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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Very confused

30 replies

Allthechangenamestaken · 04/12/2007 09:21

Hi, I am a regular and have changed my name.

Just found out that I am accidentally pregnant, we already have two school age children and I am just about to start a new job in the New Year though not signed up to any contract yet.

DH and I also have been having financial issues and relationship problems. He is also nine years older than me so will be 67 when this child was 18.

Though part of me would love another baby the rational part of me thinks it would be madness so I am going to see the doctor this week about a termination.

I have told no one and am avoiding all my friends at the school gates as I feel huge guilt about this.

Really just wanted to tell someone and I know there are people on here who will judge me but I need to get it of my chest.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

mylittleponey · 04/12/2007 09:23

How would you feel after the termination?

If you'd love another baby then go with how you feel - things have a way of working out.

Original poster

Allthechangenamestaken · 04/12/2007 09:32

Im quite a tough cookie but no I don't know how I would feel.

I had a miscarriage, which I blamed myself for as I was over doing it in the gym, and I felt a bit empty and hugged DS1 close to me for a couple of weeks. I would imagine it would feel the same.

DH before we met had two girlfriends who terminations and he said it destroyed one of his relationships.

But it might be over for DH and me anyway, if I am being honest. And I don't want to have a baby as a way of papering over the cracks in our relationship.

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slim22 · 04/12/2007 09:39

Sounds like you have made up your mind (not that I would try and change it).
I can't imagine how I would feel in the same position. The only thing I'm sure of is that you don't bring a child in this world to mend a relationship. I've seen it time and over, it's a recipe for disaster.
Wish you the best of luck and continue to post to release all those ambiguous feelings. Relief or regret, let it all come out.
take care

3Ddonut · 04/12/2007 09:42

You need to speak to someone professional about this, when you see your GP please make sure that you receive some counselling as well, I'm sure that it happens anyway.... Good luck, thinking of you.

santaslittlepeatbogelf · 04/12/2007 09:47

I really feel for you and would definitely encourage you to see a counsellor too -- you've got so many conflicting issues here, you need to talk it through with someone impartial.

thinking of you

Original poster

Allthechangenamestaken · 04/12/2007 09:48

Thanks you are all very nice.

Its terrible as I am avoiding all my lovely friends, I know that as soon as one of them asks are you ok I will just burst into tears.

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scorpio1 · 04/12/2007 09:52

if your marriage breaks up, could you cope with three?

If it doesn't, could you cope with having had a termination?

I don't know, but maybe you will feel different from a mc than having a termination?

if there is any part of you that wonders about keeping this baby don't rush into not having it. Please see someone professional Maybe take a friend with you?

Original poster

Allthechangenamestaken · 04/12/2007 10:00

Well, I sort of think that DH and I might be able to get things back on track but don't think that we would survive as a couple if we had the baby. It would just to put much pressure on us in lots of areas both emotional and financial.

Could I cope with three on my own, yes probably I could with a great deal of financial support from my parents. But as any single parent no doubt would tell you it would be tough and I would imagine I have no idea how tough it would be..

My mother does know I'm pregnant and I am seeing her on Friday but she is really about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

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shrinkingsagpuss · 04/12/2007 10:09

FWIW, I had a termination, when DH and I were first going out. the thought of a baby struck so much terror into both our hearts that we couldn't do it. We thought long and hard about it, and do not regret the decision. my life has not been scarred, and I now have two beautiful babies with DH.

Think very carefully about what you do, and good luck.

Original poster

Allthechangenamestaken · 04/12/2007 10:22

Thanks SS.

DH had a tough childhood so he did not start from a base of a happy loving family, having the boys has been tough for him and in particular there have been big issues with our oldest.

Things are easier now and are getting better but I think it would be irresponsible for me to persuade him that a baby is a good idea. I think it would be a selfish act on my part.

Its so useful to get this all out.

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ernest · 04/12/2007 10:24

Allthechangenamestaken, my take on it is to try and make this decision without factoring you dh into it. You say "Well, I sort of think that DH and I might be able to get things back on track but don't think that we would survive as a couple if we had the baby", but you also say that having the termination might break up the relationship (he considers it a factor in the break up of a previous relationship).

So it might break you up if you do, you might break up if you don't.

I doubt you can liken how you feel following a termination & a misscarriage, but don't know.

Does any part of you feel excited or happy about this baby, if you take away all of the obstacles? Cos lots and lots of people have all sorts of obstacle to overcome, and like someone else already said, things tend to work themselves out.

I really hope you manage to come to the right decision, as others have said, possibly with the help of a professional unbiased councellor.

Original poster

Allthechangenamestaken · 04/12/2007 10:32

I think that DH will do anything to keep this relationship together, he loves our boys passionately and depends on the stability and security which we provide.
It is me who is unsure whether it is enough and whether being with DH is enough. Mid life crisis perhaps.

Neither of us underestimates the power of a termination. Somehow the whole pregnancy has given us a dose of reality and we spoke last night with a candour and purpose that has been lacking throughout our whole relationship.

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ernest · 04/12/2007 10:43

Oh, hadn't realised dh knows. How did he react? Have you told him you're considering a termination? And his reaction to this?

You say about not having a baby to paper over the cracks in your relationship - I wouldn't look at it like that, because it's not like you're considering having a baby to try and save things. the fact it, this has happened, by accident, not as a deliberate attempt to save things.

Maybe actually this crisis may force you out of you lukewarm rut? (You may well not be in a lukewarm rut, just guessing)

And finally, don't focuss on stuff like dh being xx years old when the baby is x years old. You just don't know what the future brings. There's plenty of older parents around and plenty of children with older parents and ideal circumstances age, spacing, money-wise happen to very very few families, really.

Original poster

Allthechangenamestaken · 04/12/2007 10:46

I think he is like me, thinks a termination is for the best but finds the whole idea of another baby emotionally quite satisfying. We are in agreement. I could talk him round I am sure.

Yes you got it I have been in a lukewarm rut but maybe I have always been there . It is definitely a bit of a mid life crisis but then this baby has come along to complicate things even further.

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ernest · 04/12/2007 10:49

You could talk him round? Which way? You talk him into the termination? Or talk him into having the baby? Didn't understand sorry

NAB3littlemonkeys · 04/12/2007 10:51

Please don't make an quick decisions. Take some time. How does your DH feel about it? Does he know you are pregnant? How would you feel if you had a threatened miscarriage now? Relief or despair? That may help.

Original poster

Allthechangenamestaken · 04/12/2007 10:58

To having the baby.

Think I would be relieved if I had a miscarriage. But then i have done odd things like cut back on alchol and coffee - just in case I change my mind.

B**ks, anyway I have changed my doctor appointment to tomorrow morning so I can start the process one way or another.

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Original poster

Allthechangenamestaken · 04/12/2007 11:04

Thanks ladies for listening to my bumbling.

I am going to do something else now, like sort out the kids christmas play costumes.

I'll be back after I have seen the doctor.
Thks again

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ernest · 04/12/2007 11:04

If you think you could talk him round to having the baby, and you're watching what you eat/drink, it sounds very much like you want the baby, and it's just the hurdles that are putting you off......

Really, if part of you wants to keep the baby, I think a termination would be terribly difficult to come to terms with.

Good luck at the doctors tomorrow xxx

feedmenow · 04/12/2007 11:12

Allthechangenamestaken, I really feel for you. I just wanted to say that I have experienced both termination and miscarriage. For me, the mc was hugely worse, I think because it had been a planned pg where as the termination pg was not.

When I had my termination, I was so sad and I cried on the way there, as I went under, as I woke up, as I went home, etc. But I knew in my heart that it was the best choice for me. I know I would have loved the baby had I decided to have it, but I was also very realistic about where my choice would take us in the future.

And if you do go with the termination, please know that you won't necessarily be eaten up with guilt for the rest of your life (so long as you are comfortable that it was your decision). I know of a few people who have felt more guilty about not feeling bad about the termination than they did about the termination itself.

Good luck xx

Original poster

Allthechangenamestaken · 04/12/2007 11:18

Couldn't stay away - I think feedmenow you have hit the nail on the head. I know that my problem throughout my life has been that I am easily influenced by other people and that what I do now really needs to be my choice. If it is my choice then I can handle it if not then it destroys you - I speak from personal experience.

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NAB3littlemonkeys · 04/12/2007 11:20

I think it is a decision you and your Dh need to make together.

Original poster

Allthechangenamestaken · 05/12/2007 10:46

Just been to the doctors, he was very nice and I have got the referral number for the clinic that would do the termination.

TBH and I haven't told anyone this - I have really wanted another baby for a while, haven't told my friends because they all think that I desperate for another baby. Its just that I had decided that it wasn't to be, and I needed to get back earning so that I could help sort out our finances and give DH some support. And to be honest I am so bored at home looking after the kids, going of my tiny little rocker.

I think that I need to be honest with DH and tell him this. That would be a start.

OP posts:

NAB3littlemonkeys · 05/12/2007 10:50

I think you want this baby.

Take care.

ernest · 05/12/2007 11:17

A while ago I was also desperate for another baby. It didn't happen. I finally gave up, accepted it, gave away all my maternity stuff, went back to work. Now I'm 11 weeks pg

And was SO shocked and surprised when I found out.

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