Who's surname?

[blacksockss]

The scenario

I have a DD

DP has a DS

We are expecting, not married. My DD has my surname, his DS has his.

I sort of assumed baby would take his but are there any implications I'm not aware of?

We are happy etc, hopefully plan to marry later down the line but i dont know?

Also they are not hyphen appropriate

I went with my DP's name as we always intended to get married.

@Harlequin1088, I would make sure his divorce happens as he is still married and that means his Ex is next of kin, finances, wills etc. It's rely significant if you are having a baby and relying on him financially post birth.

Op, as others say, the default is your name. He is assuming tradition which only applies WHEN you are married. Definitely your name

I live in Portugal- babies here have multiple surnames. It's usual to have 4. My kids have 3 - 2 of partner and 1 of mine. People are horrified when I tell them that women lose their names traditionally at marriage and kids traditionally are named with dads surname. They think it's bizzare. I'm very happy all my kids have both our names. Seems much more sensible. Often adults choose the name they prefer.

I'd give baby your surname. If you get married you could always reregister with the other surname if you choose.

Give the baby your surname. You can always change it later when you marry. Quite apart from anything else, it makes life so much easier, e.g. when travelling abroad. DD has DH's name and I've so often had to explain who I am .

Your babies name is your choice to be honest. Im quite shocked alot of women say to have babies name as their name if not married? I didn't even think that was a issue or a thing 😂? I named my first child after his dad I regret it majorly but it is what it is. I always assumed babies had their dad's names unless they were not in the picture?... Learn something new everyday! 😂 I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant with my partner. We are not married but after 5 losses and this being his first child I'm naming our baby after him. No matter what babies name is. Your always there mother and a name doesn't change that or make you more insignificant, same goes for the other way around he will always be there dad! Have a conversation and come up with what you both feel comfortable with. If you can't come to an agreement on it. Middle name is always an option for one of your surnames! Go with what sounds right and feels right for you both ❤️

Could someone explain the UK legal logistics of surnames to me?

I figured we would just use both on the birth certificate, and choose to use one of them in practice, e.g. at school (and then if they want to switch to the other later in life for any reason, they could just use that one in practice instead).

Will that be a problem with the passport for example? Can we just put both surnames on the passport, as actual surnames, not as middle name?

@blacksockss

I'm really surprised by this, friends have said its no question its his.

By be giving the baby mine, isn't that sort of saying were not a proper family? I know a name isn't sooo important its more the message it gives?

I am also concerned about my little dd feeling left out, but i suppose mine and hers are the same

You are not married. So base it upon that OP.

If you split up from your OH and you go on holiday with your kids will have different surnames and they sometimes question this. It's quite embarrassing too!

In the airport I forgot to put!

@AnonymousXXIX

Could someone explain the UK legal logistics of surnames to me?

I figured we would just use both on the birth certificate, and choose to use one of them in practice, e.g. at school (and then if they want to switch to the other later in life for any reason, they could just use that one in practice instead).

Will that be a problem with the passport for example? Can we just put both surnames on the passport, as actual surnames, not as middle name?

Yes you can give your child both your surnames. Hyphenated or not hyphenated. (There is the possibility for confusion if not hyphenated: is it a middle name or surname).

Both names on the birth certificate, passport to match birth certificate.

Beyond that at school they can go by a ‘known as’ name,

Once older they can use the whole or whatever part of their surname they wish, or indeed any other surname, as long as it isn’t for purpose of fraud.

However You cannot change a child’s surname without the permission of everyone who has parental responsibility. So, for example a mother cannot change the surname of her child from the father to hers unless he agrees. He can even stop a ‘known as’ name at school.

But any adult can go by any name they choose. Deed poll required for some circumstances but not all.

My friend finds she gets called Mrs (DC and DP’s name) a lot, especially at the school.

P.S you can also give your child a new surname which is neither the mother’s or father’s

I don't think it matters that much, OP. I'm not married and my DC are 17 and 19. They have DP's name. I'm the only one with my name. Really doesn't bother me that we have different names.

I think theoretically if you travel through an airport and your DCs have a different surname from you (and DP is now with you) then you could get interrogated at immigration but this never happened to me. My DCs do look very much like me though!

Thanks @EdgeOfTheSky!

[quote blacksockss]@SoupDragon He is saying it will be his and is confused by me even bringing it up lol

This has really changed my view though tbh[/quote]
That is so arrogant, misogynistic and patriarchal. Terrible attitude that belongs back in the 1950s, not in 2021.

I would be informing him immediately that baby would definitely have my surname.

I am in the same situation OP. We have a while yet to decide (first trimester) but I would like the baby to take my surname until me and DP are married.

I love these men who are all ‘oh so traditional’ when it comes to naming their child - but not when it comes to marrying the child’s mother before they have a child with her 🤔🤔🤔

@Annasgirl

I love these men who are all ‘oh so traditional’ when it comes to naming their child - but not when it comes to marrying the child’s mother before they have a child with her 🤔🤔🤔

👏🏻

@dizzydizzydizzy

I don't think it matters that much, OP. I'm not married and my DC are 17 and 19. They have DP's name. I'm the only one with my name. Really doesn't bother me that we have different names.

I think theoretically if you travel through an airport and your DCs have a different surname from you (and DP is now with you) then you could get interrogated at immigration but this never happened to me. My DCs do look very much like me though!

It seems to matter to men though. Including the OP’s DP.

Why is that?

So much internal misogyny around.

Stop giving men who don’t want to marry you your baby’s names.

(Disclaimer. Not everyone wants to be married. But 99% of the time on these threads it’s “Oh yeah, he says he’ll marry me some day”. Legally speaking, if you’re having a baby together it’s time to shit or get off the pot.)

Your surname as you aren't married. You can both agree to change it as and when you marry. If he's so bothered about the child having his surname then he needs to marry you.

@AnonymousXXIX

Could someone explain the UK legal logistics of surnames to me?

I figured we would just use both on the birth certificate, and choose to use one of them in practice, e.g. at school (and then if they want to switch to the other later in life for any reason, they could just use that one in practice instead).

Will that be a problem with the passport for example? Can we just put both surnames on the passport, as actual surnames, not as middle name?

It's not a problem per se, the UK in general is quite lax about this, just you'll find random institutions insist that your name in their records matches your birth certificate. My parents were married but my mum kept her maiden name so my surname was both of theirs (double barrelled but not hyphenated if that makes sense), but they gave up on using that very quickly because it was a mouthful so I entered primary school using just my dads surname. By the time I went on my first holiday abroad with my mum, she'd forgotten what my actual name was on my birth certificate & therefore passport & had to fork out at the airport to change the name on my flight ticket at the last minute! So be careful of those kind of mistakes, easy to make! They changed my passport to just my dads surname after that, which was fine to do apparently so it doesn't even have to match your birth certificate. (I was on my mums passport prior to this so my first individual passport was in just my dads surname) My secondary school insisted that I sit my GCSE's under the name on my birth certificate, but my college & university said using just the name in my passport was fine. So now, only my birth certificate and GCSE's are in my full surname. I so rarely even remember that I have a different surname to the one I've used most of my life so it doesn't seem to matter much. The only time it's come up since my GCSEs was when they do those interviews before letting you get married & they were weird about my husband not knowing that I had a different surname on my birth certificate & I was like I literally never think about it or talk about it, like why would he need to know about it. Every other thing in my life ever is my dads surname, except now I'm married so it's all in my husbands surname!

Oh & in response to OP, I would definitely give your child your surname, especially as your other child already has your surname.
My mum remarried & took her new husbands surname & I only saw my dad like once a year, so I grew up not having the same name as the family I lived with & I really didn't like it. It was always awkward having to correct people who assumed that my parents (mum & step dad) were mr & mrs x to match my surname and people make weird assumptions about your family situation. Not everyone's experience of course, but just how I felt growing up.
It's easy enough to change yours & your child's surname after you marry if that's what you want though I guess I'm relating more to your first child here who has your surname & might end up as the odd one out?