Invasive thoughts about miscarriage and ending my own pregnancy.

[sadpreggo]

Warning: this post might be triggering for some. I'm so sorry. Please don't move this thread out of the pregnancy section - I really need advice from other pregnant mums.

I'm mid thirties, married and financially stable. Finally pregnant after many many years of trying. So really, a much wanted baby. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

In my first trimester I spent most of it waiting to miscarry (again) and wouldn't let myself enjoy it. Even breaking the news to my husband ("I'm pregnant!") he just stood there and said "well, let's not get too excited". I had to agree with the sentiment.

Now I'm in my second trimester and I just feel deflated. I thought I'd be over the moon to actually make it to the second trimester but instead I feel empty. Feel like I used up all the reserves just getting here, you know?

I have been daydreaming about aborting the baby. How it would feel to not be pregnant now. I don't even think I want to but also... I don't know. It's like an invasive thought all the time. I've even planned how I would tell people it was a miscarriage.

Has anyone else ever felt this and will it go away? Please please don't be too harsh with me. I know that what I'm talking about is really really awful.

I'm not even that surprised that I'm having these thoughts. I think a part of me knew I'd be a rotten mum and here I am...

Please can someone reassure me that this phase does happen and it will pass. 😢

I'm also someone who has experienced something similar. It took me 7 years, 4 IVF cycles and multiple losses to get pregnant and found that once you reach that 'dream' your mind finds it really difficult to embrace a new reality. I have to imagine loss because I have this weird idea that once I imagine it it is less likely to happen or at least I have been prepared for when it happens. But I have always have suffered from intrusive thoughts and I have learned to separate them from what I really feel and think. I really agree with everyone that you need to get some help and I have called the Samaritans before- they were unbelievably helpful. I hate myself for saying this but I found certain aspects of mindfulness quite helpful. Not the focus on being in the moment stuff (that's really hard if you're pregnant and anxious) but seeing 'dark' thoughts as alien to yourself and just passing through your mind. You don't need to engage with them (don't focus and extend the situations of loss you think of) and certainly not do anything in terms of enacting them (no bath filling). I would just always say to myself: this is not a helpful thought- I'm not thinking about this. Then find lots of distraction. I watched so much stuff on Netflix and such in the first trimester (which was absolutely horrific) and it really helped. It takes a while to practice but it is possible to have the thoughts but not really feel anything about them and just watch them dissappear again. I really hope you feel better soon xx

I haven't felt what you're feeling exactly, but I have had and still get the occasional intrusive thought about my kids, really disturbing and upsetting stuff, but I have learnt to just let them come, let them (or even actually make them) get really horrible/horrific/distressing, then they just go and don't tend to come back for a while.

If I get in control of it, it just quickly passes. Then I can get on with my day. They tend to happen a lot less if I force them to be as bad as they can be, as that way I am almost in complete control of them.

Try booking GP again tomorrow, if there’s nothing available tell them it’s urgent.

It is urgent, you are getting really strong intrusive thoughts.