How to tell friend with fertility issues that I am pregnant?

[CorpusCallosum]

In a couple of weeks I'm meeting up with some old friends for the first time since pre-Covid, there are 5 of us. I am pregnant with our 2nd. I've already told 2 of the group, one is unlikely to care and the last has fertility issues.

She so lovely and kind, she will be pleased for us but she and her DH have been trying for years so it has the potential to be upsetting for her.

I'm absolutely not going to wait till the meet up and spring it on her but equally feel a text a bit out of the blue could be just as hurtful. I'm really struggling and putting it off, I just need to find the words 😔

I wouldn’t make a point of saying some variation of “I’m telling you this way because I know you’ve been TTC and it’s hard for you”. Just text her your news. It made me feel worse when it became about me.
As a pp said, she may withdraw a lot from your life but don’t take it personally.

As others who have experienced infertility have said, definitely a text not a call. Also friendly but matter of fact and not apologetic.

And I’m sure it goes without saying but no scan picture, those can feel like a punch in the gut!

As others have said, text. It meant I could text you back congratulations and have a cry and be ready with the big smile the next time I saw you in person.

I'm assuming the people saying to call have either not experienced infertility, or are just 'outliers' so I'd go with the majority of those of us who've been there are saying.
Text - not a group text. A phone call is awful and in person excruciating.
And yes @kikisparks mentioned no scan pics
Let the news come from you, getting someone else to be the messenger is naff.
Don't go rambling on about her issues, shorter is better. It is happy news, it's just hard to hear.
Don't be offended if she needs time or doesn't seem overjoyed for you. I could mostly manage to convey enthusiasm but it was harder if for example in the middle of another IVF cycle (which my friends did not know about). And it takes a lot of energy to keep up the brave face.

@SouthwestSis it may be easier for your friend after you've had the baby, for some people they are less difficult than a bump. If it's a 'deep' friendship you may well come back to each other in the future, and hopefully other friends can support you for now.

I like how most people having experienced infertility are advising you to text- please listen to them. For me it has been 7 years and I would prefer such news by text or email. Even though you're so happy for your friend, it's so difficult that it's never you that can share such news. I have found that after a while your own emotions become irrelevant and you become genuinely excited for the other person. However I have had friends that have become distant from me because they couldn't relate to what I was going through. I could understand that during their happy pregnancy period they did not want to hear about my latest miscarriage, failed IVF cycle or general heart break. I could understand that they simply stopped asking how I was. This meant that I would start looking for a distance from them because I didn't want to ask how they were so they were forced to return favour to ask how I was. In this situation I would either have to lie (I'm fine thanks) or tell honest misery I was facing. I was ok with loosing friends- that's life. But I often see people state that infertile friend were the ones responsible for broken friendships- and it really works both ways.

Congratulations OP! When we were struggling to conceive and lots of my friends were getting pregnant, I appreciated a text over a phone call or being told face to face - that way there was no pressure to react appropriately.

I’m sure she’ll appreciate that you’re being considerate and thinking of her by telling her in advance; you’re a good friend.

@kikisparks

And I’m sure it goes without saying but no scan picture, those can feel like a punch in the gut!

Oh god yes. Somehow scan photos were so much harder than actual babies.

I agree with the scan photos but what was worse for me was an invite to a baby shower when the friend knew we were struggling that was a real punch in the stomach as no we didn’t go.

I've been on both sides of this. I would definitely text, you want to be able to process on your own and not have to immediately pretend to be happy. I would also say something along the lines of, if you want some space for a while, I completely understand and possibly offer to not go to the meet up if it would cause her pain. Having had friends with long term infertility, I know some of them can't cope with someone newly pregnant and want to cool things off for a while. I'd also tell the other girls in advance and try and keep the chat away from things baby and pregnancy related.

I texted my friend after reading a thread similar to this one. She responded with lots of congratulations etc even though I'm sure it was difficult for her.

We live far from each other but have continued to talk about a range of other things as usual. I haven't brought up my pregnancy again as I don't need to discuss it with everyone in my life, although she will occasionally ask me about how things are going or how I am feeling. I respond and then we move on. It's been working fine for us.

Hi OP
I’ve had many years of infertility and ivf. I much prefer to receive news of pregnancies by text as do the majority of the friends I’ve made through ivf. I appreciate everyone is different though.

I am always pleased for my friends and in no way resent their news. However it’s often hard to hide how triggering such news can be when receiving it over the phone and especially in person. You are also not going to be sure of where in the ivf cycle your friend will be, she may have just found out about a recent failure or miscarriage.

How's it gone xx

I've only sent the message a little while ago, didn't want to do it while she was at work. She's seen it but no reply yet. Feeling quite sad but I'm confident it was the right way to go about it 😢

She's replied with congrats, I said thanks and I was looking forward to catching up properly. We'll leave it there and hopefully have a nice meet up soon.

Having been the other side. A text or email is best, it means she can send a lovely response despite being in tears herself. In person or phone means she instantly has to fake it. I had a friend email me she was pregnant with twins when I was having fertility issues. I was able to send her a congratulations email and be the friend i wanted to be and still rage and cry myself privately.
Honestly being told to your face means checking back tear slapping on a fake smile and leaving asap.

Thats good news OP

@Velvetscrunchy

I’m with *@heywhatswrongwitu*. I’ve been in your friend’s shoes and the best method was always a text.

100% agree

I am her. Please just text her so she has time to process and feel her emotions freely without being on a call and having to control her voice etc. You can check up on her later that day or the next day.

Congratulations OP.
I am also expecting after years of troubles.
Let’s send your lovely friend some baby dust and hopefully it will be her turn very soon

This has been such a useful thread to read … I too want to tell my best friend who’s going through ivf currently and don’t know how as I’ve also struggled with getting pregnant (taken almost 2 years and a miscarriage) & so can understand it won’t necessarily be easy to hear … I had thought face to face would be best but reading all the comments has made me realise perhaps a text is the more appropriate route … thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts and experiences!