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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

pregnant from a fling - advise needed

51 replies

MSunshine · 15/11/2021 05:15

Hi,

I'm looking for a little guidance. I had a few night fling with a guy and got pregnant due to faulty contraception. As doctors have been telling me forever it would difficult to get pregnant and I had a upcoming complicated myomectomy scheduled. I did not take the morning after pill. I'm 39 years old and after the shock, was thrilled to become a mom.

Now I am 17.5 weeks. I've tried to get to know the father and establish some kind of friendship. I'm not in love with him and do not want to be a insta-couple although this is what he like. He turns out to have a fair bit of money issues in his life and has recently asked me not only for money but a place to stay. I said no... which has opened a can of worms. He is starting to freak me out with his correspondence. Lots of emotional blackmail and anger.

In all honesty I'm happy to take on the responsibility of this child alone. I rather be a single mom in harmony then try to co parent with someone who is unstable and does not seem to be able to take of themselves.

I wondered if there is anyone out there that has been in a similar situation. Can I legally deny him fatherhood? I've only known him for 4.5 months and things have progressively gotten worse. Although I have made it clear we are not a couple he is like a jealous lover accusing me of being with other people, getting angry if I don't pick up the phone. He even sent me a picture of my front door saying he was outside after telling me he was out of the country. I just like him to go away.

I want to enjoy this pregnancy, it's such a magical time and I feel like he is ruining it and I am getting really worried what he will be like when the baby arrives.

He is younger 34 and comes from a rather machismo culture. Ive given him space to initially freak out about the pregnancy news but this is too much now.

I'm actually so happy to be a mom but every time he contacts me. I start to feel depressed.

Any advise much appreciated.

Warmest,
M.

OP posts:
Original poster
MSunshine · 15/11/2021 09:20

Thank you to the person that said it's not obligated to have him at the birth. This is helpful. I will ask if it's the same here. I've asked my father to come for this part.

OP posts:
Prattypitel · 15/11/2021 11:30

Jesus Christ,you have lift in Spain and you consider living in the UK??with all that Brexit shit here and no NHS anymore and a dodgy chap in tow here.I would take the next flight to Spain and fucking stay there!You must be mad to want to live in Britain.

Prattypitel · 15/11/2021 11:31

*lived

Thatsplentyjack · 15/11/2021 11:34

I would relocate OP, before the baby is born. You absolutely do not have to have him there while you deliver the baby.
Just because your dad was a good man who took care of you, doesn't mean he is. Infact he sounds completely fucking nuts.
Keep all records of threats and show them to the police. Him already having been charged for whatever he did to his ex should work in your favour.

FreeBritnee · 15/11/2021 11:40

@Prattypitel

Jesus Christ,you have lift in Spain and you consider living in the UK??with all that Brexit shit here and no NHS anymore and a dodgy chap in tow here.I would take the next flight to Spain and fucking stay there!You must be mad to want to live in Britain.
I think the OP said she’s living abroad right now. Not in the UK.
PurpleDaisies · 15/11/2021 11:57

When you say that it’s crossed your mind to relocate to the uk, that doesn’t sound like a very firm plan unless I’ve misunderstood.

To be honest, I’m not quite sure how asking people mostly from the uk about the legal situation regarding him seeing the baby was going to help you when you don’t live here. Other counties may have different laws on stalking/abusive behaviour in relationships.

You really need to talk to a local family law specialist who can advise you on what the situation is where you’ll be living when you’ve had the baby.

DustyMaiden · 15/11/2021 12:08

Tell him you miscarried and leave. He sounds dangerous.

FreeBritnee · 15/11/2021 12:18

Would you be able to relocate when pregnant? I’m sure he could legally stop you relocating when the child is here. You could be trapped in the country you currently reside in until the child is an adult.

Original poster
MSunshine · 15/11/2021 13:55

Yes some interesting points... I guess if I were to relocate it would be before the birth. For clarification, I'm dutch and American. I've lived between the UK and Spain for the last 15 years although I have been in Spain since covid hit. I still pay tax in the Uk. He is from the Dominican Republic...

I'm asking because it's good to know be informed. UK or not, this has been helpful. Also to get some feedback on if this indeed is sounding as worrying as it is starting to feel. Again I am very grateful for the feedback.

OP posts:
Original poster
MSunshine · 15/11/2021 14:27

[quote SomeFineDay]@UhOhOops

Seems like unbelievably bad form to purposely cut him out the child’s life pre birth then demand matinence from him when he’s willing to be in the child’s life.[/quote]
I was not planning on demanding maintenance. I actually said I take on all responsibility because I did not take a morning after pill and to keep the baby.

Although at this point it's crossed my mind that the broken condom was part of a plan.
It's sinister but he is pleading to register his name at my house for residency, to stay here to be close to the baby and for money.

I can understand his right to the baby when it is born but what about when it's unborn. For getting me pregnant should he have access to me now? Seems odd.

OP posts:
FreeBritnee · 15/11/2021 14:41

Gosh I would run while you can OP. It sounds like you have lots of choices available to you country wise. Go be with your family.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2021 14:48

I would relocate as soon as possible, block him, and definitely don't put him on the bc. You've got to get away from this man.

UhOhOops · 15/11/2021 17:14

... because I'm accidentally pregnant

OP, you're not accidentally pregnant. You were sufficiently cautious enough to use a condom, when that broke you admit not taking the MAP, never mind STD checks. And then you chose to continue the pregnancy.

You cannot deny your child the right to a relationship with their father. You CAN take steps now to protect yourself, and your dc, from current and potential abuse by taking steps to establish boundaries.

UhOhOops · 15/11/2021 17:19

For getting me pregnant

No, you both participated in consensual sex , during which there is a likelihood of pregnancy. Then there was a contraceptive failure which you took no steps to mitigate for, and then you chose to continue the pregnancy.

He has no rights to access you at all, but as above, now would be a great time to make plans, sensibly, as to how you will both be parents to your dc.

You are under no obligation to provide him with an address or anything else.

Original poster
MSunshine · 15/11/2021 17:57

@UhOhOops

For getting me pregnant

No, you both participated in consensual sex , during which there is a likelihood of pregnancy. Then there was a contraceptive failure which you took no steps to mitigate for, and then you chose to continue the pregnancy.

He has no rights to access you at all, but as above, now would be a great time to make plans, sensibly, as to how you will both be parents to your dc.

You are under no obligation to provide him with an address or anything else.

Let me just restate. He has made it very clear that he does not feel he has any financial responsibility for this child as it was not his choice to keep it. Although the law might not agree. I have said I would take care of the child on my own.

It seems you are insinuating that I'm not taking responsibility, when I clearly did use protection but made an error to not take a morning after pill. Which I have already explained I did not bother because I've been told by a number of doctors natural pregnancy was highly unlikely. None of us are sexual angels. We have all had moments this did not go as planned or in the ideal manner.

It was a lucky error... because I'm very happy and always wanted to be a mother.

Although I am very concerned about the fathers behaviour and interested in knowing others opinions on the matter or if anyone else has been in a similar situation of a accidental(unplanned) pregnancy with a fling. How they navigated creating these boundaries. Especially with someone who is proving to be a so worrying.

What I've gotten from everyone is that not putting him on the birth certificate is the best way to go and that seeking out laws in each country would be smart. In the grand scheme of things I want to do what will create the most harmonious environment for the baby.

Thank you for your feedback.

OP posts:
Lostintranslatio · 15/11/2021 18:10

@MSunshine as you both are not married, to register the birth in Spain you both should go together to the registry. But as PP has said, I would reconsider relocating.

It surprised me he wants your address to get his residency (?) Is his situation in Spain not regulated? If so, one more red flag to run away without looking backwards.

ricepolo · 15/11/2021 18:13

The “crazy ex” claim is a massive red flag. Huge. Very common amongst abusive men. Please be careful.

Original poster
MSunshine · 15/11/2021 18:22

It's all unravelling for me too... this is why I'm starting to feel alarmed.

He says it's for the baby. He says because of his 'crazy' ex his paperwork in Spain is not completed and wants to not only use my address to register but also stay here for a bit. He has recently sent me photos crying saying he needs my help and needs money. We come from very different worlds...
I've blessed with two passports. Besides recently with Brexit I have never had to have a visa where I plan to stay and work.
I worry because looking back he has always angled for staying here under the guise of us trying it as a family. I've always said I do not want to live together. That we have to get to know each other slowly. That friendship and the baby are most important. He keeps asking every time I opened up to any conversation. This has now become begging and calling me names because I do not agree. Says if I don't help him I'm not thinking of the child.

OP posts:
Original poster
MSunshine · 15/11/2021 18:30

Agree... lots of red flags. This is why I'm starting to feel anxious.

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GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 15/11/2021 18:34

Well you could.... Tell him you made a mistake and the baby isn’t his??? Then move away. I mean it might not be the most honourable thing but he sounds like a ticking time bomb of trouble in your life...

Lostintranslatio · 15/11/2021 18:36

@MSunshine don't feel anxious. Fortunately you still have time to seek for help and information and make a decision. But please, put yourself and your baby first because he sounds like a total "liante" (as called in Spain).

Littlebee90 · 15/11/2021 19:03

I was in your situation years ago. I didn’t put him on the birth certificate. He was awful. When the baby was born he pretended to be doting dad and made all these promises. Of course he broke them.
I told him to take me to court if he cared about his child and go through proper channels rather than send me absuive text messages etc. He never did because of his criminal record, it would all come out in court.
I blocked him, moved away and it’s been 11 years now. I occasionally get the odd message request on Facebook from a new account he’s made asking to see him, but I know he’s full of shit. I’m married to a fantastic guy who has been dad since he was 2.
Follow your gut. He is bad news, do what you can to protect you and your baby. He’s trouble and he will only get worse and worse. And I would also report him to the police.

Original poster
MSunshine · 15/11/2021 19:04

@Lostintranslatio

Thank you. It's certainly a lot of emotions. Shame, happiness, fear....

OP posts:
Littlebee90 · 15/11/2021 19:07

Can I also say my ex was exactly the same with money and asking all the time.
It turned out he was a gambling addict. He just wanted his feet under the table, a cosy house and a woman to do all his washing and pay all the bills.
Get him to fuck.

Original poster
MSunshine · 15/11/2021 19:07

@Littlebee90

Thank you for sharing. I like this child to have a father so good to hear you found someone else after being in a similar place.

It's encouraging.

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