Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Am I Mad...advice please!

36 replies

Dazedandconfusedm11 · 26/02/2022 05:50

I am 50 and have a lovely and bright 6 year old..conceived naturally. Dad is 42.

I tried for a 2nd soon after but had a few losses. So decided to look at IVF. Due to COVID it delayed the process and I am now at the stage where I can choose a donor egg and try to get pregnant.

I am fit, healthy and financially secure.

Am I Mad for wanting a sibling for my child and a much loved and wanted child?

Anyone out there have a child at 50?

If I miss this chance of having a child this year, then I would not pursue any further.

In one way it is a crazy idea..but the next my child is not too old for a sibling.

My dad was 16 when I was born and he died when I was 9..so I would have loved to have had my dad more than 9 years but young parent did not mean long life...

What do you all think?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
snowdropsanddaffodils · 26/02/2022 06:40

I think using donor eggs and sperm is morally and ethically a bit selfish sorry OP especially at 50 and especially when you already have a child at home sorry. Sometimes you just have to accept that a boat has sailed

Original poster
Dazedandconfusedm11 · 26/02/2022 06:43

It is a donar egg but partners sperm.

Thanks for your oplnlon.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/02/2022 06:49

I wouldn’t - 52 with a toddler, god no. 55 and trying to split your time between kids activities (due to the age gap).
60 at the school gate- everyone assuming you’re the grandma. Just no
I’m sorry but so many things in life don’t turn out how we’d like or planned, that’s life.

Mintyt · 26/02/2022 06:56

No I don't think it's a good idea to put your family through this, be content with what you have, 50 55 and 60 are very different

autienotnaughty · 26/02/2022 07:00

Different strokes for different folks. I had my third child at 37 and felt very old compared to my others who I had in my 20's. It's what's right for you and your family most people live to their 70's so you should see your children through to adulthood.

Original poster
Dazedandconfusedm11 · 26/02/2022 07:12

Your are right..people are living longer and my great-nan is a spritely 98, so let's hope I take after her

OP posts:
EllieJai44 · 26/02/2022 07:18

Unfortunately OP coming on here for opinions possibly hasn't given you what you wanted.

Tbh if your financially stable and have a loving home to give and want this for your family, go ahead and do it! Only you and your husband can decide what is right for your family!

Like you say no one can predict what is round the corner at any age!

SpamIAm · 26/02/2022 07:23

You're the only person here who knows how well you coped with pregnancy, and how well you'll cope with the sleep deprivations and running round after little ones. I found my second pregnancy at 30 really hard and not a chance I'd be doing it again, and I feel totally exhausted and like my kids don't get enough input from me because im just so bloody exhausted. Couldn't imagine doing it 20 years later. But that's just me and has fuck all to do with whether it's the right decision for you and your family.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 26/02/2022 07:29

The biggest issue for me would not be the age you die but the age you start to decline. I would have a read through the elderly parents board and ask yourself if this is something you want for an adult in their 20s.

Original poster
Dazedandconfusedm11 · 26/02/2022 07:37

Thank you all and I value all your opinions. It is interesting what people think and some of these opinions are what I would face if I went ahead. It doesn't bother me.

I think for me...I hate having regrets..don't they say you only regret what you haven't done.

One side of me doesn't want to live with..what if...

My head says No..but my heart says yes and I have the chance to change my child's future with a sibling..that is the IVF works.

If it didn't work..I would be fine because I tried...
Mmmmmm.....

OP posts:
Teaandcrumpets95 · 26/02/2022 07:40

I'm not going to judge whether you should have another child or try to get pregnant again.

But I did want to add a different perspective. I'm 26 years old and I have a very close friend who is currently dealing with her mums onset of dementia. And it is horrendous to deal with. Obviously horrendous for anyone but she has no other family support, and tbh none of us at this age feel equipped on how to deal with this.
She's said she's losing her mum while she's still here, and trying to organise carers/ support is really hard and mentally/ emotionally taxing. My friends mental health is suffering immensely as a result.

As you get older you'll likely deteriorate (as we all do) and you don't know what that's going to look like. But it's possible your children may have to deal with similar situations at very young ages.
I would just consider this and please have other avenues of support/ plans in place because it's honestly one of the hardest situations any of my peers has had to deal with so far.

Original poster
Dazedandconfusedm11 · 26/02/2022 07:45

That is true about declining health and I hear you.....but that sometimes is a lottery.

My friend lost both her parents to cancer at 30, they were early 50's..and my great nan has smoked all her life, drinks a tot of whiskey each day and her 90's.

You just have to do everything you can to ward off disease as best you can.

I see lots of young women in my area, smoke, overweight, no exercise etc..that can be worse for children, that their parents are setting themselves up to disease in young age too.

Quite a dilemma...

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/02/2022 07:52

I think the sad thing is you only reference anothrr child as a play thing for your existing child. With a 6/7 yr age gap the experience may be very different

snowdropsanddaffodils · 26/02/2022 07:55

It's sounds like you've already decided.....in all these posts there is no thought to the child who you will bring into the world with no genetic link to you and then the odds being that you and your husband will not be around to see them into adulthood. Very few donor eggs are given altruistically - they are donated by women in poorer countries for financial reward, they are also given by desperate women trying to fund their own fertility treatment - you don't "need" donor eggs for medical reasons - you are simply old. I'd imagine that many donors would be aghast if they thought their eggs and biological child was being given to people in these circumstances. Sorry if that's harsh but it's a harsh truth which is often skirted around on mumsnet where having a child is often seen as right rather than privilege

TinaYouFatLard · 26/02/2022 08:04

Sorry but using a donor egg because you are too old is morally questionable at best.

Please also consider that sibling relationships are not always how you picture them in a perfect world. I have friends whose lives have been made considerably worse by their sibling and the age gap means they would not be natural playmates.

Original poster
Dazedandconfusedm11 · 26/02/2022 08:05

I haven't made a decision at all..otherwise I wouldn't have posted!

I would happily adopt or foster and they are options I would look into if I didn't go ahead.

The reason for donor eggs is because mine which I had frozen years earlier where destroyed by mistake, but that is another story. So I had made provisions to use my own eggs.

Some opinions are not right..it is not about a plaything for my child etc.

It is hard to get over my long fertility journey on this forum, but where I am today and potential decision is one I have agonised over. I started IVF journey many years before which stopped and started over the years.

Thanks for your opinions..

OP posts:
Lux523 · 26/02/2022 08:32

You don't need to justify your life choices to anyone but you.
Go ahead and complete your family, why wouldn't you? There are no guarantees with anything in life so risk assessments can be endless.

Work with the facts available to you here and now.

Also, for the record, my oldest daughter and youngest daughter (no IVF) are 7 years apart and they really are the best of friends.
Not quite the same but I've fallen pregnant while on the pill and we're expecting baby no.4 in October, I'll be 43.

You sound like you know what you want, go for it.

thanktor · 26/02/2022 08:35

Yes you are

thanktor · 26/02/2022 08:36

That ship has sailed

Original poster
Dazedandconfusedm11 · 26/02/2022 08:40

@thanktor

That ship has sailed
Thank you for kind words and constructive advice..you sound like a joy!!
OP posts:
thanktor · 26/02/2022 08:41

You asked a question
Sorry I didn’t give you the answer you wanted

thanktor · 26/02/2022 08:42

The fact I think you’re too old to begin the process of a second child

Doesn’t mean I’m not a “joy”

I just means that I think you’re too old

AlternativePerspective · 26/02/2022 08:48

We go through menopause for good reasons, because naturaly we’re not meant to have children after a certain age. it’s nature, and now we’re trying to interfere with it.

Added to which you are going to have a child by donor eggs, which is morally questionable at best, but you’re potentially going to have an adult child who is struggling with their own identity and not knowing their own history at the same time the mother who had them just because she wanted to, is possibly declining in health.

In essence, if it was possible to naturally have children at 50, then you would. As it’s not, that ship has sailed and that time in your life is over.

toomuchlaundry · 26/02/2022 08:51

You seem to have spent quite a chunk of your life trying to have a child. You now have one, why don’t you now spend your time enjoying them

piglet81 · 26/02/2022 16:03

@Dazedandconfusedm11

Your are right..people are living longer and my great-nan is a spritely 98, so let's hope I take after her
You’re 50 and your great-Nan is 98? Really? Hmm
Swipe left for the next trending thread