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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Agonising over terminating third pregnancy

45 replies

ToastT · 01/09/2021 07:13

Asking for advice as I am honestly losing my mind with uncertainty over what to do about my unplanned third pregnancy. I have 2DC close in age who are both at primary school and was just on the cusp of some time to focus on my career and future etc. Discovered I am unexpectedly pregnant (nearly 11 weeks now), and am just completely torn on what to do. I veer from totally sure I need to terminate to totally sure I can't, and almost feeling quite excited to have another child.

All my doubts come from worries about how it will affect my two children - quality of life, me being tired, holidays being difficult etc, and the prospect of any additional needs of another child changing our lives too much. I have this vision of my life just being so complicated and exhausting and wishing I had never changed everything by having a third child. On the other hand, if someone could promise me everything would work out well, I would be excited to go for it (obviously this is nonsense and there is probably not even any such thing in life as 'all going well', but just to know it wouldn't ruin everything I suppose).

Saying that, I was always on the fence about whether we were 'done' at two children and so feel absolutely wretched to terminate a pregnancy that, at times, I would have said I would be excited to discover. I'm also terrified that I might terminate and then find myself desperate for a baby in another year or so. What a total mess.

I don't even know what I am asking here, I am just completely desperate. My husband will support me whatever but thinks we should go ahead and have the baby - although, to be honest, it will be me who does almost all the childcare so I don't think it truthfully does affect him as much. Argh, I am totally lost.

OP posts:

namesnamesnamesnames · 01/09/2021 07:57

@Ducksurprise

The other side is that you can struggle with a third but would you struggle more with the after effects of a termination. For many people even when they are completely certain that it is the right decision it is difficult emotionally, if you are on the fence it can be incredibly complex. It still might be the right decision but you but its so hard when asking for opinions as no one can give you both sides.

I was told this. It can be an awful struggle in life. I know now that I would have been one of those women. Everyone is different though.

Hungry675tf · 01/09/2021 07:59

I've not been in your position OP but reading your posts it strikes me that you sound more favourable to continuing the pregnancy than termination

I say this as someone who hopes that if I found myself on the same position then I would have the courage to terminate (and I do think it takes courage) as I know in my gut I couldn't cope with a third.

Best wishes whatever you decide

Original poster

ToastT · 01/09/2021 07:59

@namesnamesnamesnames

Oh I feel for you. This was my situation recently. We even went to appointments to discuss things. In the end, I couldn't do it. One professional asked if we have space, are happy in life and our relationship and can afford the third child. We could only answer yes.

Maybe those considerations might help channel your thinking too.

Thank you so much for this, that is very helpful ,and I really appreciate the message. I'm sorry you were in this position too but hope you are feeling happier now you have a decision and can start to look forward to it all. I can't believe how hard I have found this, it's really thrown me.

OP posts:

namesnamesnamesnames · 01/09/2021 08:01

Honestly, we now have the wonderful third child and couldn't be happier.

Original poster

ToastT · 01/09/2021 08:01

@Hungry675tf

I've not been in your position OP but reading your posts it strikes me that you sound more favourable to continuing the pregnancy than termination

Best wishes whatever you decide

thank you for posting, I can see that it probably sounds like I am leaning more towards continuing and I think that is probably true. I just can't unpick where that is coming from as truthfully, on paper, it would make a lot more sense for me to terminate. I agree with you that it takes strength to make that decision, and I am genuinely worried that I don't have enough of it to make the best decision. It's very tricky and I'm really grateful for the advice and input on here as I have no one to talk to beside my husband.

OP posts:

Original poster

ToastT · 01/09/2021 08:03

@namesnamesnamesnames

Honestly, we now have the wonderful third child and couldn't be happier.

oh that is so brilliant, when I read that I have this flicker of excitement that maybe it could all work out for us too. It's nice to know not everyone finds three a disastrous number of children.

OP posts:

summerisnearlyhere · 01/09/2021 08:09

@ToastT my middle child woke every 2 hours until she was nearly 1, so I was dreading going through that again! I definitely think that by number 3 you are so much more relaxed and know what you're doing and the baby just picks up on it and is chilled too
I think the trick with DC3 was that when she did wake in the night I didn't put on any lights or change her unless she'd got a dirty nappy, didn't even wind her. Just picked her up fed her, and put her straight down again.
I actually chose to enjoy the night feeds with her as I knew for sure I would never be doing it again, and it was just me and her totally alone having uninterrupted mummy and daughter time

Beamur · 01/09/2021 08:11

My DD is my DH's 3rd. She has two older siblings.
The dynamic of 3 was good for us. It's a bit less intense than 2 and although in our case there's a big gap (just over 10 years) they get on really well. If anything I would say DD is closer to one of her siblings than they are to each other.

Staryflight445 · 01/09/2021 08:15

I’m in exactly the same position as you but I’m around 7 weeks. I have decided to keep but some nights I fill with dread and wonder if I should just call the termination clinic.

I don’t have any answers op, it’s absolutely horrible being in this situation.

mumofmunchkin · 01/09/2021 09:42

We had a planned third - 3 is pretty chaotic, and my babies don't sleep through until they are 3/4 (youngest is 2.5 and still up once or twice a night), but the dynamic between the three of them is amazing. The youngest adores his older brothers, and they love taking care of him. There is a bit of a "big kids" "little brother" split, but that's slowly getting less as he gets older. It's a very different dynamic, but once we got through the baby stuff his needs have become more similar to the older kids and he has just slotted in.

ShoesEverywhere · 01/09/2021 10:32

I'm seven weeks with my two eldest in school. Feel very similar to you. Don't have anything else to say really. On days I'm so excited and happy and then other times I wonder what the hell I did and think of how much I will resent keeping on being a SAHM for years and potentially running my older children's lives. Doesn't help that we are on a walking holiday at the moment and my husband is loving the age of the kids and being able to do stuff with them like climbing and I feel like this will set us back ...

MoiraRoseWigCollection · 01/09/2021 10:39

My surprise 3rd baby is now 9 months old and is the light of my life.
My other 2 DC are 6 & 4 and the 3rd just comes along for the ride. She really is the most chilled little thing and the adoration that the older DC have for her is heartwarming.
When I found out my initial reaction was not great. I actually booked a termination but I couldn’t go through with it. I was worried about money, housing, how my body would cope with another pregnancy (not great!) and how the family dynamic would change. My DH is a very hands on Dad and even with that I was scared about the level of work it would all be.
Even though she is still so small, I haven’t found things that much harder. The jump from 1 to 2 DC was definitely harder!

AlexaIWillNeverSayDucking · 01/09/2021 11:19

It sounds like you want to continue with the pregnancy more than terminate it, and I'm completely pro-choice. If you are thinking you might want a baby in a year or two, then it will be an even bigger age gap and even more difficult and stressful. If you were going to have a third, it sounds like a good time.

My DH had a surprise third sibling when he was at the upper end of primary school. He does remember holidays in his teens being a bit childish, but he wouldn't swap his sister for anything in the world, especially a holiday when he was a mardy teen anyway, looking for something to complain about. I think the fact he can remember her babyhood and childhood so clearly helped him become one of the most hands on and fun dads I've seen, unphased by all the parts of having a baby or child. It was definitely a steeper learning curve for me, having grown up in a bubble that revolved around me and my 2 yr younger sibling.

Dozer · 01/09/2021 13:00

You say you don’t ‘need’ to do paid work, but IMO unless you’re independently v wealthy, not working (or not working much) for some years is a massive personal risk in the event of bad things happening, eg divorce.

It’s harder to work the more DC. Can obviously be done, with a decent partner who is genuinely prepared to share parenting and domestic work, curtailing their paid work . But a lot of men are unwilling to share the work, and can get much too used to being ‘facilitated’.

CrimeJunkie01 · 01/09/2021 13:10

My 3rd (surprise) DC started secondary school today. We were done having children. We three out all the baby stuff the week before I found out I was pregnant. I cried when I found out. I had also just lost all of my baby weight and didn't want to get fat again (!!). Plus I couldn't afford another one.

I wouldn't be without him now. He is brilliant and funny and makes my life so much better. I was skint for years but I would honestly say it was so much easier than I imagined.

Xdorx · 15/02/2022 10:21

@ToasT how are you? I hope you were able to make a decision that you have adjusted to? I'd love to know how you are doing as I find myself in a similar position and find it unbearable. My husband is very supportive of whatever I choose but it does just mean it's all down to me to decide which feels impossible. Xxx

yikesanotherbooboo · 15/02/2022 10:31

I had a surprise third , missing them terribly now they are at university.
They have had quite a lot of medical problems but that doesn't interfere with how much they are loved by me, DH or their siblings.
My experience of life is not that DC resent not having foreign holidays or expensive treats and more people to love is a bonus for all imo ( as long as you have enough money for food,roof, clothing ,heating etc.)
DH found the pregnancy difficult as he was very ambivalent about the impact of a baby and that had a long lasting impact on our relationship but from the moment DC3 arrived he was smitten and I have never regretted adding to our family.

Querty123456 · 15/02/2022 10:36

It might also be worth considering that it would take at least 2/3 weeks to arrange a termination.

pickingdaisies · 15/02/2022 10:58

OP you made a comment about it making sense on paper - but this isn't something you can work out with a list of pros and cons (sorry, stating the bleeding obvious). This decision has to sit right with you, in your heart, for the rest of your life. Either choice isn't right or wrong - you shouldn't have to feel you need to be stronger than you are to make it. You are you, you have the strength that you have, the feelings that you have - don't feel guilty about that.

pickingdaisies · 17/02/2022 13:53

Aarrrggghhh, old old thread!

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