Is it wrong of me to not want any visitors after I give birth

[casey19]

Hello just looking for some honest opinions please. I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with my second child and I've decided this time round that I don't want any visitors at the hospital after I give birth I want a few days to really connect with my baby as I'm going to be breast feeding this time and I didn't last time I bottle fed my first son. The first time I give birth was at 4.30 in the morning and my partners mum and dad were at the hospital for 7am taking pictures of us all and I found that really hard I just wanted to hold my baby and sleep, my partners mum works as a nurse at the hospital so I feel it will be impossible to keep her away as last time she kept coming into the room and taking the baby off me ( I know she wasn't doing out of any bad will, she was just excited) but I really wanted to be on my own with my son. I don't have a great relationship with my mum and my dad has young children and works full time so the only people to watch my son while I'm giving birth would be my partners parents ( I would never expect anyone to watch my son, I would obviously respect it if they said they had other commitments) but I guess my whole point of this post was to ask am I being unreasonable asking my partners parents to watch my son but not come to the hospital after I give birth? ( my family will not be coming to hospital either ) I feel awful feeling this way but I just want to feel comfortable breast feeding my baby without people looking at me. Please anyone's opinions are helpful

Not wrong at all! V sensible. Would just ask your DP to support and actively enable your wishes.

Not wrong.
I didn't want anyone pestering me after DC2. -still get slightly upset about how I was treated after 14yo DS was born--.

It is not wrong of you to not want visitors, it is your choice, but I would question if there is anything deeper making you feel that way. My mum and brother visited, as did my husband's parents and his sister, it was lovely to see them after what ended up being a long birth both times and then an even longer stay in hospital as unfortunately I had gestational diabetes which they needed to wait to calm down before I could go home. None of them stayed for long though, even my husbands parents who had an hour and a half drive came in for 20 minutes, went off and had coffee whilst I fed my son and then came back for another 20 minutes.

It might also depend how long you are in the hospital, friends who have had babies in the last two years seem to have been in the hospital around 24 hours.

Thank you all of your replies it's made me feel a lot better about my decision, my partner is super supportive and he knows how overwhelmed I was when my first son was born and he just wants me to feel happy and comfortable. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by making this decision but I've got to do what's best for me and my partner while we bond with baby. I was in hospital less that 15 hours with first born so I'm hoping it's the same so i can get home to my other son :)

Hospitals are not allowing multiple visitors atm and I doubt that'll change anytime soon. Not wrong to want time to settle with baby so just make it clear to people that they can come once you feel ready and not any earlier. Most people will respect your wishes.

It wouldn't be wrong to want this anyway, but with their performance last time around I think you're absolutely right to keep them away.

No, absolutely reasonable.

Can you go to a different hospital so that MIL isn't there? - or can you be clear with her that you don't want it to be like last time?

Just tell them all nearer the time that you don't want any visitors at the hospital and that they can visit you at home instead. I hate visiting hospitals so I'd be glad not to feel pressured to go tbh.

@Skeumorph unfortunately not 😞 as I just live in a small town with only 1 hospital, she is part time retired so hopefully i give birth on a day she's off but I'm sure she will respect my decision when we let her know how I feel, she's always been very understanding of my decision to my face; what she will really think deep down I do not know but I hope she takes no offence!

Lots of hospitals won't be allowing a wide variety of visitors at the moment with covid cases sky rocketing so if needs be just blame it on covid visiting policies within the maternity unit.
It's not advisable to have lots of people holding your little one in the early days when their immune system is so immature anyway.
Tell your midwifery staff that you don't want lots of visitors either and they'll help stick up for what you want.
You're absolutely not being unreasonable.

@Notaroadrunner

Just tell them all nearer the time that you don't want any visitors at the hospital and that they can visit you at home instead. I hate visiting hospitals so I'd be glad not to feel pressured to go tbh.

But she doesn't want visitors at home either for the first few days

Is your hospital allowing visitors? Mine isn't - birth partner only. They've said this won't change until March or so... I had intended to let the in-laws visit me at hospital when we were ready, so they could meet baby but be on a tight time limit, before we went home for a bit. We'll then be taking the advice of the midwife (and just about everyone else I've talked to!) and having a few weeks to get used to being a three.

I don't have parents; so it's not "unfair", and the in-laws are aware. It's not necessarily them - although they are quite controlling and hard work, which doesn't help - but more that I don't like being unwell or feeling vulnerable, and I think I'll feel both of those things when we're learning to feed, while bleeding.

I’m due next week OP and there are no visitors apart from one birth partner allowed so you should be absolutely fine really.

I’m not going to say when we are discharged until we get home and will ask our immediate families to keep to themselves until the next day. I just want a bit of peace and space so I don’t think YABU!

YANBU it’s entirely up to you.

I didn’t see anyone other than DH and the HV for nearly three weeks.

Yes you are
put the others in your shoes.
you can say how you feel and would be greatful for just a very short visit and can visit again in a few weeks for longer as you will be more up to it

I dont think this is unreasonable at all to be honest.
At the moment most hospitals dont seem to be allowing visitors anyway because of covid but who knows what will happen with that come next year?
I know I cant have visitors (due in a few weeks) and i am 10000000% fine with this because this is our first child and it will take some time for DH and I to get used to things.
Ive also said no visitors at home until we are both ready and comfortable for it.
Its your family, your health and your decision. Do whatever feels comfortable at the time. People will have to suck it up and respect your wishes.

@Emma2021

Yes you are put the others in your shoes. you can say how you feel and would be greatful for just a very short visit and can visit again in a few weeks for longer as you will be more up to it

I misread your OP - if its for a few days whilst in hsoptial as others said re covid taking off, easy to avoid but parents etc are excited, if you need to feed, tell them to leave.

Good luck I'm all will be a great and happy event for all.

Baby and I will be kept in for at least 24 hours after birth and I’m slightly relieved that my hospital is (currently) only allowing the birthing partner to visit - the idea of putting on a smile and being polite to hoards of people a few hours after birth sounds dreadful to me.

You are definitely not being unreasonable, make sure your partner knows the script and he can let people know when your wee family are ready for visitors.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

No visitors in hospital is fine but no visitors in the first few days/weeks at home is really unkind to your family.

@yomommasmomma

No visitors in hospital is fine but no visitors in the first few days/weeks at home is really unkind to your family.

Not as unkind as shoving cameras in someone's face 3 hours after they've given birth

To all those saying “imagine being in their shoes…” - I would hate to make someone feel that uncomfortable in such a vulnerable time just so I can see a baby who will be completely oblivious anyway?!?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable OP. Everything can be done at your pace. And if you tell the staff you don’t want to see them, they won’t let them in to visit

God I didn't want any visitors either. It's a special bonding time. Stick to your guns.

I'd prefer to have everyone come to meet baby during hospital visiting hours. No entertaining them, making hot drinks, they have to leave by a certain time. Takes the pressure off as then you can say you want a few days of peace once you get home. But each to their own of course.

Nothing wrong at all, this is quality time that you won't get again once you leave hospital. The maternity ward was very quiet when DC2 was born, my DW stayed in for 3 days while I was home with DC1.
I always find it strange that people need to rush to the hospital to see a new arrival instantly without a care for how the mother is feeling.
In some countries the mother and baby are presented to relatives after 40days alone in the family home.
It's also not good for a newborn to be subjected to so many infection possibilities as its passed around relatives and kissed.
Definitely just do your own thing.