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Original poster

Societal gender expectations with subsequent children

41 replies

Jellybeans20 · 05/10/2021 00:12

Is it just me or do you notice that people either subtly or explicitly express their condolences after you have kids of the same gender?

"Next time"
"Another girl..."
"I guess you'll be trying again"

I know people that went as far as not even announcing the pregnancy or birth.

I have also had friends say "one of each. now i'm done" or "i was lucky". What does that even mean? Does it mean that the ones that ended up with the same gender are unlucky? Or that they're not done and have to keep trying? I have family with multiple siblings of the same gender. It has always been one of the most happy households and the siblings are very successful and close.
Why is it a status symbol to have one of each?
I don't get it. Every birth is a miracle and a beautiful achievement.
I was trying to kickstart my adoption journey recently and told a friend we were considering same gender to which she couldn't comprehend why we wouldn't go for a different one. I said I had the gender specific experience and had all the toys and clothes. In reality we are actually open to either gender but the reaction was interesting.

So I'd like to know if you are gender biased and why. If you had any of these experiences when you had kids of same gender. Does anyone have gender disappointment?
People have asked my child what gender they want in a future sibling and often prompt for a particular response which is annoying because they then take that response as an informed adult response and repeat it everywhere. I am currently pregnant which no one knows. So I am thinking about all of this.

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SoundBar · 05/10/2021 00:24

You're overthinking this totally.

People try to have something to say or make comments. Quite often their comments are thoughtless or rude. Hth

HarrietSchulenberg · 05/10/2021 00:44

Well, I do know someone who had 11 boys in the hope of one finally being a girl. She always said she just wanted one frilly dress to hang out on the line with all the rugby kits. She had her children in the 60s and 70s but I've had similar comments about me having just 3 boys.

DramaAlpaca · 05/10/2021 00:53

I have three the same sex, all boys. I genuinely didn't care what sex my children were, I'm delighted to have boys.

As for the comments! You'd think somebody had died the amount of 'sympathy' I got after DS3 arrived. It really pissed me off.

webuiltthiscityonrockandwheat · 05/10/2021 01:18

I hate the whole "are you going to try for a boy/girl next time?" No. If I get pregnant again it will be because I want another baby. Incidentally I have one of each and I do feel very lucky that I get to experience both, I won't deny it but I wouldn't have felt sad if DD had turned out to be a boy, I would have been thrilled. It's weird. It's like no one could possibly happy with multiple children of the same sex when in fact I know many people who are perfectly content

PlasticDinosaur · 05/10/2021 01:26

I always knew I'd have three boys. That was the plan.

I was so confused when my (incredible, wonderful, very much loved) second came out with a vulva and I'm even more confused now people congratulate me on one of each as though it's something I worked really hard at Hmm

Original poster
Jellybeans20 · 05/10/2021 01:57

SoundBar I agree with you that it is often thoughtless and rude.

HarrietSchulenberg That's interesting she wanted to hang up a frilly dress. I've heard that before from a friend. Is it because people want to revisit their childhood or something? Or that some people relate better with their own gender?

DramaAlpaca Congratulations on your 3 boys. I would be happy with that too. It's horrible you were given sympathy. I'm sure each would have given you a special experience too.

webuiltthiscityonrockandwheat Yes I get what you mean about those questions. Some of us are just trying to get pregnant let alone shop for gender.

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Original poster
Jellybeans20 · 05/10/2021 02:14

PlasticDinosaur Congratulations on your family. Again, I don't understand why the special pat on the back for mums who have birthed male and female children.

WHo pushes these ideals? Is it men or the women?

Is there a method to the madness?

OP posts:
BlusteryLake · 05/10/2021 02:34

I think you're overthinking the inane throwaway comments people make on the birth of a baby, but I do agree that the whole "one of each" philosophy is odd. I have a same gender family and much prefer that.

NiceGerbil · 05/10/2021 02:41

Oh just tell them to fuck off.

Or say it in your head, don't respond to their unwanted opinions at all. Change the subject unapologetically.

I do not get this. At all. I mean. It's just totally bonkers.

I think maybe a lot of it is down to what siblings or none growing up, and an inability to imagine anything else.

And this one of each thing? Why???

And people can be so nasty and I mean. What? Why???

NiceGerbil · 05/10/2021 02:46

I had a brother younger brother we were vv close growing up. Went a bit wonky at puberty but back friends 21ish. My most numerous and happy childhood memories.

A 'friend' came out with. I mean just at random.
When it comes to children then really.
Same sex is great.
Older brother for a girl. Brilliant.
Younger brother. I mean. What's the point of him?

ConfusedAngry

Others- to DH. Houseful of women! God you poor bloke.
And all the nonsense about girls are bitchy and evil and boys are hard to control etc.

Bollocks to them OP. Do your thing Smile

tiggerwhocamefortea · 05/10/2021 02:47

I have boy/girl twins and get comments all the time that I've struck the twin "jack pot" by having one of each and that now I don't need to ever do it again. I do get a bit annoyed as actually I do want more and I'd like my children to also have a brother/brother sister/sister sibling experience too

I am incredibly lucky but not because I had boy/girl twins but because they came after 7 losses and multiple rounds of ivf and sometimes it feels like that is second place to others because their sex is more important

ducksalive · 05/10/2021 03:27

I also have boy girl twins and get lots of, "aren't you lucky", "weren't you clever comments".

We never had any more and people also say, "well you had everything you needed"

But I do agree some of it is just people making conversation.

Threebecomesfour · 05/10/2021 03:44

Put it down to inane small talk! Maybe I'm being sensitive but I found I got this a lot when we told everyone we were expecting our second boy. Despite people's reactions, I was thrilled that a/ I was so fortunate as to have 2 healthy, happy babies when so many people are not afforded that privelege and b/ I had all the clothes already sorted 😂
Congratulations OP

NiceGerbil · 05/10/2021 03:48

When a person I know is going to have a new member of the family.

I say congrats how lovely! Exciting!

And if they say it's another girl/ boy/ one of each.

I say that's lovely!

I mean. Obviously?!

hewegoagain · 05/10/2021 07:01

I totally get what you're saying. I'm currently 9 weeks and the few people that know I'm pregnant are all hoping for a girl as we already have DS. I really couldn't care less as long as it's healthy 🤷🏼‍♀️. But I've started telling these people that I'm convinced it's a boy, just because I don't want all the looks and comments of disappointment if it does turn out to be a boy.

HopefulRose · 05/10/2021 07:19

Omg @Jellybeans20 your post speaks to me so much!

Since we told our friends and family we are expecting, we’ve had endless of well-meaning questions about whether we’ll find out the gender and whether we have a preference. One has even said we need to have a boy because there are “too many girls in the family”.

Even if we do find out the gender, I’d be reluctant to share this news because I don’t want relatives imposing their own stereotypes or fuelling competition with others in the family before the baby has even arrived.

I find it so grossly offensive that we would have a “preference” and it shows how encouraged gender bias is. A lot of it is narcissistic (little Princess like her mummy, little terror like his dad 🤮).

IMO any baby that is healthy or has the ability to live a healthy life is a gift and its gender shouldn’t matter.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 05/10/2021 07:27

Incidentally I have one of each and I do feel very lucky that I get to experience both

I feel very lucky I get to experience two different children.

Imo the “different” experience is more to do with them being two different people, rather than having different genitalia

Those who do attribute the difference in their children being solely due to a penis/lack of, always refer back to stereotypes- they get to experience a girl doing girl things, a boy doing boy things, rather than a child doing child things…

Purplesky283 · 05/10/2021 07:47

Yes I’m getting this now. Currently pregnant and I already have boys. Turns out we are having a girl but I actually hate telling people that as they celebrate for me as if that must be all I’ve ever wanted. It really isn’t, we were trying for a baby and what sex they might be hadn’t occurred to me until people started asking if I would find out etc. We wanted another child, a sibling for our current children. It upsets me when people ‘celebrate’ for me, how would they have reacted if it was a boy? Maybe hormonal but it makes me so sad.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 05/10/2021 07:52

This is actually part of our reason for not having a third. We have two daughters... fantastic girls, love a variety of things etc. However we were often asked if we were trying for a boy...

Harlequin1088 · 05/10/2021 07:59

I'm pregnant with my first however my partner has two teenage sons from his previous marriage so, of course, the big thing everyone keeps mentioning is how "nice" it'd be for partner if this baby was a girl as he already has two boys.

Sadly, we had a loss earlier this year that most people don't know about so the thought that we'd be fixated on gender at all when really we just want to produce a healthy baby is actually really hurtful.

My cousin on the other hand has got 4 sons and is still adamant she won't stop until she gets a girl. Like she's trying to scoop the big prize in a lucky dip. I find it so sickening to be honest when I see her four strapping healthy boys that she didn't for a second struggle to conceive being regarded as "not good enough" because none of them had the good manners to be born with a vagina. For people who have had a loss, this sort of attitude is heartbreaking to watch 😢

Youarestillintherunning · 05/10/2021 08:04

Those kind of comments really irritate me. I have one child, a daughter. I'm constantly asked when I'm going to have a brother for her. If i did have another child, there's no guarantee that it would be a boy (obviously) and people seem really put out when I say that I don't want another child anyway. I don't want another child as I am happy with my one, and I found the pregnancy, labour and early months really difficult. I've been called selfish for not wanting a brother for her, because my birth "wasn't traumatic" 🙄

MimiDaisy11 · 05/10/2021 08:31

It’s the assumptions which are annoying. I’ve never mentioned anything about wanting girls yet people assume that’s the way it is.

I know the stereotype is that women want girls and to be fair I do see more of those threads about “gender disappointment” on MN. I don’t get that at all. It seems life is easier for boys (granted there can be other issues).

Also from personal experience same sex siblings tend to play with each other more and be closer. But again everyone is just an individual so there shouldn’t be so much but on the sex.

tuxedocat · 05/10/2021 08:32

I have a son and we are expecting a girl at the end of the year. The amount of pigeon park comments I’ve had! I don’t get it either, but I just roll my eyes and said it really didn’t (and it didn’t) matter what sex we had. I always saw myself as a boy mum so having a girl feels really surreal and not what I pictured. As long as baby is healthy I don’t care.

My auntie on the other hand, had 3 boys. Wanted a girl. The youngest boy is unfavoured and it was very obvious they wanted a girl so I feel for him. I hope he doesn’t know growing up but I think he probably will

BabyBunnyMama · 05/10/2021 08:39

I have a 2 year old DD and currently pregnant with a baby boy. I've definitely had a few of these comments and I am quite adament that I am done with 2 children and get a lot of 'Oh yeah well you can stop as you'll have one of each' ...like that had any baring on my decisions? I am delighted to be having a little boy and brother for my DD but would have been equally as thrilled to be having another little girl and giving her a little sister (probably more so as I never had a sister and always wanted one 😆) not to mention we would have been much more prepared for another girl with hand me down clothes and girly things etc.

I don't understand why anyone would presume people have a burning desire to have children of any particular gender 🤷‍♀️

Newoneagain20 · 05/10/2021 08:57

I have two girls much loved. I have high risk pregnancy, my husband and I really didn’t mind what we got! My eldest doesn’t conform to the pink girly girl & my youngest embraces the glitter & pink but is a very strong female identity and challenges. Passionate about equality for all - she will rule the world, while wearing glittery high heels.

I’m one of 4 - 3 girls & 1 boy - when my Dad had his son with his second wife I asked him as did many others you must be chuffed to finally have a son - his response was no I’m blessed with 4 children he never saw having girls made him less of a man and he is a great father. He actually got quite annoyed that having a son overshadowed his 3 older children & that people thought he was more pleased with the birth of his son over his daughters- he got quite annoyed with it. He now has 3 granddaughters & 1 grandson -all loved equally.