I want my mum not my partner in the delivery

[Abstractmama]

How do I tell him? I think he’ll be disappointed but he might be relieved? I don’t know. It’s hard to gauge.
This wasn’t a planned pregnancy and he was very against going ahead with it but I told him I was keeping the baby. He’s on board now and is excited. One of my issues is that he’s bought nothing for the baby. I’ve literally bought everything. He’s not offered to buy anything or give me some of the money back for it. I don’t feel like I can ask him as he didn’t want this baby(but does now). He has strong opinions on names and what the baby wears but won’t actually buy any clothes!
He’s totally unprepared for the birth, for a newborn. I’ve suggested many homes that he reads up on what to expect, but he is expecting me to tell him(this isn’t my first baby). We don’t live together if that’s relevant.
I just want my mum in the delivery with me and she’s said she will. How do I tell him this?

It sounds as though you are afraid he will make it more about him than you?
I agree with pp, the person with you in labour should be there to support you 100%. Choose whichever person will do that. He can provide support immediately thereafter, financial and otherwise.

@owlsanctuarydate

Neither of you sound particularly mature TBH. He needs to engage properly, you need to stop equating presence at the birth with the amount he's bought for the baby (it isn't pay per view).

What a really horrible thing to say. You should be ashamed. He's a feckless father who hasn't bought anything, cared enough to read anything or get prepared in any way, not exactly a great start to being a parent. He will be about as much good in the birthing room as a damp rag.

Have you asked him to be there? If he isn't prepared to read up about what a birthing partners role is then he can't be annoyed if you say you want your mum there with you who knows the score. It would be alright if we weren't in a pandemic as he could be there too but you have to make a choice and have one person - the one YOU know will be totally in control and have your back the entire time. He might be with you for a chunk of the labour anyway i.e the start!

Hope it works out.

@Diggersaursarethebest

If you can only have one person in the delivery room with you, could your DP visit as soon as baby is born? Or would he have to wait until you’re both discharged from hospital ?

Not sure about ops hospital but the hospital I give birth In I had to pick one person to be my birth partner and that person was the only one allowed to visit while I was in hospital. my husband didn't see the baby until he was 4 days old has he couldn't be at the birth. Thankfully my sister was with me but she just about made it in time she arrived at 9.15 and I give birth at 9.28

OP, tell him labour is messy and painful and sometimes scary and you need someone with you who isn’t going to feel grossed out or shocked and who knows what’s going to happen and will stay calm about it. I told my DH that he was welcome to be there but I’d be fine without him if it got too much at any point or if he didn’t want to watch. He’s a bit squeamish about blood so I wasn’t sure how he would react. He was ok in the end but I think he did find it quite shocking, but he mostly managed to keep his cool and I think he was pleased he was there for the moment we first met our child. He could have done without seeing the placenta apparently 😂. And he didn’t want to cut the cord. I didn’t want anyone else there (other that the wonderful midwives!) but wanting your mum is very reasonable and fairly common. Find out from your midwives what the policy is on fathers visiting after birth (esp if you need to stay a night or more). Have your mum at the delivery, and your partner the first person other than you and your mum who will meet your baby.

I explained to.my now exh that labour is about me and getting our baby out safely. He was useless. Always have someone supportive at your birth.

The problem is he is all no talk but no action. The way you talk worries me saying what unborn child can / can't wear. Has strong ideas on name.

Agree with previous poster ensure baby has your surname.

He sounds ikea a competent twat to be honest OP. Have your mum there. He can't even buy anything for his child, not even clothes but wants a say in what the baby wears? He can fuck off with that. Give the baby your second name.

Yes I’ve asked him to be there as it’s the ‘done thing’ that the father is there. I’ve talked to him about skin to skin, cutting the cord etc and had to explain in detail what both meant. He literally knows zilch and as pp said, hasn’t bothered to find out.
I was in hospital recently as I thought I was in labour, he met me there and seemed on edge and agitated. I don’t need that when I’m in labour.

It doesn't matter what your reasons are, or how involved he is, if you want your mum there not your partner, that's your call. You are the one giving birth, and it's an incredibly raw and vulnerable position to be in - the only person whose needs matter is you. Just explain, kindly but firmly, that that's what you need to support you, and you'll look forward to him meeting the baby when it arrives.

I wish he was a complete twat. Would make this so much easier. But he’s not, he’s just very naive and inexperienced. We’re all inexperienced before hand but we arm ourselves with as much information as we can in preparation. He just hasn’t

With dc1 I told dh I wanted him with me for birth alongside dm. But in case something happened and I was only allowed one person, I would prefer to have dm instead of him. She has a more calming effect on me. But if he truly wants to stay I wouldn't push out of the room. Dh shaked my hand and said dm coming with me, takes a huge amount of pressure of him. He even said he would 100% prefer to miss the entire birth. After all, the reason he was coming to the birth was to support me. He then said something along the lines of, I'm already babies father and can see him anytime. You get no rewards for being the first to see him. The first time I see him, would still be the first time I see him.

I don’t see how he can support or advocate for you if he had no clue what labour is likely to be like.

How far along are you? Is there time for you & him to attend antenatal classes together? My DH found them more useful than I did - before that I think he assumed it would all be like it’s portrayed on films.

Also although my DH came shopping for baby stuff with me, he wouldn’t have had a clue what to buy, or cared about differences in colours/styles like I did. His job was to carry the shopping bags! So in your case I wouldn’t be surprised about lack of purchases, but your DP should be paying for half of what’s needed.

@Shelby2010 I’m 35 weeks. I booked an online antenatal class, purely for his benefit, but he couldn’t have been less interested and we switched off after 10 minutes. Said he’d been on a computer all day at work and the last thing he wanted to do was go back on one. So I gave up. I’d actually forgotten about that. So I think that might be brought up when I finally get the guts to tell him I’m having my mum there

My husband is a wonderful man but he found the prep for birth really frustrating. He came to 2 full days of classes with me but it was info overload and he didn't get why he needed to know all the medical details. I explained it was to advocate but he is very much of the doctors know what they're doing type (which generally I am too but luckily I had a midwife led birth). Sometimes people don't get why they need the info. He also didn't read any books. I read at least 20. That said he provided for us to the hilt and was actually wonderful in the room. Did exactly what I asked him too and pushed for the epidural they were trying to stall. I would never want to replace my mum with my partner at the delivery if i could possibly help it. Sets quite a strong precedent.

Have your mum there. You don’t seem to like him or have anything nice to say about him.

Who’ll be with your other child(ren) if your mum is with you?

I’m trying to write down what I want to say but I’m tripping over my words.

My other dc will be with their dad

What’s the plan post delivery OP? Is he moving in with you?

Oh and just tell him he stresses you out, seems disengaged and immature and you don’t want him there. He shows so sign of giving a crap about your feelings, stop worrying about his. And get back any money he owes you. The relationship doesn’t seem likely to last, get what you can. Give the baby your name and prepare to file a claim with the CMS when he inevitably bails on the whole thing.

He isn’t really your partner. He isn’t taking part in practical planning for the baby. It would be completely different if you wanted to exclude an active, involved father from then delivery room. That would make a statement.

No. We’ve no plans to live together any time soon. I’m ok with this!