Not enjoying pregnancy like I am being told I should

[LDStar]

Hi, FTM here and I am 19w. I have a slightly raised BMI of 35 but generally in good health.

I don't really know what I want to say here, but I know I am not feeling 100% happy with my pregnancy. I am being told by so many people to enjoy it and it's such a special time. But for me, I am not enjoying being pregnant, I ache and am tired all the time from the restless nights. And I'm fully aware it's going to get worse as the weeks go by.

I am working full time, WFH at the moment which is taking a lot of my mind energy. Also the world and his wife wants to see me so that's my weekends gone. All lovely things, but it means hubby and I haven't even started thinking about preparing for baby.

My husband is supportive, but has recently said he didn't feel any emotions towards our 12 week scan for the baby, and now the 20 weeks scan is next week and I'm just nervous that he still won't have any feelings towards baby. He has said he probably won't feel anything until its here. I know its different for the man, but I can't help but feel sad.

I am starting to get anxious about covid going into the winter, although I am double vaccinated.

Also, I feel so fed up with reading my phone or laptop screen for pregnancy information. Maybe due to covid I feel like face to face supoort is just gone.

Trying to find maternity clothes that don't cost a fortune in my size (18-22) where I can try on in a shop rather than order 100s of pounds worth at a time to return almost everything is also very annoying and again just makes me feel sad.

Sorry for the rant, I just feel... not quite right.

I was the same hon, hated every second of being pregnant but it'll pass quickly and you'll soon forget. Don't worry about not preparing, no-one is really prepared and I got pretty much all we needed in one days shopping xx

Buy a few cheap maternity dresses and leggings on eBay, there's loads xx

I could’ve written this myself. I’m also pregnant with my first and my partner turned around a few weeks ago and said he was annoyed everyone kept asking if he was excited…he said he’s not excited at all, all he can think of is a long list of things that need to be done before the baby is here. He does seem a bit happier and better since our 20 week scan 2 weeks ago though. I think before then it just still doesn’t seem that real. Now he feels and sees the baby move (I’m 22 weeks) and he seems to be enjoying it.

The way you are feeling is exactly how I felt at 19 weeks, I just didn’t feel pregnant in a way. I work shifts in a hospital which has been relentlessly busy for months now and that didnt help, but I think since I started feeling big kicks and having the scan I’m feeling much better. I started buying things after the 20 weeks scan and I think this makes things more ‘real’ for me.

As for maternity clothes I have the same issue (size18-20). Im constantly frustrated that no shops around me stock maternity wear, and then I don’t love anything I see online. I have managed to get some t-shirts in primark in the biggest size which I’m finding comfy with maternity leggings from Asda (they’re good ones!).

So I guess I’m not much help, but I just want you to know it’s completely normal to feel that way, and it will get better as the weeks go on.

@Hattie765 thank you, I will have a look at Ebay.

Being pregnant is shit. People tell you to enjoy it and they'll come out with all the nonsense like "you'll miss it when the baby's here" but realistically it's not a pleasant experience!

The Mum Guilt starts here.

Feeling guilty because you're not enjoying being pregnant as much as you've been told you should, it's just step one!

For what it's worth, I completely understand and agree with you. I think I had weeks 13-15 where I felt good, but that was about it.

1. Slow down. If weekend plans need to be cancelled, so be it. You need to rest.

1. I found prenatal yoga really helped with the day to day aches. There are 15 min routines on YouTube.

1. The lack of face to face support is a killer. I was pregnant in the first lockdown, so feel your pain. Are you looking to do an NCT course? I think they are all online now, but the ladies are often meeting up afterwards. Also, your local children's centre may be running a "Bumps and Babies" class, which are brilliant. Lastly, we have lots of baby groups run in the local churches, which round here, are very happy to welcome pregnant ladies.

Good luck!

@MidwifenowMumtobe thank you, its so go to hear I'm not alone with these thoughts and experiences. I am not feeling anything yet and I really hope when the kicking starts my husband will start to feel more on board and excited. And I think it will feel more real to me too. And I like the tip about Asda leggins, as I have one close to me. Thank you

I hated both pregnancies and honestly didn't feel much about my child until they were born.
It's just how some people are.
It's more important he loves the baby when he or she is here.

No one knows how they will feel.

@girlmom21 yes I have had that one!! It's so frustrating!

I hated every minute, it was a means to an end. H&M online is worth a look for cheap maternity wear.

It's not always the amazing fun wonderful time everyone says it should be! I found that wearing normal clothes a couple of sizes up was fine as long as I stuck to floaty/tent-like items, which might help? Is there anyone in real life you can discuss this with. That might help too. Also sometimes the father doesn't feel any feelings for the baby during pregnancy, it comes for them after the birth. Apparently this is common. But possibly another thing we just don't talk about IRL (like not finding pregnancy completely amazing) so you feel a bit alone if it happens to you.

Yep also not loving being pregnant here. I reached out on a local Facebook group and have found another pregnant person near me and have arranged a walk and a coffee with because despite working face to face (my job can't be done from home) I am still missing f2f stuff!
What really helped me once I was over the worst of 1st trimester sickness and fatigue was to try and get into a more regular exercise habit, I'm not doing anything more energetic than walking but it's getting me out of the house whilst we still have some daylight in the evenings and the endorphins do lift my mood!

I'm in a similar position, hate the way my body looks, I just look even fatter!
I'm grateful for being pregnant but I don't like it.
I'm 25 weeks tomorrow but try and just buy my normal elasticated trousers and tops next 1 or 2 sizes up.
I'm already dreading going to work but i know it keeps me fit so it keeps me going.

@Vebrithien I think I need to slow down, just feel so guilty at saying no or cancelling. It's been an issue of mine my whole life.

I have just signed up to an aquanatel yoga class which I am hoping will help with my breathing and easing aches. Very much looking forward to this.

When I asked my midwife about classes she just said they are not running classes just videos through family assist. It was very dismissive. And I have been trying to find a class as my husband and I really want to do a face to face class as we are fed up with doing things through a screen. Also our family centre has stopped everything, it's a one in one out policy and very clinical. I will have a look at NCT classes and my local church, thank you.

You're absolutely not alone here. It's the anxiety that gets me. Also WFH and moving house in a few weeks. I'm 31 weeks pregnant today! Just so much stress!
In terms of maternity clothes, I got 2 2-packs of maternity leggings from Dorothy perkins and a few things from boohoo.com for a reasonable price which fit really nicely. Their sizes were quite generous and some lovely dresses, dungarees, jumpsuits etc...

I'm expecting my fourth. I don't like being pregnant - oh there are some nice bits, some special bits, but on the whole it's awkward and uncomfy and I have to give up a lot of things I love (like playing netball). The baby at the end is what I hold on for, what makes it totally worth it, and why I keep doing it again.

@MartyHart thank you, its so good to hear this. All I hear is the opposite and I am starting to think I'm not normal

@CeeceeBloomingdale thank you, i will try H&M

I think people who aren't pregnant romanticise it, or look back on being pregnant with rose tinted glasses, forgetting all the sh** bits.

@LDStar sending you a hug OP! It’s completely normal what you’re feeling. I had my first baby last year - BMI 35, size 18-20. The restless nights were definitely the hardest part for me. It was draining! Then I felt guilty for not enjoying it when I knew other people that loved it!

Has your partner been able to feel any kicks yet? For me, I found that my partners whole mindset changed once he could feel baby moving!

I know the lack of face to face support is frustrating. I was the same last year - I didn’t meet a midwife at all until I was 29 weeks pregnant 😳 and my partner want allowed in for any scans or appointments. Try and say no to people at the weekends - put aside some time for you and your partner if you can 😊 but don’t worry about not being prepared at this stage! We sat down about 20 weeks and made a lift of everything we needed and started looking into options but we didn’t start buying anything until 27 weeks 😊

For maternity wear - do you like leggings? I literally lived in maternity leggings from Love Leggings from about 20 weeks (and still wear them now when baby is 10months 🤣). They’re thick and cosy, but see through and don’t have baggy knees and ankles 👏🏼 Think they’re about £15 if I remember rightly. I ordered a few longer tops from the Bump It Up maternity range from Yours and just layered up with a long cardigan when it got cold 😊 they have some nice dresses at the moment too if that’s more your style 😊 I also had a few oversized jumpers from Tescos that fitted great right up until the end 😊

I also found from about 21/22 weeks my pregnancy felt like it went really quickly so fingers crossed the same goes for you 🤞🏼

Anyone telling you you should be enjoying pregnancy either had an incredibly easy pregnancy or has never actually been pregnant. Pregnancy is bloody hard work, it’s a means to an end, not a fun experience in itself.

If your husband is a generally decent person, then I wouldn’t worry too much about him not being able to feel much towards the baby at the moment, it’s all a bit more abstract for the partner and the chances are he’ll feel very different when the baby is actually here. Even as the mum, I personally haven’t felt much emotion towards either of my children during pregnancy, but it changes once you meet them.

You’re going to have to learn to take with a pinch of salt what other people tell you you should be thinking, feeling, doing. People love to give their opinions to pregnant women and new mums and it’s often a load of nonsense.

@HangingChads thank you , I will see what floaty tops I can buy to wear over leggins in a size up. I've decided long tops and leggins seem to be the way forward.

And I agree, these things aren't talked about irl. It's good to know that about the father. I'm trying to hold onto the fact that it's hard for him not feeling every little movement or change in body like I am which makes it so much more real for me.

@SouthwestSis that's a great idea, I think talking to someone going through it at the same time as me would help. I have friends who have had children recently, but they had a really positive pregnancy so it's hard for them to understand my feelings. I just get funny looks. I have signed up to aquanatel yoga classes to help with easing some of the aches and to give me so me time out of the house. I am hoping this will help

You are definitely not alone. I'm on my third pregnancy and it's even shitter than the other two, which were also shit. Funnily enough I love "being pregnant" ie when in the third trimester and have a big glorious bump and can feel and see my baby moving it feels amazing. But those feelings are fleeting because the rest of the time it's exhaustion and discomfort with some anxiety chucked in.
DH never felt connected two my DCs until they were here. Scans made him believe it a bit better, as did feeling the baby kick. But I do think for most men the connection comes after birth.

Oh and I did aquanatal with my second! It was great to feel I was setting time aside for just me and baby (didn't really bond during pregnancy due to horrendous sickness and having a toddler to chase after). I bet you'll love it :)