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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

I want my mum not my partner in the delivery

46 replies

Abstractmama · 24/01/2022 19:43

How do I tell him? I think he’ll be disappointed but he might be relieved? I don’t know. It’s hard to gauge.
This wasn’t a planned pregnancy and he was very against going ahead with it but I told him I was keeping the baby. He’s on board now and is excited. One of my issues is that he’s bought nothing for the baby. I’ve literally bought everything. He’s not offered to buy anything or give me some of the money back for it. I don’t feel like I can ask him as he didn’t want this baby(but does now). He has strong opinions on names and what the baby wears but won’t actually buy any clothes!
He’s totally unprepared for the birth, for a newborn. I’ve suggested many homes that he reads up on what to expect, but he is expecting me to tell him(this isn’t my first baby). We don’t live together if that’s relevant.
I just want my mum in the delivery with me and she’s said she will. How do I tell him this?

OP posts:
OnceuponaRainbow18 · 24/01/2022 19:44

Almost sounds like you’re trying to punish him as he’s not providing for baby?

mobear · 24/01/2022 19:46

The way you phrase it it sounds like you want to punish him for not doing certain things? I would try and avoid phrasing it that way when you tell him.

BluebellsGreenbells · 24/01/2022 19:47

I think that’s unfair!

They don’t sound romantically involved not living together not deciding on names etc so I think it’s fair to ask your mother to support you in labor rather than him. This should be about the mother not him.

Winniemarysarah · 24/01/2022 19:48

Are you actually together op?

Stichintime · 24/01/2022 19:48

If you want him to bond with the baby the delivery room is a good place to start.

Diggersaursarethebest · 24/01/2022 19:50

What are the rules about birth partners at your hospital and are they likely to change before you’re due? You may be able to have them both there.

Diggersaursarethebest · 24/01/2022 19:51

If you can only have one person in the delivery room with you, could your DP visit as soon as baby is born? Or would he have to wait until you’re both discharged from hospital ?

brunonononono · 24/01/2022 19:53

Birth partner is there to support mum, no ‘watch’ the birth or for their own benefit so you should absolutely have who YOU are most comfortable with.

OnlyAFleshWound · 24/01/2022 19:53

I hope you're giving the baby your name OP.

owlsanctuarydate · 24/01/2022 19:57

Neither of you sound particularly mature TBH. He needs to engage properly, you need to stop equating presence at the birth with the amount he's bought for the baby (it isn't pay per view).

Krakenchorus · 24/01/2022 19:59

Have your Mum with you. You won't regret that. You might really regret having him in there. And resent him. The birth partner is there to support you - it's all about you. Do not take his feelings into account.

KG1000 · 24/01/2022 20:00

When I had my first, I vaguely remember some statistic that suggested women have a safer birth experience when their birth partner is a woman who has given birth herself. It was 12 years ago, and I am afraid I can't provide the specifics. I do think the issue that you don't want Dad to be there is likely to prevent you from relaxing and may well slow down labour. I suggest you do your own research into this and discuss it from that angle.

My husband very much wanted our kids, was active throughout pregnancy, but even he was unsure if he wanted to be at the birth of our first. I had home births, so luckily we could be flexible. My mum was there and I left my husband to make his own mind up. The last thing I wanted was for him to be there if he felt uncomfortable. In the end, he stayed and is really glad he did. But, I wouldn't have been upset if it was just my Mum; she had two c sections so was thrilled to be a part of our deliveries.

Pegasussnail · 24/01/2022 20:01

Few things...

You need to sort the money now. He needs to pay for half of the baby stuff !

Have your mum there If you want but I do think the child's dad should be there really- at least in the waiting room and there just at the end as you get skin to skin

If you are not married give the baby your name Flowers

Biscuitandacuppa · 24/01/2022 20:02

Honestly the only people who should be present are those who will support you. Labour is not performance art or a teaching moment! He can be there shortly after and have his bonding time. But you need to feel safe, supported and loved.

Original poster
Abstractmama · 24/01/2022 20:02

Yes we’re together. He’s quite a lot younger than me. I’m definitely not punishing him, but he can be quite a stressy person and I need someone with me who will support me, not be flakey and look terrified/horrified at what’s going to happen in the delivery room.
As it stands, I’m only allowed one person in with me and can’t swap over at any time during labour.
I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but my feelings feel valid, too

OP posts:
nadgersbadgers · 24/01/2022 20:03

Who's going to support and advocate for you?

Ask them.

Who ever that is.

And it's tough for any one else. No one else is entitled to be there if they're not going to be t he one to support you.

sunshinesky · 24/01/2022 20:04

Have your mum, you won't regret that no matter what happens and your birth partner should be there to support you, not for their benefit only.

Tell him you need to agree a maintenance payment before the birth so you can pay for the things you've ordered and you're more financially prepared for your maternity leave. If he won't, contact the CMS after the baby is born, you should not have to shoulder all the financial strain.

RedRobin100 · 24/01/2022 20:06

You have children, you know what labour and delivery is like - personally I’d want someone who was able to support you and advocate for you as needed.
Setting aside his attitude to baby so far, if you’re more comfortable with your mum for above reasons youre within your rights to just choose her.
You don’t sound overly confident in him.
I’d choose mum in your shoes.

Tell him you you want your mum for those reasons.

ANameChangeAgain · 24/01/2022 20:06

I don't think op is suggesting its a pay per view, I think she is just trying to illustrate how he says he is interested but doesn't show it.
You need someone there you can depend on and who you can trust. This isn't about experiences for other people, its about what you need.

Krakenchorus · 24/01/2022 20:08

It's not just that you feelings are valid, too. Your feelings are ALL that matters on this subject. Because you wi be the one giving birth.

He can visit the baby after the birth.

Original poster
Abstractmama · 24/01/2022 20:08

@ANameChangeAgain

I don't think op is suggesting its a pay per view, I think she is just trying to illustrate how he says he is interested but doesn't show it. You need someone there you can depend on and who you can trust. This isn't about experiences for other people, its about what you need.
Exactly this. I’m quite happy I’ve bought everything as I don’t feel I owe him anything if that makes sense.
OP posts:
AliasGrape · 24/01/2022 20:08

Your birth partner should be whoever you feel most comfortable with and who you feel will provide you the most support. It doesn’t have to be the father and you’re under no obligation to have him there just because he is the father.

I think you’ll just have to be quite straight with him ‘I really need someone I can feel totally comfortable with to support me in the birth, I need someone who knows what’s involved and who can advocate for me. I’ve decided to ask my mum as I feel that she’s best placed to do that, hope you understand.

If he doesn’t understand then you can point out that he hasn’t shown much commitment to you or this baby, hasn’t seemed to be doing much to be getting prepared for the birth, hasn’t read anything or informed himself, and whilst that’s totally up to him, it doesn’t give you confidence in his abilities as a birth partner.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 24/01/2022 20:09

Its entirely your choice and your body - you don't have to give him any reason but I feel more comfortable giving birth with another woman is reason enough.
Don't let him pressure you into it. I didn't want anybody with me at the birth except the midwife and refused to let anybody in.
When you are giving birth any tension will cause more pain, you need to be relaxed with people you love and trust.
Just tell him what is happening and he will have to lump it.

Bringonsummer19 · 24/01/2022 20:09

Oh crikey OP. His is the father of your child and you don’t think he’ll support you in labour…….

LadyCluck · 24/01/2022 20:10

Have your mum.

You need someone there who is fully supportive and will advocate for you and it sounds like he’s not the best person for that.