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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Who should I have as my only birth partner?! Stressed!!

38 replies

LUFCMama · 15/09/2021 09:22

Hi, first post on here so hope this makes sense!

I’m currently awaiting my first little boy & I’m 36wks with numerous complications meaning I’m likely to be induced in the next fortnight.

My hospitals rules at present are that you’re still only allowed 1 birth partner throughout your birth and hospital stay with no swapping and I’m likely to need to be in the hospital for around a week.

Now personally my mother has been my absolute rock throughout this pregnancy and we’re extremely close so I’d love for her to be there to support me during L&D and I can’t imagine not seeing her for a week for the duration I’m in the hospital (I’m still living at home and we’re more like sisters than mother and daughter). However, this would mean my partner can’t be there for the birth of his child nor see him for that said week which in no way is fair on him.

I’m sure you can imagine this is causing me a LOT of unnecessary stress and anxiety on top of the high risk complicated pregnancy I’ve already experienced.

As much as my partner has tried to be there, he just doesn’t understand nor has he seen to the extent of how much of a toll this pregnancy has been due to work commitments & I know should anything go wrong during labour; he wouldn’t cope well at all…

Now I completely understand why these rules are in place & know it’s that safety comes first but knowing that festivals, sports events etc are able to go ahead with mass crowds with 10’s of thousands of people and I’m having to choose between two people and who “deserves” to be there more is heartbreaking & really affecting my mental health.

I guess my question is, have any of you found a way around this or have any idea when hospitals are likely to change these rules? Or maybe have any advice as to who I should allow to be there?

I really believed that I’d be allowed 2 birth partners by this point but it just doesn’t seem to be budging and I’m absolutely at my whits end and losing sleep over this sad

Thank you so much in advance & sorry for the long post!x

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Fairywings86 · 15/09/2021 09:36

My hospital only still allows only 1 birth partner, I had my DS2 3 months ago, and I really wanted my DP and mam there this time round (DS2 is our last), but when it came down to it, it's DP child and as much as I would of loved my mam been there, I couldn't let DP not been there for the birth of his 2nd child, its such a horrible situation at the moment isn't it!! I really do feel for you OP

Also a massive congratulations on your pregnancy, be strong, wishing you all the best 😊

Unicornflakegirl · 15/09/2021 09:40

It's not about who deserves to be there, it's about who will support you best.
You could speak to the midwives though to see if there is any flexibility.
Or is there any flexibility in a nearby hospital regarding a second birth partner?

Someone I know had their mother for the birth but the baby's father was allowed to visit after.

For me personally I wouldn't have my mum but my circumstances are different, you live at home with yours.

Bells3032 · 15/09/2021 09:45

honestly, i think i'd take my partner and explain to him the importance of being there. i can imagine how upset he'd be if you said he can't be there for the birth of his first child and the strain that would put on your relationship. My DH is very level headed but i think he'd never forgive me for cutting him out.

I know it's meant to be your body, your choice but unless your partner is going to be a total nightmare in the delivery room i just wouldn't do that to him

rainbowandglitter · 15/09/2021 09:46

Could they take turns so only one in at a time? I'd pick your partner as it's his baby (I can think of nothing worse than having my mum there).

Chamomileteaplease · 15/09/2021 09:47

What an awful conundrum! Poor you .

I see exactly what you are saying in that you need your mum there as she will be the one who helps you with your first labour.

I think if it wasn't for the week then I would vote for your mum but it seems very wrong for your dp not to see his baby for a week!

Perhaps this could be an opportunity for your partner to step up to the mark? Maybe he will show that he can be supportive and helpful at this very important time?

Does your partner understand your dilemma? Does he realise that you are going to need someone to rely on?? I would ensure that he does, right now!!

However, do remember that if you have a decent midwife then they should be able to offer you much support and your partner could just be the bit of extra .

Mantlemoose · 15/09/2021 09:52

Your DP. It's your and his child not your and your DM. What shes been doing is something probably only mums can do as you need it. DP?possibly already feels on the sidelines. In saying that have you had a conversation that he wants to be there? My BIL didn't want to be at any of his (fainted at all 3 and was worse than useless)!!

BertieBotts · 15/09/2021 09:57

Someone I know had their mother for the birth but the baby's father was allowed to visit after.

I'd ask if this would be allowed. I'm sure you'll manage being away from your mum for a week! You can still phone her etc.

Houseofvelour · 15/09/2021 09:59

You and your partner made the baby so you and your partner should be there for the birth. If he wants to see his child being born he should be able to.
If he misses it he may resent you.

That's just my opinion.

Anon9990 · 15/09/2021 10:07

I had the same dilemma as you.
I spoke to my partner about my feelings and he said that if it helped me he would be happy for my mum to be there (shock!) in the end he was there as I couldn’t do that to him and he was absolutely amazing through it - it wasn’t straight forward.
Just when we got home and he was expecting a 1950s housewife things changed lol

SparklingLime · 15/09/2021 10:23

Your mum. The best support for you throughout the birth has to be the priority.

girlmom21 · 15/09/2021 10:27

I couldn't imagine not allowing my partner to see out baby for the first week of their lives. That's a massive amount of time.

Noshowwithoutpunch · 15/09/2021 10:28

Your Mum has been your best support throughout your pregnancy and will be your biggest support throughout the birth.
You need your Mum.

grey12 · 15/09/2021 10:32

@Unicornflakegirl is right! I was going to say the same thing.

The person who should be at the birth is the person who you feel could support you and at times be your voice. They can ask questions you just don't have the head to think about when you're in pain. They may have to help you make decisions.

Moominmiss · 15/09/2021 10:46

I’d check with your hospital exactly what their currently guidelines on visitors is.

At my hospital where I have birth nearly 2 weeks ago I had my partner with me from start to finish and he was even allowed to stay overnight with me.

The next day he nipped out to pick up some bits and while he was away, I was able to have my dad visit me on the ward.

As long as I only ever had one visitor at a time around my bed then it was ok. Plus any visitors had to be able to show a negative lateral flow before entry to the ward.

If that was allowed where you are then it would mean you could alternate between your partner and mum visiting you.

Cotswoldmama · 15/09/2021 10:49

I think your DP needs to be there. It's a huge thing to be there for the birth of your child and to support you. That feeling after giving birth is amazing and I myself would feel so sad if my husband wasn't there with me to experience it.

mumofmunchkin · 15/09/2021 10:51

Sorry you've got such a hard dilemma.

The first week of a baby's life is such a special time, and a time for you to grow into your roles as parents and learn about your new baby together, and I couldn't exclude my other half from that. Can you talk to him about the support you will need, and see if you feel he would be able to step up? You would still be able to ring and video call your Mum.

GemmaRuby · 15/09/2021 10:51

Labour is not easy. The purpose of the birth partner is to support you, not to have an “experience” themselves. So on that basis I would have your mum.

Check the visiting rules for before and after, it’s probably one person at a time (rather than the same person).

Is there a reason you think you will be in hospital for a week? You could be induced and deliver the same day, stay overnight and be out the next day.

Loudestcat14 · 15/09/2021 10:55

Personally I couldn't deny my partner the experience of watching his first child being born, but that's just me.

I do wonder, though, whether you've actually give him the chance to support you or whether he's continually pushed out because you're so reliant on your mum and are inclined to turn to her at every opportunity. I ask this because you might find, left alone to get on with it, he really steps up to the plate.

Dipsydoodlenoodle · 15/09/2021 11:02

My hospital are allowing 1 birth partner and then when active labour starts you can have a second person there (who then has to leave once baby is born) - it might be worth checking if this is the case with yours as it's not well advertised at mine that you can.

leakymcleakleak · 15/09/2021 11:04

You say you're still living at home with your mum - does that mean you don't live with your partner, or are you both living there? How old are you?

If he is your boyfriend, and you are young, and you're still together but you're not really in a 'partnership' type relationship as most people would think of it - ie being your own family unit- then I think I can see more why having your mum is sensible.

But to be honest, if you're in a committed relationship, the baby was planned....I'm not sure my relationship could survive someone not allowing me to see my child in the first week. For PP, certainly in my local hospital the birth partner is the only visitor allowed after birth as well and you can't swap who that is, so having a mother as a birth partner would need the dad couldn't meet his child until they're brought home.

I think the bigger issue is WHY he isn't being supportive. Have you mentioned this to him? What is he not understanding about the high risk pregnancy? Will he be taking paternity leave to support you when baby gets here? Do you trust he'll step up then? Its difficult to make a judgment based on the info you've given, I generally think its most important the mother is supported during the birth but I also can't imagine having a child with a man who I know would be unable to step up at all, and I wonder if you're sure that's the case or if you're just more willing and comfortable to accept support from your mum.

Chamomileteaplease · 15/09/2021 11:16

I think it is much more complicated than usual because the OP thinks she will be in hospital for a week.

It's one thing not being there for a baby's birth but quite another not seeing your own baby for a week!

8dpwoah · 15/09/2021 11:22

I can't imagine not having the father of a child present at their birth (unless there was a massive backstory that meant that wasn't an option obviously). It's a fast track to him feeling pushed out and distant from you and the baby and that isn't how I'd want the person I'd chosen to have children with to feel. Your mum will likely be much more support to you both when you go home after the birth anyway as induction is very often a long and boring process until things start happening.

Nanananani · 15/09/2021 11:23

Unless abusive/separated (extreme circumstances) I would never exclude my FP from the birth of his child

Nanananani · 15/09/2021 11:23

*DP

8dpwoah · 15/09/2021 11:23

Just to clarify the rule here as well is one birth partner throughout IoL with decent visiting hours on antenatal then when you go onto postnatal you're on your own apart from a two hour a day visiting slot (for the birth partner) anyway.

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