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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Timing of paternity leave and parental visit

45 replies

VegMam · 05/09/2021 16:42

My parents have suggested they should come and stay with us immediately after the baby is born for a couple of weeks, and my husband should take his paternity leave once the baby is a couple of weeks old. Their thinking being the first couple of weeks are just pretty exhausting and not much fun so they can be around then to help, then my husband can take time off once things are a bit more settled and we can enjoy the time together more.

This is our first child so we don’t really know what to expect.

How have others managed timing of paternity leave and parental visits, and what works well?

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QueenLagertha · 05/09/2021 17:39

Surely you want your DH to be at home bonding with your new baby for the first couple of weeks? What does he think? Unless there's a backstory here and your DH is useless I can't fathom why anyone would think this would be a good idea.

How is your relationship with your parents? Are they likely to wait on you hand and foot? Or will they sit holding new baby whilst expecting you to cook and clean?

I could think of nothing worse than having anyone staying in the early days with a newborn. You need your own space just the three of you while you get used to a new normal.

WheelieBinPrincess · 05/09/2021 17:44

As above, parents staying immediately after sounds like a total nightmare. It’s just going to be DH and I then so we can get our heads round being new parents, establishing feeding times, getting kip where we can etc.

ElmtreeMama · 05/09/2021 17:45

Families are built they don't just happen, for that reason I'd say it would be better to just be the 3 of you at home getting in to a good routine those first few weeks

trilbydoll · 05/09/2021 17:47

If you want your DH to feel completely pushed out and irrelevant, this is a brilliant idea. Your parents can come when you have found your feet a bit, you don't need them there on day 1 telling you how to do everything their way.

Driftingblue · 05/09/2021 17:50

Who would you want helping you on and off the toilet if you were incapacitated in some way? That is who you want in those first couple of weeks.

I’m not suggesting you will need help with that particular task, though it can happen. It’s just that the time after you give birth can be especially intimate and messy and strange. You want someone you are really, really comfortable around to be your helper.

Lonelylooloo · 05/09/2021 17:51

I’ve just had 2 babies in 2 years. Trust me, unless you really don’t like your DH you want him home with you those first 2 weeks.

You’ll need the physical and mental support, your parents can come stay week 3 onwards, no those first 2 weeks aren’t the most fun but they’re an important part of baby bonding!

Xyzzzzz · 05/09/2021 17:52

My Dh is self employed but he took the first week off with dd and then I had my parents help out. He took a week later to entertain his family when they visited. This time I’ve asked him to take a week off and then we can see.

Freshair87 · 05/09/2021 17:52

This sounds ridiculous, as pp said surely your DP wants to spend time bonding with your baby once it's born, when your DP returns to work is when I would expect family to come and help if necessary

WheelieBinPrincess · 05/09/2021 17:54

It’ll be horrible for your DH having to go to work all day and coming home and just having his in laws there 24/7, how will he bond with his new baby?

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 05/09/2021 18:03

They don't honestly sound like they're trying to be helpful. Only you know them obviosupy but this sounds more like they just want to be there themselves. You can't get that early bonding back again and babys dad should 100 % be there more than they should. A newborn does not need to be being passed about like a parcel between four adults all day every day instead of having time with mostly just it's mum and dad and getting to know eachother. Your DH is seriously unlikely to want to leave his newborn so early. Does he really want his ILs muscling in so early anyway? Because all they seem to be doing is making you worry that you'll need them becuase they want to be there. They can help by leaving you to bond as a family and then coming when you actually might need them to help when DH goes back, and if they won't come then its obvious they just wanted the novelty of bonding with baby first.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 05/09/2021 18:05

^ Please ignore typos.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/09/2021 18:05

Why do your parents think they get a vote on when your DH takes leave? Baffling. When does he want to?

If no one knows, he takes it first and they come after.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 05/09/2021 18:06

Circumstances meant my mother was around for DD2s birth and the first two weeks, until DH made it home. It was good having her around, since I also had a toddler... but it was a lot more relaxing just having DH there when he got home.

SylvanasWindrunner · 05/09/2021 18:06

Well your husband's time off isn't to have 'fun'. It's to support you in your recovery and learn how to care for baby, etc. I can't imagine my husband staying at work for two weeks after I gave birth and then taking time off when it was more 'fun' for him.

dementedpixie · 05/09/2021 18:07

I think your parents should butt out and let you, your dh and the baby bond after the birth and then they can come afterwards

FuckingFlumps · 05/09/2021 18:09

To be honest it sounds very controlling rather than helpful.

Helpful would be doing laundry, dropping off some meals or offering a sympathetic ear when baby is being difficult. Moving in for several weeks and booting out a new dad so he doesn't get to bond with his new baby sounds like they want to play at being parents again all whilst you're having to host them.

You absolutely don't need and won't want them there. You and DH need time to figure out being parents and having your parents there is a recipe for disaster.

Simonjt · 05/09/2021 18:09

Unless you would return to work the next day and delay your leave for two weeks you shouldn’t expect your partner to.

You could still have your parents, but they could come over to clean and cook every few days etc and take over the household stuff for the first two weeks or so.

SunbathingDragon · 05/09/2021 18:09

After DC1 (via EMCS) DH and I had some lovely trips out whilst he was on paternity leave. We really enjoyed our first few weeks as a family of three and didn’t want or need others there.

museumum · 05/09/2021 18:10

Husband and father first without a doubt. He needs to learn with you and get to know his child as you do.
Then parents when he has to go back to work.

Doing it the other way is a recipe for your dh always playing catch up and never feeling he knows your baby like you do (something that happens anyway when women are on May leave but no point deliberately compounding that).

8dpwoah · 05/09/2021 18:14

As everyone else, the other way around would be far better for everyone. You might well appreciate a bit of help when DP goes back to work (although I wouldn't want anyone staying overnight any time soon either!).

We made the mistake of trying to please everyone the first time round and it's been hard rowing back from that to doing what suits our family now so I wish we'd just been a bit more hard-faced about it to begin with, as much as it would have still caused bother in the short term.

PlantingGreen · 05/09/2021 18:21

You will definitely want your DH taking his paternity when baby is born. Its his time to bond with baby and help you, not your parents to bond with baby first. Personally if i was your DH i would feel pretty pushed out. My mum came to stay for a couple of days when my DS was 3 weeks old. Im glad we had no visitors before then as it was a chance for us to settle as a family and i had started to recover a bit from my CSection. The timing was useful as well my mum was able to be there when my DH had just gone back to work.

Original poster

VegMam · 05/09/2021 18:25

A bit more context may be helpful, we’re all very laid back people, certainly no one is controlling or muscling in! My parents are basing this suggestion on their experience with their other grandkids, and my husband is open to suggestions it being his first child.

My husband would also be wfh so would have mornings, evenings and lunch breaks with the baby. We’re also planning on shared parental leave so husband will have a big role in the first year.

Interesting to know everyone thinks this is a bad idea as it’s what my sis and her husband did and it worked well for them (her husband is very hands on).

My instinct was first couple of weeks should just be me and husband though, hence asking for opinions here.

OP posts:

Ohhgreat · 05/09/2021 18:30

Remember you will likely feel sore (understatement!!) for the first few days, if not longer, you may have stitches or even a csection scar - are you comfortable with parents being around for that?

SylvanasWindrunner · 05/09/2021 18:40

If you're breastfeeding too, you might find you're sitting around with your boobs out a lot in those early days while figuring it out. If you're happy with them being there for that then fine, but I wouldn't have felt comfortable in the way I would have with just DH around.

showmorekindness · 05/09/2021 18:42

I'd say do what works best for you and your DH even if it's not what most people do, but for me personally I feel those first couple of weeks are precious and I'm looking forward to being in our little family bubble of 3. DH's parents live close by so they'll still pop in and out during his paternity leave but my parents, who will need to stay overnight, are going to wait until he goes back to work.

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