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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Why people feel the need to ask if it was a planned pregnancy

64 replies

caz198917 · 14/12/2021 13:05

Just as the title says really.

Baby number 2, son is 4. Married and have our own home.

I've had at least 4 people ask me if the baby was planned. I think it's so rude, I just don't understand why people would ask?

Oh and I'm 32 by the way so not exactly a teenager lol!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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BiscuitLover3679 · 14/12/2021 14:12

It's definitely just nosiness!! I'm always curious but manage to shut my mouth and not ask.

Dextersmumhasgotitgoingon · 14/12/2021 14:15

I've luckily only had 1 person ask if our baby was planned but I'm now 37 weeks now and keep getting asked if I'm scared about the birth. Why?! How would that help if I was and if I'm not, what, do I get a medal? Is get asking if someone was excited about the birth, then I'd I were scared I could say that myself but to ask someone if they're scared of one of the most pivotal and unavoidable things coming up in the near future is so dumb!

ForkedIt · 14/12/2021 14:18

My manager asked me!!
It was a massive company with shit hot HR so it wasn’t her trying to out me from my position or anything but it was so awkward.
‘Yes it was planned because I wanted to take advantage of the company’s excellent maternity package. See you in a year after my full pay.’
‘No, I fucked up my contraception and you’re the person I want to talk to about it.’

If someone is telling you they are pregnant (and it’s not your best friend/ sister / teenage child) then it’s good news.

RosieLemonade · 14/12/2021 14:27

@ginghamstarfish

I would never ask anyone that, but i might be thinking 'why would you want to have a baby during a pandemic', given the discussion re vaccination during pregnancy.

We did wait over a year and thing looked much better? Plus the age gap with DD keeps getting bigger!

Maybepossibly22 · 14/12/2021 18:25

Eurgh yes, I had this at my blood test today!
Is it your first? No, second
How old is first? 20 months
Oh, you’re brave - did you plan to have them close together? No actually, but we’re happy about it

Chely · 14/12/2021 18:54

Everyone asked us this with our last, yes she was and maybe we are a bit mad having 6.

Kbyodjs · 14/12/2021 18:55

I find it so weird and always want to say no just to see how they react.

twomumsonebump · 14/12/2021 19:15

I've had this! I'm a lesbian so I thought it was pretty obvious...

WithMyEncyclopedia · 14/12/2021 20:44

@Maybepossibly22

Eurgh yes, I had this at my blood test today! Is it your first? No, second How old is first? 20 months Oh, you’re brave - did you plan to have them close together? No actually, but we’re happy about it

Ha yeah, like you pick a date in the calendar and that's the date you definitely get pregnant!

Tolo210 · 14/12/2021 23:06

THIS!!! I’m 21, engaged and own my own home. The amount of people I’ve had ask me this is unbelievable, I just thought it was maybe because of how young I am. Maybe you just look really young

Aranciata · 14/12/2021 23:18

I find it so rude.
I've been asked by work colleagues and family members and just said I'm very happy about the pregnancy. Which I am, and it was via IVF so not an accident, but not any of their business either.
Also had a few 'how long were you trying?' type questions from people we're not close to.

I don't really care if people who ask intrusive questions say they don't mean to be rude, there is no need to say anything other than congratulations, lovely news or similar.

Sadcatsandcoffee · 15/12/2021 12:13

@Branleuse

so they know whether to do exuberant congratulations or supportive and sympathetic. Not everyone is delighted to be pregnant. I dont think its rude, unless they went on about it. You could just reply "yes im thrilled" if youre happy and then its all fine.

This is a good point but I do think most people can tell by context clues if someone is happy about their pregnancy or not. Also, people may still be happy about unplanned pregnancies!

After I had a miscarriage, I had a close friend ask if the pregnancy was an accident. I assume because we weren't married yet? I found it really hurtful as we'd been trying for quite a while and I was still grieving, but I didn't hold it against her as I think people struggle to know what to say in situations like these and don't think before they speak.

Another close friend told me "at least you know you can get pregnant", and later apologised to me as she'd had three miscarriages and found it really unhelpful and minimising when people said that to her. She just panicked in the moment and said it.

TurnUpTurnip · 15/12/2021 12:14

I find being asked if they have the same dad worse 😐

Sadcatsandcoffee · 15/12/2021 12:15

@Heruka

I agree, what are people thinking. My husband told a family friend and was asked ‘and are you the father’

WOW

CoalCraft · 15/12/2021 12:20

I agree it's rude to ask if a pregnancy was planned but don't see what's wrong with asking if it's a boy or girl, what the due date is, how they're feeling, etc. It's polite to take an interest, surely?

Sadcatsandcoffee · 15/12/2021 12:21

@ginghamstarfish

I would never ask anyone that, but i might be thinking 'why would you want to have a baby during a pandemic', given the discussion re vaccination during pregnancy.

I really dislike this line of thinking. This pandemic has been going on for two years. Some of us aren't getting any younger. My dad has cancer and I'd like him to meet his grandchild. My sister was already trying before the pandemic, it took her three years. Should she have stopped trying?

You don't know what's going on in people's lives and should maybe stop with the silent judgement.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 15/12/2021 12:24

I always assume that anything more than baby number 2 or 3 is unplanned but would never ask.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 15/12/2021 14:10

If I was a member of the Mr Men I would be “Little Miss Planner”.

Dh and I married young. We were always very open about wanting children but also wanting to wait until we were late 20s. I was also fairly open about how I thought that particular months were the best months to have a baby.

Eventually - after many years of marriage and planning - we started trying for a baby and got pregnant pretty quickly.

And so - lo and behold - having spent a decade saying how I effectively wanted to have a baby in (say) October 2027 I announced I was pregnant. Baby due early November 2027. (It seems even I can’t plan these things to the day!) “Was it planned?” people say.

Seriously!?!

Ozanj · 15/12/2021 14:12

You might look older or they might have assumed you’d have a second earlier if you’ really’ wanted one - basically they’re foisting their preconceptions on you. I would just ignore the question and change the subject

Harlequin1088 · 15/12/2021 14:18

I'm pregnant with my first and 23 weeks in, I can't tell you how often I've been asked this.

I find it so intrusive and rude.

I've now just started holding my hand up when people ask that and saying, "Please don't ask a pregnant woman that. It's really impolite".

Shuts the fuckers right down. I don't care if I look rude now lol

Hereagainnewlogin · 15/12/2021 14:20

That's pretty rude really. Can't get my head around why people would ask that!

MarmaladeToastAndAMarmaladeCat · 15/12/2021 19:13

It is so rude and intrusive. I just can’t imagine having the balls to ask someone if their baby was planned .

I didn’t get it so much with my first, I was recently married, 30, had bought a house the year before so I think people just assumed he was planned.

With my second I had a (planned!) 18 month age gap. Tbh I didn’t expect to get pregnant the first month of trying but never mind I was happy. SO many people seemed to think it was ok to ask me if it was planned. It felt so intrusive and embarrassing I hated it.

Now pregnant with my 3rd and I think a lot of people assumed we were stopping at 2 so I’ve had the was it planned questions all over again! Yes it was bloody planned but seriously is that anyone’s business?

CrispAndFrosty · 15/12/2021 19:42

@Heruka

I agree, what are people thinking. My husband told a family friend and was asked ‘and are you the father’

It's rude, agreed. It puts the pregnant woman in an awkward position. I don't buy the idea that it helps the questioner calibrate their reaction. As a rule of thumb, a pregnancy should be congratulated. If someone actually confides in you that they aren't thrilled about the pregnancy, then that's a whole other conversation.

CrispAndFrosty · 15/12/2021 19:43

It's also a bit negative! Kind of rains on the parade.

Fleur405 · 15/12/2021 19:58

I think it’s unbelievably rude. When I spoke to my boss he arranged a call with HR and the HR woman (who I’d never met) said “are you happy about it”… just such a strange thing to ask a stranger. If I wasn’t happy isn’t that likely to be because of some kind of private personal issue that I don’t want to discuss with colleagues (like my sex life, fertility and contraceptive usage!)?!

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