Societal gender expectations with subsequent children

[Jellybeans20]

Is it just me or do you notice that people either subtly or explicitly express their condolences after you have kids of the same gender?

"Next time"
"Another girl..."
"I guess you'll be trying again"

I know people that went as far as not even announcing the pregnancy or birth.

I have also had friends say "one of each. now i'm done" or "i was lucky". What does that even mean? Does it mean that the ones that ended up with the same gender are unlucky? Or that they're not done and have to keep trying? I have family with multiple siblings of the same gender. It has always been one of the most happy households and the siblings are very successful and close.
Why is it a status symbol to have one of each?
I don't get it. Every birth is a miracle and a beautiful achievement.
I was trying to kickstart my adoption journey recently and told a friend we were considering same gender to which she couldn't comprehend why we wouldn't go for a different one. I said I had the gender specific experience and had all the toys and clothes. In reality we are actually open to either gender but the reaction was interesting.

So I'd like to know if you are gender biased and why. If you had any of these experiences when you had kids of same gender. Does anyone have gender disappointment?
People have asked my child what gender they want in a future sibling and often prompt for a particular response which is annoying because they then take that response as an informed adult response and repeat it everywhere. I am currently pregnant which no one knows. So I am thinking about all of this.

I know someone who is one of seven because his Mum wanted a daughter and she had six boys first (including twins). I had two boys and became pregnant again with twins I was glad that they were girls as I think having four teenage boys at one point would of been a challenge.

I have a boy then a girl, I've even been told that that is more prestigious than girl then boy, fgs. When dd was born I had so many comments about how lucky I was not to get another boy. I took everything said to me and smiled... knowing fine well I'm the second of 2 girls. They thought they were complimenting me, but were actually insulting me, I mean, my parents love me to bits, I grew up in a very happy home.

I adore my children and I'm thankful for them every day, that wouldn't have changed had I had the same sex.

BlusteryLake Trust me. I'm not overthinking it There are several articles dedicated to gender disappointment and also societal expectations etc.
NiceGerbil You know what.. I am going to do exactly this regardless of which gender. If its one of each and I get special treatment, it will be F u. If its the same and I get condolences, it will be F u. Love your advice.
tiggerwhocamefortea What miracles they are! I am happy for you. It is heartbreaking to deal with obnoxious comments especially when you spend those months trying then testing. The TTC journey was so stressful. Thankfully it all worked out the month I didn't use the ovulation strips and take the supplements etc.
ducksalive Yes. I also think people make conversation and oftentimes just repeat the nonsense they've heard other people say. I have very "clever" siblings who have both had fraternal twins and I have been made to feel less for my singleton pregnancy. That's a whole other topic.
Threebecomesfour Thank you and congratulations on your beautiful family. It's just horrible people thought it's fine to pass those comments.
hewegoagain Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope you have a healthy and happy pregnancy experience. It's great you're redirecting their thoughts in your own way.
HopefulRose Congratulations on your pregnancy.
I feel like I wouldn't tell anyone the gender either until birth. I will be celebrating this pregnancy. Not for gifts but just because I want to celebrate every pregnancy. However, I feel like sharing the gender is going to become a headache. Ideally, I wanted to keep the gender secret. However, I want to shop and be prepared. I do know that a part of it is because I want to prepare my child so these questions/comments dont get directed at them, which I know it will because it already has even before I got pregnant. We shouldn't have to think this way if we live in a civilised society. How far have we really come?
Nomoreusernames1244 Yes. Gender stereotypes are not great and especially in early childhood. I read an article about living in a world where girls can do most extracurricular activities but certain ones are tailored very much towards girls and boys would feel very out of place or unequal to participate in those. We have a lot of work to do.
Purplesky283 Congratulations on your pregnancy. You are not hormonal. This had me disappointed before I even started trying for a baby. It pisses me off when I see someone else go through it too. A friend cut everyone off during her 2nd pregnancy. I feel like friends are easier to deal with but extended family is worse. I don't know. That might change when I announce the pregnancy.
Aroundtheworldin80moves If you want a third, go for it! If I have the same gender, I am going to find a way to promote it and challenge gender biases. I will have to be super happy. I would have to give myself a pep talk before I go in public and just be like "i have no idea what you're talking about".
Harlequin1088 Congratulations on your pregnancy. Hear hear regarding the heartache you get from seeing people unsatisfied with their lot when some of us have had an uphill battle. I hope all goes well for you. Do you think there is a particular gender that female friends desire above all? I am getting the feeling that in a 2 child family, what is preferred is
1 M and F

1. F and F

and last M and M Youarestillintherunning Your decision completely. And the gender wouldn't matter otherwise as well. You do you xx MimiDaisy11 I agree with you. When these things come up, I often get the idea that women desire girls. I find it easier to find a fashionable outfit for a girl or a cute toy for a girl. For boys, I have to look harder. Little boys are still kids yet mainstream clothes are often gloomy and basic. Superheroes actually look evil or aggressive. Monsters, dinosaurs, pirates, knights, dragons, hammers and so on. Its always possible to find a peaceful and inviting toy/clothing for a boy but it's not always readily available. Girls tend to have these unicorns, ballerinas, ponies (although decades ago this wasn't marketed as mainly for girls), tea sets. These things are peaceful and in soft cheerful colours. tuxedocat congratulations on your pregnancy. Yes, it doesn't matter what the gender is. Good on you for reiterating. I need to arm myself and be ready for when people come at me. BabyBunnyMama congratulations on your pregnancy. I can't understand why people would think that's why your done. I would actually love to have a number of children.

Thank you all for your comments and sharing your experiences with me. I definitely feel like I have a number tactics under my sleeve to deal with this as well as some better understanding. Congratulations to all of you on your journey and the beautiful children you have or are about to have. Hope your kids stay healthy, happy and safe. Good luck.

Yep! I have three boys, and am pregnant (don't know what it is yet). I have lots of people concerned for me that I might not get the girl that I naturally must want.

They can fuck off.

Newoneagain20 Sounds like a very beautiful family. Bless. Your dad sounds like a great rolemodel.

womaninatightspot - It's beautiful. I would love to have several kids.

MajorNeville That's definitely an insult. I am also from an all same gender family. There is a sad prestige attached to it and people with same are often made to feel less. I would be happy with anything but don't want other people's attitude to be a cloud hanging over our lives. I wouldn't want to be on alert everytime I'm around people and be ready to snap and defend. That's a burden itself. Hopefully, society just gets fixed overnight.

Congratulations all of you on your beautiful families and wishing you much happiness and good health.

mumofmunchkin Firstly, congratulations with your pregnancy and all the wonderful children you've been blessed to have already. Yes totally the people saying that to you can F off.

I hate this so much.

I’m currently pg with my 4th girl and am dreading telling people when she’s born. My mum has actually said that a boy would be nice this time 😩

Actually, I just want a healthy baby. I’m happy with all girls and I would have been happy with a mix. It’s one of the things in life you can’t influence (unless you have a lot of money!)

I hate it, while pregnant with my 3rd lots of people would say it would be nice to have a girl in front of my two boys as if they weren’t nice! Really annoyed me! We went on to have a ....boy! He’s gorgeous and unique and my last and I will never be sad he wasn’t a girl....I’ll leave that to the people around me to be upset about! Maybe some people just feel the need to say something but they really need to think about what they are saying especially in front of children! I hope you have a fantastic baby whatever the gender! X

I'm currently27 weeks pregnant and don't know what I'm having. I already have a boy and everyone seems to assume I want a girl / say I bet you're hoping for a girl. We had 3 losses before this pregnancy, 2 at 13/14 weeks and even people who know this say it! I honestly just want a healthy baby. My only slight reason to want a girl is that DS name was such a front runner that I'm struggling to find a boy name. But we'll find one and it will be perfect for another boy I'm sure. I honestly don't care, I just want my baby to make it.
My sister had 3 girls - each time didn't find out the sex and as PP said you would have thought someone had died the way some people reacted when her 3rd daughter arrived. Lots of people expressed sympathy for her "poor husband" 😡. Who was over the moon with 3 girls!

My mum always wanted girls. She got 3 girls (then after a big gap one boy). She said even after my second sister was born people were saying it was a shame she didn’t have a boy, and she got told “Don’t fill your house up with girls trying to get a boy!”

Other people’s expectations of what you must want are so weird. A co worker of mine kept telling me she had a feeling I was gonna have a girl. She was really excited about it. When I told her it was a boy she frowned and asked me expectantly if I was disappointed. I wasn’t but she clearly was! And I’ve only got the one!

I agree OP it's really bizarre. I have friends with a girl and a boy who consider themselves 'lucky' which I find just odd. Who's lucky - the parents or the kids? It strikes me it's just a selfish want of a parent to want one of each and quite ridiculous.

Especially as people know how science Works it's just stupid

I agree op. Cannot get my head around it. Have a DS and expecting again. Obviously I just want a healthy baby but if I had a choice I'd choose another boy as I think it would be lovely for DS to have a brother. I know he could end up with a sister with whom he has a great relationship. Or he could end up with a brother he doesn't even get on with 🤷‍♀️ all comes down to personality really doesn't it.
Plus I have hundreds of pounds worth of boys clothes I'd love to get another use out of 😂 this will be our last child.

Just thinking about it growing up in my head ide always have different gendered children. However I have an 18 month age gap between ds1 and dd and when pregnant with dd I actually thought another boy would be easier being so close in age.
I did get the comments "one of each"
I must admit though when I was pregnant with ds2 I did have comments "because you've got one of each it doesnt matter what you have"
It never mattered anyway but it seemed it was definitely other people who were more bothered by my dc genders than me.
I just wanted a healthy baby.

This doesn't apply to me as I am most likely not having another after my DD (horrible after birth experience and not sure I can mentally cope with another pregnancy) but funnily enough I asked my dad this when I was around 16. He has three daughters, myself being the youngest.

He turned around and said he didn't even think about it. That he had three daughters and that was it. There was no sense of loss that he never got a son. The only comment he made was that as a result, the surname would die out but it wasn't said in a sense that he felt sad about it, just stating a fact. Funnily enough it hasn't actually died out as my sister hyphenated her daughters surname, but he said it as an off the cuff comment and not in any malicious/sexist way.

For me, as I grew up with sisters if I did end up pregnant again I would hope for another girl just because I had a great relationship with my sisters and its the same now. That's only based on my experience though, so it's not like I would be bummed if it was a boy either.

It was assumed I'd 'completed' my family after having my DS then 18mo later, my DD.
I remember even when my ds was still a matter of weeks old I had family members asking if I was going to 'try for' a sister for him.
When DD was born I developed depression and anxiety and was really struggling looking after a newborn and a toddler.
I was told by my Mum I was living the dream having a boy and a girl and people in my situation would think themselves the luckiest person in the world so I should get over it. Oooh and look at poor Jayne down the road who has a boy and is expecting ANOTHER boy. Imagine how Jayne feels!!.

Currently pregnant with my 3rd boy and whilst most people have been lovely about it, other people with their expectation that I MUST want a girl and be disappointed with a boy are just so fucking weird. I've had it since I had DS1. Ohhh you'll be trying for a girl next. No, no I won't. If we want a baby then we're trying for a baby.

I had 2 miscarriages before finally staying pregnant with this 3rd boy and I actually had someone say to me after my first miscarriage that she hoped it wasn't a girl that I'd lost. Like it was totally fine if I'd lost a boy. I haven't spoke to her since.