How do I hide my pregnancy on my own hen do?!

[MotherOfShihTzus]

Hello all, I will be 11 weeks pregnant when I leave for my hen do Friday. It's taken nearly 4 years to get pregnant, we finally did through ivf. Some friends know I went through treatment recently, but do not know the happy results. My sister and MOH organising it know, but I just don't know how I will keep it from everyone else - who stays sober on their hen do?! Im just conscious that we are yet to have the all important nuchal scan, which will be the following week.

Is it risky to tell people before? Or should I just embrace it and tell them the happy news?

Why wouldn't you tell them?

Could you pay for a private scan before your hen do? I had one at 10 weeks and then if all is well tell them?

Tell them.

I think you have to tell them. No way you can hide not drinking as the bride in that situation. Congrats!

It’s a tricky one, I would honestly just tell them because you’ll be so stressed trying to hide it and they’ll figure it out anyway. Congratulations!

One of my friends was pregnant at her own hen do. I clicked as she was normally a huge drinker.

Either you are going to have to tell everyone or get those who do know on board with swapping your alcoholic drinks out for non-alcoholic ones when they go to the bar, of course making sure you appear to be drinking spirits which get diluted into coke or lemonade etc.

If anyone queries why you don't appear to be getting steaming drunk, well you want to enjoy and remember the event.

Yes I think in this position I’d be trying to get a private scan booked in today or tomorrow, as unless you are normally teetotal, it will be blindingly obvious the second you don’t drink. If the friends are on your hen do, they are presumably close enough to know you are pregnant, even if it is a few days early. It’s not ‘risky’ as such, it’s just a matter of fact: ‘girls, I’ve got something to tell you all/you may know we’ve been trying for a baby for a while now/well, I’m pregnant, but it’s early days/I hope you understand that I’d prefer if we didn’t make a big deal of it, but I thought I’d share the happy news with you all by way of explanation as to why I’m not having a drink’ - done!

Why does it need to be a secret?

I hate that when you don’t drink you have to come up with endless excuses. Why can’t someone say they just don’t feel like drinking and everyone else be ok with it.

I’m teetotal and get thoroughly pissed off with all the “are you pregnant/on antibiotics” every time I go out, and the endless trying to push drinks on me.

Anyway. Two possibilities. Firstly tell them. Secondly rope in MOH/sister, get them to buy you “vodka” and coke - without the coke. They can also have a quiet word with the bar staff, i’ve poured endless vodkaless cokes for people who aren’t drinking but feel the need to hide it.

Sorry- without the vodka!!

You could say you are starting ivf very shortly and need to be alcohol free whilst in the run up to the injections etc.

(If you don't want to tell them)

I would just tell them how it is, until you've had the scan and are sure everything's ok then you don't want everyone to know, but you have to share with them

My hen was completely alcohol free, wasn't pregnant I am just not a big drinker/clubber. But that was me. If I was in your shoes (and you are usually a drinker and they will notice) I'd try and get a private scan for reassurance and tell them. Hope they've organised activities you can enjoy sober!!! Obv the only risk is if the scan doesn't go well you ruin your hen.

But congrats on both baby and wedding.

Thanks all, I have had private scans as 7, 8 and 10 weeks: I guess there's just added anxiety about the 12 week as that's when they test for chromosomal abnormalities. I think the fact it's taken me so long to get here means I'm just worrying too much that things might go wrong. I think telling them is probably the right thing to do - and if it dies all go wrong then at least they'll understand the situation after...
Thank you all so much! I'm just overthinking/ worrying too much!

Yes you are overthinking it. Tell them, it will be a different hen do but you will feel all their love and be completely spoilt. So sit back relax and enjoy the attention.

I think tell them if you want
But if you don’t want to, that’s ok
If you were my friend who I knew had been TTC/having ivf I might clock if you weren’t drinking but would have the sensitivity not to say anything

I think if MoH knows that would be ok as she can make sure you have the right drinks

It would be pretty insensitive or rude for any of your friends to question you about not drinking if they do clock it

ah if you've had a few scans already I'd do what the PP said and tell them (if they're on your hen then surely they're your closest friends) but explain its still a bit early and don't spread it

I went on a hen where the bride and her mother didn't drink. They were both trying to lose weight before the wedding and hadn't been drinking for a while. No pregnancy. Everyone just accepted this. Tell them you are trying not to drink prior to the wedding to ensure your best health and a rosy glow on the day.

I was worried after a miscarriage also - a private scan at ten weeks with a heartbeat has a low risk, it's comparable to the 12 week scan.
I didn't actually get the all clear from my 12 week screening until almost 15 weeks - I had no clue it'd take this long to get the letter! But having had private scans, I felt okay to tell family and close friends. I told work and extended family after 16 weeks.

Enjoy your hen! And if you feel like you want to, tell them. It'll make a nice atmosphere.

Also, I got the Naughty alcohol free sparkling wine for a hen recently, and I felt tipsy and in great spirits. I think it was to do with drinking it in a champagne glass along with everyone else, and the associations with drinking champagne. Certainly didn't feel I was missing out, and was in fact glad to dodge the shots

Drink lemonade and pretend it's got vodka in?

Not sure why early pregnancy is so clandestine, surely if a miscarriage does occur then it's much better to have support and understanding from your friends and family rather than pretending nothing happened. Good luck OP🤞

It definitely depends on yourself & how you're feeling.
I had my birthday party when I was only 7 weeks, with just a small group of friends. I worried about it for ages in advance but eventually decided it would stress me out more trying to hide it & fake drink than to just admit it.
My friends knew I was trying to & it actually came up because they asked how it was going & can't lie for shit so even if I had been fake drinking, the first time someone asked it would have been obvious!
You do have 2 people who can help you fake drink if you want to keep it a secret so that would probably make things easier. Though when people want to buy you drinks to celebrate it's more difficult than a social situation where you're not the focus!
I totally understand why you want to not tell people yet, I explained it was really early & I had concerns about miscarriage so didn't want to make it a big deal yet.
But even after my 12 week scan I still have those concerns honestly!
In the end, I had planned to tell them because I decided if I did miscarry I probably would have told them if that had happened to get support. So that might play a factor in your decision too, if you'd feel comfortable telling them about a miscarriage if it occurs.

@MotherOfShihTzus

Thanks all, I have had private scans as 7, 8 and 10 weeks: I guess there's just added anxiety about the 12 week as that's when they test for chromosomal abnormalities. I think the fact it's taken me so long to get here means I'm just worrying too much that things might go wrong. I think telling them is probably the right thing to do - and if it dies all go wrong then at least they'll understand the situation after... Thank you all so much! I'm just overthinking/ worrying too much!

I would be exactly the same

@NautaOcts

I think tell them if you want But if you don’t want to, that’s ok If you were my friend who I knew had been TTC/having ivf I might clock if you weren’t drinking but would have the sensitivity not to say anything

I think if MoH knows that would be ok as she can make sure you have the right drinks

It would be pretty insensitive or rude for any of your friends to question you about not drinking if they do clock it

Totally agree with you, I don't know why people have to comment. If the person wants them to know they will tell them but people have this bizarre need to be 'right' about guessing a pregnancy which seems to trump sensitivity, good manners or just not being nosy.

Not sure why early pregnancy is so clandestine, surely if a miscarriage does occur then it's much better to have support and understanding from your friends and family rather than pretending nothing happened.
It depends entirely on the person (and the kind of family they've got) @TeachesOfPeaches which is why it's up to them. No, I dont think I would find it easier for my family to know in the event of a miscarriage. Very many people would and I have supported people through miscarriages so I know we're all different. But I wouldn't want it for me, so I wouldn't want to tell them.
I am pregnant and will tell family when I feel ready.

However it sounds like OP would on reflection be happy enough to tell this group which is good.

Sorry OP I forgot to congratulate you on both counts. Hope all goes well.