Who should I have as my only birth partner?! Stressed!!

[LUFCMama]

Hi, first post on here so hope this makes sense!

I’m currently awaiting my first little boy & I’m 36wks with numerous complications meaning I’m likely to be induced in the next fortnight.

My hospitals rules at present are that you’re still only allowed 1 birth partner throughout your birth and hospital stay with no swapping and I’m likely to need to be in the hospital for around a week.

Now personally my mother has been my absolute rock throughout this pregnancy and we’re extremely close so I’d love for her to be there to support me during L&D and I can’t imagine not seeing her for a week for the duration I’m in the hospital (I’m still living at home and we’re more like sisters than mother and daughter). However, this would mean my partner can’t be there for the birth of his child nor see him for that said week which in no way is fair on him.

I’m sure you can imagine this is causing me a LOT of unnecessary stress and anxiety on top of the high risk complicated pregnancy I’ve already experienced.

As much as my partner has tried to be there, he just doesn’t understand nor has he seen to the extent of how much of a toll this pregnancy has been due to work commitments & I know should anything go wrong during labour; he wouldn’t cope well at all…

Now I completely understand why these rules are in place & know it’s that safety comes first but knowing that festivals, sports events etc are able to go ahead with mass crowds with 10’s of thousands of people and I’m having to choose between two people and who “deserves” to be there more is heartbreaking & really affecting my mental health.

I guess my question is, have any of you found a way around this or have any idea when hospitals are likely to change these rules? Or maybe have any advice as to who I should allow to be there?

I really believed that I’d be allowed 2 birth partners by this point but it just doesn’t seem to be budging and I’m absolutely at my whits end and losing sleep over this sad

Thank you so much in advance & sorry for the long post!x

I agree with a pp that the issue for me is that you're talking about potentially your partner not seeing their child for the first week of their life.

Obviously some people are in that situation if they're in the armed forces or similar, but to deliberately deprive my partner of seeing their own child for a week, I couldn't in all conscience do it.

I wouldn’t have my DP as my sole support because he has ASD and is bad at intense emotional situations. He couldn’t give me the support I’d need but he might give me a lecture on the electrical circuitry of a heart monitor. I would probably kill him. My mum is too hippy dippy and self-involved to be ideal either. My solution would be to hire a doula or private midwife to assist me and be my support and she would be a second opinion if medically trained (ideally). Thankfully not an issue yet as ttc taking a while.

I had an EMC under general 6 years ago when I had my DD and I still feel guilty that my DH missed it.

I definitely think your partner should get the opportunity to be there if he wants to.

100% your mum.

Your Mum. 100%. You will need support and you might need a voice and an advocate. Your DP has not yet proven he can do this - or even wants to. It is about you and the baby and not him.

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Your Mum. 100%. You will need support and you might need a voice and an advocate. Your DP has not yet proven he can do this - or even wants to. It is about you and the baby and not him.

But how will he ever learn or feel more invested in his new familiy - or prove he can be a support and advocate - if he is excluded? I have seen this pattern a few times where the parent is the default support and continues to be throughout the lifecycle and it can really push a partner away which presumably is not what the OP wants either.

@girlmom21

I couldn't imagine not allowing my partner to see out baby for the first week of their lives. That's a massive amount of time.

This.

But how will he ever learn or feel more invested in his new familiy - or prove he can be a support and advocate - if he is excluded?

He's had a few months to prove his ability. He hasn't. He can prove it afterward. It's not about him.

Hi op check with the midwives/ hospital. I was my daughters birth partner this year and the hospital had the same rules. But she ended up needing to stay in so they allowed her partner to visit so he could meet his baby. It's absolutely awful situation and I hope it all goes ok for you x

@YetAnotherSpartacus

But how will he ever learn or feel more invested in his new familiy - or prove he can be a support and advocate - if he is excluded?

He's had a few months to prove his ability. He hasn't. He can prove it afterward. It's not about him.

It's not about him obviously but this is the kind of decision whose consequences can reverberate through time (and some people here have indeed said they would never forgive it). The fact that the OP is giving birth does not mean that nothing else matters, that her relationship with her partner is of no consequence. I don't think she has indicated that he has been totally useless or unsupportive, just that she finds her mother more attuned to her currently. That may be because of the closeness of THEIR relationship rather than any major deficiencies in her partner. He has to be given the chance to grow into this and be there as a father and partner. We hear all the time about mummies boys on Mumsnet, there are also mummies girls but that seems to be considered a positive thing

Fortunately my trust allowed 2 birth partners so I had both my mum (who I am so close to) and my partner. However if I were only allowed one, it’s a no brainier to have your partner over your mum. It’s their baby and such an important experience.

I think if your partner is both so marginal to your life and so useless that you are in the position of making this decision, you already have your answer.