pregnant from a fling - advise needed

[MSunshine]

Hi,

I'm looking for a little guidance. I had a few night fling with a guy and got pregnant due to faulty contraception. As doctors have been telling me forever it would difficult to get pregnant and I had a upcoming complicated myomectomy scheduled. I did not take the morning after pill. I'm 39 years old and after the shock, was thrilled to become a mom.

Now I am 17.5 weeks. I've tried to get to know the father and establish some kind of friendship. I'm not in love with him and do not want to be a insta-couple although this is what he like. He turns out to have a fair bit of money issues in his life and has recently asked me not only for money but a place to stay. I said no... which has opened a can of worms. He is starting to freak me out with his correspondence. Lots of emotional blackmail and anger.

In all honesty I'm happy to take on the responsibility of this child alone. I rather be a single mom in harmony then try to co parent with someone who is unstable and does not seem to be able to take of themselves.

I wondered if there is anyone out there that has been in a similar situation. Can I legally deny him fatherhood? I've only known him for 4.5 months and things have progressively gotten worse. Although I have made it clear we are not a couple he is like a jealous lover accusing me of being with other people, getting angry if I don't pick up the phone. He even sent me a picture of my front door saying he was outside after telling me he was out of the country. I just like him to go away.

I want to enjoy this pregnancy, it's such a magical time and I feel like he is ruining it and I am getting really worried what he will be like when the baby arrives.

He is younger 34 and comes from a rather machismo culture. Ive given him space to initially freak out about the pregnancy news but this is too much now.

I'm actually so happy to be a mom but every time he contacts me. I start to feel depressed.

Any advise much appreciated.

Warmest,
M.

Can I legally deny him fatherhood?

The short answer to this is “no”. If you’re in the uk, he has rights to see his child and will be able to challenge you through the legal system if you try to stop that.

He might lose interest and you need to establish firm boundaries now but you can’t just decide unilaterally that he won’t be in your child’s life. You’re tied to this guy now.

It might be worth making an appointment with a specialist family solicitor to discuss your concerns and see what can be put in place regarding contact and how he will financially support the child before the baby is born. If he poses a risk to the child that might be a valid reason to keep him away but I can’t immediately see anything that rises to that level that in your post.

Congratulations on your pregnancy?
Are you in the U.K.? You use American English so if you're in the states we can't really advise.
If you are in the U.K. you can avoid putting him on the birth certificate and you can refuse to allow any contact though he can take you to court to get both if he has a mind to.
He sounds dangerous and abusive and you really need to cut him off immediately. I wouldn't recommend any direct contact with the baby at first unless he can prove he can learn how to behave properly and even then I would ask someone you trust to supervise.

Not putting him on the birth certificate would definitely put up a hurdle to him. He would have to petition for parental responsibility through the court system and that might be enough to put him off. But if he does do that, it’s quite likely he will be given it (given what you’ve said here) and then you can’t really stop him seeing the child.

Echoing what others have said about not putting him on the birth certificate. This also means that you have a chance at living free of him. While there's a chance he goes to court, there's also a chance he doesn't: if he does, he'll have to pay child support. Rather a lot of men don't find that an attractive option, even when they have loads of money, have lived with their child for 10+ years and are on the birth certificate.

Also, your kid will not suffer because there isn't a name on the certificate. If he really changes and grows up in his behaviour, then he'll be a father anyway.

Also, just so you know (or have it reinforced) he has absolutely zero "right" to be present at the birth. It will be entirely detrimental you you to have this man present while you're extremely vulnerable. If the only option is to be in there alone, I'd go for that, rather than have him there (because anybody present who doesn't care about you is a problem you simply don't need then). This may not have come up yet, but many women feel obliged and men feel it's their right. It's your body going through birth. If theres nobody and you can afford it then a doula could be an option.

After baby is born and you're feeling fit and comfortable with him there - if you do - that's different.

Also, any birthing course you may choose to do, he has no right to attend.

Have you told him that he's free to leave this responsibility behind, that you don't need anything from him?

I think it's great that you've said No to him and aren't having him moving in some misplaced pity. I'd keep a record of everything he says though because it sounds like this is escalating and unfortunately you may need some record of what's been happening. If there's any hint of threat, don't hesitate to talk to the police. Not least because that would be an official record. I'm not meaning to scare or stress you out here, it's more that knowledge is power and his behaviour right now sounds much like that of men who get away with causing problems for women because there's no complaints ever made. If he's from a machismo culture then you being pregnant and not under his control could be (is from the sounds of it) problematic for him. This is unlikely to peter out at least in the short term.

Any I also think it's fair to send him a message (so it's written down and date stamped) saying that you're feeling stressed by his behaviours and won't be answering the phone to him as stress is not good for you the baby. And then don't answer unless you feel like it.

At the same time, are you doing things that are enjoyable? Ramp those things up - you deserve to enjoy this time.

Congratulations on the pregnancy!

If you're in the UK, I would contact police regarding his behaviour as it falls into the stalking/harassment/domestic abuse territory. Domestic abuse statistically increases during pregnancy so by contacting police you'll be triggering a multi-agency support network that will help you. As a pregnant woman you're classed as vulnerable so there's a lot more help out there than you realise.

Also, don't put him on the child's birth certificate. If he wants to fight for access to the child, then he'll have to go to court and the multi-agency support mentioned above will not help him as you've had to receive that support because of his behaviour. He sounds like the type to want to control you rather than be Dad of the year to this baby so I doubt he'd make the effort or spend the money on going to court.

This guy sounds unpleasant,but a far cry from being abusive.He is angry and understandibly you can do without this sort of shit.to me, it sounds,he is totally freaked out about your pregnancy.did you make it clear to him,you are happy to take full responsibility financially too.I am also thinking when the child is older and the "where is my dad" question arrives.if he actually whats to have contact with the child and you deny it,this could cause big problems in the future.

I also think you should contact police about his behaviour.
Although I am sorry you do need to get your head around he is not a sperm donor but the father of your baby and he is not just going to go away and leave you to it.

@Prattypitel

This guy sounds unpleasant,but a far cry from being abusive.He is angry and understandibly you can do without this sort of shit.to me, it sounds,he is totally freaked out about your pregnancy.did you make it clear to him,you are happy to take full responsibility financially too.I am also thinking when the child is older and the "where is my dad" question arrives.if he actually whats to have contact with the child and you deny it,this could cause big problems in the future.

Although I have made it clear we are not a couple he is like a jealous lover accusing me of being with other people, getting angry if I don't pick up the phone. He even sent me a picture of my front door saying he was outside after telling me he was out of the country.

Definitely abusive.

@Prattypitel

This guy sounds unpleasant,but a far cry from being abusive.He is angry and understandibly you can do without this sort of shit.to me, it sounds,he is totally freaked out about your pregnancy.did you make it clear to him,you are happy to take full responsibility financially too.I am also thinking when the child is older and the "where is my dad" question arrives.if he actually whats to have contact with the child and you deny it,this could cause big problems in the future.

Really? She's only known him 4 months and he's taking pictures of her front door to let her know he's watching her. I'd say that's crossing the line into abusive.

OP block him, don't put him on the birth certificate and if you really don't want him to see the baby, don't allow him. Don not give him the child alone. He can take you to court and prove he's the father.
Phone the police for the harassment. This could escalate and you want everything documented. Keep pictures and messages he's sent you, and if you can, go and see a lawyer who specialises in family law so you can find out exactly what he might get, but go to the police first.

I think you can contact the police about his behaviour but it's not fair to make him go to court for a relationship with his child. You made a baby together. You can't just decide to exclude him without good reason.

You made a baby together.

Come on. They had a fling and he totally freaked out when she told him she was pregnant. They had sex. She fell pregnant accidentally. There was no “making a baby together”.

@PurpleDaisies

Can I legally deny him fatherhood?

The short answer to this is “no”. If you’re in the uk, he has rights to see his child and will be able to challenge you through the legal system if you try to stop that.

He might lose interest and you need to establish firm boundaries now but you can’t just decide unilaterally that he won’t be in your child’s life. You’re tied to this guy now.

It might be worth making an appointment with a specialist family solicitor to discuss your concerns and see what can be put in place regarding contact and how he will financially support the child before the baby is born. If he poses a risk to the child that might be a valid reason to keep him away but I can’t immediately see anything that rises to that level that in your post.

Actually, if you are in the UK neither parent has this right, but you both have RESPONSIBILITIES to the child.

The child has a RIGHT to a relationship with BOTH their parents.

Either way you have acknowledged he is the father so I doubt he would have any difficulties applying for parental responsibility and to be named on the birth certificate (if he wants to push for it).

For courts to deny contact between a child and their parent there has to have been some major problems. Really serious, proven problems,that potentially endanger the child. Based on your posts I can see nothing that would prevent contact.

Sort out child maintenance then see if he's prepared to parent.

I agree with others saying to contact the police. This harrassment from him is definitely straying into stalker behaviour, which is frightening and illegal.

PPs saying it's not fair to prevent him seeing the baby - his behaviour makes it sound like it will be a safe-guarding issue for him to look after the child later on. Tread very carefully.

@Harlequin1088

If you're in the UK, I would contact police regarding his behaviour as it falls into the stalking/harassment/domestic abuse territory. Domestic abuse statistically increases during pregnancy so by contacting police you'll be triggering a multi-agency support network that will help you. As a pregnant woman you're classed as vulnerable so there's a lot more help out there than you realise.

Also, don't put him on the child's birth certificate. If he wants to fight for access to the child, then he'll have to go to court and the multi-agency support mentioned above will not help him as you've had to receive that support because of his behaviour. He sounds like the type to want to control you rather than be Dad of the year to this baby so I doubt he'd make the effort or spend the money on going to court.

His behaviour towards op IS within the parameters of abuse, but still this does not mean he can be prevented from establishing a relationship with the dc when born. And assuming any of the conversations between op and the dad are by text or email, he won't have any issues with gaining PR and named on the BC.

They didn't 'make a baby' in the lovey-dovey traditional ttc way, however they had sex, a baby has been created and op has made a choice to continue with the pregnancy. This man is going to be a part of her and her dc life for a very long time, and op needs to put measures and boundaries in place now. Speak to the police about his behaviour towards her, speak to a solicitor for advice about the situation, figure out some sort of parenting plan before baby comes.

If you are American, is it possible for your to move to another state before the baby is born?

It sounds dramatic, but before the baby is born, he has absolutely no say where you move your body. After the baby is born, even if you don’t put him on the birth certificate, if he takes you to court and gets visitation, you will likely be tied to the local area until the baby is grown unless you manage to get sole custody without geographic restrictions (which is possible).

If you move before the baby is born, custody would then need to be established in the state in which you live, making it much more complicated for the court to geographically tie you to him.

Ultimately, no matter where you are, I’d establish firm boundaries with the father and speak with a lawyer.

Keep records of his interaction with you so you can document his unreasonable behaviour as evidence if you need to restrict the amount of time your child spends with him in the future.

No you will be unable to deny him fatherhood. And why do you think you should be able to?
You chose to keep his baby - do you think just because you want to be a mother and single that the child has no right to know their father? Frankly I’m appalled at your attitude whatever his faults.

@UhOhOops

Seems like unbelievably bad form to purposely cut him out the child’s life pre birth then demand matinence from him when he’s willing to be in the child’s life.

@PurpleDaisies whether they intended to or not, they both made a baby and he is it's father

When after only 4 months and with no formal relationship a man already shows signs of possession and coercive control, it’s best to be prudent and cautious about how much control OP ends up inadvertently giving him over her and her child’s life. Not setting up rights, visitation and child support now does not mean the child will not ever have a relationship with the father, but it allows her to properly asses (which she frankly hasn’t had time for and the signs aren’t good) and protect her child at each stage along the way. In this case, an ounce of caution at the get go could save her and her child a lot of heartache in the future.

My guess is,the more you put up a wall,the angrier he gets.I think,some people here really have no idea,when police or other offials get involved.Let me be clear, not in this case and rightly so.there are enough real abuse cases towards women.the situation here is not abuse.He is angry with very immature behaviour.Has he been pinning her against the wall physically hurting her or emotionally prolongued abuse?NO.He is simply an immature chap,like many men are.maybe you are angrythe fact you had sex with someone you dont really know and then it turns out he is an arsehole.you feel annoyed with yourself and set up a situation which is unpleasant for both of you.you have to be the mature lerson here.And who knows,when you let down your guard,he might not be quite such a prat.In any case,your behaviour will already set up a shite relationship with the other person involved in getting you pregnant.your child has a right to have contact with that person,unless you can proof he would harm the child.Taking a pic of your front door is not proof,its laughable.

Wow.

I'm the last person to say LTB, but in this case I'd be running for the hills with my unborn child. He sounds mentally unstable, not just immature.

He is starting to freak me out with his correspondence. Lots of emotional blackmail and anger.

Emotional blackmail is abuse.

You've made the effort to get to know him. Of course you shouldn't have let him move in with you! That would be ridiculous. Keep a log of all his strange behaviour- I have a feeling you might need it in the future if you need to go to the police in the future.

First off a very big thank you for all the contributions and advise. I've felt rather alone in this and have not shared with friends and family what's actually going on.

To be clear indeed we did not decide to make a baby ... we had sex twice, both in agreement that we did not want anything serious together. I take full responsibility that I did not take the morning after pill after a condom broke. I really did not think pregnancy naturally was possible considering the health conditions I have. I've had doctors shake their heads at me saying my chances were next to none. Anyway I had sex and did not take plan B.

My father was and is a extremely important person to me. He was the one changing diapers and caring for me more then my mother, so I know very well how important the bond is between child and father. Therefore, it was never my intention to 'cut him out' although I also don't feel I should have to be subject to all his drama or owe him anything because I'm accidentally pregnant. It's a tricky one... what are the ethics.... I feel conflicted but also am starting to have a lot of anxiety and find my self falling a bit into depression lately. He told me I am evil and that he is thinking of doing bad things because I would not lend him money. I've told him very clearly from the start that I would take full physical, emotional and financial responsibility for the child. He wants the child to know him but when it comes to taking any responsibility he say I wanted to keep it so it's on me. He is broke.

I'm not in the UK at the moment but it has crossed my mind to relocate. I have lived between Spain and the UK for years pre covid but had to close my events company during the pandemic and have been here for a year now. I've got an NHS number and still pay my tax in the UK.

Come on. They had a fling and he totally freaked out when she told him she was pregnant. They had sex. She fell pregnant accidentally. There was no “making a baby together”

Would the baby have some along without the man there then?

I agree that is not full on abuse right now but some serious red flags are there. He calls me repeatedly if I don't pick up. Even when I say I'm at work or will contact him later. He has accused me of sleeping with other men 100 times although I made it clear that's not his business or what I'm doing. He has showed up at my house uninvited. He has called me names. He has said he has to go to courts because of a stupid charge his 'crazy' ex put on him for stalking. He believes I should help him financially for the benefit of the child.