Would you be annoyed?

[Pie18]

Hey, long one but bare with me so I’m 31 weeks pregnant with twins and just looking for advice on wether my pregnancy emotions are getting the better of me or I have valid reason to be annoyed!
So my daughters birthday is at the beginning of December, I don’t work so receive universal credit, the twins are with a different dad than my little girl.. so I asked my partner if he could start buying for the twins whilst I sorted out my daughters birthday and Christmas, he agreed to this and fast forward to now, he has only bought a few vests and a couple bibs and hats, so nothing really. Luckily my family and his family have bought us a lot, pram, cot mostly all the main expensive stuff. But we still have so much to buy, double everything. I’ve worked out how much we’d need to get everything and it came to around £600, I’m due in February so not a lot of time at all.
Anyways he mentioned a couple week back he was going on a day/night out drinking (this weekend) with his friends, having food, football etc. He told me he accounted £150 for this night out. I was so annoyed, how can he be spending this much money when we need so much stuff for the babies?! I would never.
So luckily I’ve been able to get a loan of £700, this will cover everything for the babies, he’s then asked me to lend him money for a haircut and to get his eyebrows done, and if I will use this money to pay a bill he’s struggled to pay and that in a couple of weeks he will use his wages from work to buy any last baby things we need. So basically I’m buying absolutely everything and he’s hardly contributed at all, God I’d love to be able to go and splash money on myself, but I have priorities, He also stated “I feel a lot less guilty about going out drinking now you’ve got that loan” oh really? I just feel a weight lifted off my shoulders as the babies will have everything they need thanks to me, but I’ll be the one paying this loan off, whilst he splashes money on going out. It’s really irritated me, I have brought up how annoyed I am a couple times but he thinks now this loan is coming it’s okay, it’s just the principle for me! If he’d of stuck to the plan and started buying things last year, we’d of been far finished by now. Sorry for the rant, would you ladies be annoyed if your partner did this?
Thankyou in advance!

He got his eyebrows done?! You're getting yourself in debt to pay for his children and he's spending money on eyebrows and booze?! This is extremely concerning. Do not give him anymore money. I would suggest you insist he sets up a standing order whereby you receive money from him on payday otherwise he'll piss it up the wall. You need to have a good hard think about whether you should be continuing in a relationship with this guy because you could end up in a financial mess.

I wouldn't give him a penny, infact I'd be insisting he packs his bags and leaves today.
Since when did eyebrows come above what your children need? Why are you allowing this looser to use you?

Er yeah I'd be pissed - were these babies planned? And with him? Appreciate your now pregnant but why weren't you working before? So you could have put aside money for what you need?

He would be having nothing off me. You've arra he's that money for the babies not for him also they don't need as much as you think. They really do only need a few vests and babygroes. They will be gifted a lot of clothes wheb they are born. You do not need to slget into debt for some clothes they will be outgrown in a few weeks

OP - he wants you to pay to get his eyebrows done and you’ve got twins on the pay which you’re struggling to buy things for
This is fucked up
What redeeming features does he have?

You're eligible for a Sure Start Maternity grant because you're on UC and this is a multiple birth.

This is a £500 Grant which you do not have to pay back. I would advise claiming for that and paying off the bulk of your loan with it.

It's impossible to manage on UC if you have to deduct loan instalments each month.

Unfortunately, your partner doesn't sound like he's mature or responsible enough to commit to you and three children
Are you planning to move in together? Think carefully about how that will impact your benefits and any housing situation should it not work out.

In answer to your Question, of course he's being unreasonable. He's acting like a child and putting himself first. This is a huge warning sign for you.

I'd also advise buying second hand. You have the basics; cot, pram and some new born clothes. Stock up on nappies and scour free sites and second hand/ charity shops.

I really don't think this man is going to provide for you and your children.

Wow. He sounds insanely awful. A vain narcissist

What about him made you think he'd be a good father?

Trust your instincts, don't brush this off as (or let him tell you you're) "being hormonal".

Let's look at the facts; he wants to borrow money from you, he's made promises to pay for things and hasn't, he cant pay his own bills and he's promising to pay you back and buy everything the babies need with next month's wages.

Is he expecting a massive pay rise then? It's not going to happen is it?

What on earth! No this isn’t you being hormonal. He’s prioritising his hair, eyebrows and nights out over things his children need, and is happy to see you get into debt to provide for them. What a complete knob.

If all of the baby stuff is going to be £600 then he needs to give you at least £300 plus the money you lent him. You use that to pay back the loan and get yourself out of debt.

Please don’t put up with this.

You’re not hormonal, you’re just realising that your “partner” is a colossal bellend.

This man is a joke. Husband and I are both working full time making good money but used to be broke and even now it would never cross our mind to spend £150 on a nights out (unless maybe it was time as a family, like to see a musical) or get our eyebrows done when the money could towards paying off the mortgage. He can learn to do his own eyebrows surely?

Having said that though as already been said buy everything second hand and definitely do not get into debt for baby stuff! Except for the basics most of it is pretty useless anyway and only gets used for a very short time.

No this is not your hormones making you react like this. Its him being a dick that is causing the issues.
Dont give him a single penny of that loan.

Aside from the points above, join your local twins club. People are always giving stuff away free or very cheaply in ours.

Annoyed? I'd be furious. How does he contribute to the situation? This is a really vulnerable time for you, and he should be stepping up, not prioritising himself and wasting cash like a show pony, while you're focusing on your kids and borrowing money to do so.

I'd take the steps you need to secure yourself as much as possible financially going forward, don't give him a penny from now on, and try and relax your expectations on what you "need" and what you might be able to get away with in terms of buying new things.

Also, potentially shave his eyebrows off while he's asleep, depending on exactly how hormonal I was.

I can’t even begin to tell you how wrong this is.
My sons father, now long an ex, was very like this (and still is!)

He would spend all his money on payday whilst I paid everything else, including a large nursery bill. He thought as I earned more than him, it was my responsibility. He pays his child maintenance now and always has, but once he’s paid that, he spends galore and then asks to borrow money the week after (which I never give him).

Unless he’s amazing in other ways, I’d be cutting this guy loose asap

Hey OP, I have a 2.5 year old 3 month old twins. I have a stack load of clothes - tiny baby through to 3 months if you need them. I'll happily post vests and sleepsuits to you.

Also when you say you need double everything, you more than likely don't. We have one baby bath, one crib, etc etc you do wish you'll have double the time though 😉

Let me know if I can help.

Thankyou everyone, I knew I wasn’t being emotional, it is selfish of him, I’d expressed so many times I was worried about how we’re going to get everything sorted and he’s always said not to worry and he will sort it out and to trust him…
I must say he’s amazing in general, he treats my little girl like his own, he pays a couple of bills for me, always helps out, he really does love and care for me, with me being heavily pregnant now he always comes over and cleans my house and entertains my little girl so I can rest etc.. and this is the first time he’s ever bugged me like this, like it’s completely out of the ordinary for him which I think is why it’s shocked/annoyed me so much. Saw a poster mention the maternity grant which Thankyou I will look into that definitely!
I’ve already expressed how I feel about to him, he’s still going but has said he will pay half the loan off, it’s still so selfish of him to of put this before buying things we needed and if I hadn’t of got this money god knows how we would of done it, but on the bright side I’m not worrying anymore! He also said “I’ve never had a newborn before so I didn’t realise how much was needed, especially for two” like yeah a lot…
Suppose all I can do is let this one slide and hope he steps up and manages his money better when the twins are here, as as we all know, the cost doesn’t stop! There’ll be no chance of moving in together for the time being! Thankyou all x

@Pie18

Thankyou everyone, I knew I wasn’t being emotional, it is selfish of him, I’d expressed so many times I was worried about how we’re going to get everything sorted and he’s always said not to worry and he will sort it out and to trust him… I must say he’s amazing in general, he treats my little girl like his own, he pays a couple of bills for me, always helps out, he really does love and care for me, with me being heavily pregnant now he always comes over and cleans my house and entertains my little girl so I can rest etc.. and this is the first time he’s ever bugged me like this, like it’s completely out of the ordinary for him which I think is why it’s shocked/annoyed me so much. Saw a poster mention the maternity grant which Thankyou I will look into that definitely! I’ve already expressed how I feel about to him, he’s still going but has said he will pay half the loan off, it’s still so selfish of him to of put this before buying things we needed and if I hadn’t of got this money god knows how we would of done it, but on the bright side I’m not worrying anymore! He also said “I’ve never had a newborn before so I didn’t realise how much was needed, especially for two” like yeah a lot… Suppose all I can do is let this one slide and hope he steps up and manages his money better when the twins are here, as as we all know, the cost doesn’t stop! There’ll be no chance of moving in together for the time being! Thankyou all x

So let me get this straight he's spending half on the loan? And that's it? Yet your family members etc are having to help you buy the rest and he still thinks it's okay to go out get pissed and spend money on his eyebrows of all things... yeah he's not as perfect as what your making him out to be. He's going to be a huge headache when the babies are actually born sorry to be blunt. He has no idea what he's in for, newborns are hard but two newborns? Even harder.

He sounds like a total loser

Was your ex a loser?

Because it sounds like there may be a pattern here.

@BooksAndGin
Yeah, extremely selfish of him, he has really disappointed me, and I won’t let it go! I suppose once the babies are here I’ll have to see if he steps up and sorts it out, we will see, I’ll be making sure I don’t let anything like this slide again!

I think you should raise your expectations a little Op! If he's regularly staying/eating at your place then the least he can do is contribute towards a couple of the household bills. I don't think that's exceptional.

There's every chance he's just at an immature quite selfish stage of his life where he wants to still live the single lifestyle; going out with his mates, treating himself with his wages and not budgeting (or caring) about "family" money and just dipping in and out of your home?

That's at odds with your life experience; you've had a long time living independently, budgeting and being responsible for yourself and a child.

You should be angry that he's asking for money from your loan. He's taking money away from your children and its not on. Presumably you're paying interest on that loan too.

I'd advise holding fire on him moving in, putting his name on the tenancy or sharing finances at this stage.

Good luck with your twins, it sounds as though you have a kind supportive family around you which is a real blessing.

More info on maternity grant attached.