I'm losing my best friend now that I am pregnant

[babyjenks93]

Hi there,
My first message here although I always read the forum. I'm 19 weeks pregnant, and I'm over the moon with the fact I'm going to be a mum.
After 10 years of friendship, me and my best friend had a falling out during lockdown, but only briefly. We reconnected and everything was great. We live far apart (she lives in Italy) but we used to text every minute, telling each other everything, every little thing going through our minds. I could re read our conversations and basically remap my life from them since I told her every little thing happening to me every day.
I told her I was pregnant the moment I first knew. She was happy, but after that, nothing. I was incredibly ill during my first trimester, as I have crohns disease and the pregnancy triggered a flare up. I lost 20 pounds and could barely stand. But she never asked me how I was feeling, how I was doing. Never ever. In time, she texted less and less, and I kept chasing her. I thought it was my fault, that I can't ask someone to be excited for my baby. But I was in hospital, miserable and alone (my parents live in Italy as well, and all my other friends and family), and I wished her to care for myself, my wellbeing. A couple of weeks ago I found out I am having a girl. I sent her a text saying "it's a girl" with a picture. She answered with a smiling emoji and that's it. That made me so... sad. I cried on the day I should have been so happy because of my baby girl. My husband was very stern and said if she doesn't care about this then she doesn't care about you, but I can't bring myself to think the same. Since then I tried to speak with her a couple times but now I'm sad all the time just thinking about it, so it's been more than a week with no contact, and that's so abnormal for us. I feel like I have already lost her.
Just to clarify she is not upset because she wants a baby of her own or trying to conceive. She is totally and happily child free and doesn't even understand why I wanted a baby, but that wasn't a problem for us until it actually happened clearly. I just need some outside perspective on this, since my husband is not helping, and I'm terribly afraid of confronting her because I already know whatever the outcome it will hurt so much. Thank you all.

Fair enough @Lauren0902, my friend was totally different and everything was about her pregnancy or nothing.

@babyjenks93
Your mate could be telling you she happy with life and doesn't want kids but that could be far from the truth, I distance myself from pregnant women as I'm struggling to conceive, with 4 miscarriages and 1 cp and no everyone knows to them I look normal on the outside.

The clear pic is not always black and white so give her time take a step back and let her reach out to you in her own time.

@babyjenks93
Oh and I use to tell people I never wanted kids when I was single, it's a way to protect yourself if you never find that someone.

@Babyghirl, hi, that you for your input. I would be very upset if this was the case. One, because of course I never wanted to hurt her, and if I knew she was feeling this way, I would have been more... tactful, I guess, when I broke the news. But also because I thought we told each other everything. She has listened to me struggle to conceive for years because of my crohns and other health issues. This baby came after so many medical procedures and so much pain. I was in the position where everyone around me was getting pregnant and I just couldn't and I cried and cried feeling horrible because even though I was happy for the people around me, I still felt sad for me. I talked to her about this, and she never shared the same feelings in YEARS. That's why I honestly believe she doesn't want children, or perhaps like another person said here, she convinced herself she doesn't. If this is still the case, then it clearly means our friendship isn't what I thought it was if she feels like she can't talk to me about it :(

@Ghostsintheshelf hi. Thank you for your kind words. We had a big falling out during the first lockdown but I thought we were ok after discussing it. Maybe I was mistaken? Her cousin had a baby about 9 months ago, and she was really happy about her, but then I am not friends with her cousin so I wouldn't know how much she changed. I don't know what else to think, maybe it was a dynamic that she feels like it can't continue, but I am still the same person. I would be happy having her close at all as a person, not as a new mother. But maybe I don't realise the change in myself.

@Lou98 I thought about that after our falling out. The reason was stupid, ofc. I successfully published a novel last year, and I dedicated it to her because she helped me talk through the characters and so many things during the many years I worked on it. I gifted her a copy when it was ready, she said it sucked and I should have never got it published because it was embarrassing. I was so hurt I kinda retreated into myself, wrote another novel without discussing it with her, but at the end I sent her the book before revising. My mistake. After a while she came back to me saying that since I was able to write even without her, I should not bother to involve her at all. I apologised for not involving her in the first place, and she apologised for her dramatic reaction, and we made peace.
We met through creative writing years ago, if that wasn't clear! Writing was always important for me (and for her).
Writing these posts I realise how immature everything sounds, but feelings are so complicated!!

@babyjenks93
Maybe she's jealous of your life, from your relationship to baby to publishing books.
A life she crys out for but has not got. Congratulations on your baby by the way and I hope you get some answers to why she's like that with you.

@babyjenks93 I'm thinking then that this is more about the publishing the book than it is the pregnancy.

Honestly, if a friend of mine reacted like that after I showed them something I'd worked really hard on I'd have been ending the friendship. Of course she can't help it if she didn't like the book but she didn't need to be so rude to you about it and I don't believe she would have if it was a friendship she wanted to keep.

If you met through writing, it could be jealousy from the fact that you've published a book and working on the second one and she hasn't (I'm assuming). Even though she apologised she could be harbouring resentment, the pregnancy could just be an excuse to drop contact for her

This happened to me when I was pregnant and my friend hated that I couldn’t go out etc like we used to, women that aren’t interested in babies are rarely interested in the pregnancies either, it’s not nice but if you aren’t a kid person then it’s just dull to people like this, some people anyway.

You sound like a lovely person OP and not many people find “true” friends so it’s a shame this person really doesn’t value the friendship anymore to continue. It sounds like it’s already over, and for that reason as there’s nothing to lose, I would send her a text along the lines of “I’m sad that we don’t talk as much as we used to. I love our friendship and I want it to continue regardless of what’s happening in our lives. Even though my life is changing our friendship doesn’t have to and I want you to know I still care about you and want to know how you are and what’s happening with you.” As others have said, it sounds intense, but I don’t like how your making an effort and she’s being blunt in reply to you, she either wants to be friends or she doesn’t, and being blunt is almost like welcoming you to question her and maybe suggests she isn’t actually ready to 100% cut you off yet… Why bother replying a blunt message just be straight with each other. So go there, if there’s nothing to be gained, you’ll know, and at least you can then park it and move on with your life knowing you tried.

I do agree with others that she might be feeling pushed out and maybe you don’t know for sure how she’s feeling even though you’ve tried to ask, so that’s why if it were me I’d send her that text pointing out the friendship isn’t quite the same anymore, it’s another opportunity that she might actually open up to you and tell you how she’s been feeling. Xx

I just think that the person having the kid is more likely to have changed. I actually have had few friends similar to your friend. All of a sudden, they had a baby and their ideas had changed.
Having a kid is transforming. To her, perhaps you have changed.
I had friends that came to the babyshower but weren't involved after I gave birth. Didn't ever visit the baby. Also have friends that didn't come to the shower or anything baby related then all of a sudden they were pregnant and had a private wedding then expected me to fulfill their gift wishes on their baby shower registry and turn up.
Even when friends have kids, their family isn't always a good fit for your family and you drift. Sometimes you're close in the first ffew years and then they realise there are gender differences and they don't continue the friendship because they would rather pursue friendships with people that have kids of same gender. A lot changes.

“I’m sad that we don’t talk as much as we used to. I love our friendship and I want it to continue regardless of what’s happening in our lives. Even though my life is changing our friendship doesn’t have to and I want you to know I still care about you and want to know how you are and what’s happening with you.”
I would just stick to a simple "miss you, thinking of you and hope you're well". Mentioning life changing is likely to sting.

Hi OP, I totally understand why you are upset. Have you thought about picking up the phone instead of texting? You can arrange a coffee morning chat on a Saturday morning when hopefully you are both more relaxed and just tell her what she means to you.

But I personally not buying it. Being single and happy??? On the end of the day when your friend goes home from work there is absolutely nobody there for her. Most women say these things to avoid others to feel pity for them but trust me we all wish to be in a loving relationship and have a baby when the time is right. Your friend might be not as happy as you think.

I hope you can patch it up but as others said, friends come and go and you can always meet new people.