Disappointing reactions from friends on 3rd pregnancy

[blondeirishmummy84]

I am 12 weeks pregnant with my 3rd baby, I have a 2.5 and 3.5 year old. 3rd baby wasnt really planned but husband and I are excited even if apprehensive at how we will manage with 3 kids! My 2 toddlers are almost like twins and the tantrums can be difficult at times so like any Mum, it can be tough going at times! We are also in a small 2 bedroom house (moving next year).
I had my dating scan during the week but last weekend at a playdate with a friend she jokingly asked me about having number 3, so I told her number 3 was due next March. Her face fell and she did eventually hug me and congratulate me but it didnt feel like she was excited for me, and alluded a few times about how hard it will be because its already tough for me.
Then last night I met a close friend for dinner and after telling her why I wasnt drinking alcohol, her face fell in shock, she actually said 'oh no' and kept looking at me like she felt sorry for me.
I just feel really deflated at these reactions, maybe I am being paranoid?
We are heading to tell our families face to face this weekend and I am just not looking forward to it if people are going to react like this.

Congratulations!

Cut your friends some slack if they routinely see / hear from you how touch things are at the moment though. It’s hard watching already struggling families have more children.

However, if this isn’t the case, just ignore and enjoy your pregnancy.

I don’t know, my brother has kids the same age and if he told me there was another on the way I’d honestly think oh god, why have you made life so difficult for yourselves?! I’m just being honest.

You could tell your family that you e got some really happy news that you’re excited about and then announce it. They’d have to be really rude and/or mean not to greet it with at least grace and kindness.

Congratulations!

I remember having 2 toddlers and it was hard. That’s why people are reacting like this.

Unless you are relying on family for childcare or they think you are stressed out with your two toddlers, I am sure they should be happy for you.

I think their reactions show they care and are worried about how you will cope with a 3rd. I'm assuming you must bring up how difficult you finding the 2 you have quite often for them to react this way.

But your entire post explains why people are likely to think this, and you are yourself apprehensive about how you’ll manage with three under fives — I think it’s a bit much to expect your circle to be in paroxysms of delight over an unplanned pregnancy you’re not entirely thrilled about yourself.

@Whinge

I think their reactions show they care and are worried about how you will cope with a 3rd. I'm assuming you must bring up how difficult you finding the 2 you have quite often for them to react this way.

Agree.

Plus the novelty of hearing about other people's pending children wear off after the 1st, so by the 3rd, I wouldn't expect shared excitement.

It does sound like you've got your work cut out for you tbh,but the early years seem to fly by when you look back on them. In the long run, you'll get to enjoy the bigger family and the bond and company your kids will have. Congratulations.

It must have been upsetting to hear and that's understandable. You don't need people to burst your bubble.

That being said, I would give your friends the benefit of the doubt since it sounds their remakes came from a place of concern for your well being. They weren't trying to be judgy or hurtful, it's just that their first instinct was to worry. Which is totally reasonable.

Do you spend a fair bit of time complaining tho?

If people know you're already finding it quite hard, their first reaction will be precisely why are you making life even harder.

Friends?

Peculiar

How much do you talk about how hard things are?

I’m presuming they must believe that you’re struggling to react like this. If they’re usually good friends, it’s telling that their first reaction was worry.

They haven’t been unreasonable, but neither have you to be a bit hurt and disappointed. Are you as open with your parents about the struggles? If so, I’d temper your expectations with the announcement to them, too. If not, they’re unlikely to react the same, although there’s often a lot of threads here about parents not reacting with the same joy the second/third/fourth time, so going in with low expectations might be a good idea anyway!

I was really disappointed with the reactions when I said I was having my third. So many people seemed to feel it was totally ok to say, wow that’s full on, we’re sticking with 2, rather you than me etc. Just didn’t understand the reaction, let alone voicing it.

Thank for replies. I very rarely moan or complain the tough side of parenting to them, they are parents themselves and know what its like sometimes. They know how much I love being a mother and how well brought up and happy my children are. We live far away from both families so dont rely on anyone for childcare and we are financially comfortable.
I had heard that there can be negative responses when expecting your third (or more) and have just experienced it. Regardless of planned/unplanned/too many children/usual parent stresses/ its a blessing to be expecting a welcome addition to the family and it is quite rude to be negative, especially when I am expressing my happiness at the news.

You say yourself your third baby wasn’t planned - so if it was a shock to you, it’s a shock to other people too! If you hang out a lot with other mums with DC of the same age, it’s pretty likely they’re wondering if you’re genuinely OK with the idea … because they’d find it tough themselves (projecting) and/or see how exhausting your 2 are at this stage (concerned for you). Don’t read too much into it! I remember my FIL asking if we’d have more DC when mine were about your age - my mum was there too and says something like ‘I should hope not!’ Which was hurtful at the time but in retrospect I think meant more like she was concerned for me (my DH had been through a tough patch) and also remembered being a mum of two close in age herself and was projecting a bit.

As a PP says, tell family with a “Amazing news - bit of a surprise but we’re absolutely thrilled” preface and don’t worry.

Generally you don’t get the same excited response by the time you’re expecting number 3. It sounds like you’re already finding it hard and are in a small home - people can’t help but think why are you making things even harder for yourself.

@Cupoftea53

I was really disappointed with the reactions when I said I was having my third. So many people seemed to feel it was totally ok to say, wow that’s full on, we’re sticking with 2, rather you than me etc. Just didn’t understand the reaction, let alone voicing it.

Yes and its horrible to see that people feel I perhaps warrant the negative reactions, as if its somehow my fault due to me having 2 toddlers already and how busy I am with them.

I'd probably do this op if I were your friend. I dunno, I have my own views about having children for environmental effects etc. Just being honest. You were shocked, other people are allowed to be too.

I very rarely moan or complain the tough side of parenting to them

If that’s the case, maybe they know you well enough to see you’re struggling? Not in a judgemental way, just as an observation that it’s not the easiest, or you seem stressed, or you’re already balancing a lot…

The obvious answer is that they know you struggle, and are worried about how you’ll cope with a third. It could be referred from their own experiences but that would be unusual, and so it’d be odd for two friends to have reacted the same way, especially separately.

Otherwise the alternative is that they aren’t very nice people, but I always advise caution before deciding that is the case, because A) they’re you’re friends, so you clearly like them, and B) it’s psychologically the easier choice, it puts the behaviour on them rather than you.

Do you need to tell parents this weekend? I think I’d be tempted to put it off for a bit. If you want to, have low expectations and all the best.

Congratulations on the baby!

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

I'd probably do this op if I were your friend. I dunno, I have my own views about having children for environmental effects etc. Just being honest. You were shocked, other people are allowed to be too.

This would be my take, too. The world is already overwhelmed by the number of people it's supporting and I just don't think that doing more than replacing yourselves (I.e. a couple having more than two children) is good. We all have to make responsible decisions.

I think you're making much more of this than you need to. You talk about tantrums and tough times, do you think that won't have leaked into your conversations and behaviour. Maybe they were looking forward to having a bit more time with you rather than with you + 1. Again. Who knows? If they're good friends, they'll up their game. If they're not, why do you care what they think?

Well almost wishing I now hadn't came on here as I am finding some responses quite contemptible. Everyone entitled to express their opinions though!
So much for coming on to a pregnancy forum for support and ending up feeling more disappointed lol.

I think a lot of these responses are quite mean. Yes, people are not going to be as excited for baby 3 as baby 1, and may be surprised, but you've every right to feel disappointed by them not congratulating you and being happy on your behalf. If you are announcing a pregnancy after 12 weeks, then clearly you want this - it would be totally different if you said you'd just done a pregnancy test - and that's all that matters.
The environment argument doesn't wash. People can practice their own belief but don't rain on others parade. And anyway, in Britain the birth rate is dangerously low (1.6 I read this week, needs to be 2.1), so your LO is very much needed. I'm currently pregnant with DC2, but totally plan on a third and maybe a fourth. The only think I'm dreading is telling people bearing in mind the reactions on here......

@blondeirishmummy84

Well almost wishing I now hadn't came on here as I am finding some responses quite contemptible. Everyone entitled to express their opinions though! So much for coming on to a pregnancy forum for support and ending up feeling more disappointed lol.

Totally agree with you on this. Best of luck with telling your family, and the rest of your pregnancy.

@blondeirishmummy84

Well almost wishing I now hadn't came on here as I am finding some responses quite contemptible. Everyone entitled to express their opinions though! So much for coming on to a pregnancy forum for support and ending up feeling more disappointed lol.

But you’re doing the same thing on here here as you’ve apparently done with your friends — you expect them to be straightforwardly thrilled for you when you describe yourself as ‘excited’ but also ‘apprehensive’. People who take extremely personally other people’s responses to their decisions are often ambivalent about them themselves, and need other people to reinforce that their doing the right thing.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, @blondeirishmummy84 — after all,it’s you’re welcome feelings about it that matter most.