You're not alone, I've got 2 children 22 months and 12 months. I felt the same as you the minute I fell pregnant with my first. I was depressed, guilty and angry all the time. I was horrible to my family but mainly my partner, I'd argue, shout and lash out at him, honestly I'm amazed he stuck by me. I was in no way, shape or form prepared for what pregnancy would bring my way. I hated the way I looked, the way I felt, I felt completely detached from my growing daughter, even the thought of her being inside me made me feel sick. I was so scared of telling anyone, and being judged, I just bottled everything up. I eventually had a breakdown at my 30 something scan, and everyone was amazing, no-one judged me, they reassured me that everything would be fine and I'd get through this. When I had my daughter I didn't have that rush of love that everyone talks about, but I did have this overwhelming sense or responsibility and protection for my daughter. I was still suffering with severe depression, but was so scared that someone would take her away from me, I told my midwives that I was fine. She was a few weeks old when I told my mum how I was feeling, she called my midwife, who basically told me not to be stupid, the last thing they want to do is take the baby away. They start you with antidepressants, these are not a magic fix, but the do take the edge of how you are feeling so you can focus on recovery, they refered my to the perinatal team, they have peer support workers, nursery nurses, occupational therapists, counsellors, doctors, psychiatrists. They were brilliant, but when I fell pregnant with my second, I went through the whole hiding my feelings again. When he was 7 months I got re-refered to the perinatal team.
This time I was a lot worse, to the point I was planning to take my own life. Even then there was never any talk of taking my children from me. I was offered a place on a mother and baby ward, so they could offer more help to me. Luckily my mother stepped I when she found out how low I was feeling so I am now staying at my parents. Please do not be afraid to ask for help, I think if I had asked for help earlier, and carried on with my treatment I wouldn't be in this situation now.
I find it hard to open up, but you do need to talk to your partner, if you find it hard to verbalise how you are feeling try writing it down. I found a couple of blogs online that pretty much summed up how I was feeling and just text him the links. Chances are he knows somethings up and is worried about you anyway, so telling him might benefit you both. I was the same with my mum, we've never been close or really talked about anything meaningful, but after opening up to her I've found out so much about her, we both suffered depression, loads of stuff we have in common and we are much closer now than I ever thought possible. If you really don't want to let your partner know how you are feeling still talk to your midwife, it was weeks after I spoke to my midwife about my depression that I eventually felt able to tell my partner.
Pregnancy is hardwork, emotionally and physically, but there is help there, you just need to ask, things will get better and you won't feel like this forever xx