I just need someone to tell me I'm being silly...I'm struggling

[MollySxx]

So after 4 miscarriages within 12 months. I had my first March 2020, my most recent March 2021. It's been a struggling and now I'm still here standing, never mind now standing here pregnant. I'm due a mental breakdown honestly🤦🏼‍♀️

But I know I'm being silly, reading into how I feel or don't feel. I'm a lot more calm this time, but I was crazy before so maybe not that calm. I haven't fed into the testing as much, but I did test a few times just to make sure and I have got some of the strongest positives I've ever had. I'll attach the pictures below and I won't be testing anymore after my test yesterday.

I have an early scan next week with the EPU when I'll be 7 weeks exactly. But im just dreading the worst. I just think this isn't meant for me. But I want it so bad. I honestly feel so lost

I'm so sorry you are struggling. Those tests all look good but it is so hard to deal with the uncertainty.

are you getting good care from your doctors? if there is another miscarriage, you need to try to get a referral to a specialist clinic like this
www.imperial.nhs.uk/our-services/fertility-and-reproductive-medicine/recurrent-miscarriage

there are treatments that can support an early pregnancy but they aren't always easy to find on the nhs.

@parietal yes, I'm under my local hospitals recurrent miscarriage clinic and under fertility care, that's how I'm getting my scan at 7 weeks. I'm also on progesterone and baby aspirin with their plan, but I was also
On progesterone in my recent miscarriage so I'm also worried that's masking another silent miscarriage. My local hospital have been great, I've been with the miscarriage clinic since my miscarriage in March

I was you years ago - 4 miscarriages in 12 months and number 5 was the one that stuck . Wishing you all the best for your early scan x

@pumpkinpie01 that's so amazing to hear. So hoping that's my outcome. As I type this I'm currently on the verge of being sick along with a pounding headache. So I hope this is all good signs🤞🏼

They are definitely signs things are progressing well. Please come back on here after your scan let us know how it went

Oh gosh this is me all over again
I had 10 miscarriages in and around my three children.
Four miscarriages to start...all around 12-14 weeks.
Then I had my daughter. Three more then I had my son followed by another three then another son.

There was nothing wrong with me nor my husband, and Lesley Regan, the consultant we saw in London said we were just unlucky.

It was heartbreaking to see all my friends get pregnant and have children - no problems at all.
I still get people who say "gosh you've got a big gap between your first child and second child....we decided on a short gap!"
Ermmm be lucky you had a choice I didn't!
You'll hear every story under the sun..." oh you probably can't carry boys/girls"
" it's nature's way"
All those ' sentiments' were meaningless, and utter rubbish and they hurt. People just say what they feel they should be saying, when all I wanted was a hug and for them to be there....no trite sayings.

I do look back now (I was stressed beyond belief....scams every two weeks didn't help at all) but that experience has made me a much stronger woman. My children are now 27,21 and 19 and I'd go through al that again just to have them.

Good luck xxxx

@hippychick10 oh my word, honestly wow!

I couldn't agree more with everything you've said. I've had the "it's just unlucky" "it's nature's way of saying not yet" well why is it saying not yet? What reason possibly why. Honestly frustrates me. Even more frustrating that all the tests we had done came back normal and compatible. I was desperately trying to just have someone to pin point it on. This pregnancy now was totally unplanned, we were just not focusing on it. So when I took the test because I was late and just feeling weird, I wasn't at all expecting the positive.

In my last pregnancy that I had a silent miscarriage with in March this year I was on progesterone, which I'm on again so that's really weighing heavy on me thinking it's again masking a miscarriage. I just so want this one to stick. I've wanted them all to stick, but that's done now. But I don't think I can do it again. I truly don't think I can try again and put myself through it. At 26 years of age I really didn't think this would be my outcomes. So nervous for the scan next week because it's like I know the words of "it's not looking good" are going to be spoken🤦🏼‍♀️ I'm torturing myself

Took my last test this morning and I'm promising myself now to now take anymore. My scan is 5 days away, that's the real test. But I'm happy with it this morning and there is no need to do anymore. Step away from the tests🙅🏼‍♀️

I feel you! I've had 4 previous miscarriages- 2 chemical, and blighted ovum and 1 missed miscarriage. I've had all of the tests at the recurrent miscarriages research centre and they found no problems or reasons why I suffer from recurrent miscarriages. I found out yesterday that I'm pregnant again and I'd love nothing more than to be excited but I can't move past the idea that it's gonna happen again. How can I be excited about something that has always ended so painfully for me?

@Dearbria I want to start by saying congratulations🥰 you've got this x

But I'm so sorry we relate on this. I've had such a up and down day today. I think it's the lead up to my scan and it's just filling me with dread, anxiety, not to be dramatic but I feel like a scan always triggers PTSD. It's so cruel this innocence has been taken away. To top it off my 2 sisters in law have announced they are pregnant, one of then 2 weeks ahead of me. So what's the betting I'll be the one to miscarry. That's all that's going on in my mind🥺

hi OP I'm on my 5th pregnancy (16 weeks). I have one son who is 6 and I'm hoping this one will result in a live birth too. I felt better after an early EPAU scan like the one you are having, and even better after the 12 week scan and I'm starting to feel better now that I can feel the first tentative movements.

There is so much waiting and fretting in pregnancy and it takes its toll. I have toyed with the idea of having a 3rd but I find each miscarriage so hard, I don't think I could bear another period of second guessing an uncertainty.

I know people say step away from the tests, but I think it is human nature to want to DO something when you have such intense waiting. My only advice, to keep yourself same, would be to find something everyday that might help you keep yourself occupied that can replace testing. a little 'treat' or some me-time that acknowledges that yes today your are pregnant. For me that looked like a swim, some yoga, a bit of prayer (I'm Catholic so I thought of it as holding vigil) some quiet time breathingand sending breaths down to the baby, something nice to eat or drink that feeds you and the baby, a massage, journaling, counting down each day....it doesn't have to be big or grand, but I think it helps to aknowledge this is a scary, shit time and you need some extra TLC to help you through it. I know there is allot of advice out there about sharing worries and talking about it, and that it helpful sometimes, but other times I have found that there is not much to say- I'm just in the thick of having to endure something really mind-consuming and I just want someone to bring me a cup of tea and say, 'what you are going through is epic and for the next 6 weeks you deserve to lie on a chaise lounge and nothing else is expected of you because this is so incredibly difficult to do.'

It is a really really hard time, and not knowing and uncertainty are really really hard to bear.

Hey @MollySxx I'm also pregnant after 4 consecutive miscarriages in the last year. It's absolutely exhausting, isn't it? I'm on treatment this time and hoping that's what makes the difference. This pregnancy has at least made it further than any of the last 4 did. It's so hard and I think someone who hasn't been through it can quite understand the panic, anxiety and despair you feel desperately hoping to stay pregnant. It's good that you are under the clinic, hopefully that provides some reassurance. I really hope this is the one for you. X

No miscarriages but i had incredibly faint hcg tests /lines and was a total wreck before an early scan. It was not doubling, there was no "dye stealing" they were very faint.

My doctor explained they are nototiously unreliable but to come in anyway. I did and scan was fine. I am currently at 15 weeks

Please stop testing and try not to worry. and good wishes

I’m on pregnancy no. 5 and have a 6 year old, and my god The first three months of this pregnancy were excruciating anxiety wise. After three consecutive losses four in total, I was convinced every day that I would miscarry. I found the EPU at my local hospital were so supportive and a couple of early scans helped a little bit. Im now 31 weeks with a massive tummy and a wriggling baby but until she’s actually here in my arms I don’t think I will quite believe it. My community midwife has also been excellent, so do explain to them when the time comes and lean on them for extra support if you need it. Xxxxx

These messages this morning have helped more than you know! I did have such a bad day yesterday and I've been so positive up until then so I was disappointed in myself for letting myself get into that thought process. Had a good rant to my partner and let it all out. But it doesn't get easier. Just wishing these next 4 days away to see something on the screen. But then I'm sure I'll have a new worry. This baby is just so wanted x

Hi OP, congrats on your pregnancy. I totally relate to your anxiety and had a very similar experience. I found talking to a counsellor and getting some advice on dealing with anxiety and intrusive thoughts really helpful during my pregnancy. I found that once I was pregnant a dam opened and my anxiety levels went berserk. After each positive milestone (heartbeat, end of first trimester etc), my anxiety actually got worse. Counselling really helped. Just a thought :)

Best of luck for your scan!

Hello op! I understand, although I had 'just one' miscarriage I was obsessively testing and running for private scans every ten 10 days. Earliest at 7 weeks. This pregnancy stuck and I'm 30 weeks. It's a weird place to be, the time drags/stands still. I won't tell you to distract yourself because I know it's the only thing on your mind- do whatever it takes even if it's testing and smiling at the lines. No one has a right to judge you :) I read pregnancy after loss which I found comforting and listened to a podcast by md Natalie Crawford 'as a woman ' - there's a very informative episode on miscarriage and loss, telling you how it is. The good and the bad and its full of hope. Her successful pregnancies were number 5 and 6. Don't give up, seek help. Every pregnancy is a brand new chance. Sending you all the love!!!!

I found this somewhere else this site but this was helpful while waiting for the early scan

datayze.com/miscarriage-reassurer

Glad you were able to talk to your OH

Thank you ladies for all your kind words. OH shipped me off shopping today and we got lunch together. Nothing like some retail therapy! I think I just need to go back to being positive like I was. Need to stop thinking I'm having another missed miscarriage because I'm not bleeding or anything of the sort. It's just very very hard

@MollySxx how did you get on at the scan ? Hope everything is ok ?

@pumpkinpie01 everything went perfect. We saw a heartbeat pulsing away so beautiful. They said everything was fine and in line with how it should be and they've given me an appointment for another scan in 2 weeks time for my own reassurance x

Yay ! That's brilliant , bet it felt surreal for you to actually see the heartbeat x

That's fantastic :)

We have a high miscarriage chance, my husband has a balanced translocation and this causes higher rates of miscarriage. Due to the size of the translocation I tend to lose them very early so we have had two that we knew about at 5/6 weeks and possibly more as I've always been a bit lax at tracking my periods except when we were actively trying as it would drive me nuts otherwise.

It took 15 months in total to conceive DS2 and 2 years 3 months to conceive DS3 (DS1 is from a previous relationship). I got much stronger positives with those successful pregnancies.

Everything crossed for you.

I remember you from when I was TTC and I have everything crossed for you that it works out this time. Things are looking really good so far xx

Havent read the whole thread so apologies if this has been suggested, but when pregnant with DS I rented a Doppler(?) so I could listen to his heartbeat whenever I wanted. It wasn't expensive at all and o just sent it back after he was born.