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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Work: "Were you trying?"

49 replies

SherbertLemons · 05/10/2021 21:11

I'm going to have to tell my employer I'm pregnant around Christmas.

For context and to set the scene, I work in a high pressure, professional role. Whilst there is never the perfect time to have a baby in any job, in my profession taking a "year off" is never seen as a great career move.

I've only been with the company just over a year but I'm closer to 40 than 30.

I'm lucky as my boss is a very nice person. However, some may say she is over friendly and a bit of an over-sharer at times. I say this as it wouldn't surprise me one bit if, when I say I'm pregnant, she asks me (out of genuine friendly curiosity) whether we were "trying" or whether it was an accident. Sounds weird given the professional setting but I really think she might ask.

My question is, regardless of the fact that we were very much trying, for the sake of my career, my bosses perception of my dedication to the company (and how short a time I have been there) should I lie and say it was an accident, but now I've got over the initial shock I'm really happy and excited.

Thoughts??

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NigellaSeed · 05/10/2021 21:13

You don't have to answer. Just laugh and say "aren't you nosey" or don't laugh and say it.

SethWho · 05/10/2021 21:13

That's a very intrusive question. I'm sure she wouldn't allowed to ask you that.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 05/10/2021 21:15

You're asking about something that hasn't even happened yet.

No one will ever know whether or not this baby was planned so it's up to you how you want to answer the question IF it is asked. Only you can know the environment you work in and whether it would benefit you to lie and whether you're willing to do that.

Dollywilde · 05/10/2021 21:15

I’m pregnant with my second and bracing myself for this as I’m only just back from my first maternity leave.

For what its worth, we weren’t trying, and I’m still planning on shrugging the question off. I suspect it’ll come up because most people don’t plan short gaps unless there’s time pressure and I’m still in my early 30s. I’m practicing my eyebrow raise/smile/‘what an odd question! We’re delighted’ response.

Dollywilde · 05/10/2021 21:17

Oh and while I don’t imagine many will ask directly (although a couple may), I imagine it’ll come in the form of ‘oh a small gap, that’s… unusual’ type comments. I’m planning to laugh and shrug those off.

madamecake · 05/10/2021 21:18

Congratulations! If she’s a good manager she shouldn’t ask, and if she does just laugh it off.

I was asked by a manager when pregnant with my first “was it be design or default?” I just changed the subject as it wasn’t his business.

Kindertonguehappierlife · 05/10/2021 21:18

If you’re going to answer, I wouldn’t lie. You are more than allowed to try for a baby

RosieGuacamosie · 05/10/2021 21:22

Just say “goodness, that’s a very personal question!” Usually stops people in their tracks.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 05/10/2021 21:24

But then again doesn’t a contraception cock up make you look a bit haphazard and disorganised? 😂😂

I remember this debate when my dad asked:-

Planned baby - he would realise that his (29 year old, married for years) daughter had been having lots and lots of sex to try and get pregnant
Unplanned baby - his (29 year old, married years) doesn’t just have dutiful sex to make a baby but instead is bonding her husband for fun!

Mumoftwoinprimary · 05/10/2021 21:25

Bonking! Not bonding - that sounds like something out of 50 shades of grey!

Jonesy88 · 05/10/2021 21:29

I’ve had this question at work, not from my manager tbf, and replied saying it was planned but still a lovely surprise. It seems to cover enough bases without giving anything away.

I too work in a senior professional position and whilst I’m not willing to go into my private life, I did want to encourage being open as i thought it would help later on. Currently 23 weeks and seems to be working well.

peboh · 05/10/2021 21:31

My manager at the time I announced I was pregnant at my previous job asked me the same question. I told him that I didn't see how it was any of his business, as it wasn't relevant to my job role or the changes that may be required now that I was pregnant.

martingrowler · 05/10/2021 21:32

You'd be within your rights to tell her to mind her business but for the sake of relations id go with "not planned as such but a lovely surprise".

Scirocco · 05/10/2021 21:46

"Well, it's a recognised side effect of some activities, so we were aware of the potential for it to happen..."

UpInTheAttic · 05/10/2021 21:58

@Scirocco

"Well, it's a recognised side effect of some activities, so we were aware of the potential for it to happen..."

I love that answer!

SinoohXaenaHide · 05/10/2021 22:03

Don't answer such a rude and inappropriate question. Certainly don't give a lie like you suggest in your op which would be giving away an inappropriate level of personal private information if it was true. I like @Scirocco's suggestion too.

DrWankincense · 05/10/2021 22:05

The best answer I saw was, 'Seeing as we are being personal, it was a complete accident. I slipped and fell directly onto Xs penis haha who'd have thought?'

JuneauBound · 05/10/2021 22:11

I've noticed that everyone in my work who gets pregnant immediately points out that it was an unplanned surprise. Surely they can't all be surprises? And I definitely didn't ask, so I wonder if there's a bit of pressure to say it's a horrible accident as if to say "isn't it too bad this pregnancy is happening to all of us?"
I might do the same - they've obviously got the idea somewhere and who knows what'll happen to the one person who bucks the trend?!

Ozberry · 05/10/2021 22:16

“That’s none of your bloody business haha”

timeisnotaline · 05/10/2021 22:20

And I definitely didn't ask, so I wonder if there's a bit of pressure to say it's a horrible accident as if to say "isn't it too bad this pregnancy is happening to all of us?"
That’s not what they were saying, they meant i never planned to abandon work/you for a number of months. It’s the conflict between demonstrating career commitment and wanting to fit a baby in, because it feels like admitting to planning a baby demonstrates the opposite to career commitment.

sarah13xx · 05/10/2021 22:27

I always found it so cheeky when anyone said anything along those lines. Particularly because if it was an ‘accident’ why would you be telling people it was? It’s the implied thing of it being an accident being a negative thing that you didn’t want, it’s just horrible 🤦🏼‍♀️ Only one friend asked me. She said congratulations and the next message was ‘was it an accident?’.. almost assuming it must be since why would anyone want a baby?! 🙄

I was listening to happy mum happy baby podcast today with vernon kay and when he was asked if they were trying he said ‘we weren’t trying and we weren’t not trying’. You could make it very vague like that

Eve81 · 05/10/2021 22:29

This is so sad that women feel planning for a baby is now taboo. I know there are some women who genuinely do not want children but I hate how it’s become some what non feminist to have a successful career (job) and want to have children.

Congratulations on pregnancy OP and if I were you, I would say ‘yes we were trying for a baby’. Own it, you can still be an amazingly intelligent, competent and brilliant human and want to have a family of your own.

NewlyGranny · 05/10/2021 22:58

Ideal opportunity for the ever-useful answer-a-question-with-a-question response:

"Interesting. Why would you ask that?" See her backtrack from explaining her own nosiness.

"Are you really asking for details of my sex life?!" raised eyebrow, gimlet stare.

That should put it to bed.

ZenNudist · 05/10/2021 23:06

I got this from my boss. I was 31 and recently married with every intention of trying to have a baby. I told him crisply that like everything in my life I planned it. He couldn't say much to that. Saying its an accident makes you look feckless.

My promotion prospects did die a death after I got back from mat leave. I got "I don't mind if I work with men or women I just want a person who can do the job" (not subtle subtext: i.e a man with no childcare responsibilities).

martingrowler · 06/10/2021 07:32

It's funny actually thinking about it, in my last work place we had quite a few pregnancies and people always acted like it was a surprise they were pregnant. The usual jokes about the "fertility chair" that was to be avoided etc etc.

This was professional services organisation with a female ceo who had 4 kids. On reflection it's unbelievable no one felt able to admit that children were in their plan

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