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Original poster

Different ideas on how many kids - what happened?

44 replies

BiscuitLover09876 · 01/08/2021 19:50

Im interested in other people's experiences and how it ended up. (Please be kind- Dh and I have both tried to be really respectful of each other over this so please don't make assumptions).

DH and I have been together 10 years, married 5. We both always wanted 2 or 3 kids, me very strongly 'think about it constantly since I was a teenager' sort of thing (which he's always known!) With him it was more of 'a family sounds nice' and he liked what he had growing up, but also didn't give it too much thought.

For some reason he seems to have found having our DS (nearly 2) really difficult. It's everything- lack of sleep, lack of personal time and I wonder if he's going through a bit of an identity thing too. He has some anxiety which hes working on, covid helping nothing. He admitted to me that he doesn't feel an urge to have any more. At first it was because he was exhausted and things were really hard so I understood why he didn't want a second right away (even though none of that put me off and never stopped being broody Blush). But now sleep is better and he's at nursery more, but he still wants to keep delaying ttc. He's now saying that even though things are better, he just doesn't feel the need to have another one. He's not sure he ever will. Sad

He knows how much I want more kids and he actually got really emotional about the whole thing today as feels bad about it but can't help how he feels. We've agreed to park the conversation for another few months and see how we both feel then.

I'm just wondering who else went through this and what you decided? I'm assuming we'll look at counselling if we can't work it out. Honestly feels gutting though. I can't imagine not even trying for another kid. Really curious to anyone else who's gone through this and how it ended up.

OP posts:
Original poster
BiscuitLover09876 · 01/08/2021 19:52

He really wanted DS and doesn't want another atm and we both agreed it wouldn't be fair on another child if it wasn't wanted in the same way. He genuinely thought he wanted more so this is all a change. Sad

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 01/08/2021 19:53

It sounds to me like he’s stringing you along.
You need to decide what you want more, DH or more children.

I wanted another child but DH said no. He won.

Original poster
BiscuitLover09876 · 01/08/2021 19:58

So you chose dh instead? How do you feel about that now - do you feel like it was the right decision?

I'm worried about being resentful, but I can see the logic that we have one and we both have to be ok. I dont want to lose him and be alone for what, just in case I find a lovely person who wants another? 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 01/08/2021 20:02

I wanted a fourth, he didn’t.
I’m comfortable with the decision now as I’m older and wouldn’t have wanted a kid still in school, and that’s where it would be now.
You should do what YOU want. But you can’t force another on him.
Is he in charge of contraception, or does he leave that up to you ?

BlueSurfer · 01/08/2021 20:05

I think he has made his decision but doesn’t want to be too categoric about it because he has the sense to realise it might be the end of his marriage.

I also think it’s quite normal to find the early years with children hard work and in a way, it’s easier to get it out the way by having them fairly close together. There are loads of great times to be had with little children but in fairness, lack of sleep can make it difficult to appreciate them.

MargosKaftan · 01/08/2021 20:10

Is your dh an only child? Could you ask your DH to think in terms of not does he want to have another child, but does he want DS to have a sibling, for there to be someone else to grow up with, to have family beyond you and dh? (Particularly as he grows up, to have a sibling is helpful.)

Ask him to think longer term, not just about going through the babystage again, but how would your family be when older.

MargosKaftan · 01/08/2021 20:11

Agree its easier to have them close together, apart from anything else when they are older they are at similar stages in what they find entertaining- makes days out etc a lot easier.

spooney21 · 01/08/2021 20:17

I know you say dc is sleeping better and things more settled but those baby years will still be fresh on his mind. I think you're right to put it to bed for a little while. Ultimately though if he doesn't want another it would be cruel to bring another child into that environment.

DaisyDozyDee · 01/08/2021 20:17

I wanted 3, he wanted 2. Circumstances meant 2 ended up being right for us. Things may have been different if number 1 hadn’t taken 10 years to put in an appearance, meaning we are much older parents than we’d initially planned to be.

Buttons294749 · 01/08/2021 20:23

There s a big difference between stopping at 1 and stopping at 2. 2 kids you already have the sibling bond and a 3rd is adding to that but the difference is less.

It sounds like he doesn't want anymore. Do you want another baby or your DH? For me I needed 2 kids (fertility permitting) and it would be a deal breaker.

Also he can change his mind anytime over the next 40 years whereas you have less time. How old are you?

Twizbe · 01/08/2021 20:24

Your son is still very young. I don't think it's a lost cause yet.

I know a few people who at 2 years weren't ready to do it again. Once the eldest was closer to school age though they had number 2.

There's no rush. Park the discussion for a while and see what happens.

Rainy365 · 01/08/2021 20:27

I disagree with PP, I don’t think he’s stringing you along at all. It sounds like he’s being very honest. He’s found the reality of having one child very difficult - many people do, I can certainly relate - and at the moment doesn’t want anymore. It’s entirely possible to know you don’t want any right in this moment but also think that it could be possible you might change your mind in the future - as this is what I am going through right now. But that doesn’t mean you have to wait to find out what he decides either.

I don’t know how you resolve this because I think the person who doesn’t want another child will always ‘win’ because you can’t force someone to have a child they do not want.

So you then just need to decide what you want to do for yourself with that information. Either this is a dealbreaker for your relationship or you come to terms with your circumstances as they are.

Unfortunately many people have to accept and grieve for the family they always dreamed of but won’t be able to have, for many different reasons and circumstances.

thoranddoctorjones · 01/08/2021 20:32

Good luck OP, following topic as thinking about this as well.

Original poster
BiscuitLover09876 · 01/08/2021 20:34

Thank you, great responses

I always thought he might want to stick at 2 and it might be a push to have a third, but sticking at one does feel like a dealbreaker to me.

I think there is still time and I think he's going through a bit of a hard patch. He would like ds to have a sibling (he has one but also amidst although it was good as a child, they're not especially close now). He also says he's not sure wanting another child to give ds a sibling is enough of a reason.

I think it's made me feel a bit down as well because heaps of our nct group and now announcing pregnancies with their second child. I also feel like if we do want a second, waiting years and years won't just make it easier but drag it on!

OP posts:
Original poster
BiscuitLover09876 · 01/08/2021 20:35

*admit

OP posts:
Apeirogon · 01/08/2021 20:35

Initially we both wanted 2. When we had 2 I wanted another and managed to convince DH. Then when we had 3 I still wanted another - but DH won that time!

I'd have been really upset to stop at 2 so I feel for you OP, but you're doing the right thing. It's not fair to have another one unless DH is on board. Hopefully he'll feel differently in a few months.

BeardyButton · 01/08/2021 20:36

This is me too. Except a few years ahead. Trying to come to terms. It’s very very hard.

steppemum · 01/08/2021 20:36

while the baby years can be hard, one thing I would say is that nearly always as they get older 2 is easier than 1. I would also talk to him about what he wants for ds, does he want him to be an only, or to experience having a brother or sister?

I can understand where you dh is coming from. I could never understand how people could only have one child, and then we had dc1 and I realised that he had fulfilled all the need I had for a child.
I did want more and went on to have more, but emotionally, something had been satisfied with one.

Apeirogon · 01/08/2021 20:37

Sorry, I meant I'd have been really upset to stop at 1, not 2.

Whitewolf2 · 01/08/2021 20:38

You can’t make him have another if he doesn’t want one. Maybe having children in reality isn’t what he expected - let’s face it, it can be really hard work, particularly the early years! In time he might come round, many people have larger gaps as it suits them better.

Original poster
BiscuitLover09876 · 01/08/2021 20:38

@BeardyButton

This is me too. Except a few years ahead. Trying to come to terms. It’s very very hard.
Oh I feel for you
OP posts:
FTEngineerM · 01/08/2021 20:39

To be honest, this is exactly why we wanted another in quick succession. If we’d had time to process pregnancy, labour, birth and having a newborn we’d probably not have another. It’s such a huge shock to the system.

Dancedancedancedancedance · 01/08/2021 20:45

I initially wanted two then had #1 and thought - nah, this is way too hard! So I was happy with one... I changed my mind holding a newborn when DC was about 2...

DH said he knew I’d come around to 2 if he just waited... We got to a point where work/childcare/finances/FREE TIME (!) seemed to be more balanced.

Your DH sounds like he’s not as into it as you are - and maybe hasn’t been for some time.

Is this a deal-breaker for you, that’s the question?

Some of my friends have done one child and a puppy, one child and a second home, one child and better hobbies for everyone...

How flex are you prepared to be really??

Original poster
BiscuitLover09876 · 01/08/2021 20:47

@FTEngineerM

To be honest, this is exactly why we wanted another in quick succession. If we’d had time to process pregnancy, labour, birth and having a newborn we’d probably not have another. It’s such a huge shock to the system.
My thoughts exactly!
OP posts:
hpsauce84 · 01/08/2021 21:36

I was your husband in this situation. I found becoming a parent incredibly hard for many reasons and initially said I was done with just the one. However, once my first born turned 3 I started to slowly change my mind and we now have two children with a 4.5 year age gap. They're now 9 and 4.5 and I am so so relieved that he didn't push me into trying any sooner than we did. I would not have coped at all with a smaller age gap than we have! He may change his mind, your son is still very young.

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