Surprise pregnancy

[nicole1144]

Hello everyone,

Last year I decided to have an abortion after finding out that I was pregnant with my boyfriend. It came as an utter shock! I have polycystic ovary syndrome so I honestly believed that it would be super hard for me to fall pregnant unless I was really trying.

When I found out I had so many mixed emotions, part of me was excited and wanting to keep the baby. The other half was scared and confused. My boyfriend coped very badly with it. He turned to going out and getting drunk almost every weekend and leaving me upset by myself.

He told me if I was to have the child that I would be ruining his life. As I sat there and cried almost every evening that he was at mine (which wasn't many) he would just look at me in such a detached way, he wouldn't even hug or comfort me.

Before my boyfriend had a say, before anyone did, part of me really wanted to keep the baby. I almost felt pressured into having the abortion and even to this day it effects me.

... now this evening, I took a pregnancy test as I'm late on my period and I'm pregnant again! With him! Of course I've had the same reaction, "I want to wait till I'm settled" "I'm not ready" "I want to be financially stable" "this will ruin me" "I don't want it" etc.

Now part of me was happy to see the positive result and the other half of me felt pure dread as I knew what his reaction would be. I'm so torn between everything. I love him and I don't want to ruin his life. But I also want the baby and don't want to go through an abortion again as I had a really bad reaction (ended up in hospital) and it was also just so mentally upsetting for me!

Please help, I need some advice!
Thank you X

I am sure some other posters will be along with better advice, but I couldn’t see this go unanswered.

I don’t think you should allow him to pressure you into having a termination if it isn’t what you want. Do you have support, eg family and friends around you?

What is your boyfriend like generally, is he a supportive partner?

Your body your choice. That includes the right to choose yes. You obviously didn't expect to get pregnant, but I get the impression you wanted to have children in the future. Presumably that was with your boyfriend? Does he want kids in the future, but just not now?
Looked at objectively (whatever that means) then I suppose it would be helpful to know you and your DPs ages and also your financial situation, and how that might be expected to improve without kids, but it is your choice only.
Try and talk to a real person - maybe a counsellor, friend you trust, your Mum, phone the Samaritans even.....don't be bullied into doing anything and being a single mother (if it comes to that) is not so terrible, at least in my experience :) Good luck xx

Thank you for you're replies guys. I'm 23 years old. I live at home with my mum and her bf and my bf lives at home with his family as well. I work at a nursery and my bf works in accountancy. So we both have stable jobs but I wouldn't quite say I'm earning as much as I'd like to be. But then again there's never a right time to have a child. I'm defo leaning much more over to keeping it. I just don't want his opinion to sway my decision x

Surely you wanted this as otherwise you wouldn’t have been so relaxed about contraception a second time? Everyone I know who has been here before is so diligent unless they want it to happen. It’s entirely up to you, your body your choice.

@Whstdoyouthink after the abortion I wanted to be pregnant again straight away. I felt lost. I've honestly felt that way ever since. I guess I thought his mind would change the second time. I'm happy to do things by myself, I just don't want my head to be swayed this time by his opinions.

He's a bit of a drama queen, isn't he? Ruin his life indeed! Babies don't ruin your life -they might change direction a little but that is the worst of it. Another abortion might well ruin your life though since you took the first one do badly.
He doesn't give much thought to your feelings he:d do busy whining about his own.
I can-t say what:'s best for you but I can say it is your decision, not his. Ignore his calculated efforts to manipulate you into doing what he wants. Listen to your own feelings.

I can’t believe you stayed with this dickhead, AND got pregnant again. It doesn’t sound like he’s ever going to be any support. Even though you want the baby, tying yourself to him for life is going to be hard work and stressful.

You have to decide what you do for yourself, without being swayed again. I hope it all works out.

This is a really difficult situation.

When this happened last time, neither of you knew how the other would react or what they would want. You made the choice, under pressure, to do something you didn't really want and you know how much this has affected you.

This time around, you have made a choice that you know he didn't want. Whilst he might change his mind, he might not.

You need to go into this with your eyes open and ensure that if you choose to go ahead, you understand that he may not want to be involved and will do the minimum that he has to when forced to.

Please don't go into this thinking that he'll change his mind at some point. He has the right to not want this, in the same way you do and can't be forced to be a father and take on half the load. You need to be honest with yourself, knowing you could end up taking on all responsibility for this child.

That's not to say in any way that that's a bad thing. There will be hard times but there will also be wonderful times.

My opinion is that you both need to take responsibility for this happening and he only has the right to be angry if you fully discussed contraception following the first surprise and agreed how it would be handled and then you diverted from the plan. He needs to take responsibility for his own fertility.

Are u not on birth control? X

I'm sorry to be blunt, but you have been shockingly irresponsible. Getting pregnant again with a man who you know doesn't want a baby, and is a selfish, self-absorbed arsehole, all the while not having your own home and presumably not enough income to support yourself and a child. Your boyfriend is every bit as irresponsible, as well. This is a very unfortunate set of circumstances.

after the abortion I wanted to be pregnant again straight away

Have you been completely transparent in your intentions? Obviously both people should take responsibility for contraception, but if one party is actively trying for a pregnancy without the other knowing, that’s wrong.

It's completely your choice but wouldn't you want to have a baby with someone who wants one with you? How would your mum react? Would you be able to live there with the baby? Are you financially stable enough to move out if need be? Do you have a good support system?

Leave him. Have your baby by yourself. It'll be hard but an abortion you are not 100% about is harder, as you have discovered, and it sounds like you want a baby. I have a feeling that, if you do terminate this pregnancy, you'll just find yourself in this situation again further down the line.

@Derbee no I was not trying lol, we both decided not to use any contraception. I've tried the pill and everything else and nothing worked for me. We never had sex round my ovulation period either. I knew there was always a small possibility but as I said I have polycystic ovary syndrome so I thought it would be extremely hard for me- as I've been told.

My first advice to you would be, please do not have a termination if you have any sort of feelings of wanting to keep this baby. It's a decision that has to be 100% as you know you will end up regretting this like last time. I have had 2 terminations, not for the same reasons, both my babies had a birth defect that wasn't compatable with life and I was so unwell after my terminations so understand how much this can affect someone's mental health, it's really traumatising.

I will say that it's been irresponsible not to be using contraception, BUT as your partner is the one who clearly doesn't want a baby. He really should have taken precaution and to be honest, what the hell did he expect? It's happened. I think you both need to sit down and you need to tell you partner that you do not want to have a termination and don't let him push you into it this time. This is your body, and your mental health. Ultimately this is your choice. These things happen, you shouldnt be made to feel guilty for wanting to keep a baby xxx

If you both agreed not to use contraception (🙄) then you've been trying for a baby, PCOS or not. And your boyfriend was stupid and naive to expect you not to fall pregnant.

Make this choice for yourself, no-one else. But if you do decide to terminate again, and choose to stay with him, do yourselves a favour and get some reliable contraception in place so you both don't find yourselves in this situation for a third time.

Technically you were both trying for a baby if you weren’t using any contraception, so neither of you should be surprised. PCOS aside, you’d already got pregnant once, so you knew it was a definite possibility again.

He sounds like an arsehole, and you sound desperate to have a baby at any cost. Neither of you is financially ready, you both live with your parents etc. You have to do what is right for YOU, but having a baby on your own, or having a baby with someone who doesn’t want to, both sound equally miserable.

Why not find a relationship where you both want the same things and nobody accuses the other of trying to ruin their life?

Firstly, what I will say is a am saddened by the awful comments this poor girl has received on this thread. She has come to this page for advice, yes honest advice, but do you really think she needs to hear she’s been irresponsible? Or to receive rolling eye emojis? Or to be told that she should have been on contraception? What are you going to do? Give her a slap on the wrist? No, forget it. What this girl needs is advice for the here and now, not that she should of been taking the pill, that’s the past and she is in this situation and cannot change that.

Are you all telling me you haven’t gone back to an ex partner? Even if the situation is toxic? A one night stand? A boy you try so hard to, but can’t seem to let go off? No, well clearly you haven’t experienced heartbreak, and you are one of the lucky ones.

That aside, it is completely your choice, your body, your choice. You do what is best for you. If you know you have a supportive network around you that will help you then I say do what is best for you, and get away from these threads. Who cares that Jane from mumsnet says your irresponsible, YOU DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU!

One thing I will say it, this boy needs a long hard look at himself in the mirror. Sending you love and wishing you all the best! X

@Madleigh23

How can you say all that about op but then say her partner needs to take a long hard look at his self?

Op didn't use any contraception! Its her choice and her choice only to either protect herself or take the risk. She took the risk again 🤷🏼‍♀️. People need to stop using abortion as a birth control. One time is fine if genuinely a mistake but dnt let it happen a second time!

People need to take responsibility for there own action and stop putting it into others! And people need to stop fucking sugar coating life

OP the whole point about PCOS is your ovulation will be irregular, so you can't 'avoid your fertile periods'. Having sex without contraception = trying for a baby. It just is. He knew that was what you were both doing, and it seems pretty clear it was what you were doing but hoping he would change his mind about the outcome.

I think honestly what you need to do now is prepare to be a single parent, and try to figure out the likelihood of any financial support or visitation from him. Make a plan for you and the baby, but don't expect him to be involved at all.

PCOS does not mean you will have any issues conceiving, and you should have realised that from last time. Obviously it means issues can be more likely but its not a given, and if you've been having unprotected sex for a year, that means you've been trying for a year, which is at the longer time of 'normal' for it to take to conceive. But you obviously wanted this baby, and presumably still do. So shift your focus away from him and his reaction, and focus on what you can do to improve your own position. Will your parents be happy for you to stay at home with the baby? If you're a nursery nurse, will you be able to get discounted childcare with your employer when you go back? What is your maternity leave entitlement like? you need to focus on the practicalities, it seems v clear he doesn't want this baby and 90% of the time people don't change their mind on that. So you need to make a decision for you and you alone, not factoring him in, and then he can decide how to respond to that.

1. Because the partner is being verbally abusive towards the girl? Saying if she goes through with this it will ruin his life etc? Excuse me if you have different morals but I believe that is morally inappropriate to put that amount of guilt and pressure on someone. The same as it is to say to someone how irresponsible it was to not use contraception?

1. You do not know this girls life inside out, it’s all well and good being a keyboard warrior telling her about herself, but think before you speak. Is you advice really helping her right now? No! Saying she should of been contraception is no help to this girl right now!

1. She clearly isn’t using abortion as contraception. Come on, that a reach. She’s clearly torn and really struggling right now. I really don’t feel she needs people in their later 40s-50s having a go at a 23 year old! Sort it out!

I’m not sitting on mumsnet and arguing with people because we have different opinions on this topic. You have yours, I have mine.

Just please do not come onto a thread and make someone feel worse then they probably already are feeling. Nicole, I wish you all the best

@LeaBea2589 getting pregnant by mistake TWICE within a year is unacceptable, regardless of your opinion. People are pointing out that it’s irresponsible to carry on having unprotected sex whence ALREADY had an unplanned pregnancy that has led to an abortion and caused the OP upset and trauma. Why do it again? And how many more times is reasonable?

Nothing keyboard warrior about it. It’s seriously unhelpful to encourage a young woman STILL living at home, with an unsupportive boyfriend, to keep carrying on getting pregnant and telling her it’ll all be fine, which some posters have been doing

@ReadyForMaternityLeave do you know what trying for a baby is 😂 CLEARLY NOT. I know I've been irresponsible do I need to be told again by 100 Karen's on Mumsnet? Did I make this post to get slated? No I did not. All I wanted was some advice for a sensitive situation and all I've received is vile abuse. It's actually disgusting. We're women, we're meant to have each other's backs in these situations, not be absolute ass holes. But thanks for your amazing advice! Go stick it up ur ass xxx

@nicole1144 you haven’t had any vile abuse. You’re clearly feeling sensitive if you feel that’s the case. Claiming you didn’t know you could get pregnant with PCOS doesn’t wash the second time.

Keep the baby if you want to, have a termination if you want to. But it’s not emotionally or physically sustainable to use abortion as contraception