Pregnant on DC2 at 21 years old

[Notsodomesticgoddess1]

I Just found out I’m pregnant again. I have a 3 year old from a previous relationship. I am only with current dp 7 months, I’m just going into my 3rd year of college in a 4 year course. I don’t know whether to terminate or not as nothing is really in my favour. I have a 2 bed apartment but wanted to have a house before having any more children let alone only being with dp 7 months. I do want a baby which is what’s making me doubt the ideas of an abortion. The thoughts of having to tell my family I’m pregnant again is what worries me the most. Does anyone have any advice or anyone that was in a similar situation that ended up getting an abortion or keeping it?

Presumably you were trying or at least not not trying to get pregnant? Or was it a total accident?

It’s a failed Morning after pill

You sound like you logically think it wouldn't be a great idea. In yoir shoes I might be tempted to terminate and work on finishing my course/buying a house. But it's up to you of course, can you manage if you become a LP with 2 x DC? Would you want to?

When I said I want a baby it’s more broodiness for the last year but I definitely did not want to get pregnant for another long while not until I had a mortgage, finished college and had a career etc

Yes logically it’s definitely not a great idea. I would be able to manage I’m in a routine of being a mother and a student at the same time, of course it would be tougher but people do it and atm I’m getting top results so even if I dropped a grade I wouldn’t mind. I would not want to be a lone parent again which is another down side. But emotionally I don’t think I’d cope very well after a termination. It’s just hard when I see parents with less than I have who continue the pregnancy and raise their children i know that Everytime I’d see these families I would regret the termination even more. Sorry if I’m not making much sense I’m just all over the place atm

You don’t mention your partner’s thoughts on it at all, which I find a bit odd.

When we discussed it last week incase the MAP would have failed he definitely sided towards abortion as he said he wants the house etc before having a baby and he just got a job 2.5 hours away so he would be away Monday to Friday which was his main concern but he did say he’d support me with either decision

So other than the MAP (very unlucky but didn’t work, you must have already ovulated) you weren’t using any contraception?

Can only assume you both quite wanted a baby in that case, so he needs to take responsibility.

Under no circumstances I would have a child with someone I’ve been with for 7 months. Finish your studies get a job for a year or so in the field you’re studying, get the house, see if he’s still around and then maybe have another child

Neither of us want a baby right now whatsoever. I was on the pill (yazmin) but came off it this month as I was having awful side effects. One broken Condom and a failed MAP later and here we are, I cannot believe how unlucky we are. Since having my son I have been so careful as I knew if I got pregnant I’d be in this exact dilemma

@Notsodomesticgoddess1

When I said I want a baby it’s more broodiness for the last year but I definitely did not want to get pregnant for another long while not until I had a mortgage, finished college and had a career etc

You have a choice. Think with your head, not your heart. Make sure you don't become pregnant again before you are ready!

Good luck.

But the fear of me regretting a termination is what’s putting me off as I’ll have to live with it for the rest of my life

That is incredibly unlucky…

You don’t sound in the best position to have a baby, and you’re only 21. So I know what I’d do. But I’m not you.

@Notsodomesticgoddess1

When we discussed it last week incase the MAP would have failed he definitely sided towards abortion as he said he wants the house etc before having a baby and he just got a job 2.5 hours away so he would be away Monday to Friday which was his main concern but he did say he’d support me with either decision

All good reasons to terminate but only you can make the decision.

As for feeling sad at other people pregnant, raising families, etc, remind yourself you are only 21 and there is time for all that. You already have a three year old, that's more than enough.

@Plumtree391 thank you. Do I really think with my head and not my heart though? Wouldn’t that cause a lot of issues emotionally if I went through with the abortion when in my heart I wanted the baby now that I am pregnant?

Thank you all for replying so quickly. I know I shouldn’t look for validation through other people but it is making me hopeful that I wouldn’t be too traumatised from a termination

See I would think with my heart, so long as you feel that you can handle the practicalities of another child maybe as a single parent. Good luck with your decision OP! Xx

Could the map have done any damage to the pregnancy? Could you cope with a disabled child? (I’m not necessarily saying damage has been done, more asking and saying nobody expects to have a child with additional needs but it does happen and sometimes for no apparent reason).

How long pregnant are you?
Do you feel like there is a baby in you or more like just a seed?
If it’s just a seed I’d suggest there is no need to feel guilty in taking more pills.

Realistically, as you know babies put a lot of strain in relationships. Especially new ones. Practically, what would you do? Who would do childcare? How would you manage financially? What if you split up and he didn’t pay maintenance or take his turn looking after the dc etc.

Could you pick up the course in a years time or whatever and continue? You’d have to spend a lot of time catching up. Do you really want to extend the length of time it will take to qualify and hopefully get a good job?

You want a baby. Fair enough. You have at least a decade of full fertility to get pregnant. There’s no rush. If you were mid 30s fair enough you may choose to keep it for age related fertility reasons but keeping in mind you are young… if I were you I’d get the pills and continue with your life and relationship on track. And have a baby in a few years. Once you are settled with your guy.

But that’s me, you do what’s right for you. Incidentally I have done what I’m suggesting. Not by pills, in hospital. Pills would have been much easier and less medical but they weren’t available back in the day. I felt guilty but I knew I couldn’t provide the life I would want for dc at that time, so I put dc’s right to be born into good circumstances first and my own feelings second.

How do you feel about there being a big gap between your children? Is a smaller gap something you'd have ideally wanted so they can grow up together? This obviously isnt the most important thing but PP's and yourself have been through the obvious so it's something else to think about, if having them closer together might be good for you and your older child is it's less of a big thing if they're older and used to not sharing you. But something to know here, for the future in case you need it though obviously contraception needs a think, is that the MAP hasn't "failed", it's just designed to stop you ovulating if you haven't already, so if you already had then it's not failed it just wasn't able to do its job.

I'm in a similar position, 20 at uni with 3 yo and sue another. Kids will be half siblings

Only you know why you can handle. I obviously chose to keep thinking I can do this all over again, but I'm feeling quite anxious now, thinking about studying, money, being stuck in a relationship (not that it's bad, just that this is it now).

Logically, the answer is terminate but things can totally work out. Too early for me to give a verdict, though. Good luck to you

I'd have a termination asap if I were you.
I'd also have had a termination when I was 18 if I had been you as well though so mine might not be the best judge for you.

@spittycup

I'm in a similar position, 20 at uni with 3 yo and sue another. Kids will be half siblings

Only you know why you can handle. I obviously chose to keep thinking I can do this all over again, but I'm feeling quite anxious now, thinking about studying, money, being stuck in a relationship (not that it's bad, just that this is it now).

Logically, the answer is terminate but things can totally work out. Too early for me to give a verdict, though. Good luck to you

Also, you need to consider childcare carefully for when you finish college. I'll be able to muddle through as a student but I won't have childcare for the baby when I graduate and there's a lot of uncertainty

You need to consider if you want to continue, whether you have support of both your parents and could pay them, and if you can get UC and funded childcare when you leave education

You have so many positives in the mix here that i honestly wouldnt contemplate adding a second baby to the picture..You currently have enough mental/emotional & financial resources to go around-doubtful your partner would hang around-at least he's said its not whst he wants,ignore this&expect him to leave i reckon.
Just push the temporary broodiness away&think of the long game..eye on the prize,so to speak.
In my own similar experience i got pregnant at uni-i had a placement overseas to look forward to&big dreams of leaving UKfor good..my partner at the time was at a different uni so neither of us wanted the burden&we both had career plans.I didnt regret it for a second-i know for sure it wouldve been impossible for me to have travelled&had the experiences/career ive had&my2 dcs are now mid teens-happy aussies living life far removed from how i wouldve lived as a single parent in uk.

@Elieza the map wouldn’t have done any harm from what I’ve read up about it, if it had it might make my decision easier. I feel like there’s a baby in there but realistically a seed is being generous I’m only around 14dpo I’m almost sure. I could take a year out which would technically then give me a year to get a head start on my final year project. That is a very good point I do have so many years ahead of me to have a baby but when I’ve been living this lifestyle of being a parent for the last 3 years my age doesn’t really matter I do the same day to day things as a 30 something year old mother. I had my 3 year old at 16 so clearly not good circumstances at all but we have a roof over our head, a car to drive to school in, im more financially stable than many people i know in their late twenties and my son is living a great life. So that’s what I would tell myself if I terminated for the reason that I’m not in the most perfect of circumstances right now.

@LifesNotEnidBlyton yes I would love for my son to have a sibling closer in age, I actually think about it way way too much and feel guilty that I had him so young because Im now depriving him of having a sibling close in age, but I don’t want those thoughts to overshadow the more important factors

How does your dp treat your child?

@nimbuscloud they get on amazingly! My original plan was to not even introduce them to eachother until we were together a year but being single parent it’s a lot easier said than done. They’ve bonded extremely well, almost too well because I worry that if things don’t work out my 3yo will be heartbroken

@CornishPastyDownUnder if I were you in that situation I would have 100% went down that route also. But being a regular 20 year old in uni compared to being a parent at uni are completely different situations. Every decision I make has to work around my parenting responsibilities so a second child wouldn’t actually deprive me of further travelling/career opportunities etc. And yeah that’s very true i am trying to make the decision with presumption that dp has vanished, I think that’s why I didn’t even mention him in the first post because my 3yo father is basically non existent, there’s always a chance the father will leave but if I continue I have no choice to leave

@spittycup is the baby’s father involved? Do you regret going ahead with the pregnancy?