I'm losing my best friend now that I am pregnant

[babyjenks93]

Hi there,
My first message here although I always read the forum. I'm 19 weeks pregnant, and I'm over the moon with the fact I'm going to be a mum.
After 10 years of friendship, me and my best friend had a falling out during lockdown, but only briefly. We reconnected and everything was great. We live far apart (she lives in Italy) but we used to text every minute, telling each other everything, every little thing going through our minds. I could re read our conversations and basically remap my life from them since I told her every little thing happening to me every day.
I told her I was pregnant the moment I first knew. She was happy, but after that, nothing. I was incredibly ill during my first trimester, as I have crohns disease and the pregnancy triggered a flare up. I lost 20 pounds and could barely stand. But she never asked me how I was feeling, how I was doing. Never ever. In time, she texted less and less, and I kept chasing her. I thought it was my fault, that I can't ask someone to be excited for my baby. But I was in hospital, miserable and alone (my parents live in Italy as well, and all my other friends and family), and I wished her to care for myself, my wellbeing. A couple of weeks ago I found out I am having a girl. I sent her a text saying "it's a girl" with a picture. She answered with a smiling emoji and that's it. That made me so... sad. I cried on the day I should have been so happy because of my baby girl. My husband was very stern and said if she doesn't care about this then she doesn't care about you, but I can't bring myself to think the same. Since then I tried to speak with her a couple times but now I'm sad all the time just thinking about it, so it's been more than a week with no contact, and that's so abnormal for us. I feel like I have already lost her.
Just to clarify she is not upset because she wants a baby of her own or trying to conceive. She is totally and happily child free and doesn't even understand why I wanted a baby, but that wasn't a problem for us until it actually happened clearly. I just need some outside perspective on this, since my husband is not helping, and I'm terribly afraid of confronting her because I already know whatever the outcome it will hurt so much. Thank you all.

Obviously I don’t know either of you but could it be that she now feels like an outsider? Especially if all her other friends and family have DC. I’m that person and while you try and be happy for friends etc. it’s really hard as, from a selfish perspective you (as the child free person) know the friendship will never be the same again, as everything revolves around feeding/nap times/school pick ups and some people (not saying you) don’t seem to be able to leave their DC to met up with friends. So even days out change, not necessarily for the better.

When you say she is ‘happily’ child-free, is that the truth? TBH, I would have loved to have DC with my DH but we didn’t meet until later in life and it wasn’t possible. I’ve accepted it but while I’ll joke about it and smile, there is a small part of me that wishes we could’ve met 20 years ago.

I am going through something similar with my own friend group at the moment. None of them have children either and they also have been extremely distant since I have become pregnant. Never asking how I am, or how baby is.. but unfortunately we can't expect them to do this, as much as it sucks.

I think what happens is when you get pregnant, your non-mum friends realise how much things in your life will change - your child will always come first, have to arrange childcare if you want to go out etc. If they are at a different stage in their life, then as hard as it is, they may not want to 'bother' trying to make any effort.

I have come to terms with all this recently, and will shortly be joining local classes like pregnancy yoga etc, to hopefully create new friendships with other women who are in the same stage of life as I am. I know it is hard to move on, but try and do the same? As harsh as it sounds, she clearly isn't interested in your life or wanting to speak to you anymore, same as my friends aren't, its just something that is a part of becoming a mum I guess

Your friendship sounded really intense! How did you find the time to text every thought to each other it sounds exhausting! Maybe it's for the best she's cooling off, you're life will change a lot when you've had the baby and I doubt you'll want to update her every second.
Also letting her reaction (or lack of reaction) ruin your day also sounds unhealthy. Concentrate on what really matters, I think you're giving this way too much headspace, sorry!

Maybe this is a friendship that isn't going to last, now that your lives are on different paths. Some friendships are for life, some aren't, but I understand. It feels like grief.

Your friendship sounds intense. That level of friendship is hard to maintain into adulthood.
Maybe she’s just realised she wants to back off a bit and the baby has helped her realise she wants to be less involved in your life. Nothing personal, just people grow apart don’t they!

Hi Chrissy, thank you for your perspective. She is happily child free as much as I know her. She is single, has a brilliant career, has never expressed any desire to be a mum and always criticises parents (her own included) because how irresponsible it is to bring a child into the world when you are an imperfect human being who's only going to give them issues since love is not enough to raise a functional human (I know this sounds harsh, but I love her the way she is and respect her ideas).
I understand she might be feeling like an outsider, but why not telling me. I am not the kind of person who's only talking about pregnancy, and my other friends (all of them non mums) have at least bothered to ask how I was feeling when I was in hospital, and that made me even more sad because she didn't, and I thought she would always be there for me. Now I realise I might be sounding like and entitled selfish person, and I don't want that. So I am trying to see her point of view, but at the same time I can't ignore the fact she has hurt me :(

Hi everyone, thank you for your answers! Yes, our friendship is intense. But I never thought it was unhealthy tbh. It was our way to cope with distance, since we live so far apart.
I realised it was too much when thinking about it and her made me so upset on a day that should have been so happy otherwise. I chose to focus on that, but it's true, it feels like grief. It's true some friendship don't last in adulthood, but I never thought ours was going to be it. We've been so connected for such a long time.

Perhaps you're just starting to drift apart, friendships do this at times when people's lives go in different directions.

Plus it sounds like your previous friendship was unusually intense.

Do you ask about her? Ask how she's doing, respond to the things happening in her life?

I don't have/don't want children. I have a few good friends that have children, and we have maintained our friendships, but it has changed.

I'm going through something similar too so I really feel for you. My best friend was the one who suggested I take a test.. Took a few tests over a period of time and the way she reacted broke my heart. Basically " oh you know those tests aren't accurate.. you shouldn't have told me... let's see what the doctor says"... I was properly hurt.

She texted me a few weeks later when I texted a group that I was engaged and basically, it was " About time.. how's the other thing"

I don't talk about the baby much amongst my friends cause I'm quite a private person and as someone who was told that I'd never have kids I try and keep it to a minimum in case people are going through the same thing but I was there a lot for her during Covid, bringing her food, going for almost daily walks and it's just stopped since she found out.

@BlameItOnTheBlackStar hit the nail on the head. It's like grief !

unfortunately, people are going to react like this and I wish people were more open about communication especially if you thought you were close but we can't control their emotions and all we can do is make sure that we envelope ourselves in who matters to us I guess
Sending you hugs !

She's not as excited about your pregnancy as you are and that's absolutely fine.
Have you asked how she is?
I've been on the other end of this. It broke my heart when my friend announced she was accidentally pregnant. I'd been secretly struggling to conceive for 3 years despite pretending to be happy. My friend was angry that I didn't check up on her while she was feeling sick but I was extremely busy studying and working full-time alongside. Not once did she ask how I was. Everything was about her now she was pregnant.
Just wanted to give a different perspective. It ruined our friendship and I blame her for not stopping to think about what I might be going through.

Maybe @babyjenks93 she doesn’t want to admit certain things to herself. All of us are imperfect after all! It would have been kind to ask how you were and if you are feeling better, I agree.

I am the exact opposite to you; all of my friends have DC and don’t seem interested in anything else. I’m excluded from a lot because of this.

Anyway, I hope you’re feeling better now and that you can make perhaps some new friends.

I lost all my single friends when I had a baby at 21 OP. They just didn't want to know.
It was sad but I made more friends
You need to let this go and concentrate on being happy and excited about your baby.

I lost my two (separate) best friends in the weeks after I announced my pregnancy. It was very very bizarre. Figured maybe they weren't true friends after all. It was sad, but I moved on.

I just wanted to say i also lost my best friend of 15 years recently and i can understand everything you're feeling.

I did confront my best friend though, because their actions became incredibly deceitful and hurtful. I've been ignored ever since and it's been nearly 2 weeks now so that in itself speaks volumes, they also knew i had my first scan that week too but still i heard nothing. As they removed their selves, others came forward and I've put my energy into those friendships instead and they're absolutely blossoming. Please try and do the same and I'm sure your friend will be in touch when she is ready. Once she's ready, you'll have lots to catch up on

I'm still trying to learn how to use the forum so excuse me if I can't tag you individually please but to answer those who've asked, yes, I always ask how she is. It's what I've asked when trying to reach out these weeks. How are you, what are you doing, how's work, or just "tell me what you've done today" which is something we used to text each other. Either she doesn't answer for days, until I ask again, of she answers with one/two words like she's not really interested in talking. And I understand she's busy with work! But this has never stopped us before from talking. @ChrissyPlummer I have been thinking about what you say, that perhaps she doesn't want to admit certain things to herself. I wish she had talked to me instead of distancing herself...

they also knew i had my first scan that week too but still i heard nothing.
Did you consider what they had going on in their life that week? I can see why these friendships fail, the friend who isn't pregnant seems to be forgotten and left behind.

On the other side of this, I've lost friends after they've had children, despite trying to stay in touch.

Sometimes friendships drift when your lives go in different directions. Living in different countries doesn't help either. It is very sad though, I feel for you. Personally I've found its best not to push things once the drift has started, as I only end up getting my feelings hurt.

Hi @Lauren0902, thank you. I have another friend who's been really kind to me while I was in hospital and afterwards. I was so surprised by her kindness, and I've been trying to cultivate this friendship. I hope it can blossom as yours did. Thank you.

@Clara91 I don't ask her to be excited about my pregnancy honestly, I knew from before how she feels about pregnancy and parenthood. But I was really ill with a crohns flare up, and she still didn't ask how I was. Yes, the flare up this time was triggered by pregnancy, but it can be triggered by anything. I will be perfectly happy to keep talking about everything else, if she told me she doesn't want to know anything about the pregnancy. And after I was sick, the only thing I shared was the baby gender, while trying to reconnect with her and asking her everything about her, because I care about her and I'm so used to ask her about her day and discuss what happened to us during our day that is just sad now that is gone. And I have plenty of things to share that are not related to being pregnant, contrary to common belief I'm still a human being and not a walking womb 😂

I’m 36wks OP and honestly wouldn’t have thought to ask a pregnant friend how they were doing before now as I didn’t know what pregnancy is like.

I did go quite distant with pregnant friends/friends with young children when I was TTC as we were trying for so long and I began to get depressed. I know you’ve said your friend doesn’t appear to be interested in having children, but we aren’t all up front about these things. I know women who have been struggling behind the scenes, from the outside they look extremely content, but they’re struggling deep down.

Could you try asking your friend outright if everything is okay with her? I’d be tempted to say I’ve noticed her communication has changed and it’s got me concerned for how she’s doing.

From your update it doesn't sound so much like she doesn't want kids, rather she's decided not to have them. Just because someone has decided they're not going to have kids (for whatever reason) doesn't necessarily mean they wouldn't have liked to have them.
It could be that you getting pregnant has now made her realise that a lot of your conversations etc are going to revolve around your baby, both while pregnant and after birth, it's only natural. She is perhaps trying to protect herself by distancing herself now as it could hurt her to hear all about your baby when she's decided she isn't having one.
She could also be preparing for less contact once the baby is here.

Or, she may genuinely just not be interested in your pregnancy and there's no reason for it. It definitely hurts but unfortunately, isn't something you can change.
How has your relationship been since you fell out? It could be that it's not related to your pregnancy but depending what you argued over she perhaps hasn't fully gotten over it and has decided now, since you've gotten pregnant that she wants to take a step back from it.

As others have said, your friendship sounds quite intense, and therefore would be hard to sustain throughout adulthood, in my opinion. But I can understand how upsetting this must then be for you to have this distance between you. It's ok to grieve a friendship.

As a previous poster also mentioned, I too have been on the other side of this. I had a friend who as soon as she got pregnant lost interest in everything and everyone else. Never asked any of her friend group how they were, what they were up to etc, only ever wanted to talk about the pregnancy/baby and it was honestly exhausting. Being made to feel like every thing outside the pregnancy was too trivial/unimportant to her was very hurtful. It's drummed into us that there's nothing more important, and I get that that is the case for many. But I do believe ppl should not get a "get out of jail free" card if they're pregnant when it comes to friendships. But unfortunately it seems many ppl think pregnancy trumps everything else, and expect others to feel the same and those expectations are unrealistic in my opinion.

I'm not saying that's the case here. I'm sure you do put in the same effort that you're expecting back, but just offering another perspective of the situation.

I've been the one to withdraw from a couple of friends once they had babies. Even before they got pregnant, I'd felt for a while I was mainly friends with them for the sake of old times and that if we met now we would not be mates, but it felt nice to meet up 2 or 3 times a year for a nice meal, and text a bit in between.
After babies and toddlers, it was always me traveling for 7 or 8 hours to see them. No more meals. Just sitting in a flat, talking about nothing but babies and shitty nappies and teething and sick. Maybe a walk to the park if we were lucky. Getting millions of baby photos on WhatsApp and having to say "aww" constantly.
(Incidentally I do have other friends with children, and I'm happy to hear about them, but when that's 100% of the conversation, it's tedious.)
It's possible your friend anticipates your life changing drastically and feels your friendship has run its course now. Perhaps she's had other friends who have changed a lot when they had kids, and if you aren't broody yourself, it can be difficult to understand.

I edited the last post so not sure why my phone posted the unedited version. Anyway, here's the edited one...

I've been the one to withdraw from a couple of friends once they had babies. Even before they got pregnant, I'd felt for a while I was mainly friends with them for the sake of old times and that if we met now we would not be mates, but it felt nice to meet up 2 or 3 times a year for a nice meal, and text a bit in between.
After babies and toddlers, it was always me traveling for several hours to see them. No more meals. Just sitting in a flat, talking about nothing but babies and shitty nappies and teething and sick. Maybe a walk to the park if we were lucky. Getting millions of baby photos on WhatsApp and having to say "aww" constantly.
(Incidentally I do have other friends with children. I'm happy to hear about them, always ask after them, and was happy to chat pregnancy symptoms and labour too, but when it's 100% of the conversation, it's tedious.)
It's possible your friend anticipates your life changing drastically and feels your friendship has run its course now. I can definitely see how it's hurtful to you though. And it doesn't sound like you have turned into someone who can only talk about pregnancy and babies. How was the friendship before? Was it perhaps you giving and her taking, and she'srealised that dynamic probably won't be continuing now?
Also, I'm sorry about your crohns. Someone close to me has it, and it really can be a horrible illness.

@Clara91

they also knew i had my first scan that week too but still i heard nothing. Did you consider what they had going on in their life that week? I can see why these friendships fail, the friend who isn't pregnant seems to be forgotten and left behind.

I didn't want to write a huge script because its not my post, but yes i had listened to their usual dramas (of which there are many) and stories on a weekly basis just like I normally would and had met them that weekend for lunch and drinks which actually went on for 7/8 hours so that was quite good going i thought! I also had them round for dinner a few weeks before and i've tried to reassure them considerably about our future friendship. I hope this explains things in a little more context without hijacking the post. I'm quite a private person and don't speak about my pregnancy much.

I'm actually an older mum-to-be with an unplanned first pregnancy so i know exactly how it feels to be the friend who isn't pregnant - i was that friend for nearly 20 years.