Agonising over terminating third pregnancy

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Asking for advice as I am honestly losing my mind with uncertainty over what to do about my unplanned third pregnancy. I have 2DC close in age who are both at primary school and was just on the cusp of some time to focus on my career and future etc. Discovered I am unexpectedly pregnant (nearly 11 weeks now), and am just completely torn on what to do. I veer from totally sure I need to terminate to totally sure I can't, and almost feeling quite excited to have another child.

All my doubts come from worries about how it will affect my two children - quality of life, me being tired, holidays being difficult etc, and the prospect of any additional needs of another child changing our lives too much. I have this vision of my life just being so complicated and exhausting and wishing I had never changed everything by having a third child. On the other hand, if someone could promise me everything would work out well, I would be excited to go for it (obviously this is nonsense and there is probably not even any such thing in life as 'all going well', but just to know it wouldn't ruin everything I suppose).

Saying that, I was always on the fence about whether we were 'done' at two children and so feel absolutely wretched to terminate a pregnancy that, at times, I would have said I would be excited to discover. I'm also terrified that I might terminate and then find myself desperate for a baby in another year or so. What a total mess.

I don't even know what I am asking here, I am just completely desperate. My husband will support me whatever but thinks we should go ahead and have the baby - although, to be honest, it will be me who does almost all the childcare so I don't think it truthfully does affect him as much. Argh, I am totally lost.

Overall you sound like this is a positive situation. With two other kids at school the experience of having a third will be different / easier.

If you juggled two fine, the third will not change your lives dramatically.
I say this as someone who had a surprise third!

thank you Dangermouse, it's interesting because your message is what I realise I 'want' to hear, which is perhaps telling. I just see so many people saying they'd have stuck at two if they knew how hard it would be, and it genuinely terrifies me. Thanks for posting.

My surprise third is just packing for university, so I’m not in a position to be calm and logical about the idea of life without her!

The baby years were a bit of a slog, largely because the older two still didn’t sleep much at night. And she’s mostly brought herself up while we focused on a sibling’s special needs. She seems to have done a pretty good job of it.

What’s your financial and work situation?

I had a surprise third. It has made life much harder. Although of course I love them, I do wish it hadn't happened and that I had had just two children.

I had a surprise third after we’d decided we were totally done at 2 (vasectomy was book, we were adamant). I won’t lie, it’s been hard, really hard. Family dynamic totally changed, needed bigger cars, bigger house, life got even more expensive.
But I absolutely would not change it for the world now. Watching the older ones with their younger sibling has been beautiful, the way they take care of each other.

You do sound like this is a positive thing for you. It will be an easier experience with the older two at school. We decided to go for it because I knew I just couldn’t go through with a termination. Even though it wasn’t what we wanted, don’t regret it now.

@Dozer

What’s your financial and work situation?

I don't 'need' to work, and have just left my part time job to do my own thing freelance - I was planning on doing this from home and timings are flexible. So it would be hugely impacted but it's not a complete deal breaker.

@Lancelottie

My surprise third is just packing for university, so I’m not in a position to be calm and logical about the idea of life without her!

The baby years were a bit of a slog, largely because the older two still didn’t sleep much at night. And she’s mostly brought herself up while we focused on a sibling’s special needs. She seems to have done a pretty good job of it.

thanks for sharing, it's really useful to hear from people who have actually coped with three. Returning to a lack of sleep actually really scares me (which sounds pathetic), but my youngest didn't sleep through until 2.5 years old and I was so bloody tired I could hardly function.

I had a surprise third who is about to start uni. I was so wracked with the uncertainty through the whole pregnancy that I didn't even go to any of my antenatal appointments as I was in denial. However she was a complete dream baby and brought such joy to the family 🥰

@Sleepinghyena

I had a surprise third. It has made life much harder. Although of course I love them, I do wish it hadn't happened and that I had had just two children.

Thanks for that, I think this is what I am worried about really. I know I would love the child and that there would be lovely moments with a third, but I am scared that overall it will tip me into a lifestyle I find really, really hard and exhausting. I'm really grateful for the post, thank you. Honesty from people who have actually managed three children is what I need to hear I think.

First it is difficult to be in this position

Second I am pro choice, whatever you end up deciding it is your choice.

However, I can only go on your post, I'm always reticent about posting on threads like this as only the people in the situation really have any knowledge or advice but from what you have written it feels like you would regret the termination more than the extra chaos having a third brings. I have more children than I ever imagined or planned, it can be chaos, my earnings have stalled but I don't regret it. Good luck whatever you decide.

@Mummysgonetobed

I had a surprise third after we’d decided we were totally done at 2 (vasectomy was book, we were adamant). I won’t lie, it’s been hard, really hard. Family dynamic totally changed, needed bigger cars, bigger house, life got even more expensive. But I absolutely would not change it for the world now. Watching the older ones with their younger sibling has been beautiful, the way they take care of each other.

You do sound like this is a positive thing for you. It will be an easier experience with the older two at school. We decided to go for it because I knew I just couldn’t go through with a termination. Even though it wasn’t what we wanted, don’t regret it now.

I don't know when I became such a wimp, but the thought of things being 'really hard' really scares me, I'm honestly unsure I can cope with it. The sibling dynamic sounds lovely in your house, you must've done a great job of helping the older ones feel connected to, and involved with, the littlest

I had a planned third and she was a delight. Just got dragged along to the hobbies of the other two, and never complained. Even now she’s very placid and accommodating.

@Nanny67

I had a surprise third who is about to start uni. I was so wracked with the uncertainty through the whole pregnancy that I didn't even go to any of my antenatal appointments as I was in denial. However she was a complete dream baby and brought such joy to the family 🥰

this sounds like me! I finally phoned the maternity team yesterday and the woman spoke to me like I was a complete weirdo for not phoning until 11 weeks and told me they'd struggle to see me now. That didn't help my general feeling about it all and actually tipped me back towards 'what am I doing, this is all a terrible mistake!'

If someone could promise me a dream baby who brought joy to the family I would be so excited, I seem to dwell on all the negative possibilities these days.

I am 39+5 with an unexpected third.

I was genuinely gutted when I found out as DH had made it very clear he did not want any more and although my heart liked the idea of another cute baby, my head completely agreed with all of his reasons.

Weirdly, once I got out of the first trimester and a) stopped worrying about MC and b) stopped feeling like shit, it has honestly been like this baby was planned all along.

This sounds awful, but if you miscarried tomorrow, how would you feel? Devastated? Relieved?

@GoodnightGrandma

I had a planned third and she was a delight. Just got dragged along to the hobbies of the other two, and never complained. Even now she’s very placid and accommodating.

this would be everything I hoped for! I (touch wood), don't find having my 2 very hard, and if a third could somehow fit in and come along for the ride I think it might be wonderful. I have major self doubt about it all panning out that way though!

@Ducksurprise

First it is difficult to be in this position

Second I am pro choice, whatever you end up deciding it is your choice.

However, I can only go on your post, I'm always reticent about posting on threads like this as only the people in the situation really have any knowledge or advice but from what you have written it feels like you would regret the termination more than the extra chaos having a third brings. I have more children than I ever imagined or planned, it can be chaos, my earnings have stalled but I don't regret it. Good luck whatever you decide.

Thank you so much for this kind post, I know what you mean, it's impossible to advise someone based on such a small amount of information.

I just feel wretched this morning, woke up at 5am after a nightmare in which I gave birth to a 40 year old man my husband insisted on calling a name I don't like, had to breastfeed the giant man-baby while it tried to talk to me and then lost the plot and went out clubbing miles away (haven't been clubbing in about 10 years), before realising I had abandoned my baby and then couldn't get back home.

My mind is clearly a mess!

@PrimeraVez

I am 39+5 with an unexpected third.

I was genuinely gutted when I found out as DH had made it very clear he did not want any more and although my heart liked the idea of another cute baby, my head completely agreed with all of his reasons.

Weirdly, once I got out of the first trimester and a) stopped worrying about MC and b) stopped feeling like shit, it has honestly been like this baby was planned all along.

This sounds awful, but if you miscarried tomorrow, how would you feel? Devastated? Relieved?

Oh that is v reassuring to hear. I definitely relate to liking the idea of a baby but knowing that the bigger picture is far more complicated. It's lovely to hear you are now feeling ready for it all though, and like it was meant to be.

In answer to your question, I honestly don't know. I ignored the fact I was pregnant for many weeks because I just kept thinking I would have a miscarriage and it would go away. Now it hasn't it just still doesn't feel real to me at all and I don't feel connected to the idea of being pregnant, more like it's a surreal joke.

The other side is that you can struggle with a third but would you struggle more with the after effects of a termination. For many people even when they are completely certain that it is the right decision it is difficult emotionally, if you are on the fence it can be incredibly complex. It still might be the right decision but you but its so hard when asking for opinions as no one can give you both sides.

The family dynamic is undoubtedly different with three. You get a ‘big ones and little one’ effect. But having that slightly bigger gap meant our littlest had two (mostly) admiring and excited older siblings, who were also able to entertain each other a bit, rather than rivals for my attention.

Middle child would tell you that he is in fact terribly emotionally neglected and overlooked. He would also tell you that his little sister is one of his favourite people, and that they would be friends even if they weren’t siblings.

@Ducksurprise

The other side is that you can struggle with a third but would you struggle more with the after effects of a termination. For many people even when they are completely certain that it is the right decision it is difficult emotionally, if you are on the fence it can be incredibly complex. It still might be the right decision but you but its so hard when asking for opinions as no one can give you both sides.

You are right, it's impossible to advise, I'm just beside myself really. I think if I had to decide I needed to terminate I would just have to focus my mind on all the reasons it was the right decision and then never let myself waiver from them. I think I would be able to do that if I framed it as the best thing for my two children. I could ignore my vague desires for another baby if I knew it benefited them not to go through with this pregnancy. It is all so complex and emotional, and no one can really tell me what to do, I just feel so lost in it at the moment.

We had an unplanned 3rd child. My husband was angry, I was really sick throughout and just down right miserable. However, I continued with the pregnancy, she was a dream baby, slept 9-6 from birth with one feed at 1am, then slept through from 6 weeks.
She was such a happy baby and the transition from 2-3 was far easier then from 1-2, she just slotted in.
All 3 are teenagers now and we've never regretted our happy accident 😊

@Lancelottie

The family dynamic is undoubtedly different with three. You get a ‘big ones and little one’ effect. But having that slightly bigger gap meant our littlest had two (mostly) admiring and excited older siblings, who were also able to entertain each other a bit, rather than rivals for my attention.

Middle child would tell you that he is in fact terribly emotionally neglected and overlooked. He would also tell you that his little sister is one of his favourite people, and that they would be friends even if they weren’t siblings.

Oh this made me cry, the last sentence is so sweet. My two ask for 'a baby' quite a lot, but obviously have no concept of what it would actually mean for them or us in reality. I sometimes hope the age gap would be quite good, but having had two so close together I also worry that another one at this stage would just have nothing in common with them and would never be included in the same way. So much to worry about!

Oh I feel for you. This was my situation recently. We even went to appointments to discuss things. In the end, I couldn't do it. One professional asked if we have space, are happy in life and our relationship and can afford the third child. We could only answer yes.

Maybe those considerations might help channel your thinking too.

@summerisnearlyhere

We had an unplanned 3rd child. My husband was angry, I was really sick throughout and just down right miserable. However, I continued with the pregnancy, she was a dream baby, slept 9-6 from birth with one feed at 1am, then slept through from 6 weeks. She was such a happy baby and the transition from 2-3 was far easier then from 1-2, she just slotted in. All 3 are teenagers now and we've never regretted our happy accident 😊

Oh well that is amazing and lovely! Why can't the universe just guarantee one of these dream babies and then I could stop having a panic attack about it all. My youngest didn't sleep through the night until two and a half and I think that has really put me off ever doing it all again as I genuinely don't think I could cope with that and two older children!