Pregnant & frightened

[Leerose2015]

Hi there,
This is my first ever post on here, so please bear with me 🙏
I'm 34 years old, I've been in a new relationship for 2 months & we've been blissfully happy ❤️
However, a couple of weeks ago I found out that I'm pregnant.
I had a 'one time thing' with my daughters father just over 2 months ago (prior to me meeting my current partner, I'd never cheat), and now I'm unsure if the father of my unborn baby is my daughters daddy or my new partner (my daughter is 6 years old) 😰
I've been totally honest with everyone involved & I've personally paid £1490 for a 'prenatal DNA test' (the results arrive in 2 days) 🧬
My current partner who I've been with for two months is saying this... if the baby is his, then we carry on & live happily ever after, BUT if the baby is my daughters father, then I need to abort as he'll leave me if I don't 😥
I've never in my life been so frightened, I'm suffering with crippling morning sickness (HG 🤮), I've lost so much weight in such a short amount of time, even anti sickness tablets aren't working & I'm currently signed off work as the sickness is debilitating me 🤢🤒
I feel totally lost & I've never in my whole life felt so afraid 😓
Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated... I anticipate I'm approx. 7-10 weeks pregnant 🤰🏼
Thank you for reading x

Hi OP, I think you have 2 very separate issues here. The biggest one is your current boyfriend. The things he is saying and the way that he's treating you are worrying - it sounds very much like you're being love bombed. As for telling your family what your currently going through, that is not OK. You need to step back from his and think what you'd be saying if this was someone else's post. Whatever happens you need to get away from his man, and quickly.

I'm terms of your pregnancy, don't worry about anyone else right now - just think about what you want, what you can deal with and how you feel. Make your decision based on that.

Whatever you decide, make sure it's your decision and one you're comfortable with - everything else will fall into place.

I really would get as far away from your boyfriend as you can as quickly as you can though. These are massive red flags to be seeing just 2 months in.

Whilst I think it’s normal for your new partner to not want to bring up the baby if it’s not his, it sounds like a toxic relationship anyway and one you should get out of. An engagement after 2 months and with everything going on is crazy, and to then completely change his mind a few days later to not wanting the relationship at all, he sounds all over the place and a HUGE red flag.
Please do whatever YOU feel is right in regards to the baby. It’s you who has to live with the decision either way, but regardless, I think leaving your new partner will be healthiest for you all.

Im sorry you’re hurt, but I’m glad you’ve seen his true colours. I don’t think he deserves the word “partner”, he may just qualify for “boyfriend” after 2 months.

Going forward, especially with a child already, an engagement after 8 weeks is ludicrous

I don't think engagement after 2 months is ridiculous. I got pregnant in a new relationship after two months, and engaged straight away. The pregnancy ended in mc but we got married and pregnant 6 months later(32 weeks now). I have never been happier and I know I made the best decisions! When it's right you know it straight away!
I also understand his frustration. I won't take on a new baby who isn't mine and especially if it looks like you still have some things going on with your ex (must be some leftover feelings otherwise you wouldn't slept with him).
BUT! The way how your bf handleing the situation is isn't right! He shouldn't influence your decision about the baby. You just gonna let him go, however painful it will be!

there is nothing between me & my ex, we're good friends for the sake of our beautiful daughter but that's honestly as far as it goes... what happened between us several weeks ago & prior to me meeting my boyfriend was a total 'one time thing', which won't ever happen again... I deeply regret it but at the time I genuinely didn't feel I was doing anything wrong as I was single, nor was I lying/deceiving or hurting anyone, it was a purely platonic encounter which I now deeply wish had never happened 😓 The DNA results come in tomorrow, so I'll hopefully have clarity one way or another 🙏

Sorry to hear you’re going through this, OP. I agree that your current partner (or was) sounds like a complete arsehole. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this in real life? You say that it’s caused a strain on the relationship with your parents - what about another family member or close friend? You need support and a hand hold.

Just ignore everybody’s calls and texts tonight. It sounds like it really matters to you who is the father. That is something you will know tomorrow. Once you know, you decide what you are going to do. You decide. Not the father of the baby. You know what there opinions are on the idea already, you don’t have to consult them again if you don’t want to. You don’t actually have to tell anyone the DNA result immediately either. Sit on it for a few hours or even a day or two. Then contact the people who need to know and tell them the result and your decision. Consider finding one person who’s not got a vested interest in your decision either way to talk to - perhaps a close female friend.

thank you again for your comments everyone, reading your replies really is comforting me at the moment 🙏
My best friend is being amazing & she's not trying to influence me either way regarding the baby, and my mums being wonderful too, even though she's desperately trying to persuade me to terminate (I'm super close to my mum).
I have a great support network but I'm just finding it all so incredibly hard as I have no idea which way to turn, regardless of the DNA result 😓
I've just come off the phone to BPAS - I'm booked in for a scan & a medical abortion on Monday next week, so that's in the diary just in case I do want to proceed with the termination... I'm so frightened as I have no idea what to expect 😥
I'll update this thread with the DNA result tomorrow 🧬

I hope you make a decision that is one you’re comfortable with. If you’re not in a relationship with either man, I’m not sure it matters so much who the dad is, it’s more about whether you’re happy to have a baby alone, when you already have a child to look after.

There’s nothing to say whether keeping the baby or terminating is right or wrong, you have to do what you feel ok with both short term and long term.

Good luck, and I hope everything works out for you

I think the only thing you can do is take both men out of the equation and make a decision based on the right thing for yourself and your existing child.

If you think you'd be happy to have another child at this point then you need to go ahead regardless of all this external pressure. Your parents in particular are being hugely unfair, it really is nothing to do with them at all. At least both men have some skin in the game and may potentially be reacting out of panic and worry for themselves.

At this point I don't know what result would be better to hope for! But either way, just focus on yourself and what you'd want x

A new relationship for two months. Seriously, you need to reassess. If you want another child, you decide. No one else. One step at a time. The baby is your baby regardless of the science x

This really reminds me of when I was pregnant with DC1.

The dad wanted nothing to do with it, all the same stuff 'I'm from a good family, this just doesn't happen', threatening all sorts.

My family was also pushing abortion very heavily, saying my life would be hell, there was no way to make it work etc.

I made about 6 appointments for the abortion but walked out of every single one including one where I'd gotten dressed in the surgical gown and was about to go into theatre.

Now I don't know what I would do without him...or what I would have done if I had let other people push me into doing something I didn't want. Don't think I could have lived with myself. (I have chosen termination in the past so sometimes it is the right option but only if YOU are sure of it.)

Bottom line...block everyone else out of your mind and work out what you want to do.

Good luck

UPDATE: DNA results have just come in, my unborn babies father is my ex, my daughters daddy 😳 I'm in total shock but trying to process it 🧬

Thank you for updating. Make sure you decide what you want to do based on you.

Glad the results came in quick for you @Leerose2015.

I don't know if that's a better or worse result really?!

However I do think it unfortunately means you probably need to have a proper sit down with your ex about how it would work, now that you know the baby is his. As he still has a relationship with your older daughter, I think he'd really need to be on board with the arrival of a second child as it would be heartbreaking for the younger if he refused the same relationship with them. He needs to be willing to accept this baby in the same way as his daughter.

me & my current partner have decided to separate as in reality it would never have worked under such pressured circumstances following the DNA results 💔😞 And after telling my daughters father about the baby, we've both decided to go ahead with the termination 😓 I went back to the doctors today as I'm still being violently sick from the HG, so they've prescribed me a different anti sickness tablets, so I'm praying these work 🤮🙏 Basically, I've lost everything, I'm beyond devastated... what a mess 😣 I'm just so glad I have my beautiful little daughter as she'll hopefully get me through ❤️

@Leerose2015 you haven't lost everything at all, even though it's hard to see now. You have your career you've worked hard for, you have your little girl, you have an amazing relationship with your mum. You have a great supportive friend. You have a lot good things in your life.

All you've lost is a loser of a bf who doesn't deserve you.

Please lean on your support right now, and with time you will feel better again 🤍

All you've lost is a loser of a bf who doesn't deserve you

Sorry, but that’s not true and it’s invalidating OP’s emotions. She has lost her baby, because she is having a termination. Even if it’s the right decision for her, it’s still a very sad and difficult loss.

@Derbee she hasn't gone through with termination yet so you're wrong to be saying she's lost the baby

@laurenGame no point arguing semantics with someone who has no empathy. Not sure what you’re adding to the thread though.

I'm so sorry, OP. What an awful thing to have to go through.

Focusing on the positives, at least you've seen the true colours of your "D"P. Much easier to find out about that now than later down the line once you're more invested. He sounds like waste of space and I'm really pleased for you that you're rid of him.

Give yourself space and time to process what has happened. You're an amazing mum and you're going to be ok.

@Derbee she might change her mind, the baby is still here 🤍

Please no arguing, it's not nice and no good for the OP x

UPDATE: I went for a scan this morning at the BPAS clinic & I'm 8 weeks & 6 days pregnant, so the baby is just 2cm big, but I saw it's little heartbeat on the screen & it was wriggling away in there 🏥 I was expecting to see just a blob on the screen, but it very much looked like a baby, which made me incredibly emotional 😢 I've come home with the abortion pack, so I'm able to take the tablets at home to end the pregnancy if that's what I decide but I'm still so undecided atm... my parents are putting an incredible amount of pressure on me to terminate, I actually just called in to see my mum straight after the scan & her first words to me were 'there's no way you can have this baby, it would be so irresponsible of you if you go ahead, you have no choice but to terminate' 😓 I stood up & walked out in absolute tears 😣 I'm now even more frightened & so very confused 😞 x

So much judgement for doing nothing wrong.

Please take a step back from your new partner, he is manipulating the situation to make you do what he wants. You are more important than all these people pushing you to do what they want.