How to tell friend with fertility issues that I am pregnant?

[CorpusCallosum]

In a couple of weeks I'm meeting up with some old friends for the first time since pre-Covid, there are 5 of us. I am pregnant with our 2nd. I've already told 2 of the group, one is unlikely to care and the last has fertility issues.

She so lovely and kind, she will be pleased for us but she and her DH have been trying for years so it has the potential to be upsetting for her.

I'm absolutely not going to wait till the meet up and spring it on her but equally feel a text a bit out of the blue could be just as hurtful. I'm really struggling and putting it off, I just need to find the words 😔

I think an email would be the kindest way, more personal than a text, and if it does bring up feelings of grief for her own situation she won't need to put on a brave face. She can sit and feel all the emotions in private without the pressure of smiling and saying 'congratulations'.

Lovely idea but I don't think I have her email address! 🙈

So considerate of you, you sound like a lovely friend. I think if it was me, I would want my friend to maybe ring me and tell me personally.. A text seems a bit impersonal but at the same time you don't want to make her feel inadequate by shining too much like on it and creating a non issue. I would maybe call her and tell her you wanted to tell her personally and hope she's OK, after you guage her reaction I would then tell her that if she ever wants to talk you're always there for her x

I'm sure it would be different for different people. Having experience of infertility, I would say that a text would mean I could cry if I needed to, then I could reply when I was able to be happy for my friend.

I was her. I’d have appreciated an honest, kind text. Each time a friend got pregnant I’d be upset, have a “why not me??” moment, cry, wallow a bit, then deal with it and be genuinely delighted for my friend.

I’m with @heywhatswrongwitu. I’ve been in your friend’s shoes and the best method was always a text.

Having been in the position of the friend, I would personally prefer a text. It's lovely that you are so considerate of her feelings, but having that kind of conversation in 'real time' is harder as you both have to put so much effort into your words, expressions, reactions etc. Much better if it's in writing and you can both take time to consider what to say. That's just me though!

Having struggled with infertility for 4 years the best way I found was a text then I could process it . Have a cry if needed in private. If horrible when someone tells you face to face because it knocks the wind out of you and breaks your heart . We were really buzzing for our friends but it still hurts as you wish you were sharing happy news xxxx

Congratulations OP. I'm in your friend's position and have had multiple pregancy announcements from friends recently. All have been by text and I've been so relieved as it means I don't have to slap a smile on or sound excited and happy on the phone. I'm delighted for them and reply with genuine good wishes and congratulations but every announcement is still hard so I've been very grateful that it hadn't been in person or in a phonecall.

I also prefer when they don't make a massive deal about how I might feel and that they know it may be difficult for me. When the fertility issues get on top of me I feel pretty inadequate and too much sympathy can exacerbate that.

That's my personal preference, you obviously know your friend better. But you're a good friend for thinking of this.

I'd go with a text.

Text, definitely. I’ve struggled with TTC and as happy as I am for people it does also kind of knock me sick a bit too, or it used to. But the best way I found was a text, I could react in private, process my jealousy and then the next time I saw them face to face I could be appropriately happy for them.

Another infertile here. Always a text. Under no circumstances phone her or tell her in person. Also, don't be surprised if she takes a step back during your pregnancy. If she does, just give her space and be kind. I would always reappear once the baby arrived.

When I was going through fertility issues I would have preferred my friend to text me before the meet up to give me a day or two to come to terms with it. It would not be that I wasn't happy for you, I would be happy fir you. But I would need that time to get over my disappointment and the constant ache that is wasnt me. When you have fertility issues it is always there in your mind.

You are a good friend to consider telling her privately.

Congratulations and you sound like a wonderful, caring friend. I’ve been in your friend’s situation and agree with PPs - a text is definitely the best way. It’ll give your friend a chance to process the news in her own way and time, before seeing you face-to-face. I’d avoid a phone call (I’ve been on the receiving end and had to hang up abruptly) and telling her in person so that she doesn’t have to put on a ‘brave face’ immediately.

Can one of the others tell her, and then you can 'announcement' when the five of you are together, some will know and some won't, including the indifferent one who can fein interest.

Usually pregnancy news gets around but this way there's less pressure on everyone xx

I had this with a relative. I couldn't tell her before we saw her but I made sure to do so aside from others. I explained I had nice news but didn't want to just announce in front of everyone because I knew she'd been etc for ages without being able to. It was a good thing to have done and the news was well received with appreciation it hadn't been a big deal in front of the whole family

I am perhaps over thinking this. I am just going to text her tomorrow. I won't try and highlight how she might be feeling (thanks @Moiraroseswigs that's exactly what I was afraid of doing) and give her space to feel how she feels.

I'm sorry to all of you who have had fertility issues, it's heartbreaking. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings here. I just need to text my lovely friend 💛

I would avoid having someone else tell her. It could create an awkward situation where she feels like you're avoiding telling her, making it an even bigger issue. She would also have the conversation hanging over her until she meets you as she'll be aware she'll have to congratulate you etc in person.

@heywhatswrongwitu

I'm sure it would be different for different people. Having experience of infertility, I would say that a text would mean I could cry if I needed to, then I could reply when I was able to be happy for my friend.

Exactly this

I'm in your situation OP, it was my bestie who has been really struggling with the mental heth impacts of fertility struggles and telling her was so so hard!
I told her on the phone 5 of 6 days before we had plans to meet but she cancelled on me, sad on our next meet, and has become very distant, which I'm struggling with as pregnancy is not always much fun and I've missed having my best friend there for me, but I get that she needs the space right now and how hard it must be for her.
It's been nearly 6 weeks since I told her, I'm hoping this doesn't come between us long term

@Moiraroseswigs

Congratulations OP. I'm in your friend's position and have had multiple pregancy announcements from friends recently. All have been by text and I've been so relieved as it means I don't have to slap a smile on or sound excited and happy on the phone. I'm delighted for them and reply with genuine good wishes and congratulations but every announcement is still hard so I've been very grateful that it hadn't been in person or in a phonecall.

I also prefer when they don't make a massive deal about how I might feel and that they know it may be difficult for me. When the fertility issues get on top of me I feel pretty inadequate and too much sympathy can exacerbate that.

That's my personal preference, you obviously know your friend better. But you're a good friend for thinking of this.

And this is spot on… Please don’t say “I didn’t know how to tell you” that always made me feel like crap

Wow congratulations!

I'd give her a call and tell her

You seem a very kind person good luck

I've told a friend in this situation by text. I just said, I've got some news, I'm pregnant, letting you know this way as I didn't want to spring it on you face to face - no exclamation marks, smiley faces or any of that crap you'd normally put in an excited message obviously. She replied with congratulations, and appreciation that she'd told me in advance of seeing her.

Appreciation that I'd told her in advance, obviously

@Honeyroar

I was her. I’d have appreciated an honest, kind text. Each time a friend got pregnant I’d be upset, have a “why not me??” moment, cry, wallow a bit, then deal with it and be genuinely delighted for my friend.

I was her too. A text please. A call is difficult as she might have to fake happiness for you when actually she feels like crying. And don’t make the meet up about your pregnancy if possiblez