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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I’m 12 weeks pregnant, and my best friend has just miscarried

30 replies

WilliamsJess96 · 01/08/2021 23:25

I’m 12 weeks pregnant, and I’m due to have my second scan on Thursday (first one being at the EPU when I was 6 weeks).
My best friend and I always said we wanted to try around the same time so that we could experience our first pregnancy together.
I am now 12 weeks, and I have planned a dinner with all our friends next Sunday to announce it to the group - my best friend included although she is one of three people that already know.

She told me the other day that she is also pregnant, around 5 weeks. I was so unbelievably happy for her, and we were both very excited to only be 7 weeks apart.
Although I found out today that she has miscarried. I’m so completely heartbroken for her, I just have absolutely no words…

I’m now stuck on what to do about my own pregnancy.. I feel like I can’t speak about it or be excited about it anymore after what has just happened to her. My boyfriend and I had planned to start telling close friends and family after our 12 week scan on Thursday, and now I don’t know if I can… do I hold off telling people? I’m already starting to show and feel like I can’t really hide it much longer. Our other best friend is due to get married at the end of August, so I would really like to tell her sooner rather than later for the sake of her wedding.

I really don’t know what to do. I feel like my best friend wouldn’t want me to hold off telling people or expect me to not be excited about it, but I feel I just can’t do that to her. As expected, she’s very distant at the moment, and I haven’t actually heard from her since. I have messaged her my condolences of course, but I just don’t know what else to do… any advice would be greatly appreciated 🤍

OP posts:

JackJack84 · 01/08/2021 23:30

I was in a similar-ish position last year & while it stung that my friend was pregnant & I wasn't I never held any ill will towards her. I was genuinely so happy for her but also sad for myself. I wouldn't let this stop you telling close friends & family, although tinged with sadness this is still a happy time for you & your partner.

I can understand why your friend has chosen to distance herself from you for now, it's very raw & I'm sure she doesn't want to make you feel bad in any way. Have you asked her how she feels about going for the meal?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2021 23:30

I would take it easy on social media, but of course you tell your friends and family whenever you wish to. It's very sad about your friend, but life goes on. It would be unreasonable for anyone to expect you to not express happiness over your pregnancy.

Carycy · 01/08/2021 23:33

I would tell friends individually but not do a big announcement. I would also lay off a social media announcement.

Original poster

WilliamsJess96 · 01/08/2021 23:39

@JackJack84

Thank you! She hasn’t said anything at all to me, let along about going to this meal… it was her boyfriend that called me to tell she she has miscarried. I just don’t know what to do, I told her I’m here to listen if and when she’s ready but I haven’t heard from her at all ☹️

OP posts:

Original poster

WilliamsJess96 · 01/08/2021 23:43

I did think about doing this as well. Although I can’t stop them from talking about it after I’ve told them, and most likely someone will bring it up around her and I just feel like I’m running it in her face almost when that absolutely isn’t the case at all. It’s also not my place to tell anyone else that she’s miscarried and to not talk to her about it. Our friends group include all the same people. ☹️

OP posts:

uktrippin · 02/08/2021 00:29

Just keep it low key, you don't need to "announce" anything. It won't have any impact on your friends wedding will it? That sounds like a non issue.

NoYOUbekind · 02/08/2021 00:36

Don't do a big announcement - let people know by text individually before the meal out. Keep it low key. Keep checking in with your friend. That's all you can do.

Your friend will not want to take away any of your joy; you don't want to do anything to hurt your friend - keep telling yourself that and you'll be fine.

I was in exactly the same situation by the way, except worse because my friend was also my line manager. So she had to do all my pregnancy work stuff, had to see me every single day at work etc etc. She was amazing and I will never forget how brilliant she was.

Original poster

WilliamsJess96 · 02/08/2021 07:42

I think it’s more the fact I don’t want to take away the limelight from her on her wedding day, especially since she has had to cancel it 3 times due to Covid, which is why I want to tell her sooner rather than later. That way I won’t have to have the awkward conversion as to ‘why are you not drinking at your best friends wedding’…

OP posts:

ineedaholidaynow · 02/08/2021 07:46

Do you need to do the big meal thing, just text people you want to know?

ReeseWitherfork · 02/08/2021 07:56

I was at a pregnancy announcement dinner for one friend while a few of us knew another friend had miscarried a couple of months earlier. Honestly it was so damn awful, I'm still mad at that friend for announcing it so publicly. Carry on telling your friends and family but I'd personally suggest avoiding a big group announcement.

You said you don't think you can be excited; you probably feel like that because of the sadness for feel for her. Let yourself experience the sadness, be there for her, and then you'll be in a better place to be excited. It's hard to feel those two emotions at once, and you're not doing yourself or your baby any disservice by putting your excitement on hold while you process. Plus, you have every right to feel sad too; she's your best friend and you love her.

Chelyanne · 02/08/2021 08:26

I've been on both sides of this.
Honestly just tell her in private before doing a huge announcement, give her a few days to process the news. It's really hard to hear of other peoples pregnancies when you are grieving the loss of a pregnancy but it can't shadow others joy.

sarah13xx · 02/08/2021 08:26

It’s such a hard one 😔 We had been trying for a few months, I was in the two week wait about to test and my best friend had a miscarriage around 7 weeks. I was heartbroken for her and thought I just hope I’m not pregnant this month. I left it a few days and we had been messaging back and forwards so I thought I really should tell her we were trying so this doesn’t seem weird if I’m pregnant in a month or two. She was lovely about it and said it will happen for us etc. Of course 2 days later I found out I’m pregnant! I was delighted but we hid it from them until I was 12 weeks, I think we’d usually have told them sooner but I just wanted there to be as big a gap as possible between the two happening. She was delighted for me when she found out and I think it had softened it quite a bit by the fact she knew we were trying too.

Long story short she had another miscarriage 😔 my baby is due soon and I’m absolutely dreading her coming to see them. I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable at all and I’m sure she will be so happy for me but I can’t bare to see her hold the baby etc knowing how much she’s hurting. It must happen a lot though, but quite often people probably don’t know it’s happened. The amount of insensitive comments that I’ve noticed people make since being aware of this situation though 🤦🏼‍♀️

If I were you I maybe wouldn’t tell them face to face. I know that kind of ruins it for you but if you could tell them by text or something it will mean the excitement has died down a bit by the time they see you. Since my friend has had a second miscarriage it has definitely taken a lot away from my pregnancy. It’s not that I can’t mention it, I just feel like I don’t want to. I’ve barely posted anything about it on social media etc because I just know each thing she sees is bound to sting 😞 It will all work out okay though and they will have a lovely baby at the end I’m sure, it’s just hard just now!

Carefree1 · 02/08/2021 09:35

It’s a really tough situation, that I can sadly relate to (being the person to miscarry).
My best advice is to not blindside her and make big announcements in public whilst her and/or her partner are there. Also, be wary of social media posts - if you feel you must post a big announcement and photos of every blooming scan etc. then give her the heads up first. Personally, I muted everyone that made pregnancy announcements as it was too much to take. Every milestone of yours will be a reminder of where she would have been/coming up to in her pregnancy.
She will be happy for you, I promise you that, but it is incredibly hard and she may well distance herself from you for a while to protect herself.
It’s nice that you’re thinking of her feelings though, so you are a good friend xx

Original poster

WilliamsJess96 · 02/08/2021 11:23

Thank you 🤍
I’m also so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.
I’m not one to post my life online anyway, but I would like to post just once to inform people I don’t often speak to. I will absolutely wait a while before I do that though.
I have spoken to her partner and he seems okay and he said that she is fine, and just a bit down which is completely expected. They are going to try again, which is lovely. I have sent her some flowers to show how much I am thinking of her.

OP posts:

Allthingspeaches · 02/08/2021 11:38

I've had a MC and also been in your position of having a pregnancy to announce at the same time that my friend had a MC.

I would still tell your friends, I wouldn't tell them at the dinner. I would text them afterwards. I didn't want to cause my friend more pain. Not that she wasn't happy for me, she already knew about the baby but I didn't want her to have to deal with the excitement/baby chat in our group chat.

She still keeps up with my pregnancy and asks about it and how I'm doing. I just follow her lead. I think that's the best thing you can do. HTH

TheDaydreamBelievers · 02/08/2021 11:55

I agree with general consensus - do not do big announcement, but do tell people, and maybe let your friend know that you've told them. With her, I'd send a message saying you are thinking of her and in a few weeks maybe offer to meet like you usually would (coffee or whatever)

TheDaydreamBelievers · 02/08/2021 11:56

Sorry missed your update - flowers is lovely. You could maybe do the fb post at 20 weeks ish? Means its after abnormality scan for you guys and also a while off for her.

LemonPeonies · 02/08/2021 12:01

I would talk to her. I've had miscarriages and thought I was infertile for 11 years but now I finally have my child. I never resented friends for having children while I was going through that and when I finally did have my baby I announced on social media without a thought. Enjoy your pregnancy, be kind to your friend, there's no need to hide it or minimise it. Life goes on.

shivawn · 02/08/2021 19:33

I had the same situation, when I was 15 weeks pregnant one of my best friends told me she had just had a miscarriage at 5 weeks (this was before I had told her or anyone else that I was pregnant). I had actually planned on telling her that day that I was pregnant but it obviously wasn't appropriate so I just supported her as best as I could and waited a few more weeks before I told her and any other friends about my pregnancy. I told people individually and I haven't posted anything on social media, partly to be sensitive to her and partly because I wouldn't be in to making a big deal of it anyway.

It's been a few months since I found out about her miscarriage and she's still struggling with it and the fact that she hasn't gotten pregnant again yet. When I see her I try to keep the conversation on her and our social circle as much as possible rather than going on about pregnancy. She was a little distant for a while but she is making a big effort to support me and be excited for me now. Its just a really tough situation.

Jesskir89 · 03/08/2021 00:14

This happened to me. The day I found out I was pregnant my friend miscarried so I held off telling her I was pregnant but she then found out off someone else and was upset. I would continue your plans as normal but keep checking in and see how your friends doing

CharlotteRose90 · 03/08/2021 00:32

I’ve been there . I would carry on as normal and check on your friend. Let her know you are there for her. I don’t believe it’s fair that you should hide your news and not post updates etc. It’s a joyous time for you and while it’s horrible for your friend a real friend would be happy for you and not want to see you hide it. I supported all my friends during their pregnancies despite my issues.

Maggiesfarm · 03/08/2021 01:24

@Carycy

I would tell friends individually but not do a big announcement. I would also lay off a social media announcement.

I agree with that.

Let's hope your friend will become pregnant again soon. So many people miscarry early in pregnancy and they cannot avoid other people who are pregnant.

You are a lovely friend to be so sensitive, I wish everyone was like you but don't let it stop you feeling (quietly) happy about your baby. Congratulations!

mayblossominapril · 03/08/2021 01:41

I didn’t tell friends and family I was pregnant until after 20 weeks both times. I wanted to have had the 20 week scan before I told people and not much happens in the first 20 weeks apart from feeling exhausted! Could you wait a few more weeks?

Rtmhwales · 03/08/2021 02:00

You're being sweet.

I got pregnant in November and one of my closest friends got pregnant two weeks later. Another got pregnant in February. I had a miscarriage in December. The friend that got pregnant at the same time (and just had her baby boy a couple weeks ago) has been amazingly supportive throughout it, no issues.

The one who got pregnant in February banged on relentlessly about her worries about miscarriage and birth defects etc. It got to be too much and I cut her off. So if you do talk about your pregnancy don't go overboard with your concerns. Can be hard because you're used to leaning on one another.

I'd just announce individually and not a huge group function.

Littlemiss41andfabulous · 03/08/2021 11:15

Hi,

My cousin and I decided to try getting pregnant at the same time. She conceived first and when she was 3.5 months so did I and we were very excited to be pregnant together. I miscarried soon after which was hard but she was very thoughtful and supportive (like you are being). She gave birth at 32 weeks and the day she was admitted to hospital I got my BFP and am now 14 weeks, and have been sharing my pregnancy journey with her whilst she has her healthy newborn daughter. So in reality we did end up being pregnant for 5 weeks together at the same time, and it's still worked out lovely for us both.

I hope for a similar outcome for you and your friend, especially as they're keen to try again.

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