Invasive thoughts about miscarriage and ending my own pregnancy.

[sadpreggo]

Warning: this post might be triggering for some. I'm so sorry. Please don't move this thread out of the pregnancy section - I really need advice from other pregnant mums.

I'm mid thirties, married and financially stable. Finally pregnant after many many years of trying. So really, a much wanted baby. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

In my first trimester I spent most of it waiting to miscarry (again) and wouldn't let myself enjoy it. Even breaking the news to my husband ("I'm pregnant!") he just stood there and said "well, let's not get too excited". I had to agree with the sentiment.

Now I'm in my second trimester and I just feel deflated. I thought I'd be over the moon to actually make it to the second trimester but instead I feel empty. Feel like I used up all the reserves just getting here, you know?

I have been daydreaming about aborting the baby. How it would feel to not be pregnant now. I don't even think I want to but also... I don't know. It's like an invasive thought all the time. I've even planned how I would tell people it was a miscarriage.

Has anyone else ever felt this and will it go away? Please please don't be too harsh with me. I know that what I'm talking about is really really awful.

I'm not even that surprised that I'm having these thoughts. I think a part of me knew I'd be a rotten mum and here I am...

Please can someone reassure me that this phase does happen and it will pass. 😢

they sound like intrusive thoughts from anxiety. I get them frequently and hate them but know what they are and let them just pass through and out my mind. maybe speak to gp if you need any additional support ?

These are intrusive thoughts and they are really more common than people think. Other examples are thinking about harming the baby when they are born, for example thinking about dropping the baby. They are horrible and I’m sorry you have them. There is some information here www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/postnatal-depression-and-perinatal-mental-health/perinatal-ocd/ doesn’t necessarily mean you have this particular diagnosis.

There will be a perinatal mental health team attached to your midwife team/hospital - you can discuss this with your midwife. Acknowledging these thoughts and understanding where they come from can be helped with mental health interventions.

Good luck OP and remember none of this means anything about you or how good a parent you will be x

I had some fairly serious reservations in the first trimester - and I'd been through IVF to get pregnant! It sounds to me like it could be quite combination of anxiety induced intrusive thoughts plus the fact that having a baby is a massive life change. You are not the only one to feel like this I promise! Please reach out to your midwife and ask to be put in touch with your local perinatal mental health team - I haven't spoken with them myself but I hear good things about them across various trusts from here and some of the FB groups I'm in. Please don't suffer in silence OP, there is support out there and you're doing the right thing in starting to talk about it. This will pass 💛

It feels a bit like standing at the top of a tall tower and thinking "I could lob my phone off here just see what would happen".

I ran a really REALLY hot bath today and then let it out without getting in. Don't know what exactly I thought would happen and such a waste of water.

I'm having a lot of trouble getting any face time with my midwife. Selfishly, I feel like this is not helping because between appointments I feel like I'm not really "moving forward". Pregnancy feels quite static sometimes. The appointments help me feel like I have milestones. I know the NHS is under a lot of strain and I shouldn't complain.

I feel somewhat similar - now 18 weeks following 3 first trimester MCs and while I'm not considering a termination I have had intrusive thoughts around not wanting a baby anymore, imagining miscarrying again (not wishing it, but feeling a little relieved by the idea). It's an awful feeling. I think in my case at least it's a coping mechanism - not allowing myself to become too attached this time, preparing for the worst in advance.

There was also an element of acceptance of a childless life - of being the aunt and uncle figures instead, involved with friends and family's children but with more freedom, holidays and dogs. My DH has voiced feeling similar, he's only now starting to talk about "when" rather than "if" we have a baby, as am I. We've both talked about our worries around being shit parents, not being good enough etc.

Pregnancy after loss is strange - there's no naivety to it, you are acutely aware of everything that can go wrong. You don't really dare look beyond the next scan or midwife appointment.

We've decided to find out the sex at the anomaly scan, in the hope it will help us bond better. At the moment I just feel fat rather than pregnant (not feeling movements yet).

Oh @AwkwardPaws27 I'm so sorry that you're feeling it too. But I'm also relieved to not be the only one.
I too had accepted my role as the childless one. Perhaps accepted it a little too enthusiastically. Now I'm not sure how I transition into being a mum. I hate being pregnant.

I've felt a little better since nausea finally tailed off around 14 weeks, although definitely had some very hormonal emotional days. I have been referred by my midwife to the maternal mental health service though as I am still anticipating something going wrong.

I'm really hoping it becomes more real when i can feel movements or we find out the sex.
We've been talking a lot about things we can do with a baby in tow (even just little things, like walking the dog) and trying to ignore the things we can't / the downsides.

Another thing that has helped a bit is that my usual sweet tooth has been replaced with a massive cheese craving, DH loves cheese so I'm gently blaming him. Anything that forces us to talk about it, even a light-hearted comment about "the baby wants cheese", seems to help solidify it a little more.

I've also started following an account on Tiktok where a lady is documenting day to day life with a newborn - she's got a lovely calm way of talking about things and I've found it quite reassuring that, if we do get to bring this baby home, we'll cope.

Not the same situation as you OP, but I'm pregnant after a miscarriage in my first pregnancy. It was horrific as you can imagine. I am now 9 weeks, all going well at scan so far, but can totally appreciate the crazy things previous loss (be that miscarriage, of getting pregnant or both) does to your mind. Prior to my scan, i had been interpreting many things around me, letters on numberplates as one example, as a sign the pregnancy would or wouldn't be successful. I think it was my brains way of trying to perceive control in a very uncertain situation.

It sounds like for you, that the thought of being childless gave you a sense of some certainty in your journey. I know you really want your baby, and maybe even the thought of an abortion in itself gives your mind some sense of agency in the same way, now you are pregnant.

It sounds so hard, hope your midwife can refer your for mental health support if you want that.

This sounds hard and do try and recognise it as intrusive and unwanted thoughts rather than anything more real as it will pass. I used to have (non-pregnancy related) intrusive thoughts and i learnt to recognise them and immediately and consciously switch to a positive thought instead , it took perseverance but eventually becomes a new and better habit. My other suggestion is to check your gut health doesn’t need support as it can have such a direct link to the brain and to causing anxiety, DS’s anxiety used to be crippling at times and after a healthy lower sugar diet with pre and probiotics he’s completely unaffected by it now or very very rarely.
Pregnancy is also an emotional and hormonal time, hang on in there as you will be such a good mum and these are just confusing feelings not necessarily a reality!

I understand and whilst I've never wanted to terminate this pregnancy seriously, I've definitely had fleeting thoughts of "it's going to probably end in loss anyway so why am I going through the torture of loving this baby inside me this long". The second tri I've actually found the hardest. I'm currently 18+4 and I'm still just waiting for it to end. I just can't let myself believe I'll have a living baby at the end of this. I feel like I need to protect myself from the worst outcomes (e.g later miscarriage and stillbirth) By kind of pretending I'm not pregnant.

OP I feel for you so much. I think a LOT of people have similar thoughts to yours - I know with my first pregnancy I wasn't coping and seriously contemplated throwing myself down the stairs. I didn't do it, but the thought was there. Lots and lots of new mums have intrusive thoughts of harming their baby once they are born too. I remember when my daughter was in NICU I had a very tearful phonecall with a MH nurse when I was having similar thoughts to you about my tiny daughter. She said "Have you every cuddled her a bit tighter than you should?" and the answer, of course, was no. "Have you ever been tempted to harm her using any of the equipment around her?". Absolutely not, on the contrary I was petrified of accidentally dislodging her breathing tube or a wire monitoring her heart rate etc. "Have you ever hurt her in any way, shape or form?" and the honest answer was no. I never have, and don't think (deep down) I ever could. I realised from that conversation that intrusive thoughts are just that. They are designed to scare us and the more they infiltrate our thoughts the more scared we become that we might actually act on them. She used the analogy that if she was very religious, which she isn't, she would be scared of going to Hell and that would keep her from doing bad things. But, she doesn't do bad things because she knows the difference between right and wrong. What I'm getting at here is although you ran that bath of hot water, although these fantasies play out in your mind, you haven't acted on them because there is something deep inside you stopping you frorm harming your baby. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, although it's entirely possible you're suffering from a form of prenatal depression. It doesn't mean you're a bad mum or will be once your baby is born. It doesn't mean you won't bond with your baby. It doesn't even necessarily mean you'll have post-natal depression once baby arrives. It means nothing - intrusive thoughts are very, very scary and upsetting, and sometimes they make us genuinely believe we will act on them but the vast, VAST majority of people don't act on intrusive thoughts.

Please consider telling somebody about them just to get it out and share this weight on your mind! If you can't talk to somebody who knows you like your GP or midwife then you can call Samaritans on 116 123, 24 hours a day and it's free to call. You don't have to be suicidal to call.

Chin up, I don't doubt things will work out for you and you'll be a brilliant mum (secret: no mum has ALL their shit together. We're all just winging it and hoping for the best). Help and support is out there for this exact reason and it's absolutely fine to utilise it!

Take care of yourself. This WILL get better.

Missnicolinda96 you might find it helpful and comforting to look at a lady on You Tube called Nourish with Melanie as she has so many helpful videos on pregnancy you might find reassuring. I’ve learnt a lot from several and in my case had been slightly anxious about autism in the family as seen how much harder it can make being happy at school Etc (I know not always) but she has lots of positive info on nutrients and dietary help to lessen the risk of miscarriage too . It must feel really hard worrying it could happen and it might help you feel more positive .
Since watching them I’ve added choline supplements to my diet for example, am being watchful I take vitamin D and eating more fish etc and i find it really positive to be able to do some positive things as it amazes me how helpful micronutrients can be

I think as well, when you've had difficulties getting pregnant, you lose sight of the end goal: motherhood. The aim becomes to 'just' get pregnant. Then once you do, the goal shifts to motherhood, which (stupid as it sounds) hadn't dawned on you in awhile. Or at least, that's sort of how it felt for me. Once I got pregnant, it was like, 'wait, do I even want to be a parent???' And then guilt for feeling like that...

But that has (mostly) passed now that I have two kiddos. The first after infertility and ivf. The second (8 months) was unplanned.

It's anxiety. Because let's face it, it's a big change to have a kid. And if you do end up regretting having a kid, it's not like there's some way to change it.

Hi, I just wanted to share my story in case it offers some reassurance. It took me 8 agonysing years to get pregnant and 5 ivf attempts. I just thought that if, one day, I will get pregnant I will literally be the happiest person on this planet. Instead, I developed the worst anxiety I have ever experienced, panic attacks and absolutely awful intrusive thoughts. It got so bad that I needes to seek medical help. My midwife was just awful, and completely dismissed my concerns on the basis that all pregnant women get anxious at some stage. Thankfully, I do have private medial insurance and amaned to see a psychiatrist. He did explain to me that the anxiety is because I am out of control. The intrusive thoughts attack what is the most precious to me as my brain is in overdrive and cannot cope. He said, he is not surprised that I having them given my journey. He did prescribe me a drug called quetalpine (small dose) so that I could sleep at night but so far I have not taken it as I am worried about harming the baby (he did say it is safe). I do have it and will use it when things go out of control again. I am almost 27 weeks and pretty much every single day is a struggle. I wish it wasn’t but I can’t change it. For me it is all about surviving until the baby is born. I do hope that once he is born, all those issues will disappear.

I am not sure if the above is of any help, but I thought it may offer some reassurance to know that you are not the only one xx

I just wanted to add that whilst my intrusive thoughts were never as bad as yours, they were pretty scary.

OP you aren't alone with not feeling how you thought you would/should.

I had 6 MC in previous 4 years so my first trimester everyone (including midwife) was 'well if it sticks'. I also had really bad nausea and anemia that took a long time to get diagnosed so I was just focused on how awful I felt. I definitely thought a few times how at least if I miscarried I'd stop feeling so bad.

Now I'm in second trimester and at my 12 scan felt nothing. Midwife even said 'looks like this one is staying' and finally feel like I'm being treated as a pregnant person (rather than them waiting for me to MC).

Without my bad pregnancy symptoms I'm just a bit empty. Not excited, not thinking of ending things but definitely finding I'm only thinking of the future obstacles rather than fun bits.

I figured this is just my pregnancy, not everyone enjoys it! (I've already told people I hate being pregnant and people look at me like I'm going to be a terrible mother which is nonsense!)

Definitely reach out to your midwife but know your not alone (and that you don't have to enjoy pregnancy to be a good mother, it is not the same!!)

OP I’m so sorry to hear what you are experiencing. My advice would be if you are actually doing things that are harmful to yourself or the baby (like running a super hot bath to get into), I would get some professional help ASAP. Forget the midwife go through GP or private counselling.

I agree it’s your anxiety and your past trauma, intrusive thoughts tend to be about things that are important you to, it’s like your brain doing a safety check. I used to get thoughts like me throwing my baby down the stairs and I would instantly react protectively towards my baby as a result. I was never at the point of acting any of it out though which is why I think you should seek help ASAP.

Good luck, I really hope this resolves for you x

I did feel like this when I fell unexpectedly pregnant with my third. I honestly have never felt so depressed in my life and I felt so awful the whole way through. Right up to the day before I gave birth, I really didn't want another baby and I felt like I didn't care. However for some reason I loved my baby instantly after I gave birth and I couldn't understand why I'd felt so bad.
I hope you start feeling better soon op.

@sadpreggo you are in a very difficult place, but these feelings do not define how your experience of parenting will be. Most midwives will have had other clients who have had similar feelings. I suspect though that many people are not brave enough to really share what they are feeling. You have taken a massive first step by sharing with us.
Previous posters have mentioned the perinatal mental health teams. They would be very helpful for you. Don’t wait to see your usual midwife at a routine appointment. You can just ring the hospital and ask if they have the number for the perinatal mental health team, or it may be on the hospital website. Otherwise ring the antenatal clinic and ask them. If you still can’t find them, message me & I’ll see what I can find.

OP please seek some medical advice. It could be antenatal depression or anxiety, you should seek support now so it doesn’t hopefully continue into postnatal. Know that these are unwanted intrusive thoughts and you’re not a rotten mother. You just need support. Please don’t ignore it as this could get worse, and potentially you could act on them and do yourself & baby real harm e.g if you did get in the boiling hot bath.

Get yourself an emergency GP appointment.

Wishing you lots of love

Go easy on yourself - I really think this sounds like trauma. Please speak to your midwife about how you are feeling, there is help out there - like CBT for example

Thanks everyone. It feels like all the shit stuff will go away if I just lost the baby. I've been fantasising about throwing myself down the stairs. Imagining my husband finding me at the bottom. I realise this is an awful way to think but it's definitely uncontrollable. Rang GP when they opened but no appointments for today other than if it's urgent. I think I might try the Samaritans in the mean time.

Thanks so much to you all for listening. ❤️ Think I must be quite unwell - not a normal "phase" it seems.

Most of my self-termination "fantasies" seem to focus on high drama stuff like bleeding out in the bath or at the bottom of the stairs. No getting on with it quietly. I could write for Hollyoaks.

Anyway, perhaps it's a good sign that it's all so silly and soap opera-ey. Nothing I would actually do.

Or maybe it just makes me even more crazy...

You are fearful you’ll lose the baby and thus thinking you’ll save yourself the pain /anguish and end the pregnancy yourself perhaps….I’ve no idea, but definitely not normal. Contact your G.P again.
It IS urgent you’ll feel better when you have the appropriate support.

@sadpreggo

Thanks everyone. It feels like all the shit stuff will go away if I just lost the baby. I've been fantasising about throwing myself down the stairs. Imagining my husband finding me at the bottom. I realise this is an awful way to think but it's definitely uncontrollable. Rang GP when they opened but no appointments for today other than if it's urgent. I think I might try the Samaritans in the mean time.

Thanks so much to you all for listening. ❤️ Think I must be quite unwell - not a normal "phase" it seems.

@sadpreggo. It is urgent. Honestly. You are in a dark place but there is help out there and you deserve to receive it. Does you partner know just how bad things are for you right now?