The Dad's response to your pregnancy

[Ceilia]

Hi all, I'm just curious to know what was everyone's partner's response to when you said you were pregnant?

How was his reaction when you found out you were pregnant and if negative, did it ever change once baby was in his arms or when the pregnancy progressed?

My Husband is struggling to come to terms with it, he's happy some days then low the next. We have our first checkup next week so still early days. Feel like I am on my own a bit with this and hoping he will change.

Were you trying for a baby or was it a bit of a surprise? For us we had been trying for a few months and he was just as disappointed as me whenever we got a negative test. When I got the positive one we had similar reactions, both happy and excited but nervous for the first few weeks and trying to be realistic in case anything went wrong.

Do you know why he is feeling low and struggling to come to terms with it? Eg is it money worries, or he's changed his mind etc? It might be helpful to speak to him and understand a bit more what his concerns are.

Our first pregnancy was VERY much unplanned, it was a real shock. We fell pregnant when I was 22 and my partner 25. Had been together for 4 years, however, were not expecting to have a baby together at that age plus my partner was in the process of accepting a new job. My partner took a while to understand what was happening and after we had a lovely chat with his parents (who were DELIGHTED) we knew how much we wanted it. I think the fear of not knowing what to do, what happens to the future and being young was my partners natural first reaction. Our son is now 18 months and we can't imagine our life any other way, it is magical.

Looking back after the first midwife appointment, first scan and first baby clothing purchase it's all we spoke about. Then at the birth the excitement is overwhelming and the love you have for another grows.

We are now pregnant with baby two (due in May) and that was planned. The reaction to the pregnancy tests were very different and lovely as we were prepared and ready for it.

I would give your partner some space but also encourage him to chat about his feelings. You're in this together at the end of the day and need each other How many weeks are you? Big hugs x

@ButFirstTea

Were you trying for a baby or was it a bit of a surprise? For us we had been trying for a few months and he was just as disappointed as me whenever we got a negative test. When I got the positive one we had similar reactions, both happy and excited but nervous for the first few weeks and trying to be realistic in case anything went wrong.

Do you know why he is feeling low and struggling to come to terms with it? Eg is it money worries, or he's changed his mind etc? It might be helpful to speak to him and understand a bit more what his concerns are.

We decided to try towards end of the year and it happened for us very quickly ... perhaps too quickly than we thought. I was told it would take me longer to get pregnant so we thought we would see what happens... low and behold.

I've tried having the conversation with him and he shuts down. Just says he thought he would be happier about it than he feels. I tried to explain to him his feels are normal and it's like in the movies. He the has proceeded to say he 'doesn't know how he feels' how on earth can I work with that?

It's to a point we are in the supermarket and I'm looking at a couple of baby things and he goes 'urgh'. I think it's to wind me up most times but it's starting to make me resentful of him and the way he is being towards this whole situation.

However ... he won't let me have a sip of alcohol (understandable I'd never touch it!! But he goes to lengths to make sure I don't really even smell his beer) he is very up and down....!

We have about first scan/ check up coming up soon to make sure everything is ok. He said he wouldn't miss it and wants to be 'involved' he said he's going to say to the midwife how he is feeling about it and ask if his feelings are normal. I'm worried if they will have concerns because of the way he is being.

@babyboybluex

Our first pregnancy was VERY much unplanned, it was a real shock. We fell pregnant when I was 22 and my partner 25. Had been together for 4 years, however, were not expecting to have a baby together at that age plus my partner was in the process of accepting a new job. My partner took a while to understand what was happening and after we had a lovely chat with his parents (who were DELIGHTED) we knew how much we wanted it. I think the fear of not knowing what to do, what happens to the future and being young was my partners natural first reaction. Our son is now 18 months and we can't imagine our life any other way, it is magical.

Looking back after the first midwife appointment, first scan and first baby clothing purchase it's all we spoke about. Then at the birth the excitement is overwhelming and the love you have for another grows.

We are now pregnant with baby two (due in May) and that was planned. The reaction to the pregnancy tests were very different and lovely as we were prepared and ready for it.

I would give your partner some space but also encourage him to chat about his feelings. You're in this together at the end of the day and need each other How many weeks are you? Big hugs x

Thank you so much for your response and congrats on your pregnancy. Glad it worked out for you! Xx

My husband doesn't have family his side, just friends so unfortunately he is only able to talk to (very few) close friends and we haven't been able to tell anyone yet due to now even having a first appointment to check all is well and also because of the way he is being. It's just been between us at the moment.

It almost is making me feel I can't be excited because I'm having to wait for him to come 'around' and it's affecting me having to restrain myself. We have known for 4 weeks now and his reaction hasn't really changed (I'm 7 weeks I think) I just thought after we had been together so long he really would be more supportive and at least know what he would want with me.

My husband reacted very negatively when pregnant with our first baby (despite her being very much planned)..when I told him he was silent and I said are you ok and he said ‘what do you want me to say’...I felt like he kind of ruined the pregnancy as whenever I was excited he would drag the mood down. He was disappointed we were having a girl too when we found out...he couldn’t help how he felt but it made me resent him massively and feel very alone!

BUT ...from the moment she was born it was like he’d had a personality transplant ...I was honestly debating leaving him but he fell in love with her and he has been so hands on ever since. This pregnancy he is much better! I think he got overwhelmed and for men it’s different...they don’t really get it until baby arrives whereas we have months bonding with the bump. Just try and ignore it and get excited with your friends and family ..maybe suggest he speak to a therapist to work through his feelings as I know how awful it can feel?

@Sab8768

My husband reacted very negatively when pregnant with our first baby (despite her being very much planned)..when I told him he was silent and I said are you ok and he said ‘what do you want me to say’...I felt like he kind of ruined the pregnancy as whenever I was excited he would drag the mood down. He was disappointed we were having a girl too when we found out...he couldn’t help how he felt but it made me resent him massively and feel very alone!

BUT ...from the moment she was born it was like he’d had a personality transplant ...I was honestly debating leaving him but he fell in love with her and he has been so hands on ever since. This pregnancy he is much better! I think he got overwhelmed and for men it’s different...they don’t really get it until baby arrives whereas we have months bonding with the bump. Just try and ignore it and get excited with your friends and family ..maybe suggest he speak to a therapist to work through his feelings as I know how awful it can feel?

Thank you so much this is exactly my situation. Can't say how reassuring this is for me.

I am glad it worked out for you- it's just the resentment I'm worried about. I have a feeling I'm carrying a girl also (my intuition is already right) and he's very much into his sports so I hope that doesn't affect anything .... He is very very slowly coming around.

I don’t usually post a lot but had to reply to this as I’ve experienced something very similar and wanted to (hopefully) reassure you.

Our pregnancy was completely unexpected - we literally did it once unprotected, I am still amazed we conceived! We didn’t find out until I was 8 weeks as well so it was a lot to take in.

My husband was in massive shock at first and didn’t say anything that evening but did say later he might not have wanted to keep it if he felt there had been more choice (I said straight away I couldn’t not have the baby). Obviously that was a lot to take in.

It took quite a while to see any emotion or interest in the baby from him - he also made some little comments that were hurtful at times. As we were in such different places; I was quickly bonding with the baby inside me and he was still very much in denial at what was happening, so what was a joke to him was just hurtful to me. I spoke to him about this and he did stop.

Like another poster, when we found out it was a girl he was disappointed - he’d said before that he really wanted a boy. His reaction to finding out the gender was pretty much zero - just didn’t really say anything, which again was hurtful.

We’re now at 25 weeks and he is getting better. I’ve had a difficult pregnancy, lots of exhaustion and currently signed off work from an viral infection that won’t go away. He’s taken really good care of me and always tells me off if I don’t take care of myself like I should - he told me off the other day for not telling him about my tyre pressure light coming on because I’m driving ‘two people’ round now. So he is showing a lot of signs of feeling protective but I just don’t think he’s quite there in feeling a connection to her yet. He has no interest in buying things or discussing names yet but I’m just being patient and remembering that it’s a huge life change that he clearly wasn’t ready for! I think it can be hard for men as they don’t physically feel any changes like we do so it perhaps doesn’t feel as real.

I do have a lot of faith that he’ll be very different once the baby arrives and it all becomes real. Hopefully you can see that will happen with your partner too. Good luck and all I can say is my biggest advice is be patient with him and hopefully he’ll improve as time goes on. I think it’s a great sign he wants to speak to the midwife as it shows he does care and is probably wishing he was more excited.

Our baby was planned but like you happened a lot quicker than we expected. We were also advised it would likely take a while so we're just seeing what happened so to speak and fell pregnant within the first month.

When I told him he didn't believe me initially. Then the shock and panic and fear set in and to start with he was out at every chance to avoid talking about it. I totally understood as was feeling terrified myself too. I have him a but of space and as time progressed he got used to the idea and it became a bit easier to deal with and we could talk about it and he started stepping up. He was terrified the whole way through though and very stressed.

Our baby is now 6 days old and I really enjoy watching him with her. He's so in love with her and hands on.

@FindTheSilverLining

I don’t usually post a lot but had to reply to this as I’ve experienced something very similar and wanted to (hopefully) reassure you.

Our pregnancy was completely unexpected - we literally did it once unprotected, I am still amazed we conceived! We didn’t find out until I was 8 weeks as well so it was a lot to take in.

My husband was in massive shock at first and didn’t say anything that evening but did say later he might not have wanted to keep it if he felt there had been more choice (I said straight away I couldn’t not have the baby). Obviously that was a lot to take in.

It took quite a while to see any emotion or interest in the baby from him - he also made some little comments that were hurtful at times. As we were in such different places; I was quickly bonding with the baby inside me and he was still very much in denial at what was happening, so what was a joke to him was just hurtful to me. I spoke to him about this and he did stop.

Like another poster, when we found out it was a girl he was disappointed - he’d said before that he really wanted a boy. His reaction to finding out the gender was pretty much zero - just didn’t really say anything, which again was hurtful.

We’re now at 25 weeks and he is getting better. I’ve had a difficult pregnancy, lots of exhaustion and currently signed off work from an viral infection that won’t go away. He’s taken really good care of me and always tells me off if I don’t take care of myself like I should - he told me off the other day for not telling him about my tyre pressure light coming on because I’m driving ‘two people’ round now. So he is showing a lot of signs of feeling protective but I just don’t think he’s quite there in feeling a connection to her yet. He has no interest in buying things or discussing names yet but I’m just being patient and remembering that it’s a huge life change that he clearly wasn’t ready for! I think it can be hard for men as they don’t physically feel any changes like we do so it perhaps doesn’t feel as real.

I do have a lot of faith that he’ll be very different once the baby arrives and it all becomes real. Hopefully you can see that will happen with your partner too. Good luck and all I can say is my biggest advice is be patient with him and hopefully he’ll improve as time goes on. I think it’s a great sign he wants to speak to the midwife as it shows he does care and is probably wishing he was more excited.

I am so sorry to hear all that. It sounds just like my husband. I am glad it's slowly getting better for you

He was quiet the first night I told him and didn't speak to me until the next day. His reaction to finding out was complete opposite to mine. He is slowly coming around but refuses to talk about it. He doesn't want to even watch adverts with babies on them (but I find him staring)

He still needs to step up and I'm not seeing that yet from him. I'm absolutely heartbroken he is still 'not sure'. I'm not even allowed to look at anything in the shops that involve babies. I've said to him im not getting the size of a house and being expected to lumber heavy boxes everywhere as we need to start buying beds soon! I DREAD to have that conversation with him. He mentioned to me the other day he can't change any nappies. I feel so alone and depressed I'm not allowed to enjoy this because of the way he feels

@Taenia

Our baby was planned but like you happened a lot quicker than we expected. We were also advised it would likely take a while so we're just seeing what happened so to speak and fell pregnant within the first month.

When I told him he didn't believe me initially. Then the shock and panic and fear set in and to start with he was out at every chance to avoid talking about it. I totally understood as was feeling terrified myself too. I have him a but of space and as time progressed he got used to the idea and it became a bit easier to deal with and we could talk about it and he started stepping up. He was terrified the whole way through though and very stressed.

Our baby is now 6 days old and I really enjoy watching him with her. He's so in love with her and hands on.

Congrats on your baby! I am glad it's worked out for you and thanks for sharing your experience. This has helped so much getting other peoples perspectives

We got pregnant very very quickly also which I think didn't helped with the shock like others have said. My husband said to me: 'I didn't think it would happen so quick'

My husband was very excited- hugged me and we smiled together whilst holding the piss stick (FRER). We got pregnant our first cycle and she was very much planned. However we'd been married 6 weeks when I got my BFP so it was very quick. People did comment "very fast, you didn't waste any time". He was happy it happened but was honest that it happened sooner than we thought (I'm 35) and it's very stressful buying a house etc. I'm 19 weeks so it's all to go for.

Good luck x

@wannabeamummysobad

My husband was very excited- hugged me and we smiled together whilst holding the piss stick (FRER). We got pregnant our first cycle and she was very much planned. However we'd been married 6 weeks when I got my BFP so it was very quick. People did comment "very fast, you didn't waste any time". He was happy it happened but was honest that it happened sooner than we thought (I'm 35) and it's very stressful buying a house etc. I'm 19 weeks so it's all to go for.

Good luck x

Lucky you x

I handed my husband two easy@home tests which he thought were covid tests 😂 but once he realised they were positive pregnancy tests, he was happy.

Like you, this happy very quickly for us (first month trying properly, second cycle not trying but trying) and we had geared ourselves up that it may take up to a year, so we were both quite shocked.

I think at first there was a bit of worry and realisation that our lives will change. Main concerns are how we are going to navigate both fitting time in for the gym, we were also in the process of selling our flat, so had lots going on.

We only found out 3 weeks ago but we’re both quite excited now. Also very impatient and wish time went by more quickly.

Have you asked your partner what his main concerns are?

DH's first words were "Do we have to keep it?" It still stings years later even though he is a dedicated and great dad who has given me and DD a life beyond our wildest dreams. Like PP we didn't find out till very late (Hand on heart I can't say I would have kept her if I found out earlier), we were both students, we both lived with our parents, didn't have a pot to piss in. But we are all happy and thriving with baby number 2 who was actually tried for which feels very novel.

If you don't mind me asking how old are you both @Ceilia ? I'm sure your husband will come around but if you married young or are the first of your friends to have kids it might be more of a shock.

Try not to let this (negatively) impact your pregnancy x

@Ceilia I also meant to mention that I think some of the reason my husband had such a negative reaction was because he had a terrible childhood...I think despite wanting children the reality brought back a lot of memories / worries for him in terms of not wanting to repeat history. I later found out the reason he didn’t want a girl as our first child was because his older sister bullied him horrifically and was violent so something about there being a ‘big sister’ worried him.

It might not be the same for your partner but you mentioned he doesn’t have family on his side so made me wonder. Best of luck and try not to let it spoil your excitement too much...I know easier said than done as it really really upset me!

I was about to ask what your partner's childhood was like @Ceilia
Sometimes pregnancy can trigger difficult emotions about the way you were parented.

[quote Sab8768]@Ceilia I also meant to mention that I think some of the reason my husband had such a negative reaction was because he had a terrible childhood...I think despite wanting children the reality brought back a lot of memories / worries for him in terms of not wanting to repeat history. I later found out the reason he didn’t want a girl as our first child was because his older sister bullied him horrifically and was violent so something about there being a ‘big sister’ worried him.

It might not be the same for your partner but you mentioned he doesn’t have family on his side so made me wonder. Best of luck and try not to let it spoil your excitement too much...I know easier said than done as it really really upset me![/quote]
Thank you- it's upsetting me also. Almost feel it's a bit selfish but then he can't control how he feels... even if it is with the woman he supposedly 'loves'. He has no childhood trauma as much as I know. It could be to do with his family but he can't express his emotions very well. I try to ask him and he just says he 'doesn't know how he feels' I'm currently sat in limbo waiting for him to make his mind up. I said to him if you really feel you can't go through with this PLEASE let me know. He hasn't said that once. He just said he likes to know there are 'options'

I had bleeding quite badly at the beginning of my pregnancy (after I found out I was pregnant) and I honestly thought I had lost it. I told my husband as I was worried and his face fell with worry encase I'd lost it.

Very similar story to @Sab8768, DH was very quiet when told and largely detached from the pregnancy. It was a bit of a worry but I had hope he would change. He wasn't interested in buying baby stuff, and I had to strongarm him into painting the nursery.

He was an unexpectedly great birth partner and when DD came out- I'll never forget his face. The love that was there from the moment he saw her.

They are now cuddled up together watching Tinkerbell and I've had to have stern words about him not bringing her a present home every time he gets in from work 🙄. I do think in hindsight his lack of engagement was driven by fear and his father walked out on him as a small child which might have been a contributory factor.

I'm pregnant with our second and it was very much planned and wanted but like with you it was very quick and my husband was in shock. Once it got to about 13ish weeks I think, he just naturally became increasingly excited and involved. I'm 25 weeks now and he is just perfect, rubbing my bump and saying how he can't wait to meet the baby etc. 7 weeks is still really early. Sometimes men just need time

My first pregnancy was planned. We'd been trying nearly two years. Lived together 3.
I found out one Saturday afternoon and told him. He seemed happy.
I then went to visit a friend and stayed overnight.
I returned home the next morning and he'd gone. Taken all his stuff with him.
(He'd told his horrible family about the pregnancy and they'd essentially persuaded the weak-willed mummy's boy that he should leave).

@firstimemamma

I'm pregnant with our second and it was very much planned and wanted but like with you it was very quick and my husband was in shock. Once it got to about 13ish weeks I think, he just naturally became increasingly excited and involved. I'm 25 weeks now and he is just perfect, rubbing my bump and saying how he can't wait to meet the baby etc. 7 weeks is still really early. Sometimes men just need time

Thank you I'm hoping that's the case. He seems to be coming around extremely slowly. 💕

@MrsFoxyplease

My first pregnancy was planned. We'd been trying nearly two years. Lived together 3. I found out one Saturday afternoon and told him. He seemed happy. I then went to visit a friend and stayed overnight. I returned home the next morning and he'd gone. Taken all his stuff with him. (He'd told his horrible family about the pregnancy and they'd essentially persuaded the weak-willed mummy's boy that he should leave).

What!!! I've heard this happening before. How on earth do you deal With something like that