I want to get pregnant so badly because I would like to be become a mother. but I'm frightened and alone. I'm also scared I wont have the resources for this child.

[depressed01]

I dont know what to do. I just seem so conflicted with my predicament. So basically I'm a virgin and 22 years of age. I havent officially dated anyone but I really would like a baby. Tbh I just want someone to care for and give me a purpose in life.I feel so depressed that I will most likely end up alone and unloved the way things are going.i didnt really want a baby I wanted a boyfriend but I just dont feel good enough for one tbh.i feel stuck and havent got anything to show for it.ive got a few problems mental health wise and I'm not secure money wise. What makes me scared is what the world will be like when they grow up and what type of person they will be. I dont think I could ever forgive myself if they were an evil person. I'm not entirely sure if I can do it alone either. I just feel so sad and lonely that this is what my life will become if I dont meet someone. I'm considering sperm donation but I have no idea if I'm really cut out for it and I'm making the right decision. Because you cant change your mind once you do it.i feel so alone rn and am struggling to find my purpose.

You’re very young, don’t worry about things yet!

It sounds like you need some support for you, before you have to support a baby.

Having a baby to fill a gap in your own life is a bad idea for you, and for any poor child born with that weight of expectation (and lack of resource) around them.

You need to work a lot on yourself rather than expecting a baby to solve all your fears. You're 22, not 42. Time is on your side to become a mother when you're ready for it

Op, you sound lovely. You need to be ok with you before you you become a mum, because being a mum is emotionally hard. Children need so much time and emotions. You are younger so you have time. Get some help for you so you are ok then see where you are at.

You need to temporarily forget the idea of having a baby and get some help for yourself. It's not so unusual to get to 22 and not have had a relationship. You're still very young. Please see your gp and ask for some help.

A baby does not make an unhappy life better-if anything you will feel even more alone. You need to work on your life, your social life, work and finances- people (friends/ boyfriends) are attracted to happy people, focus on making yourself happy OP.
What’s your day to day life like OP ?

Don't have a baby to full this gap
They are expensive
They are needy.

Get a dog.
Might help you meet someone
See a counsellor to work on your self esteem
Do you have job?

Thanks everyone for such kind comments I really appreciate it. I for some reason just dont feel like time is on my side. I feel like I have to rush things because one day I might not be able too. I have no Idea why i feel this way.i just dont want to end up alone as a pensioner with no one to talk to. I feel like for some reason or another I wont get a chance to meet someone. I have had this feeling forever. But i havent been able to pin point as to why. I do have some self esteem issues so that could be the case. Maybe I'm just over worrying about the future

OP, your depression is clouding your judgement so much. This idea is insanity. Think about it this way - your baby deserves a mom who is happy and healthy and stable. You can't give from an empty bucket. How about focusing on your mental health and your self esteem for now? There is no rush, you deserve to experience the exuberance of youth and freedom and figure out who you are and if you're suited for parenthood. And you might find that life looks much different at 25 or 30. I was you at 20, zero dating experience, depressed, thinking there was something horribly wrong with me. I grew into myself during uni, started having fulfilling relationships, building independence and financial stability. Now at 30 i am an entirely different person. So accepting of myself, so much more self respect and assurance, in a lovely stable relationship. It gets better. You just hang in there for a little longer. Seek therapy if you can and go and explore life and yourself for a bit. Parenthood is forever. There's no undo button. Single parenting is twice harder. You and your one-day baby deserve so much better.

You need to fix yourself, because a baby can’t fix you and your problems. If you don’t believe that you’re good enough for a boyfriend (a grown adult man, who can look after himself), how on earth could you believe you’re good enough for a baby? Raising happy, healthy, secure and successful children doesn’t happen by accident or on a whim, it’s very deliberate care and preparation, dealing with our own troubles before we commit to having them, ensuring that we can always, always put them first and fix their problems, and not expecting them to fix ours.

You absolutely should NOT bring a baby into the world, which by your own admission you aren’t sure if you can even support.

What help are you having for your mental health problems?

i just dont want to end up alone as a pensioner with no one to talk to.

A baby won’t stop this from happening, by the time you’re a pensioner they will be independent, living their own lives, they could live on the other side of the world.

This isn’t a good enough reason to have a baby. People don’t exist to keep their elderly parents company, it’s nice if the relationship is good enough for that. You need to learn to be self contained and self sufficient.

You’ve talked a lot about what a baby can do for you, but very little about what you can provide for a baby.

I don’t think it’s unusual to feel like you want a baby at your age OP. Some people don’t feel broody until later but I really really wanted a baby at about your age. I waited another few years, because I needed a few things sorted first -in my case that was; a job that would give me access to maternity pay and something to go back to afterwards, a (rented) apartment big enough for the 3 of us, and a little more reassurance about the long term stability of my relationship. It sounds like you need some more time to sort out the things you will need to feel safe and secure with a small baby. Have a think about what those things are for you and start working towards them - would you rather raise a baby as a couple? If you’d rather raise a baby alone what would you need in terms of practical help and support and who might want to do that with you? Where would you like to live? Are you working at the moment? Do you like your job? Is it something you could fit around having a family (with childcare in place, obviously). What are you doing to manage your mental health difficulties? Is it working for you? Do you want/need some more help with that? Wanting to be a mother is not unreasonable at all but it sounds like you know you’re not ready yet in terms of the practical things. Oh, and being a virgin at 22 is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm not having much help for my mental health problems. I was on a medication that made me feel terrible every day. And I decided that I wanted to quit it on my own accord because the way I was feeling I didnt want to live if I had to live like that. I suppose i just thought that if I had a baby I would make friends and have something to talk about with other moms and I thought that I could sort of make my child everything that I wanted to be but I know it doesn't work like that. And sometimes It gos wrong ect. But i just cant help but feel a tad jealous when i see expecting mothers or happy couples because i dont want to end up alone in this world. I'm not exactly clever so I'm not automatically going to get or achieve a high paying job or even achieve stuff even for my myself. So it's not as if I have that to look forward to. I also wanted something to look forward to tbh. I feel a bit lost and confused

Take some time to get to know yourself first and to like yourself. A baby is not the answer and cannot fill the void you want it to. I had my kids in my late thirties and can honestly say it is the hardest thing I have ever done. Parenting is relentless and lonely at times. Work on yourself first, build yourself up, make relationships with others. As a pp said try a pet if you want unconditional love.

I do have a job but its minimum wage and part time.my job is okay but it's no where near enough to support both me and a baby. But I'm trying to sort that out by perhaps getting another job along side the one im doing to even things our im just terrified of not achieving or making my life meaningful in some way or another.i dont have childcare in place but I figured my parents could help and maybe my sister.but I dont really want to put the burden on them tbh because I know it's not fair. She has her own kids but I figured we could help each other out tbh I havent really thought that far ahead.

Oh good god no. I don’t know what sort of hurdles you have to jump through to get a sperm donor but I don’t think you’d pass them anyway. Perhaps you could get a rescue cat? Or a hobby? Or a full-time job? Might help you with your self esteem and help you to meet some new people.

Do you ready care for your sister s kids? How often? What do you know aBout a newborn?

You have time to learn and train and get better job
Then in 10 years you can think about babies

@depressed01

I do have a job but its minimum wage and part time.my job is okay but it's no where near enough to support both me and a baby. But I'm trying to sort that out by perhaps getting another job along side the one im doing to even things our im just terrified of not achieving or making my life meaningful in some way or another.i dont have childcare in place but I figured my parents could help and maybe my sister.but I dont really want to put the burden on them tbh because I know it's not fair. She has her own kids but I figured we could help each other out tbh I havent really thought that far ahead.

Sorry @depressed01 but your life right now is not what a baby needs in order no thrive. You can't support a baby on a part time minimum wage job. And in order for a kid to grow up emotionally healthy they needs parents who are emotionally mature, stable and available.

A baby is not a toy, and it's immensely selfish to create one with the sole purpose/expectation that it would fill the void in your life.

Becoming a parent should be equally about what you are able to give, not just about what you expect to get.

Having a baby won't give you someone to talk to.

It will give you someone to scream at you, to wake you up at 2am, and 3am, and 4am and 6am.

It will give you someone who's uttely dependent on you, to the point that you wonder how the fuck you're expected to even shower or make something to eat.

It will likely make you feel like you're going mad from tiredness and that you have lost your identity as a person.

It will make you feel alone and isolated as you are no longer free to just leave the house.

It will make you feel pain like you've never experienced before.

As mothers we endure all this because it's worth it at the end of the day, but it's really fucking hard even if you do have money and support. If you don't, it can feel like a living nightmare.

There is a reason the Mumsnet mantra is "this too shall pass". It's because there are a lot of really awful times that feel like they're never going to end, and if we allow ourselves to think that we'll totally lose the plot.

I expect you'll be a great mum one day. But running headlong into it as a solution for loneliness or lack of purpose is a recipe for disaster.

You owe it to yourself and your future children to get yourself in a stronger place before having them. You don't need to worry about time running out for another 10 years. I had my first at 34.

Shelve this idea for now, as there's no going back once you've done it. Work on finding some purpose, so you can show your children what a good life is like.

Have you considered volunteering, perhaps one day a weekend or one evening a week, doing something more interesting? That's a good way into a better, more rewarding career. What interests do you have?

I think it’s really important to see having a baby as something you want in life - an important part of what you imagine your life to look like, perhaps the most important part even. But it’s unlikely to be an effective way to fix things about your life at the moment that you don’t like. Often it’s harder to make friends with a baby, because it’s still an effort to get to know people and it’s still awkward and difficult starting conversations with people you don’t know, but you’re now sleep deprived and it takes a whole hour to get out the door with your baby somehow. And they don’t stay babies for very long! Can you imagine your life at 33 with a 10year old child? Taking them to school and to friend’s parties and football practice or girl guides or swimming club?
You don’t need to earn 6 figures to have a happy life. But you’re right that part time minimum wage is probably not enough for a comfortable life as a single parent.
Honestly OP, you mostly sound lonely. Are you interested in any jobs that would get you in contact with more people? Would being a carer be an option? Or working in retail or hospitality in a role that means you get to chat to regulate repeat customers - like working the check out in a supermarket or in a pub. Obviously not all customers would want to chat but there are alway a few that do. Would you enjoy working as a hairdresser or a beautician? You probably need to do some training for those kind of jobs but they are definitely jobs that traditionally involve plenty of talking with clients.

You're 22! Take it from someone who had 2 kids by the time she was 23, don't rush into things, take your time, live your young life without the stress and worry of having children. It's not quite the lovely cuddly ride you seem to hope it will be, especially with a baby and possibly even more difficult alone (well depending on your partner).

I do have an interest and hobbie in art and design as well as crochet and knitting. But I'm not very good at knitting or crochet I just cannot focus for the life of me and since my illness has hit me I'm no longer any good at art. I was okay at it but nothing special. As it turned out. I no longer have the patience,perseverance or focus to do it and it's the same with all my hobbies really. I just feel like giving it all up and giving it to someone who is actually good at it with the skills that I dont have. I have volunteerd at a charity shop but I didnt agitated all the time because I was on said medication that made me feel agitated all the time and I felt like I needed to escape because it wasnt stimulating enough. I suspect I might have a touch of attention deficit disorder as I find it extremely hard to focus even more so now that I've gotten older and things have afflicted me. Unfortunately their is not many places that I can go to since I dont drive and I'm terrified of driving so I would have to take the bus. I tryed to volunteer at and animal shelter near me but I had all these ridiculous fears and intrusive thoughts that I would do something terribly wrong like say for example accidentally let out an animal and I would get very upset ay this thought. or upset someone so i didnt. Turns out they didnt have any spaces left.

@fiveleftfeet is spot on.

If you're lonely, a baby will make you feel more alone not less. You'll struggle with the costs of childcare on minimum wage so even getting out of the house to work may become a challenge.

Where do you live? If it's with your parents, you can't plan to introduce a baby into someone else's house. That's just not fair.

Focus on you and build your career prospects and support network first before having a baby.

I don't regret having my DC for one second but there are a lot of things I would have done first if I could go back in time. What I didn't realise (and I was a lot older than you when DC came along) was just how little time I would have to focus on myself and my aims and goals in life. Achieving anything non-DC related often feels like wading through treacle due to being tired and stressed the whole time from balancing everything.

But if you have all these anxieties about caring for an animal, surely they’d be even worse when responsible for a baby?

You are not in the right space to care for baby.

Start with hamster.

Go back to gp
Get some therapy
Find a hobby you stick to where you meet people.
Park run ?

You need to address your anxiety and self-esteem before bringing a DC into your life. You need therapy, not a baby.