Timing of paternity leave and parental visit

[VegMam]

My parents have suggested they should come and stay with us immediately after the baby is born for a couple of weeks, and my husband should take his paternity leave once the baby is a couple of weeks old. Their thinking being the first couple of weeks are just pretty exhausting and not much fun so they can be around then to help, then my husband can take time off once things are a bit more settled and we can enjoy the time together more.

This is our first child so we don’t really know what to expect.

How have others managed timing of paternity leave and parental visits, and what works well?

Interesting to know everyone thinks this is a bad idea as it’s what my sis and her husband did and it worked well for them (her husband is very hands on).

I find it odd that your parents moved into your sister + partner's house for a few weeks and now want to do the same to you. It seems like they're taking over, and see themselves as a huge part of bringing home the new baby. I understand it's exciting but I wouldn't be happy with them monopolising the event, and pushing out the new fathers in the process.

Honestly fuck that.

I didn’t want anyone but DP and my dog when my vagina felt like it was about to turn inside out, my boobs are engorged and leaking through every top/pad I put on and my baby just wanted me and DP for cuddles to sleep.

@FTEngineerM

Honestly fuck that.

I didn’t want anyone but DP and my dog when my vagina felt like it was about to turn inside out, my boobs are engorged and leaking through every top/pad I put on and my baby just wanted me and DP for cuddles to sleep.

😂 this!

@Whinge

Interesting to know everyone thinks this is a bad idea as it’s what my sis and her husband did and it worked well for them (her husband is very hands on).

I find it odd that your parents moved into your sister + partner's house for a few weeks and now want to do the same to you. It seems like they're taking over, and see themselves as a huge part of bringing home the new baby. I understand it's exciting but I wouldn't be happy with them monopolising the event, and pushing out the new fathers in the process.

I find it odd that an offer of help is seen as taking over, or anything more insidious than offering to help their daughter if she wants it. In my family we all muck in and help out where we can.

They’d be cooking, cleaning etc. rather than taking over baby care.

I find it odd that an offer of help is seen as taking over, or anything more insidious than offering to help their daughter if she wants it. In my family we all muck in and help out where we can.

You can help without moving in for several weeks after the birth of a baby.

Your parents have an odd relationship with your sister, it’s nice you’re all laid back but daddy should be there at the beginning. And newborn days aren’t a spectator sport.

You might want to be in bed with baby doing skin to skin, having food and drinks brought to you while you bleed, breastfeed and recover in general. Day and night blurring into one, sleeping when you can.

If you're not planning to do that then yeah by all means have visitors staying..!

@Whinge

I find it odd that an offer of help is seen as taking over, or anything more insidious than offering to help their daughter if she wants it. In my family we all muck in and help out where we can.

You can help without moving in for several weeks after the birth of a baby.

They live in a different country…

@SylvanasWindrunner

Well your husband's time off isn't to have 'fun'. It's to support you in your recovery and learn how to care for baby, etc. I can't imagine my husband staying at work for two weeks after I gave birth and then taking time off when it was more 'fun' for him.

This. I think it's quite shocking that your family think it's a good idea for a new father to only help once it 'all settles down' - why on earth would he not be there when it's toughest?

The one thing I did wonder is if there's a cultural preference here that you haven't mentioned - do you come from a culture where postpartum women are usually cared for by female relatives?

Not a chance!
I'm having a C-section so know the date (as much as possible).
Planning to book flights for my parents 3 weeks later.
My parents are also very helpful when they stay and generally muck in with meals, DIY, don't expect to be waited on etc but those first few weeks will be for DH and I to get to know the baby.
DH is planning on having about a week off, then will work flexibly so be around to help me when needed.

If my parents suggested to come as soon as the baby's born they will be told thanks but no thanks.

My first thought too was that these parents are either controlling or have no self-awareness to even suggest it.

My DH took two weeks paternity, two weeks holiday. After that month we had figured out a lot of stuff, so I think I'd have been fine with having people to stay after that (well 'fine' in the sense that I could have coped with it, but I find having visitors around for long periods of time quite draining, even family). But the first month just being mainly us was really special and important for us IMO.

On a more serious note; if your parents do live in another country it will definitely put a different tone on things if they were to live with you. It’s such an intimate time, as others have said lots of skin on skin and bodily functions laid bare. Help to pee if it burns.

Do you want your dad hoovering around your feet whilst you sit there for the fourth hour of cluster feeding with your boobs out?

Do you want your mother telling you how it was when she did it? For everything.

Do you want your mother wandering around as you squat over the mirror as you check out your episiotomy stitches?

They could get an air bnb and stay local. Take washing to there and do it for you. Bring you meals.

They live in a different country…

It might have been worth putting that in your OP.

Obviously it makes thing more tricky, as they can't just pop round. However, it still doesn't mean they need to stay with you for several weeks after the birth of your baby. It will completely change the dynamic, and your husband will be pushed out.

oh no way! you need your DH there !

parents should be invited over mabey for a day after you have been home for a while, other than that no! 2 weeks straight after birth is controlling and unnecessary - you will regret it!

We live abroad from all our family. For first DC my parents booked flights for 2 weeks after due date, and DS was induced on the due date in the end, so he was 2 weeks old when they met him. DH didn’t get paternity leave (USA) but he took that first week off work. My parents are v helpful though and cook and clean and look after baby when required so I did feel like I got a break having them for 2 weeks after being home alone during the day for week 2.

DC2 I had a planned c sec. Parents came over to look after DC1 (age 2) for the birth. So yes DH did do what your family have suggested and kept his paternity leave (his company had brought it in then) for after they left. My parents stayed for about 3 weeks in total and cooked, cleaned and looked after toddler. DH did take some days off for the birth and hospital stay etc, but then he had 2 weeks paternity leave after my mum and dad left. It worked for us. My friend did the same when her second was born as she also had no local family.

You don’t need them to look after a toddler though while you’re in labor so I’d have them come after DH goes back to work personally!

I don’t think people are suggesting that it is controlling to come and help you for two weeks, if you’re comfortable with all the previous stuff mentioned then yep great, get some help but the key part is that this would mean you could delay the paternity leave.

Do you just expect your husband to go back to work the day after the baby is born? Ultimately, I think it’s odd to do that, the dad doesn’t just take paternity leave to help around the house or do all the thing your parents could help you with, you will want his support and that time with him and the baby to come together as a family and learn how to be parents. What is his opinion, does he feel like he would be happy to not take that time off work initially with those first few weeks? I read you say he’s chilled out, but he would have a preferred. Also, working at home with a new baby at home for the first two weeks also sounds a challenge to me.

I think as well it might be a bit unfair to expect DP to just hop back into work mode- unless you have the 'dream' easy peasy pops straights out in a few hours sort of birth he will be mentally and physically tired too (not minimising how the woman feels or anything like that before anyone says, I'm just remembering how much supporting me through an induction and stay in hospital took out of DP as well). Ok he works from home but your whole world will be turned upside down from the minute labour starts and I don't think it's fair to expect him to step back out of that and into work mode straight away.

Nope, not for me. I wouldn't have managed without DP, he was my rock in the first few weeks. You're both learning together, it's the first DC for both of you, I think it's a bit unfair and it sounds like he's not really wanted in the first couple of weeks, he can come back and start being a dad when you're settled.

I may be going against the majority here but DM stayed with us for a month after DS was born, arriving the day we got home from hospital. She offered and we took her up on it. DF joined us for a long weekend two weeks in. DH also took his paternity leave at the same time so it actually was the 3 of us for the first 3 weeks. Just for the record, as helpful as it was to have DM stay, I would never not have DH home. So it wasn't an instead of, but as well as.

DM cooked, cleaned and helped with the harrowing night shifts. I still to this day don't know how we would have coped without her, probably an important fact is that we are very close and always had a great relationship.

One thing I will add though, advice around newborns and care has massively changed in the last 30 odd years so we did have to get DM up to speed with all relevant updated sleep guidelines, feedings etc as DS was the first grandchild.