Different ideas on how many kids - what happened?

[BiscuitLover09876]

Im interested in other people's experiences and how it ended up. (Please be kind- Dh and I have both tried to be really respectful of each other over this so please don't make assumptions).

DH and I have been together 10 years, married 5. We both always wanted 2 or 3 kids, me very strongly 'think about it constantly since I was a teenager' sort of thing (which he's always known!) With him it was more of 'a family sounds nice' and he liked what he had growing up, but also didn't give it too much thought.

For some reason he seems to have found having our DS (nearly 2) really difficult. It's everything- lack of sleep, lack of personal time and I wonder if he's going through a bit of an identity thing too. He has some anxiety which hes working on, covid helping nothing. He admitted to me that he doesn't feel an urge to have any more. At first it was because he was exhausted and things were really hard so I understood why he didn't want a second right away (even though none of that put me off and never stopped being broody ). But now sleep is better and he's at nursery more, but he still wants to keep delaying ttc. He's now saying that even though things are better, he just doesn't feel the need to have another one. He's not sure he ever will.

He knows how much I want more kids and he actually got really emotional about the whole thing today as feels bad about it but can't help how he feels. We've agreed to park the conversation for another few months and see how we both feel then.

I'm just wondering who else went through this and what you decided? I'm assuming we'll look at counselling if we can't work it out. Honestly feels gutting though. I can't imagine not even trying for another kid. Really curious to anyone else who's gone through this and how it ended up.

It is still early days. My DS was very challenging and it is only now that he is 5.5 that DH and I have agreed to try for another (have to hope for a successful vasectomy reversal first). Waiting doesn't always mean deciding not to go ahead. There are pros to bigger age gaps too.

Do you have the luxury of time? I think your DH is actually being quite reasonable - exhaustion, lack of personal time, loss of identity and potential underlying anxiety are all very legitimate reasons to not want more children currently. 2 is still really little though. He might feel differently in a year or so when he’s experienced more sleep and feels that his life is less all consumed by a baby/toddler. There are pros and cons to small, medium and big age gaps - everyone has a different story and set of circumstances.

That’s not to say it’s not really heartbreaking for you if he doesn’t change his mind - as a PP has said you’d need to decide if your marriage could ever get beyond this.

How old are you?

I think he will come around but not until your lives are more back on track.

I always said, if I'd had my second child first, they would have been an only child 😂😂

I'd say maybe accept it's a no for another year or so - 2 is very young.

Equally, only 1 child would have been a deal breaker for me if there was no negotiation.

*There s a big difference between stopping at 1 and stopping at 2. 2 kids you already have the sibling bond and a 3rd is adding to that but the difference is less.

You hit the nail on the head with this one!

DS is now an only child and if I could turn my the clock and have insisted a bit more I would because I think it's not fair on DS!

Just give it a bit of time. There's no rule to say you have to have them close in age. Far better to have an age gap and a willing dad than two close together with all the exhaustion and stress that entails (the majority of marriages break up after the birth of the second child).

His opinion might well change when all of life is on a more even keel. Less Covid stress, your DS past the teething/toddler stage etc.

I'm never sure about the sibling argument. DH and his DSis have nothing in common, always fought, barely speak in adult hood whereas my sibs and me are pretty close. Complete chance.

Breaking up a family just to have another child could be considered pretty selfish by putting your wants above everyone else's but at the same time that's also what he is doing? I personally would never deliberately have had the stance "one and done" as I also think that's forcing your life choices on your child by denying them a sibling (if you can have another that is)

Unfortunately he holds all the power in this one unless starting again with someone else is really what you want - all you can do is show him that actually having another wouldnt be hard work and could only make your lives richer?

And as unpopular as it may be that also includes the financial aspect - not having a long maternity leave or being a STAHM etc

How old are you OP... do you feel you have time to wait for your DH to come around?

Also you mention he suffers with anxiety - has he sought medical/professional help for this? I think I'd want to see him getting himself back on track first before anything else - because then everything can feel very different. I had terrible anxiety after my first and thought I could never go through it again - but I got the help I needed and feel like I want a second now x

What are your ages? Have you got time on your side?

We'd initially said 1 or 2, then it took five years to have DD and it was SO hard with many problems, I didn't want to have another. We also couldn't have afforded the childcare for less than a 3-4 year age gap. DH was still keen to have another so we kept all the baby stuff and I had a conversation with our GP about how long I realistically had and the health implications (as DD was a high risk pregnancy). The answer was 42(!) and another pregnancy would be high risk but GP explained what monitoring etc would be done and was reassuring re that. I got into my 40s and we got to the 4 year age gap point and still no inclination to have another. Then Covid happened, DH ended up on shielding list and we're extremely glad we didn't go for a second child!

So, get informed (how much time have you got?) and maybe suggest to your DH that you revisit the Q when your kid is x age. It does get easier - newborns are horrific, two year olds are awful, but 4-5 seems so much easier! Is there anything you could have done differently in the early days that would have made it easier (I wish we'd signed up for a meal delivery service and also paid for childcare earlier to give us a break as we had zero family support which is partly why it was so hard).

Thank you all. We are early 30s so hopefully still time! I agree he just needs more time and we are trying to use this time to sort ourselves out (and he has a gp appointment for himself).

Give it time. I always wanted 3. After 2 husband said over his dead body. He loves our two, great family unit but felt another was two much. He was aware it was hurting me and sorry but said no way.

One day out of blue last September, 3 years after the 3rd baby dead body comments started he one day said, 'we better get on with this 3rd then, we are getting on a bit.' We we're on a date day and I couldn't Believe it.

3 weeks ago ds was born. Bigger age gaps than I'd have liked but we all feel like missing jigsaw piece here. Dd is 10 next month and a big help. Ds is 7, less of a help lol. Dh is besotted with dc no. 3. And I've dh in separate room so sleep isn't an issue as he's working ft from home and doing all cooking and older children stuff currently.

Minds change gradually. But usually once a conversation has paused. That's when time arrived for contemplation and reflection for my dh.

Don't worry about age gaps. They mean nothing really.

Good luck op.

Sorry for all the typos. Sleep deprivation

I was the one saying no. We went with my decision because you sort of have to, don’t you? You can’t have a child one parent doesn’t really want.

It wouldn’t occur to me to split up my kid’s family over this, it’s astonishing to me to see people using the word ‘deal breaker’. Really - you’d be ok with ending your happy marriage, seeing your kid 50/50, not having every Christmas with them, having them go through the stress of parental divorce?

I hope my husband didn’t think tearing our kid’s family apart was an option. He certainly didn’t present it like that.

I agree with the pp saying it's different to stop at 2, I wanted 3/4. Had secondary infertility and couldn't have any more.

My DS is almost 9 now and there's not a chance in hell I'd start over and have bother now but I'd always planned to have them one after another close in age. I personally felt it was easier to stay in the trenches than come out the other side and return.

The sadness of no siblings never really goes away, we are in a lockdown now, our sixth week and my son is so lonely, it's bringing it all back.

Reading your post it doesn’t sound like he’s saying ‘absolutely no and never’ but more that he doesn’t feel up to it right now. Which is understandable. Two is still really, really young.

I agree with others who say that the parent who doesn’t want another child ‘wins’ the debate - you can’t make someone have a child they don’t want. But I think he might come round with time. Give it a few months. At your age you have time. Children often get a lot easier between 2 and 3. And hopefully the Covid situation will settle down and his anxiety will improve.

I got very hung up on age gaps and I wish I hadn’t - there are pros and cons to every age gap so it just doesn’t matter.

I dont have advice per se but I disagree strongly with the few PPs who seem to be implying it's inevitable to feel as your DH does if the age GPS between kids is bigger same as some other PPs here, I wouldn't have been ready or able to cope with a much smaller gap than we are having - which will be 3 and a quarter years once this one is born in the autumn. For many of us it's only once we out of the worst of it that we can begin to consider another, not whilst we are right in the eye of the storm! Time may change his mind and given your age and DS's age I would be agreeing to leave the discussion for a good length of time say a good year or so before discussing again tbh. A few months isn't long and repeatedly discussing it might feel like pressure to your DH and actually lessen the chance that he will change his mind in the end.

DH was a very firm 2, I would have happily gone up to 3. We've ended up at 2 and it does seem much simpler than those with more!

We both always wanted two, then after my DD was born my DH was adamant he wanted to stop there. I wanted to put the conversation on hold for a few months or even years (our age means no need to rush, I was never bothered about a certain age gap). DH said he didn't want to postpone the discussion as he didn't want me to have false hope for however long and he knew he absolutely definitely wasn't going to change his mind. I know him well enough to know that's true.

I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world who isn't very much wanted by both parents and I wouldn't want to deprive my daughter of a two parent family to provide her with a half sibling, so I am just getting on with it!

I can't change it so I'm accepting it and as soon as I decided to 100% accept it rather than bemoaning what could have been, I started to feel better about it. Would recommend reading some of the positive posts on the one-child families Mumsnet subforum.

I think he may still have time to change his mind. You are only really just out the baby years, toddlers are hard work but are much easier at 3 and absolutely adorable from 4. 4 is the magic age to persuade him to have another. Baby and toddler horrors are long gone and they are generally, cute, articulate, much more trustworthy, clean!😆 and you get a little twinge when you think of them starting school.
Also I don’t think age gaps are really problematic , I’ve done a 2 dc with a 2 year gap( hard) and the other 3 dc were 5 years min age gap and it was much more civilised!

We always wanted 2, but DS was a really difficult, harrowing birth. More so for DH as he was more aware of the fact that he nearly lost both of us. After that we both decided we didn't want anymore, but when DS was around 3/4 I started getting broody again. DH still insisted that he didn't want to risk loosing me if we had another. So I accepted that, DH and DS are more important to me than having another child.

DS is now 9 and after a few conversations DH has said that he's ready to try again. We started TTC in April and I got pregnant right away 😅. Misscarried at 7 weeks and we're now trying again.

Be patient, your DH might come round given some time.