I want to get pregnant so badly because I would like to be become a mother. but I'm frightened and alone. I'm also scared I wont have the resources for this child.

[depressed01]

I dont know what to do. I just seem so conflicted with my predicament. So basically I'm a virgin and 22 years of age. I havent officially dated anyone but I really would like a baby. Tbh I just want someone to care for and give me a purpose in life.I feel so depressed that I will most likely end up alone and unloved the way things are going.i didnt really want a baby I wanted a boyfriend but I just dont feel good enough for one tbh.i feel stuck and havent got anything to show for it.ive got a few problems mental health wise and I'm not secure money wise. What makes me scared is what the world will be like when they grow up and what type of person they will be. I dont think I could ever forgive myself if they were an evil person. I'm not entirely sure if I can do it alone either. I just feel so sad and lonely that this is what my life will become if I dont meet someone. I'm considering sperm donation but I have no idea if I'm really cut out for it and I'm making the right decision. Because you cant change your mind once you do it.i feel so alone rn and am struggling to find my purpose.

Yeah I do see your point of view about it taking alot of effort to talk to other moms when you have a baby but i figured that since i would have something to talk about and people would want to chat. People talk to me.i already work in retail but most people dont want to chat and I dont have many people skills if I'm being honest. I never had any friends in primary or secondary so it has taken me a good while warm up to people and chat even in the job I have now. I was terrified when i started but it has taken me nearly 3 years and medication to get out of that habit.

Hello lovely, I really think some therapy would be a great thing to help you find focus. This is expensive but a LOT cheaper than a baby. I would imagine you have difficulties with your relationship with your own mum and these feelings need unpicking.

Do you have any older women that you know and admire, who could maybe “mentor” you a bit? Maybe talk about their careers or lives and give you ideas for what your future could be like?

I sort of thought that since the baby was mine well I thought that I would take amazing care of it and i wouldnt let the child out of my sight. So it would be okay. Tbh I didnt think of it that way.

Do you think there is part of you that wants to be that baby and needs that love? Because that’s often what happens. Therapy might help you give yourself the love you need.

I do still live with my parents yes. I was hoping that perhaps it would give me incentive to get out and work harder for a place of my own. I know it's not that easy. But what can you do

@depressed01

I sort of thought that since the baby was mine well I thought that I would take amazing care of it and i wouldnt let the child out of my sight. So it would be okay. Tbh I didnt think of it that way.

That s not healthy either Or realistic. See g p again Get some good counselling

Your retail job is a perfect place to practice people skills. Do you have colleagues who ate good at small talk with customers? How do they start conversations?

Please get help for your mental health, then work on who you are, you are only 22, you have potentially 20 years + to meet mr right and have children. At 22 many people haven't had a relationship.

I have considered a therapist before but Its a lot of money and I dont know where to look tbh. Yes I did have problems with my mother at a young age becouse she was working all the time and didnt have alot of time to talk to us. My mother was never very maternal either. She used to ignore me constantly and it really messed with myself esteem. Probably because she was busy and didnt have time to talk. We are okay now that I'm older but she seems to pay alot of attention to my neices and nephews and I feel like if I dont have kids soon I'll miss out on that.i havent been sleeping very well recently or eating healthy so Il l try and change that so that I can get my mental health in check

Your children won't be forever grateful that you brought them into this world, no matter how great you are at parenting they will probably, at times, tell you they hate you. Children are absolutely no use when it comes to fixing the bits of your life that you aren't very happy with. I love my kids to bits and can't imagine my life without them, but they often hold up a mirror (and magnifying glass) to the aspects of my own personality that I'm not entirely happy with.
If you were 42 I would consider sperm donation and going it alone, but at 22 you've got so many years to enjoy yourself and find someone who it'll be fun to have kids with. Revisit the idea if you don't meet anyone in the next couple of decades.

OP, I've felt very similar to you in the past, but you likely have masses of time yet to have a child. If you are truly worried about your future fertility I'd suggest saving up to have some blood tests and a scan at a fertility clinic (AMH, FSH, LH and 21 day progesterone blood tests and AFC scan) but this would likely cost a few hundred and you would be a lot younger than most women having these fertility checks.

Btw there's nothing wrong with being a virgin at any age - it may be your depression that makes you feel unable to have a relationship yet or you might be grey-ace/on the asexual spectrum. There's no rush to get a partner.

If I were you, I'd make focusing on improving/getting help with my mental health a priority at the moment instead. Pregnancy and a new born will likely make the depression worse unfortunately (all those hormone changes in your body and a lack of sleep). I personally didn't risk trying for a baby on my own until my mental health was much better and I had a support network in place to help.

In time if you are still single and in a better place (your mental health has improved and you have savings or a flexible job for maternity and a steady support network of family or friends), then it might be worth joining the UK Donor Conception Network charity to help thoroughly research the pros and cons of having a child as a Solo Mum. Most women (like myself), only go down this route in our late thirties when time is running out, fertility wise.

I hope your mental health improves soon - even though I really don't think having a baby (yet) is the answer, you aren't the only one who has ever felt this way .

depressed01 you are expressing a lot of disatisfaction with your life.

Do you think that maybe, what you really want is change?

It sounds like you want the possibility of love, purpose and the drive to move on in life e.g. getting your own place?

These are all very worthwhile life goals.

Having a baby now, won't help you achieve those goals, though, it'll make them harder, please trust me on this!

Could it be helpful to recognise this as you really wanting change, and start thining about what positive things you can do to make your life more enjoyable and full?

I agree with other posters, your mental health is a priority. You say you think you have ADD. I do too! (They call it "ADHD inattentive" type, but it's the same thing) I was diagnosed in my 40s. I wish I'd known sooner. I got diagnosed by going to my GP. He told me there's a mental health service in our town,. I could have just self referred, I didn't know. So I did that, spoke to someone which was the first step to getting diagnosed (about a year later).

Can you speak to your GP?

As for the anxiety - you're still young, there makes it more likely you might find some free therapy in your area. There is sometimes funding for mental health projects for under 25s in some areas, or at least there used to be.

Perhaps you could speak to Mind and ask them if they know what services are available for young people in your area?

www.mind.org.uk

I mean this kindly, but having a baby is the worst thing you could do at the moment. You’re young, and you have plenty of time. You are not in a place to take care of a baby, and raise a child, either physically, financially or mentally.

The best thing you could do is focus on yourself and your mental health. Happiness, relationships, commitment, financial security, and babies can all follow at a safe distance behind.

Start with you. You sound like you need to focus on yourself and make yourself the priority at the moment.

I remember feeling like this.

Had a DC with all the best intentions.

Gave them a good childhood, despite the odds stacked against us.

But he turned out to not be a nice person. After incidents where he's hit me and been verbally abusive we are now minimal contact.

So don't do it to quell loneliness, there's nothing lonelier than having a DC you don't feel safe with.

Please don't have a baby and definitely don't get a dog as someone suggested either. As many posters have said, it sounds like you need some support with your mental health. Speak with your GP and ask for a referral to your local talking therapies service (or check online - you can self refer to lots of them). Also have a look at the Mind charity website - they have lots of free drop in/group sessions across the country which may have started running again now and you might find helpful for support. Meanwhile try and involve yourself with local groups/activities to make your days more meaningful. You will likely meet people through these which may help you have a better support network around you as well.

People don’t automatically talk to you when you have a baby, you can go to a baby/toddler group & be completely ignored. You can go on the school run & be completely ignored. Others parents won’t automatically talk to you as it sounds like you think this is a given.

I think you are depressed & unhappy with life but you are 22, go back to college & learn something / do some training. Join a group or 2, running / netball / hobby group. Go full time instead of part time. Start saving as much money as you can. Go back to the nhs & try some different medication or self refer for counselling. Do not just have a baby as it won’t fix anything lovely, it could just make it much, much worse x

I opened the thread because some of your post applies to me. I'm desperate for a child too. But I'm 44 and running out of time.

You're very young and you've got a lot of life ahead of you and plenty of time. It's better to be in a place where you can love yourself first because a baby needs you to be in a loving place where you are feeling secure enough to be able to give it the security it needs to grow up feeling loved.

I would focus on you for the next few years and working out what you need to feel happy and secure. You will then be in a better place to possibly have a relationship if that's what you want. Having a child is a huge responsibility and yes we bring them into the world because we want them but it shouldn't be to fill a gap in ourselves because that's a difficult and unfair burden to place on a child.

There is so much more to do before having a baby.
Friends are a great source of fun in your early 20's.
Babies don't make life easy, it wouldn't be fair to have one now when you've no security.

As previous posters have said, babies - and the children they grow into - make life a thousand times more complicated, whatever age you are. Add into the mix that you aren’t in a good place mentally, you don’t have a home to live independently with a child, nor the finances to provide for one = many more complications and heartache, I’m afraid.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but in no way are you ready to have a baby.