1st trimester misery

[HTQP2022]

Hi All. Hoping someone can reassure me this is normal. I feel so guilty, we have been trying to 2 years and after a host of medical issues finally pregnant. I've been wanting this for so long and I'm just not enjoying it. I feel bloody miserable. I ache, I'm sleepy, I'm naseuous from morning till night, I throw up every other day, I can't even stand the smell of my husband so I have kept my distance so he doesn't trigger the vom. I've got a few weeks left to go to 12 weeks. Last night he just lost it and told me that he knew I was feeling bad but I need to pull it together. I know I need to but honestly I can't even bend down and get something without feeling bile coming up. I am just a pitiful sloth...

And I see all my friends who have had kids and none of them seem to have been like this. I just feel so weak and stupid but it's not like I can snap out and say don't worry I'm not sick now, I can help round the house like normal.

I sympathise. I hate the culture that surrounds pregnancy and motherhood, i.e. that men just don't understand and that it seems to be some sort of badge of honour among women to have had an easy pregnancy and birth, so anyone saying otherwise is silenced by, "Well so and so just got on with it..."

It's horrendous, it really is. I sympathise, but you will most likely start feeling better eventually. Go to the doctor and get a sickline. Ignore all the judgey haters. Put your feet up, if you can.

You sound like me not that long ago - like you I felt bad that I was not enjoying it after so long of trying to get here. It's horrible feeling so sick - definitely speak to your GP or midwife to see if they can help. Consider time off work if you're feeling so ill. Most of my friends didn't get as ill as me but you can't really compare yourself, it's all on a scale! My partner did most things around the house for that period and I certainly couldn't pull myself together.... I can say from my experience to hold on in there and it has got better as time has gone on. But I think it's OK not to enjoy it when you feel like crap, and OK to give yourself a break!!

Arghhh it's awful.
You're not overreacting and your partner isn't being helpful.
I'd like to see him feel the way you do for weeks on end

I feel the same! I’m so tired and nauseous, every bite of food is a lottery of “will I feel better or will I vomit”. It’s crap. This is my second pregnancy and is much much worse than I remember the first one bring (though I was lucky enough to be on holiday at this point last time time and I had a lot of lovely siestas). I’m trying so hard to do a half decent job at work and to take good care of my toddler but it’s such a struggle. I’m just holding on to the fact that I know it gets better though it feels a looong way off at the moment.

Sympathy OP. Your husband needs to get with the programme!

Imagine if blokes carried the baby

I cannot even imagine how that would work. Shudder

Thanks all. Reading your replies made me smile with gratefulness! Feeling not so alone!

Yeah he's not usually such a plonker but maybe the household chores just got to him 🙄.

I've logged a call with the gp I think you're right to try and make this manageable!

I really do hope it does get better as everyone says!

Aww OP congratulations and I'm sorry you're feeling so unwell. I was sick as a dog from 5 - 13 weeks and had some very scary bleeding and lots of pain in the first trimester too. I was so anxious and upset and felt very sorry for myself!

But the second trimester was smoother, and I actually enjoyed the third most of all by far which I didn't expect, but every pregnancy is different (and DS was premature so I didn't get as big and fed up as I might have I suppose!! Not that I would recommend an early baby of course )

I completely understand, I was so happy to get pregnant until I hit 5 weeks and it's honestly been the worst few months of my life since then, I'm now 12 weeks and my nausea & exhaustion have abated slightly only to be replaced by completely debilitating heartburn which stops me sleeping, I'm hoping to go to the doctors this week about it.
Don't feel guilty about feeling miserable, you can still be happy to be pregnant but hate the current experience.
I only have 2 friends who've recently had babies & they are both just like 'oh it'll get better soon' but they didn't have symptoms anywhere near as bad & one keeps texting asking I feel better yet & when I say no she doesn't text for another few weeks which is annoying.
It does really seem to affect some people differently to others. So don't feel like you have to live up to your friends experiences, it's a different journey for everyone.
With my husband I struggle with the smell of his body wash so he's agreed to swap to something scentless & I've had to buy him a tongue scraper because his breathe is now unbearable.
I don't really know what to advise with regards to talking to your husband but he really needs to be more sympathetic. Just because other people have had easier pregnancies, doesn't mean you can just 'snap out of it'.
He needs to understand that the exhaustion is not something he can even comprehend, I've never experienced anything like it in my life and I've had extended periods of insomnia previously. He needs to consider how he would feel if all day every day he felt nauseous and was throwing up, it would seriously affect his productivity too!
My husband has luckily been sympathetic, but his mother had a bad pregnancy so she's been encouraging him to look after me & my mother is around a lot & despite having an easy pregnancy herself is saying how sorry she feels for me. Perhaps you can try to orchestrate him having a conversation with women in his life who might encourage him to understand what a difficult thing it is to go through a pregnancy and how he needs to be stepping up and supporting you when you're not able to be at 100%. (How is he going to react if you have a traumatic birth and are on bed rest whilst having a new born? He'll have a lot more to do to look after both of you if he's not coping now!?)
My husband is a little lazy in the sense that he'll do a bit more around the house now I'm so unwell but if there's a lot that needs to be done then on the weekend I try to pick something I can do like laundry & ask him to hoover/clean the kitchen, whatever else needs to be done. It definitely kicks him into gear a bit seeing me do chores and he accepts my requests more easily if I'm doing something too. The general state of the house has obviously slipped but it doesn't feel like a priority right now anyway.
I really hope your husband gets a better attitude because whilst your symptoms could improve by 12 weeks, there's no guarantee and you don't want him to be making you feel guilty for your whole pregnancy if you're not well.
Definitely talk to your doctor if your symptoms are debilitating and hopefully they can help.
I do hope things improve for you soon!

Hi,
Well you’ve made me feel better. I’m in a similar position and I’m just finding the nausea, vomiting and tiredness unbearable.
I seem to have a whole host of negative emotions running through my head constantly. I feel guilty that I can’t pull my weight around the house or be romantic with my partner. I feel guilty at work because I had to go home sick today. I feel weak and pathetic and envy others who seem to be able to just get on with it. I feel worried and scared that I’ll go on feeling like this for weeks and weeks. I feel scared in general at the enormity of bringing a child into the world. I feel lonely, very lonely actually, as we’re waiting until 12 weeks to tell family so I don’t feel there’s anyone I can talk to about it.

All of these emotions coupled with the physical symptoms are a gruesome combination.
My partner is good about it but he obviously doesn’t fully understand. He wants me to be proactive and positive in fixing the morning sickness issue but it’s hard when you’re zapped of energy.
I’m just sincerely hoping that the sickness eases off soon as I honestly find it near impossible to complete any task with the constant nagging feeling of nausea in my stomach.
Sorry if I’ve not reassured you but hopefully you’ve had some good advice of others in the thread.

I hope you feel better soon

Not much to add except - I'm in the same place. It's horrible and depressing!! Your DH needs a reminder that it's worse to feel the way you do than it is to be doing extra around the house (that's what I keep saying anyway)

I felt horrendous from about 5/6 weeks till now 11 weeks. I still am far from recovered but it is so much better!! I found being able just to vent to DH or friend or my mum really helped.

After a deep conversation with DH about how isolated i felt as he was being less than helpful/supportive, he is now really trying hard. Realised i will not be helping with cleaning anytime soon.It's worse though as i have already started getting spd so no hoovering anytime soon for me!

I also am temp working from home. If i couldn't have done that, i would have taken sick leave as no way i could be at work feeling how i did.

You have my full sympathy! I didn't enjoy being pregnant. I was horrendously nauseous partway into the 2nd trimester, had a busy and fast paced job and my brain turned to mush, had to cram onto the tube every day and had the worst skin I'd ever had in my life.

Things massively improved once the sickness buggered off, but I was never one of those women who loved pregnancy. I did and do absolutely love the end product though and years on, I've mostly forgotten about the initial misery. Dont feel bad, it's tough when you feel so horrible day after day. It will get better and it will be worth it.

Last night he just lost it and told me that he knew I was feeling bad but I need to pull it together. I know I need to but honestly I can't even bend down and get something without feeling bile coming up. I am just a pitiful sloth...

OP you may have HG. Can you take fluids on board easily? Don't worry about food but crunchy things like salty crisps, ginger or watery fruits may be edible but really fluid is the only thing which really matters. Have a look at the HG support threads here. GP will likely be most concerned about fluids as dehydration can be an issue.

Most women do start to feel better after the first trimester but it can leave you very tired and take time to build up energy levels. Just take it one day at a time.

DH is being an arse. Tell him to grow up and do some homework. Would he ask someone with a broken leg to "pull themselves together"? You are ill at the moment, he needs to shape up.

I just want to say thank you so much it really helped not feeling so alone. And to everyone in the same boat I hope this helped too!

I spoke to DH last night and slightly broke down over it. I think he was in shock he did say he hadn't realised how much I was affected by it (male blindness...). The upshot was though as another poster put on here is that he wants me to concentrate on just me and fix it positively so I feel better. I did try and say there's no magic cure but as long as he's not making me feel guilty around the house I guess it's a win!

I don't think I have HG as not excessively being sick just feeling it but will see what the gp says today. Definitely struggling with fluids so that is a concern!

I don't think I have HG as not excessively being sick just feeling it but will see what the gp says today. Definitely struggling with fluids so that is a concern!

HG doesn't always involve heavy vomiting - can be just immense nausea is a problem because you don't get the relief of vomiting (if that makes sense). Can also cause retching without vomiting.

You may just have bad first trimester sickness, may be HG - talk teh details through with GP and work it out. Dehydration is often the key health problem caused by severe HG, most of the rest is awful but survivable.

Really glad to hear you were able to have a productive conversation with your husband and that his behaviour came from naivety about your symptoms & not him just being unsympathetic
Don't pressure yourself too much to find a cure for your nausea, it took me weeks of trying to find a routine of food that made me feel slightly better but sometimes I will literally develop a food aversion overnight, like I liked something one day and now can't bear it. So it's not going to be a linear journey to find out if you can improve your symptoms and it's a lot of guesswork and trial & error. The first few weeks were definitely the hardest as I was so mentally drained but try to note down what you can eat if you can & how you feel. You might see patterns that help you devise a diet that eases your nausea. The advice to not let my stomach empty helped me the most, I keep crackers by the bed for this but there's still days where I throw up in the mornings so nothing is perfect solution. Ironically everything that helped me with my nausea seems to make my heartburn worse so it's been sort of back to square one from 9 weeks for me.
I would follow advice from others about talking to your doctor about HG, worth checking even.

I am 10 weeks with my third and I completely sympathise- it is miserable! But it does pass. My two previous pregnancies I felt better at 16 weeks and great for the rest of the pregnancies. With my 2nd I vowed I would never put myself through it again, yet here I am! How quickly we forget. I think this might be why people aren’t prepared for how horrendous the first trimester can be because everyone forgets/or is so wrapped up in feeling ok that they forget to warn everyone 🤢

This was me throughout my first trimester.
We had been trying for a baby for years and when I finally became pregnant, the feeling if illness took over any happy feelings I should have had.

I had HG, except I didnt know and struggled until 11 weeks feeling absolutely dire.
The constant nausea, vomiting, inability to eat or drink properly, exhaustion, not being able to go into the kitchen due to food smells and not being able to do housework because of feeling so low really just took it out of me.
My midwife was no use and told me the 1 stone weight loss was absolutely normal and to basically get on with it.
It was thanks to this forum that I was prompted to go to my GP who gave me meds which have helped massively.

Throughout this Ill be honest and say DH has been amazing. He has actually done everything around the house. All the food shops. Cooking, cleaning, washing etc. Not once has he complained and I know I am incredibly lucky to have had that much support.

No two pregnancies are the same. Nobody I know has suffered like I have. Some have had nausea but not as bad as ive been. They all promised that i would feel better by 12 weeks, but it hasnt been that straight forward.

Speak to your GP. You may have HG. You dont have to be vomiting continiously to have it.
See if they can prescribe some anti-nausea meds they can provide.
Take your time and rest when you feel you need to.
It does get better, but no two people are the same so you could feel great in 2 weeks, or in 2 months. Who knows.

Hang in there though.
Your body is doing something amazing at the moment. It will really knacker you.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.

If I may share my own experience, we had 3 miscarriages before having 2 beautiful DCs. But throughout all the pregnancies I never 'enjoyed' the process. I was throwing up during the first trimesters and was in constant fear of how things might go wrong. Hang in there, and know that everyone's experience is different 💐

You are not a slob! My first pregnancy I was sick 24/7 for the first 14 weeks. This time (I’m now 33 weeks) I was sick 24/7 for the first 18 weeks. Both pregnancies have been my dream come true, yet it was an absolutely dreadful time which I spent mostly in the bathroom crying. Unfortunately men are men… they will never relate, they think “oh well you wanted this so much, what’s the problem now”. They do try to help but still they can’t … very few can.. after 20 weeks a whole new symptoms might come: problems with sleeping, breathing, walking, taking, leg cramps, aweful dreadful heartburn, pelvic pain and so on - in my case everything :) my husband is trying to be helpful but he just cannot relate he told me it’s so difficult for him becouse he just cannot understand how a woman feels. Hang in there!!! It WILL get better and it will all be worth it!!

Oh bless you OP I remember that feeling! I'm now 17 weeks and it's all gone but I had several very self centred cries about how terrible I was feeling- I fully broke down on the bed one day about how much I want the baby to be okay but I want to be okay too
It will be better one day, and someone on here did say to me you know it will end.. it might be the whole 9 months but it 100% will which really helped actually!

@HTQP2022 Hi 👋 just wanted to say you’re not alone. Thanks so much for writing this and sorry to hear you’re feeling this way too. I’ve always thought first trimester was a state of bliss. None of my close friends have started having children yet so I only have colleagues/ family to go by. But either I wasn’t paying attention or someone failed to mention the never-ending nausea and perpetual state of lethargy! I’ve got from 10k steps a day and working out several times a week to being unable to do much else other than dry heave or play The Sims (I am 32). Waiting for my second trimester glow up. Hope you get yours too! 💕

Hi,
This is exactly how I feel and I have been feeling very lonely as no one around me seems to understand so thankyou for your post. I am 16 weeks and although the past week I have felt the odd day of feeling more like myself, the rest of the time I am in bed feeling more exhausted than I've ever felt in my life. It is miserable to feel like this for months on end. I have vomited pretty much every day since week 4 and most of the foods I used to love make me feel physically sick at the thought, there isn't much I can stomach and I struggle to go downstairs because of the smells of the kitchen make me sick. On top of this I have had little sympathy from work and I am feeling the pressure to return because if I don't I won't qualify for statutory maternity pay. But I work as a support worker, long shifts and a lot of responsibility, not really the sort of job you can sit down or be running off to vomit in the loo every hour, I need to be on the ball. We have now told family and my mother in law although I love her to bits she is very much "I worked up until the last day of my pregnancy & returned to work 3 mnths later & expect everyone else to do the same". She's a very successful business woman and although we only told her about the pregnancy yesterday, she is already reiterating to me that I have to go back to work. On top of this I'm suffering with awful anxiety about the pregnancy, constantly worrying about whether the baby is okay and fearing the worst. Also terrible guilt about the way I feel. I am so happy to be pregnant, and love my little one already but I didn't expect pregnancy to be like this. I also feel weak, and pathetic as well.

I know when I had my dating scan that made me feel better temporarily, seeing our baby bouncing up & down in there was probably one of the best experiences of my life. I have booked a private scan next week for reassurance. I think day to day the fact that I don't feel pregnant, just sick, doesn't help. I'm hoping when I feel more pregnant when I start showing and baby starts kicking this will help me to cope with being sick.

You're definitely not alone in how you're feeling x

@HTQP2022 I am 30 and have also been playing Sims 4 on my laptop. It's the escapism I need and I have been eyeing up the expansion packs 🙈 really tempted by Sims pets!

First trimester is awful. The fatigue is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Tired to my BONES. And the nausea!
I would liken it to an absolutely hideous hangover that you can’t escape from.

Currently about 6 weeks (ish) with baby number 2, I'm really bloody feeling it this time around. It was so easy with DD that I could quite easily forget I was pregnant so this is all new to me, i feel sick, keep going dizzy, stomach and back ache already (knackered back!) as well as having a toddler to run around after and work to attend. I'm bloody exhausted!