscarriage Association do support groups (or they did a couple of years ago) if it helps to talk to people also suffering.

I was a broken husk for a long time tbh. Look after yourself.

first of all, sending the biggest hugs your way, having suffered a loss with my first pregnancy I can sympathize with how you are feeling. One thing I will say, 2 weeks is the shortest of time! take time to grieve, both yourself and your partner, concentrate on yourself and getting your mental health back to where it should be and only when you feel absolutely ready and feel its right for both of you, begin trying again.

I am so sorry for your loss. I have had three.

• it has been only 2 weeks, I mean this kindly but you need to give yourself a break. You have been through a hugely traumatic experience both physically and emotionally.
• you have every right to feel absolutely exactly what you are feeling right now.
• how many weeks you were is completely irrelevant, you are just as justified to feel the way you do as someone having a loss at any other gestation. There is no hierarchy of grief; you are grieving for your loss.
• men can find it very difficult to deal with miscarriages. Without falling into lazy stereotypes, a lot of men are "fixers" and find that feeling of hopelessness very hard to deal with. What helped me and my partner? Talking, talking and more talking. Keeping those lines of communication strengthened our bond and made him feel comfortable to open up too when he was ready.
• don't be ashamed of getting more help. After our 3rd loss I got counselling from a baby loss specialist counsellor. Wow, it really helped. I was sceptical at first but having a safe person to cry at or just rant and rave at did me the world of good.
• you are not alone. You will find (sadly) that there are thousands of women out there going through what you are going through. I don't say this to cheapen how you feel but to reassure you that there is a lot of help out there should you want/need it. I found it helpful to talk to people with real experience of miscarriage as they just "got it".
• if you listen to podcasts there is one on baby loss called The Worst Girl Gang Ever. They have Facebook groups and I found it all invaluable.

Sending love your way

Thank you everyone for your replies. I think the fact that it's such an isolating experience is what's making this hard.

I know the "embryo wasn't genetically viable" argument, and I've had it said to me multiple times, and for future reference - it's a really unhelpful way to offer support for this. I understand where it's coming from, but for a pregnancy that I wanted and I've been trying for a long time, that embryo was my baby.

Hugs. It's a traumatic experience which sadly many of us have experienced.
It will get better, but you're grieving an emotional loss as well as needing to physically heal.
Give it time, take as long as you need. Be kind to yourself.
Most women who miscarry do go on to try again.

@TenBees

Thank you everyone for your replies. I think the fact that it's such an isolating experience is what's making this hard.

I know the "embryo wasn't genetically viable" argument, and I've had it said to me multiple times, and for future reference - it's a really unhelpful way to offer support for this. I understand where it's coming from, but for a pregnancy that I wanted and I've been trying for a long time, that embryo was my baby.

I get it. Please ignore the comments. It really isn't helpful and drove me nuts. People wouldn't dream of doing it for any other type of grief.

GO AWAY how hideous.

I'm not going to comment on your insensitive mean and spiteful comments as I believe you are a troll.

OP I have reported the other poster. Please don't listen to them.

@TheWomanInTheWindow Please stop. I've said it's unhelpful and I really don't need you persisting along this line. I'm a medical professional. I know in far too much grotesque detail everything that happened to my body and my baby. You aren't helping, and I've already said as much.

@showmethegin

OP I have reported the other poster. Please don't listen to them.

Thank you.

@showmethegin

I am so sorry for your loss. I have had three.

• it has been only 2 weeks, I mean this kindly but you need to give yourself a break. You have been through a hugely traumatic experience both physically and emotionally.
• you have every right to feel absolutely exactly what you are feeling right now.
• how many weeks you were is completely irrelevant, you are just as justified to feel the way you do as someone having a loss at any other gestation. There is no hierarchy of grief; you are grieving for your loss.
• men can find it very difficult to deal with miscarriages. Without falling into lazy stereotypes, a lot of men are "fixers" and find that feeling of hopelessness very hard to deal with. What helped me and my partner? Talking, talking and more talking. Keeping those lines of communication strengthened our bond and made him feel comfortable to open up too when he was ready.
• don't be ashamed of getting more help. After our 3rd loss I got counselling from a baby loss specialist counsellor. Wow, it really helped. I was sceptical at first but having a safe person to cry at or just rant and rave at did me the world of good.
• you are not alone. You will find (sadly) that there are thousands of women out there going through what you are going through. I don't say this to cheapen how you feel but to reassure you that there is a lot of help out there should you want/need it. I found it helpful to talk to people with real experience of miscarriage as they just "got it".
• if you listen to podcasts there is one on baby loss called The Worst Girl Gang Ever. They have Facebook groups and I found it all invaluable.

Sending love your way

Thank you for this. I'm going to give that podcast a go. I know I find talking through this as being the most helpful so far.

It really helped me, the two women who present it are lovely and the Facebook groups are full of amazing women too!

Oh sweet, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I was here this time last year. Right now I'm going through my second consecutive MC, I have a D&C this week.

It isn't easy, but I guess it isn't supposed to be.

As much as it pains your DH, it'll be hard for him to understand it from your POV.

I couldn't talk about it with anyone because I didn't think they got it. I ended up taking 2 months off work because I just couldn't move past the emotion.

Give yourself time.

The only thing that helped me was counselling. I had 3 sessions via work and it really helped me go release the emotion, the guilt and the pain. After 3 sessions I just didn't want to talk about it anymore but I felt more confident that I would move forward.

I have moved forward, but it stays with you, you just get better at holding it.

Take your time, and please consider counselling if you think it would help xx

Sending love. I agree worst girl gang ever is a good support. Ignore the idiot poster above.

I had a mc last July. Currently 16 weeks and things are looking ok. I naively assumed it would never happened to me, but now it has I can see how common it is and that things CAN be ok afterwards (you can conceive again, I know this doesn’t remove the pain though).

Sorry for your loss.

It's such a personal thing and no one can tell you how you should be feeling. I understand why people suggest trying to reframe what happened but I know that's not helpful. I miscarried at 13 weeks but didn't consider it a lost baby but a failed pregnancy. I was disappointed but not especially sad. I've learnt from Mumsnet that lots of women consider any failed pregnancy even chemical pregnancies as losses. It's totally normal and yet it's something that many people can't understand.
I think you just have to wait and hope you feel better soon. If you feel that you are not coping then try and get some professional help.

How you handle it is up to you. I've read about people on Mumsnet who had had months off work due to depression caused by miscarriage. I found it helpful to go back to work as soon as physically possible and keep busy. My work were lovely and quite a few of the other woman came and said they had been through the same thing. They were sympathetic

It does get easier with time @TenBees so try to be kind to yourself ❤.
I had a missed miscarriage followed by an MVA last May. Am currently 2 weeks post my second MVA after miscarrying twins this time- in a cruel twist my surgery was actually on Valentines Day.

I know it might feel like you will never be able to recover from this right now, but you will begin to, with time to grieve and come to terms with your loss. Both times for me I have found the emotional recovery could only really start once the physical miscarrying was completed. Are you still miscarrying atm as the hormone drop also affects you massively.

I would say do try to speak to those who care about you, even if it is just so you can express your heartbreak and having a shoulder to cry on. Bottling things in is unhealthy. DH and I sometimes just hugged each other and cried without saying anything, it helped.

You have every right to be devastated and don't need to justify your grief to anyone. I didn't see the deleted messages, but it's very sad to think someone could post unkind messages on a thread like this, please ignore anything stupid that might have been said.

I hope you recover both physically and emotionally and that you have a 🌈 baby in your arms when it is right for you xx