I’m 12 weeks pregnant, and my best friend has just miscarried

[WilliamsJess96]

I’m 12 weeks pregnant, and I’m due to have my second scan on Thursday (first one being at the EPU when I was 6 weeks).
My best friend and I always said we wanted to try around the same time so that we could experience our first pregnancy together.
I am now 12 weeks, and I have planned a dinner with all our friends next Sunday to announce it to the group - my best friend included although she is one of three people that already know.

She told me the other day that she is also pregnant, around 5 weeks. I was so unbelievably happy for her, and we were both very excited to only be 7 weeks apart.
Although I found out today that she has miscarried. I’m so completely heartbroken for her, I just have absolutely no words…

I’m now stuck on what to do about my own pregnancy.. I feel like I can’t speak about it or be excited about it anymore after what has just happened to her. My boyfriend and I had planned to start telling close friends and family after our 12 week scan on Thursday, and now I don’t know if I can… do I hold off telling people? I’m already starting to show and feel like I can’t really hide it much longer. Our other best friend is due to get married at the end of August, so I would really like to tell her sooner rather than later for the sake of her wedding.

I really don’t know what to do. I feel like my best friend wouldn’t want me to hold off telling people or expect me to not be excited about it, but I feel I just can’t do that to her. As expected, she’s very distant at the moment, and I haven’t actually heard from her since. I have messaged her my condolences of course, but I just don’t know what else to do… any advice would be greatly appreciated 🤍

Ah Op it is really hard and you sound like a caring friend. I have been there.

I miscarried at 11 weeks, one of my best friends went on to have her healthy baby boy when we had the exact same due date! We both had told one another early in the pregnancies that we were expecting, it’s one of those friendships. However it did make it very difficult.

I miscarried again a few months after again at 11 weeks, all the while her bump grew and if I’m
honest I did find it painful. She was so sweet and supportive, we look back now and it was one of the hardest times as she felt like she couldn’t be openly excited about her baby and I felt jealous of her if I’m totally frank.

We were lucky we got the happy ending, when her son was born I was 6 weeks pregnant with my daughter. Yesterday, her 4 year old snuggled up with my 3 year old and watched a film on the sofa whilst our 1 and 2 year old second babies messed about on the floor.

Please don’t take it personally if she distances herself for a while, it is not about you or your baby, I just found I couldn’t be around pregnant women or babies when I was grieving for the baby I so desperately wanted. Your friend may be ok but she also may need some time.

I found once my friend had her baby and he was a real person - not a daydream or a wish unfulfilled - it became much easier to be around him and be there for my friend again.

Hope your scan goes well, congratulations.

My sister and I were just one week apart and I was beaming with excitement...

Until I found out I was going through a miscarriage.

Thankfully she gave birth to a baby girl, but throughout this time I just distanced myself as I was grieving very heavily especially when she posted a picture that the baby girl was born.

It took me time to just go and visit her & congratulate her but I guess I'll have to live with it

I'm in a similar position, although much later in pregnancy.

My friend would be 27 weeks tomorrow and I will be 32 weeks on Thursday, but last week her waters broke and unfortunately, after much care in the NICU her little girl died in the early hours of Monday morning... I'm devastated for her and feeling really down about it. I want to be able to support her as much as I can, but I can't help feeling I'd be a trigger for her since we've spent the last few months cooing over WhatsApp over baby stuff and getting all excited together about our little girls. It's so difficult when you know any positives you're experiencing will be a trigger for your friend.

Sorry to not have any advice and to hijack the thread, but I don't know who else to speak to really!

My plan is to (since I sent her a message of condolence when I found out yesterday) give it a couple of days and then message her to see how she's doing. If she doesn't want to talk, I really wouldn't blame her!

I wouldn't hold back on telling people your news but I would perhaps be a bit more reserved in how I went about it e.g. I'm not personally posting any updates on social media about my pregnancy (I wasn't doing that much anyway) because I feel I'd be rubbing it in my friend's face.

This happen to me and my friend she went to her 12 week scan and found she had a mmc, the same day I got my bfp, she knew the day my period was due knew we were trying so I couldn't hide it from her. She has been so supportive ( had a high risk preg) and I hope I have been to her. She even threw me a baby shower. I asked her how she felt me sharing preg news and to tell me if it was to much.
I know you don't want to upset her but don't hide ur joy and excitement or feel like you can't be happy. Fingers crossed she will go on to become a mum and you will celebrate together when she does