Work: "Were you trying?"

[SherbertLemons]

I'm going to have to tell my employer I'm pregnant around Christmas.

For context and to set the scene, I work in a high pressure, professional role. Whilst there is never the perfect time to have a baby in any job, in my profession taking a "year off" is never seen as a great career move.

I've only been with the company just over a year but I'm closer to 40 than 30.

I'm lucky as my boss is a very nice person. However, some may say she is over friendly and a bit of an over-sharer at times. I say this as it wouldn't surprise me one bit if, when I say I'm pregnant, she asks me (out of genuine friendly curiosity) whether we were "trying" or whether it was an accident. Sounds weird given the professional setting but I really think she might ask.

My question is, regardless of the fact that we were very much trying, for the sake of my career, my bosses perception of my dedication to the company (and how short a time I have been there) should I lie and say it was an accident, but now I've got over the initial shock I'm really happy and excited.

Thoughts??

OP, I was asked this by a boss. I was so surprised I laughed, but after a pause she then repeated the question. It bought me enough time to run through the mental Rolodex of responses I’d read online and say, “Are you really asking about my sex life?” She shut up after that.

Have an answer to intrusive questions ready, then file it away and don’t worry about it. You’re allowed to work and get pregnant: it’s literally a protected characteristic. You’ve done nothing wrong.

I don't think it's a rude question if you've got a good relationship/friendship to be honest.

I think lying makes you look worse than being honest because it makes you look like you can't manage your own contraception at almost 40.

People expect women to have children.

Say whatever works best for you, but realistically responses of calling her rude are not career enhancing even if true!

It would be extremely unprofessional of her to ask you that.

If she does, you just need to practise asserting your boundaries and tell her that is a really personal question.

I like the above approach of laughing and "are you seriously asking about my sex life?" for something a bit more informal.

Or if she has a family you could turn it around and ask her if she planned hers, or if she's planning to have babies in the future if not?

I'm sorry you have to worry about such an inappropriate question from your boss.

I really wouldn't worry about something that hasn't even happened yet and probably won't even happen at all

That way madness lies

Just say "nope". It's what she wants to hear. Shuts the conversation down.

Wow reading through some of these responses... I can't believe how many people have experienced such a deeply personal question

I 100% would not give them an answer, as others have said. I wouldn't even laugh it off I would point blank tell my own manager that it wasn't any of her business.

However if you really want to say something OP, perhaps something generic like:

'Well, we've always wanted a family of our own'

And then change the subject.

That way it doesn't really confirm or deny but shows you are happy.

@JuneauBound

I've noticed that everyone in my work who gets pregnant immediately points out that it was an unplanned surprise. Surely they can't all be surprises? And I definitely didn't ask, so I wonder if there's a bit of pressure to say it's a horrible accident as if to say "isn't it too bad this pregnancy is happening to all of us?" I might do the same - they've obviously got the idea somewhere and who knows what'll happen to the one person who bucks the trend?!

Someone at one of my husbands ex employers used the "unplanned suprise" answer when half the office knew she had been having IVF. I think people take it as the easy answer rather than the other answer which is "I planned to take a year off work", it is the easier answer from a career perspective.

I was actually asked ‘Was it planned?’ By one of the male directors (we have a great working relationship). At the time I found it a bit weird but as times gone on I don’t think he meant anything by it - my response was ‘well I’m married so what do you think?’ And he was like ‘doesn’t always mean it was planned’. Seeing his behaviour since then I think he was just making sure I was ok and that I was happy as he’s been one of the only people at work to check in as my pregnancy is progressing & making sure I’m looking after myself. Also I think he thinks I’m younger then I am 😂 as soon as you get pregnant people just become impossibly nosey!

Act surprised and ask, "Gosh, why do want to know?" then don't answer. I think people usually mean well with this question but you're right, it is inappropriate.

Please please do not answer this question if asked! By answering you are telling people it's okay for them to ask the question and it absolutely isn't! Would they ask a man the same question? I'd bet my life they wouldn't. Therefore it's discriminatory and not helpful to make these people think their question is okay by giving them an answer, or brushing off with a tinkly laugh.

I wouldn't answer the question. It's a rude question to ask imo.

@KateTheEighth

I really wouldn't worry about something that hasn't even happened yet and probably won't even happen at all

That way madness lies

You're a very lucky and rare person if you never worry about things that haven't happened.

If you work in a fast paced high profile role there is every chance your current manager won’t be there and will have moved on by the time you return from maternity leave. I think you are over thinking it, but I can totally understand why! I don’t think men need to worry about such things.

It sounds like the real issue is that this company won't be a very good one to work for when you become a mother.

If you do feel that it has to come across as unplanned I would probably say that I wasn't expecting it was possible in my case but am delighted that turned out to be.

I do think the laughing it off option is best though.

Btw, The idea that not planning a pregnancy is 'feckless' as someone has suggested is pretty ridiculous imo but I guess it all depends on our conditioning in the end. I personally think unplanned is much nicer, and wish I didn't have to plan it because of my age...

Sounds like a response along the lines of “gosh, that’s a very inappropriate question” would be good to have on the tip of your tongue.

I had the opposite issue - a surprise/unplanned pregnancy but as I’d been married for a very very long time and was in my late thirties, many people assumed I’d had IVF and that this was a much longed/for pregnancy, and a few people couldn’t be convinced otherwise! I was also worried because I’d been in the job less than a year. All worked out fine, although it was public sector so people are perhaps a little more aware of how to respond and behave around mat leave.

I would give a breezy laugh and reply "Well, that's irrelevant now really isn't it?" It's none of her business though.

Tinkly laugh and “I didn’t know you could plan these things! It’s not like an Amazon delivery.”

Some people “plan” to get pregnant and don’t, some people aren’t specifically hoping for a baby but have unprotected sex, some have contraceptive failures. It’s a rude question to ask.

I had this when I told work I was pregnant with my second. I'd only been back a few months (2 year age gap between my kids, very normal!) and my boss looked at me with a long suffering sigh and asked if I'd always planned to have them so close together. I replied yes without any hesitation whatsoever.

The bit that really pissed me off is that he himself has 3 kids under 7...but of course that's fine if you own your own company so the mum doesn't need to work

My boss asked that.

I rolled my eyes, shrugged and said sometimes Mother Nature has a funny sense of humour.

He didn't ask anything else.

“We’re very happy” should suffice.

@Mumoftwoinprimary

But then again doesn’t a contraception cock up make you look a bit haphazard and disorganised? 😂😂

I remember this debate when my dad asked:-

Planned baby - he would realise that his (29 year old, married for years) daughter had been having lots and lots of sex to try and get pregnant
Unplanned baby - his (29 year old, married years) doesn’t just have dutiful sex to make a baby but instead is bonding her husband for fun!

Totally agree with this. Not that your boss should be asking anyway it's none of her business.

I worked in a hospital. When I was pregnant on my first baby, the hospital chaplain (who we all knew) approached me and asked me if the father was in the picture???? Just to point out he knew I was married and I genuinely don't have a clue WHY he thought that was a reasonable question.

I told my boss that my second child was unexpected; I’d only just moved to a new role and we fell pregnant on the first month of trying (which was unexpected in fairness) so I felt a bit bad and said that. I slightly regret it now though as I then had to say that to all my colleagues and my son is now nearly 2 and I have to be cautious in case I accidentally say anything wrong

“I’m pretty sure you aren’t allowed to ask me that, Sandra.” And change the subject.

TBH OP you are in for a long pregnancy if you plan to anticipate every question. She would be overstepping if she asked.