The Dad's response to your pregnancy

[Ceilia]

Hi all, I'm just curious to know what was everyone's partner's response to when you said you were pregnant?

How was his reaction when you found out you were pregnant and if negative, did it ever change once baby was in his arms or when the pregnancy progressed?

My Husband is struggling to come to terms with it, he's happy some days then low the next. We have our first checkup next week so still early days. Feel like I am on my own a bit with this and hoping he will change.

@MrsFoxyplease

My first pregnancy was planned. We'd been trying nearly two years. Lived together 3. I found out one Saturday afternoon and told him. He seemed happy. I then went to visit a friend and stayed overnight. I returned home the next morning and he'd gone. Taken all his stuff with him. (He'd told his horrible family about the pregnancy and they'd essentially persuaded the weak-willed mummy's boy that he should leave).

I didn't deal with it very well. Spent months crying and calling his Mother begging her to allow him to speak to me ( she wouldn't) and calling his mobile to check if I was still blocked. Just when I start accepting what had happened and scraping myself off the floor he got in touch. I'm embarrassed to say I took him back and we are still 'together' albeit unhappily. I put on a front but I resent him so much and will never forgive him despite all the years that have passed. I'm currently making plans for myself for the future and I will depart in the manner that he left me that Sunday. ( I realise this makes me sound unhinged. I'm not. Honestly)

@MrsFoxyplease you are so strong to take him back, heart wants what the heart wants and I HOPE he came to his senses! His family and mother have a lot to answer for.

Take care

I’m heartbroken seeing all of your replies, it’s clear how much this is hurting you. The not allowing you to look at baby things and saying he won’t change nappies is not ok!

My husband has had 4 months to process now and I really have seen a lot of change from him… slowly but surely. I know it’s hard but try and be patient, it has only been a few weeks and it’s obviously come as a big shock to your husband (even though it shouldn’t have as your pregnancy was planned!).

I would definitely suggest telling him honestly how he is making you feel as it’s not fair.

Another thing that really helped me was telling my closest friend who was actually even more excited than me and she has been the one who I have gone to when I really want to obsess over the baby and me excitable as she reciprocates and it’s so enjoyable to get excited with someone. I know you’re still early but it might be worth sharing with one person if you’ll have that person to talk all things baby with.

I think this is similar to my husband. He had a really sad upbringing on his father’s part and there still a lot of unresolved issues and hurt there.

I remember about 3 weeks after we’d find out about the baby, we went to a wedding and we’re watching some young children play with their parents. I said something like ‘doesn’t it make you a bit excited seeing that?’ and of course husband said no. That then lead to a bit discussion about why and he said something that broke my heart - ‘what if I’m like my dad?’. It made a lot of sense to me then and I’ve since made sure to tell him what a great dad I think he’ll be but it’s really clear he doesn’t believe it. I think that’s been a huge barrier for my husband and how excited he is feeling.

The ‘I can’t change nappies’ comment is something you need to be wary of. It’s a cop out. There’s no reason you know how to change them either (unless you happen to work with kids). Having a baby is a learning curve for both parents, and one doesn’t get to opt out because it’s something new. Both of you learn as you go along. So just be careful he doesn’t get into the habit of handing baby back because it’s easier.

I hope it works out for you. My DH was so excited with ours, I got pregnant on honeymoon, now that was a surprise!

@DukkaDukka he said he wouldn't change the nappies as he can't cope with 'poo'... I said 'surely if it's your own you'll be ok?!'

I have no idea how to change a nappy... it's all new for me as well. I've only watched a couple of YouTube videos and I think I've sussed it at least a bit 😆

It's something I need to discuss with him at another time. All I know it's I'm growing by the day and he's not begging me to get rid of it or moping around because of it. I don't know if that's because he's actually accepted it or he's forgotten about it and burying his head in the sand!

Hi. I can't speak for my own experience as my husband was (and is) incredibly happy and excited, but I was talking with my dad about this recently.
He confessed to me that when my mum fell pregnant he was very much not happy about it. He felt like he wasn't ready, couldn't bond with "the bump" at all, he felt overwhelmed by everything that impending fatherhood meant, plus he's always been a bit immature so I guess that didn't help! He was terribly unhappy apparently, my mum confirmed. He said that when I was born and he saw me for the first time, his whole world changed. And honestly he's been the best dad in the world to me and I never ever doubted he loves me. But he never wanted another child even though my mum wanted one and I would have liked a sibling...!

@babyjenks93 thank you for sharing that. It does sound like my experience, although I wouldn't say he was terribly unhappy but has every other feeling. He is also on the immature side but he always has been. He's said he doesn't want to leave his hobbies and things he enjoys (only does football once a week) and does the occasional meet with his friends but other than that we really are not sacrificing a lot.

First DC, unplanned, he thought we should terminate and I knew that despite being young, I had my shit together and was willing to go it alone. So we split, pushed by me.
He eventually came back, saying he’d crapped himself and needed time to think things through. We got back together and are still together and blissfully happy nearly 18 years.

We tried for several months for our second and he was delighted when I fell pregnant, it was me who crapped myself the second time despite all the planning!

I appreciate our story goes against all statistics though.

Being in shock about a new pregnancy is one thing but the nappies comments he's been making are definitely not normal. Don't let him get away with it otherwise it's ridiculously unfair. "Can't cope" with poo - pathetic. He's a parent and will be pooed on, peed on and puked on, he'll have to find a way to cope!

My husband had been told from age 11 that it would be likely he'd never have kids of his own (cancer). In April 2019 we started him on medication that had around a 50% chance of giving him any sperm. In September 2020 we got the amazing news he had 200k sperm which meant IVF was an option. We were thrilled but very anxious as the sperm was very poor quality. We did two rounds of egg freezing and were about to go for transfer when I found out I was pregnant naturally. We literally spent the first couple of days sliding between thrilled and completely overwhelmed.

Then the scan came and turned out not only was i 4 weeks further along than i realised but it was twins! My husband literally walked round like a zombie for the next week. having believed one thing all his life it was a shock (however good) that what he believed wasn't true. he was also eaten away by anxiety that his poor quality sperm would mean they had issues. Sadly we lost baby 2 at 10 weeks but I am now nearly 32 weeks with baby 1 and she looks amazing. he is so obsessed. But we were having to get scans every few days for a while at the start as he was so so anxious. Now obv the fear has given way to joy.

Your DH may just be anxious and men aren't good at expressing themselves. fingers crossed the joy will come soon. x

Sorry your dealing with this. When we found I was expecting a surprise baby #3 I was shocked.. like took me a while to get my head round it as i was done with having babies. Dh just sort of said.. well what's one more? But then didnt really mention it. I would bring it up and he wouldn't really comment. I finally asked him 1 night if he was happy? He said yes and he was really happy and excited but also nervous. We have had 3 mc so the first 12 weeks were scary for us both. Now weve had the scan he couldn't wait to tell his family and friends.

Maybe dh is just feeling a bit apprehensive, I think as things dont 4really change for a man it doesnt tend to really sink in until the baby is born. Maybe sit him down and see if he will discuss his worries, concerns etc. Maybe he is just feeling the pressure of becoming a dad xxx

I think babies are like aliens to some men people before they have their own.

I also don't know many people whose partners were up for discussing names etc early on. It's a long 9 months but to many men it's not real until it actually happens and you give birth. When you do it is overwhelmingly likely that he will fall in love!

I'm pregnant with baby number 3, eldest 2 have a different df.

Dc1: Wouldn't say we were actively trying but didn't use any protection, we were just seeing what would happen. Fell pregnant after a year. Exdp was shocked but very excited and happy.

DC2: Definitely not trying as DC1 was only 7 months old when I conceived dc2. We only dtd once in that month and we were a bit silly and used the pull out method. I fell pregnant. ExDP was appalled! He even questioned if he was the father as as he put it "but I didn't come in you" he also tried persuading me to have an abortion. When he finally accepted I was continuing with the pregnancy he was pretty miserable about it but once DC2 was born he was fine.

DC3: Baby was planned but happened very quickly. I feel pregnant 3 weeks after implant removal, most of my pregnancy symptoms we mistaked for PMS. DP was absolutely over the moon and he can't wait to be a father.

I have never been able to get pregnant and we had given up on the idea and accepted we were too old for it all now. Then all of a sudden this little miracle happened and although he'd kept saying for a while that he didn't really want children, that he was too old, etc etc. when I eventually found out I wasn't getting fat, but was actually - and miraculously - pregnant, he cried. It's clearly visible that my partner is excited and it's so lovely to see.

Me and DH battled infertility for 2 years to conceive our daughter and even though she’s very much wanted and planned, I have to say that when we found out I was pregnant, I was absolutely terrified, it took me a while to come to terms with and get excited, I think it was anxiety of the unknown and the ‘trying’ suddenly came to an end and my life changed and I didn’t know how I felt- instead of worrying about conceiving, I worried about the life we created. My DH was a lot more positive than I was 😂

Don’t worry too much, everyone processes things differently, it’s a scary thing becoming a parent 😁 give him a chance, congratulations & good luck for the rest of your pregnancy

Thank you so much for everyone's response! Every single one has helped me deal with this.

I'm really happy to report he now seems to come to terms with it. He's started asking about the foods I can and can't eat and he's actually broken the news to me that he 'would like a girl'. I'm bewildered, slightly annoyed but happy at the same time that we both seem to now be on the same page.

We are both now worried to break the news to family. We plan on telling them a week before Xmas (we don't want to hijack Christmas)