When labour didn’t go to plan…

[TreeRoad]

Hi all,

I had my baby some weeks ago and end of the labour didn’t go well, with a complication for me.

I suffered a haemorrhage post-delivery and things went awry. The haemorrhage was huge - I’m lucky to be alive as I lost about 60% of my blood volume.

Although I avoided theatre, I only had very brief skin to skin contact with my baby before there was 20 people around me due to the emergency.

The baby is fine - as am I - and we’ve been home for a while. As time goes on, I think about what happened a lot. I feel sort of cheated.

Of course I’m incredibly grateful to have had the help available that I did and I know people out there have far worse experiences. I think about the small things that I didn’t get to do - no real time with baby, no proper skin to skin, no time with my partner afterwards, no natural progression from the delivery area to post-natal care.

I also haven’t been able to breastfeed due to the blood I lost. I never got past the colostrum stage. My baby wasn’t getting nearly enough milk so I had to go to formula.

Every time I think about the feeding, it hurts. I feel like an absolute failure and although my baby is healthy and gaining plenty of weight, I feel like I’ve let them down. I’m so angry at myself that I wasn’t able to do such a simple thing as produce the milk. I had briefly mentioned this to my partner the other day but he wasn’t interested so the conversation never came to be.

Did anyone else have an experience like this where things just didn’t go as they had wanted? I would love to get over it and move on, but it’s proving a bit of a process.

Is there any way you can reframe your thinking so instead of being mad at yourself for not being a too produce milk you are bloody ecstatic at yourself for surviving after such a huge blood loss. Your baby is much better off with you around !! Congratulations. It’s hellishly hard with a newborn. Be kind to yourself.

So sorry OP. Have you had a labour debrief? This is something you could ask for. It is unfair you weren't able to breastfeed. I had similar with my son after an emergency c section. I felt guilt and sadness for a while. But as he's grown and I've seen him thrive this has reduced a lot so hopefully it will for you too.

Hi @TreeRoad
I am so sorry to read that you have had a difficult experience with your Labour and post partum. I can't imagine how terrible you must have felt after losing all of that blood.

If it helps, I am 7 weeks post partum with twins. I had a c section with a large blood loss (2L - so not as much as you). Both babies ended up in NICU and breastfeeding was a disaster, physically and mentally painful. They both ended up on formula and then 2 days after delivery I was back in theatre for retained product which contributed to the end of our breastfeeding journey.

I have found that even though I want to put the whole experience behind me and focus on our babies (who are now well and home with us)... I feel huge sadness over the whole experience and a tad envious/resentful of those who have had smoother experiences.

I spoke with my health visitor who arranged for me to meet with a Maternal Well-being Midwife and a counsellor from the community mental health team to go through my experience and hopefully help me move forward - could you do something similar?

Big virtual hugs- sounds like you're doing better than you give yourself credit for - just don't be afraid to ask for help.

Hi OP. I could have written this post! I had a massive bleed when giving birth. My daughter was quickly taken from me within seconds of having her as I went into shock- no skin to skin contact at all. I was in HDU for a day and couldn't really do much as I was hooked up to all sorts of machines. Not able to breast feed as no milk came through due to the trauma (midwives did a blood sugar test on her about 8 hours after trying to feed her and were worried so it was decided then to bottle feed).
The worst moment of it all was when I was in the normal post natal ward and in the next bed to me was a young girl who didn't want to breast feed and I had to listen to the nurse lecturing her on the benefits and how she was letting her baby down..... Needless to say there were a few words exchanged with my nurse about that!!
My daughter is now a healthy 16 year old- do I wish things had been different? Yes, but then I think of what could have been puts everything into perspective.

My labour was a farce from start to finish, being mid-managed for days resulting in a very rushed forceps delivery.
I was very ill during and after, resulting in not only both of us almost losing our lives, but me being unable to breastfeed or even look after the baby much at all.
Although I didn't haemorrhage as badly as OP, I lost a lot of blood and instead of dealing with it, the staff and students were making bets on how much blood there was on the floor and laughing and joking about it looking like an art project.
We were kicked out after 24hrs despite me having a fever, as they were moving the labour ward that day to a different floor and didn't have the staff available to move patients - anyone that could stand was told to go home. I had appointments booked in with the breast feeding expert and some tests for the baby - but they were missed due to me having to go home early.
Due to the lack of care my baby was back in hospital within a couple of weeks and was extremely ill. I myself was ill for several months and barely bonded with my baby.

My anger lies solely with the useless staff members at the hospital. THEY are the reason for the issues we faced so I'm not angry at myself for not being able to breastfeed. I tried for a few weeks but my baby wasn't gaining weight and I was producing less and less milk. I was pushed and pushed to keep trying when it clearly wasn't going to happen.
My DP was incredibly supportive and listened to all of my worries, complaints and rants.

I mainly feel cheated out of my maternity leave. We had lovely plans to enjoy being a family and instead I was ill for most of it, plus we went into lockdown a couple of weeks after the birth.

Apparently I have PTSD from the birth. I unexpectedly got pregnant again and someone was sent out to persuade me to join an online group to talk through what happened. I cannot do this as I break down whenever the birth is discussed. I'm supposed to be on an enhanced birthing plan yet I've heard nothing from anyone for months and haven't seen my midwife for two months as she's constantly off sick. I'm due to give birth in less than 6wks. The panic is starting to set in now.
I can also see me repeating the farce of maternity leave again with illness and Covid restrictions ruining the whole thing.

My first dc was wrenched from me 9 hours after the Midwife told me 'he'll be here in the next hour'. Failed ventouse and then forceps, it was a teaching hospital so there were something like 12 people in the room. He was then in nicu for jaundice and we were in for 5 days. I felt like an absolute failure. Severe pnd that took me months to get help for, awful awful time.

Second dc was also instrumental and nicu after cord being so tight around his neck plus meconium, AND (now ex) dh went awol for the delivery, but I had zero birth plan or expectations second time. I also had everyone on standby for signs of pnd which didn't materialise.

I think we are so wired to believe baby will be delivered easily and bf will just happen naturally, that we completely forget that it very often just doesn't. I don't know a single mother who had the 'made for tv' birth, postpartum and bf trilogy.

@TreeRoad you are the opposite of a failure- you have had a baby, been very poorly and come through guns blazing- in my book the opposite of what you describe. I think we have such high standards for labour- honestly the only standard that really matters is you grew a baby, it was born (by any means possible) and you are both here to tell the tale and live together. You are a success, don’t be hard on yourself. People harp on about great births.. no one is giving them a medal & honestly what is a birth- it’s an entrance to this world. However it happens. It’s not a walk in the park despite some saying it is- it’s ‘common’ but no birth is ‘normal’. Take time to heal but don’t be hard on yourself xoxo

@PissedOffNeighbour22 your experience sounds unbelievable- I hope you complained to the nhs trust concerned. Wishing you all the best for the upcoming baby xox

I had a similarly bad experience and had really hoped to EBF until my baby wanted to stop but that's not what ended up happening. I found it so hard and felt like a complete failure. I did BF for as long as I could but had to top up with formula all the time and my baby wasn't gaining the weight as feeding was just too taxing. In the end I had to give up breastfeeding and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I still get upset about it now (I have tears as I write this). I want you to know you are not alone but also you did the best thing for your baby. My baby has gone from strength to strength and the formula was a big factor in that. My HV said they now say fed is best and that is so true. You are feeding your baby and giving them exactly what they need. We are so fortunate to live in a country where formula is an option, I feel awful for women who are not as lucky. There is absolutely nothing wrong with formula. We need to stop the breastfeeding shame and guilt. My DH found out he was combination fed when I was struggling as his mother told him but he had no idea, he didn't/doesn't care, it wasn't important, he is perfectly healthy. Out of the few people I know who have had children all have either moved onto formula or had to do combination feeding or go straight to formula, none have been able to EBF. Maybe my circle isn't the norm but I think it is so much more common then people think. You can look up the breastfeeding statistics for the UK and it surprised me how few mothers have EBF babies, whether that be by choice or necessity. You need to process this and move on in your own time. I felt like I'd moved on and then I had some leakage the other day and I cried and felt conflicted again. The roads we travel aren't always a straight line, you might feel better some days and then less others and that's okay. You need to remember that you did what was best for your baby. The most important thing in your baby's life is you. Your baby needs you and no matter how you feed your baby that fact never changes. It's important to feel how you feel but try not to let it consume you. The most important thing you can now is enjoy your baby. Remember, there is nothing to forgive, you have done nothing wrong and you did what was best for your baby. If nothing else, repeat that you did what was best for your baby to yourself whenever you have a wobble. Be kind to yourself.

@sjxoxo It's a huge regret not complaining. We were supposed to be having discussions with various people but they dropped off the face of the earth during Covid. As I was so ill we decided to wait until later (we were told we had 12mths to file the complaint) but due to various personal issues and Covid dragging on, we missed the deadline to complain.

The new baby will be born under a different trust, but it's not looking promising so far as we can't even get an appointment with a midwife. I'm wishing away these final weeks and can't wait for it to all be over.

@PissedOffNeighbour22 can you request an alternative midwife or get a private midwife or doula- even temporarily it might be a help xo

Your feelings are entirely normal, they may fade as baby grows and you concentrate on them or you may need to talk it through with a professional. I’ve had three children and none of their births went quite how I’d like. It is upsetting but over time I’ve come to terms with it.

You aren't alone, I had a very long labour and by the end I was so tired, drugged and out of it, I don't remember LO being born at all. (ventouse) I finally surfaced 7 hours later, not even knowing whether I had a boy or a girl.

My dp had gone home, no memories or photos, no shared moments, I had essentially 'missed' the whole thing. DS is an only child so I will never know what it feels like to give birth.

I was disappointed for a long time, and felt a bit of a fraud. But what matters is ds arrived pink & healthy, and we both came home in one piece.

It's sad you feel the way you do. Will you have another baby?

Hi OP, I’m so sorry to hear how you’re feeling. I had my baby 10 weeks ago and lost 3 litres of blood post labour and then another a week later so was also unable to breastfeed, despite my best efforts. I hired a hospital grade pump and pumped every three hours on top of trying to feed the baby and then bottle feeding and it became a nightmare. It was only until one midwife explained that breast milk is made from blood and when you’ve lost so much of it your body is literally trying to prioritise making up the lost blood to keep you alive - or milk for the baby - that it helped me make my decision to stop trying to increase my supply snd feed her. She’s now a healthy chunky monkey and formula is doing it’s thing. I burst into tears in a cafe after seeing a woman breastfeed a few weeks in- it all felt so raw and I felt unbelievably guilty to not be able to do the same. I’ve made my peace with it now that and have accepted that the circumstances were totally out of my hands. I feel great now and I hope you can make your peace with it too. I think having a birth after thoughts session / debrief would be hugely helpful to you, so contact your hospital about this. You’ve been through a massive trauma and are bound to have some questions that may help you resolve some of these troubling feelings.

@sjxoxo I'm going to keep calling the midwife this week to see if she'll pick up her phone. If not I'll keep pestering the GP as they refuse to book in appointments on the midwife's behalf usually.

I doubt I'll be able to afford to hire anyone privately, unfortunately.

Your birth story is similar to mine.
I was induced 6 weeks ago due to pre-eclampsia. Labour proceeded way quicker than expected and surprised all of the midwives who just werent ready.
I had no IV line in, no monitoring on baby or anything but she arrived ridiciously quickly after an episiotomy when her heart rate dropped.
She was delivered onto my chest for skin to skin but shortly after this complicatiins arose and she was whisked away.
I too haemorrhaged following birth. They decided this was from the episiotomy and began stitching me up and all was well.
Once sutured they monitored my blood pressure for a while and as felt ok, they allowed me to go and shower.
At this point i collapsed.
My blood pressure went through the floor and I was bleeding heavily and to be honest, I dont remember much more.
The crash team were called, I had IV lines put in, copious amounts of fluids given, plasma included. Then my blood pressure returned to a high level and I felt ok.
It wasnt long before it crashed again and this time I was given a blood transfusion.
I wasnt moved from delivery for the majority of the day as they kept calling the crash team.
Eventually after a night in a ward I went home.
Breast feeding i thought went well until baby was weighed at day 5 and lost 8% of her birth weight. I was mortified.
I started topping up with bottles but continued to breastfeed in the hope my milk came in.
Its been a slow process and I cried every day at every feed knowing baby wasnt getting what she should from me. It absolutely destroyed me and midwives and health visitors havent helped, just made me feel worse.

6 weeks on im combination feeding. My milk never fully came in, i have some, but not enough to sustain a growing child just with breastmilk. i breast feed for 30mins to encourage milk production then top up with a bottle. Im sad i cant provide enough myself, its not what i wanted to do but baby is happy and finally growing.
It took alot for me to pick up a bottle because of how desperate I was to EBF but i did it and im glad i did.
As long as baby is happy and healthy i can live with my decision.
I have been recommended a birth debrief, maybe that would help you too?

Thank you so much everyone, for your replies.

It helps a lot to know that lots of other people have had the same sort of feelings when things haven’t gone to plan.

Regarding the debrief, I didn’t have anything like that. It’s something that hospitals do routinely in cases of sudden death, close calls etc. I know the staff who looked after me had one as I heard them arranging a time amongst themselves to do it. They really help, in my experience.

Prior to labour I was relaxed about the whole thing. I’m a medic myself so I know things are likely to stray from plan, so I only really had preferences. I’m surprised that I have given all of this stuff a second thought now.

@FrangipanFlower You lost just a little less blood than I did. I did the same with the pumps and it was useless. My baby was screaming from hunger in hospital and I was told to “keep trying”. Eventually I insisted on formula as he was literally starving in front of my eyes.

@Flutterby8 Mine was caused by an episiotomy too. Similar to you, there was some milk there but never enough to sustain the baby. Mine lost 11% of birth weight, which I was devastated over. It’s been gained back with added extra now though!

You arent alone. I had what most people would consider a dream labour. I went into labour at 34 weeks. It happened so fast I didn't have time to take anything in or have any painkillers. When she arrived she went to nicu for an hour but then came back but I was left feeling just shocked. The next few days were hellish in the hospital as they ran test after test and gave us scare after scare but after 5 days we were given the green light. Bar being tiny she was as fit as a fiddle. But we were left with very little guidance on how to take care of such a tiny baby apart from we should breast feed lots to get rid of her jaundice and help her immune system.

I felt let down by my own body which couldn't keep her safe to full term and couldn't supply the milk she needed to help boost her immune system. When she was a week old I got to the point I couldn't sleep cos I was convinced she was gonna die in her sleep and that everyone else was trying to hurt her. A good sleep and support from loved ones helped me deal with it.

I am still trying to breast feed two weeks later but its a struggle and we are doing a majority formula with a tiny bit of breast. It's all I can do. But what's best for your baby is they grow and flourish. Breast milk in thr long run makes very little difference

You need to speak to

I found the breastfeeding support I received was really poor, too. I just kept being told repeatedly to do plenty of skin to skin, pump, eat and drink, hand express etc - all great advice if you haven’t suffered a massive blood loss. No one seemed to understand the impact this has on supply and ergo no one (midwives, consultants, health visitors, GP) actually gave me any practical advice for my situation. It’s severely lacking and makes women think if they do all the right things then suddenly everything will just magically fall into place. My local La Leche league were supportive but it was up to me to be proactive in seeking them out. There is so much emphasis put on breastfeeding but the support is severely lacking which is why rates are so low.

@FrangipanFlower exactly what you said!!!
I was told to breast feed as much as possible for as long as baby wanted. In the first week this was CONSTANT!
I spent 4 hours one day with baby attached to me and only stopped to wee. This went on until baby was weighed and had only gained 40grams.
I was devastated as I had tried, and cried so bloody hard.
I was told to breastfeed for 30mins per breast, then top up with a bottle. Then pump after the bottle top up for 20mins per breast. Having done this, it was then time to feed baby again. It was continuous.
Another midwife told me to power pump..10mins per side, every hour for 6 hours whilst also feeding as much as possible.
I was told I wasn't looking after myself and wasn't making enough milk as a result. When I pointed out the routine I had been set and that I had zero time for me, I was told to suck it up as my baby was starving.
DH thought I was heading for PND because of the stress.
I had a community midwife who specialised in infant feeding come out who said everything I was doing was fine and I had loads of milk.

It was only when I paid for a private midwife who was also a lactation consultant to come out that I learnt a hell of alot about why I was struggling.
She asked if my breasts changed at all when pregnant, which they didn't. This can indicate that you will struggle to produce milk. Because of the blood loss and post labour urine infection I was immunosuppressed which again impacted milk production. Baby's tongue tie also didn't help as she could get milk easily.

I felt so undersupported by everyone else but spending the money I did was the best thing I had done to learn more and to finally get a tongue tie confirmed and fixed.

@Flutterby8 I’m sorry you had such poor advice too, it’s rubbish that you had to pay for a private lactation specialist. I was on the verge of this but it was all getting too much and my DP was also worried about the impact on my MH. I also had retained products and feel this could have had an impact but everyone I spoke to medically was adamant this wouldn’t matter, yet I found research to the contrary.

I had a similar experience although not as bad. It does feel like your body let yourself down and the bollocks about happy clappy birth made it much worse. However, I had a second child a few years later and the birth was really easy which helped me see it wasn't me, it was just luck of the draw. That and some therapy helped me get past it and, nearly 5 years later, I'd say I'm totally ok with it now. I'm sure you'll get there too in time

Also I found breastfeeding kicked in from the baby being about 3 weeks old, I think it's just related to your body recovering enough so may not be too late if you really want to? Up to you though, honestly I'm not sure it's worth the effort.

@FrangipanFlower

Hi OP, I’m so sorry to hear how you’re feeling. I had my baby 10 weeks ago and lost 3 litres of blood post labour and then another a week later so was also unable to breastfeed, despite my best efforts. I hired a hospital grade pump and pumped every three hours on top of trying to feed the baby and then bottle feeding and it became a nightmare. It was only until one midwife explained that breast milk is made from blood and when you’ve lost so much of it your body is literally trying to prioritise making up the lost blood to keep you alive - or milk for the baby - that it helped me make my decision to stop trying to increase my supply snd feed her. She’s now a healthy chunky monkey and formula is doing it’s thing. I burst into tears in a cafe after seeing a woman breastfeed a few weeks in- it all felt so raw and I felt unbelievably guilty to not be able to do the same. I’ve made my peace with it now that and have accepted that the circumstances were totally out of my hands. I feel great now and I hope you can make your peace with it too. I think having a birth after thoughts session / debrief would be hugely helpful to you, so contact your hospital about this. You’ve been through a massive trauma and are bound to have some questions that may help you resolve some of these troubling feelings.

Wow, this post has made my day. I had an emergency c section and list a lit of blood. DD was a large baby and lost quite a bit of weight. I was kicking myself for not being able to feed her properly (also undiagnosed keep severe posterior tongue tie) but no-one mentioned the fact that blood loss would not help milk production.

@FrangipanFlower you had retained products too?
Not meaning to hijack things but can I ask when this was found and what was done to rectify things?
I had a big bleed about 3 and a bit weeks after birth. Went to triage, they examined me, took a swab and they suggested an urgent scan (which I am still waiting for 2 weeks on). I had antibiotics in the meantime.
The severe bleeding lasted a day and since then it's greatly reduced. I still have occasional cramps.
Just waiting for a scan to confirm.
I too have found evidence that retained products is linked to hormonal disturbance which make your body believe it is still pregnant so milk isn't let down.

@Flutterby8 my placenta got completely stuck and had to be removed manually in theatre which is why I bled so much. A few days later they did an MRI which confirmed there was still a 10cm piece, then I was readmitted with another big bleed and re-scanned. They treated the bleeding with trans-something acid and I had lots of antibiotics too. Amazingly everything dissolved or passed naturally by 6 weeks but it was a bit of an ordeal to get there.